Name: Bill Burr - San Antonio, Texas
Uploaded: 2017-04-11T16:44:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - San Antonio, Texas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - San Antonio, Texas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-11. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday april
10th 2017. what's going on how is you how's it going everybody are you doing
good i apologize
that the uh podcast is late i apologize that it's late i uh i was flying back
from san antonio i
meant to do it yesterday but i was doing a tour of san antonio and the day got
away from me you
know i was going all around san antonio i went out to jeff riders drum shop i
got some mexican food
around the corner that was delicious um i forget the name of that place but it's
going to be on the
video then i went down to the river walk and over to the stupid alamo jesus
christ just crawling with
tourists reenactors all kinds of magnets and and i just was like that you know
every time i go to
san antonio i was like i'm gonna go in there and i'm gonna read up on all these
guys who fought to
the last guy i'm gonna read up on every time i get there there's like 9 000
people in jean shorts there's
a gift shop and i just say forget it i felt bad about it like hey what do you
know what are you not
patriotic there bill you know but then i ran to somebody from san antonio go
you ever go into this
thing they go no we live here and i was like oh i get it no i get it the alamo
is your time square like
nobody in new york goes to times square okay nobody in la goes to disneyland or
universal
unless you have kids but i mean just as an adult you're not gonna you're not
just gonna go there
you know you don't stand in line in your own town okay one of the advantages of
it being
your own town is you don't have to stand in line with everybody else because
you know all the spots
you know where to go you know where not to go and when you're in san antonio
where not to go is the
alamo unless you're a goddamn tourist then you go in there and then you're
gonna go over to the river
walk which is actually for a touristy thing was very nice that man-made river i
got to tell you
something that's the first time i walked down it i really i liked it i really
enjoyed it there was a
bunch of people standing outside getting a little hustle going on trying to get
you to go in and drink a
margarita right all kinds of wacky people wearing hats people driving by on the
little gondolas you
know it was like you were in venice but it was texas right their little slice
of italy
you know and then right around the corner was the majestic theater
very ornate the word only used to describe a theater very ornate hey my buddy
redid his garage
oh it's beautiful it's so ornate nobody ever says that right they call it a man
cave
okay so the man caves for you know the twinkle toes there the broadway stars of
these
theaters and this thing had like i mean had like houses and she looks on peter
pan stuff
it was amazing and evidently while i was on stage there was a bat flying around
that went past me
and aside the fact that it was a bat like nobody even reacted they're so used
to bats down there
evidently they uh they kill all the mosquitoes or enough of them you know what
i mean so people
in san antonio evidently cool with bats i don't know but i had two great shows
the first show went
awesome and the second show was just next level and i actually text my agent i
was like the hour's ready
and he was like really and i'm like yes so let's fill up the calendar there oh
no that's not how i
talk to my agent so anyways i got boise coming up and i just got an email from
the theater via my agent
saying hey we've been watching these videos seeing uh bill likes to play the
drums what if we rented a
drum kit and put it in the theater during the day and if bill wants to play
during the day he can come
in and play for like an hour how great is that it's the coolest thing ever
i might i might put that on my rider i don't give a how much it costs because
this is the thing they
always say hey we'll do that for you and then they just you know they pay me
less money
that's how it works now god damn it this isn't in stereo i just realized it
wait a sec wait a second she let me see something there we go oh you son of a
bitch that's not it how do i get this thing in stereo you know this is just one
of these days isn't it
isn't this just one of these days now i'm just going to push buttons what's
going on there it is
now it's in stereo oh jesus christ i thought there was something wrong with the
wire my fault do you
know something you know what's great about it it'll give you something to
complain about you know unless
the great andrew themelis fixes the fucking thing i don't know anyways i'm plowing
ahead here um
so what else okay so i went down there and i saw uh i saw a lot of san antonio
this time
like i said i had great fucking shows you know what who's kidding who i i lost
i completely lost my train
of thought because now i'm mad at myself why didn't i think to just push that
button
i immediately thought it was the wire i troubleshooted i never knowingly lied
about the wire
um i actually made my way across to the gym when i was in san antonio to their
sister property
sister property you mean the other hotel
fucking weirdos anyways and i went in there i did the elliptical for about 40
minutes and then i just
did a for me for me i did a savage leg workout and now i i you know i know you
guys are all thinking
well what did you do bill all right this is what i did i had the exercise ball
i put it on the wall
between me and my back and then i would just roll down with that you know so i
could keep my back nice
and straight and my my weight on my heels pushing through my heels to engage my
