Name: Bill Burr - Follow Up To 'Girlfriend's Ultimatum'
Uploaded: 2017-04-11T16:06:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Follow Up To 'Girlfriend's Ultimatum'' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Follow Up To 'Girlfriend's Ultimatum'' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-11. Transcript available.

All right, follow up to the girl who gave me the weed ultimatum.
All right, for those of you who missed the podcast a couple times ago,
there was this woman, this guy was dating, you know, he's always smoking weed
around her.
She had problems with alcohol and shit.
And then one day, I don't know, she cleaned up and she just lashed out at him
and said,
he needs to just totally quit smoking weed or, you know, it's either her or the
weed.
All right, so here we go.
It says, yo, brother Bill, on 4-3, you responded to my email about the ultimatum
my girlfriend gave me.
Her versus weed.
My fucking computer's going to die.
Hang on, I got to hit pause.
I can't keep fucking yammering.
Expect you guys to listen to this shit.
Hold on.
All right, I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm powered here.
I'm powered up here.
All right, on 4-3, you responded to my email about the ultimatum my girlfriend
gave me.
Her versus weed.
Either choose her or the weed man.
She has since admitted that she was being a cunt by giving me the ultimatum and
no longer cares if I smoke.
She has since been smoking more weed than me.
And two days after she gave me the ultimatum, the following happened.
Yeah, dude, I don't even need to read this.
This woman is unstable.
She needs to get help.
And if I was you, I'd get out of this relationship.
But I'll read it for the entertainment value here.
She stumbled into our apartment so drunk that she couldn't stand.
She was accompanied by another man.
Oh, bonus.
Here we go.
The guy she was with happened to be the one guy that she swore she'd never talk
to again because a couple months ago he sent her a 10-page email professing his
love for her and trying to convince her that I'm an asshole and she should be
with him.
Up until that point, they were friends that hung out on occasion, which I was
okay with.
Oh, Jesus.
But after he sent the love letter, which she read to me, she told me she would
never speak to him again.
Why did she read this to you?
You didn't need to hear all of that.
Okay.
Anyways, back to a couple of days ago.
We got in a fight and I said I was going to leave because of the bullshit weed
ultimatum.
But instead, she left.
What?
Anyways, back to a couple days ago.
So wait, when did she stumble in?
This is like a fucking Tarantino movie.
Two days after she gave me...
All right.
So I guess before this bullshit happened, you said you were going to leave due
to the fucking weed ultimatum?
Is that what you're telling me?
But instead, she left, claiming she was spending the night at her sister's.
Instead, she went straight to this dude's place, got shit-faced drunk, went to
a bar with him,
then came back to our apartment.
Both of them.
She did not expect me to be home.
When she saw that I was there, he immediately walked out.
Oh, Jesus.
She was so drunk, she was unresponsible, so the fight didn't come until the
next morning
when she claimed that the only reason he walked in was probably because he was
just making sure she got home safely.
Oh, boy.
I told her that I'm done and that I'm moving back to my home state,
seeing as she is the only reason I no longer live in my home state.
Good move.
Good move, sir.
Since this incident, she has been crying and begging for me to stay and wants
to get married, etc.
Get the fuck out of here.
She claims that she has no interest in him and she was just mad at me
and was under the impression that I had already packed my things and left
and she just needed a friend at the moment.
Those are all lies.
And this is the tip of the fucking iceberg, sir, that goes all the way down to
the fucking ocean floor.
Personally, I don't think I can forgive her or trust her, but I need to make a
decision and fast.
Get the fuck out of there, sir.
Because I'm either going to tough this out and stay here, oh, Jesus, hoping
this shit doesn't happen again,
or I'm going to get the fuck out of Dodge and move back home and start over.
Help me out, brother.
Should I stay or should I go?
Your thoughts, thanks, and go fuck my life.
No, not fuck your life.
If you stay, you're fucking your life.
Dude, get out of there.
Now that you just heard what you wrote out loud back by me reading it out loud,
which probably made no sense,
you realize how insane that is, how insane it would be?
For you to do that?
I'm almost thinking, you know, as much as she needs to get her life together,
you need to look at yourself as to why you would stay with a person like this.
Yeah, you need to get the fuck out of there, dude.
All right?
You still got your whole life ahead of you.
All right?
And as far as like marrying somebody, you basically get one draft pick.
All right?
Because when you get divorced, your franchise gets cut in half,
and then you start drafting in the later rounds.
You know, you're getting older and shit.
This is your number one draft pick.
This is what you're going to pick?
This person with all the fucking problems they're having at the college level?
I'm telling you.
Get the fuck out of it.
Dude, I mean, Jesus Christ.
If you don't believe me, go ask, tell 20 strangers that fucking story.
I swear to God, they're all going to say the same thing.
Get the fuck out of there.
Go on, Dr. Phil.
You need to get the fuck out of Dodge.
He'd say the same thing.
Actually, he probably wouldn't because she's a woman.
His audience is female.
So he'd probably go, well, maybe if you smoked a little less weed,
and she tried to fuck a little less other people,
maybe y'all could find a middle ground.
And all the women would be like, whoo!
I inserted myself into that situation.