my veal buttocks
um then what did i do i did hip thrusts after that you know then i did uh some
calf raises
then i did the classic you know the things you sit down where you do the front
parts of your quads and
then the other one you stick them and you fucking go the other way you do the
back part of your legs
and then i got on the the squat machine i don't like the one that you stand up
on i like the one
that you sit down on i feel like you can go deeper you don't have to worry
about your fucking back
and uh and i did that i did fucking three sets of all of that shit and uh this
morning my legs were
definitely killing me um so that's a new part of my workout okay that's what i'm
doing but i don't
have all those leg machines when i'm here you know what i mean and my shoulders
up so i'm not putting
a barbell on my back with a bunch of weight okay i will just i will choose to
do more squats without
any weight because i am an old man so anyways i ate pretty good when i was on
the road now so it kind
of bad you know i had that mexican food it was just fucking you know i used to
you know i used to
always make fun i and the tour i was making fun of like mexican food as far as
like you know the
the refried brain beans and the rice that they put on the plate and i was just
like you know what
this shit is this is mexico's version of coleslaw you know what coleslaw like
most people don't take
it seriously it's basically it's a plate filler you know you got your piece of
meat you got your
vegetable and then they just throw that shit there just so the plate doesn't
look naked you know what
i mean oh wow look at this big plate of food i got no no no that's like more
than 60 percent rice and
beans i didn't get it all right then once i understand now you mix all that
shit in together
you grab one of those little fucking round pieces of bread whatever the fuck
you call it you put it on
there you know a little bit of hot sauce it's delicious you got a little bean
and rice fucking uh
fucking thing there think i'm a jig sorry i'm white i don't know i'll learn it
i've only been out
in la for 10 years at some point i'll learn was that a tostada um i know what
an enchilada is
i know what a crispy taco is she said crispy or puffy i've never heard puffy
before um i always go
crispy you know what i mean but the crispy tacos it's it's it's only good on
the first bite because
then the whole fucking thing falls apart you know what i mean it's like an old
person's hip you
barely touch it and the whole thing just cracks and it doesn't work anymore so
you kind of got to go
soft taco right the flaccid taco all right i'm sorry but then if you mix the
beans and rice in there
all i can say it was it was goddamn delicious oh by the way what's the deal
with all the haunted houses
in uh san antonio you know it was the usual stuff as far as uh
as far as you know texas goes texas is the king of the shiny four-door pickup
truck that's never seen
a construction site or off-road
in texas that's a four-door sedan and i'll tell you they got some nice ones i
saw a guy pull up
you know a ford f-150 four-door it's got giant tires on this old guy big white
cowboy hat
big belt buckle and white cowboy boots i was just like ah this is just you know
as a tourist it's
like that's what the fuck i wanted to see now i can say i went to texas you
know what i mean i don't
want to see somebody looking at their fucking iphone i can do that out here i
want to thank everybody that
came out um two shows at the majestic theater on a sunday night i know all you
guys had to go to work
the next day i had such a great time san antonio is great oh i didn't talk
about i went to the spurs
game went to the spurs this first uh against the la clippers great game amazing
fans very very
knowledgeable of the game i got to see their five championship trophies they
got them right out there
where you can see them took a picture and all that it was great and um but i
got to tell you something
if you want to win some free go to a spurs game i've never seen so much free
given out in my life
first of all they had this coyote in a mask and a a guy in a coyote mascot
costume and like 19 times
during the game he stole the the vendor's cotton candy and they would play the
benny hill song
and the vendor would sort of mock chase him around as the thing was throwing
free cotton
candy all over the place they did that like 10 times which made me immediately
think like they ordered too
much cotton candy this month it's going bad let's just get rid of this so we
don't have to throw it
out and we'll also look like you know like we're good guys for giving it away
they had cookies coming
down from the ceiling in parachutes you know they would just float down people
jumping up for
cookies they dragged some guy out of the crowd and put us put a couch that you
could recline in and they
put it at the foul line they're like if you can sit down and you can sink this
foul shot we're going to
give you this couch the next thing you know i can you like you forget about the
game there's so much
going on i'm rooting for this couch potato to win a new couch to slowly die on
you know shoots the first
one oh the next one rims out oh and then he hits it everybody's like freaking
out he's jumping up and
down his man tits flopping all over the place and then they just drag this
leather porn couch off
yeah you want it you want it all right and then you're looking up at the scoreboard
like oh wait
a minute i'm watching the spurs they're playing the clippers that's what's
happening here this is
a critical part of the game there's a time out now i'm watching awkward dads
dancing who's the best
awkward dad dancing other than that it was great i really enjoyed it and um
that was franchise number 118
that i've seen