Name: Bill Burr - Bill Updating His Phone
Uploaded: 2017-04-17T11:48:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Updating His Phone' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Updating His Phone' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-17. Transcript available.

I had, oh my god, I had the worst day with my fucking phone, like yesterday I
tried to update it, um, you know, and then it comes back on and then you need
all your fucking passwords and no matter how much I type them in the way they're
supposed to be, it doesn't recognize it, then it shuts down my phone, then it's
going, hola, bonjour, guten tag, in like 50 different fucking languages and I
can't, I can't, I came so, if I had not, I haven't meditated
in a month, I'm not going to lie to you, but I, if I hadn't meditated so much
in the beginning part of the year, I would have broke my phone in half, I
grabbed, I turned it sideways and I fucking started, I started to do it, I
started to fucking break it and I stopped, I did throw it at the couch into the
cushions and I also did throw my laptop into the, they were all into the cushions,
not overly, you know, it's funny, when I lifted up the laptop, I felt the pain
of my rotator cuff so I could only throw it so hard, it was really
pathetic, it was a very pathetic display of anger, so, you know, I don't know,
my phone's still fucking with me, you know, I'm trying to go into the goddamn
Apple store here and they won't let me do it, I don't understand, you know,
Apple, everybody fucking loves this
company, you know, can somebody please fucking explain to me why they're so
hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support, is there a fucking
reason there's not a phone number, I can't talk to anybody, they're like,
fuck you, here's our product, that doesn't work, go fuck yourself, we're not
responsible for anything, you don't know what we look like, you don't know
where we are, don't even talk to me about those fucking Apple stores, with the
people walking around with the genius t-shirts, give me a fucking break.
Oh, that sounds, somebody just came into my house, I hear it all the time, so,
I mean, it doesn't mean shit to me, um, anyways, what if that was like an anger
meter, you know, as I was getting up higher, it would ring and it would let me
know to come back down again, you know, like an idiot light on some car that
your engine's overheating.
Anyways, fuck those Apple stores too, alright, those are dead, it's all
bullshit, you're talking to low level people in the company, nobody who's
fucking designing these goddamn things that end up being fucked up is working
at that store.
You give them that stupid fucking shirt that says genius, it should say peon,
um, and then what do they got, a deal with fucking balding hotheads like me who
come walking in going like, dude, where the fuck did all my music go?
What, did you put it on the cloud?
I don't want you to have my stuff.
Fine, I don't, you know, I should have never stopped getting CDs, all I know is
everything's fucked up, okay, so now I'm signing into shit on my laptop, my
phone's talking to me going, hey, somebody's signing in on another device and
there's no place for me to say, yeah, I know, it's me.
And then the laptop's doing the same thing, they're like, it's like David Lee
Roth and Eddie Van Halen, it's like you guys, you were great together, we had
the band.
And now you're fucking breaking up and you're talking shit about each other.
And don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers I'm supposed to punch in,
because I did that too.
I went into my settings, I fucking hit the stupid, uh, whatever, clicked on my
name, went into passwords, typed the fucking number that they just sent me into
the thing and they said they didn't recognize it and then they freeze up my
phone.
Freeze up my phone like I'm working in the Pentagon or something.
I'm some fucking general, I'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to some
fucking hair metal from the 80s, you know, while I get on a treadmill.
It's all I'm trying to do here.
You know what it is, it's fucking, it's incestuous.
You know how really rich people want to keep the money in their family, you
know, so they just sort of, they sort of breed with the same five families.
I've talked to this before, so it's why, you know, you look at the Kennedys, it's
like they're, they're good looking from the forehead down to like the mouth
area and then they smile and it's whoa, you know, starts looking like they
should be playing a fucking banjo.
You know, so it's the same thing with technology.
Technology, it used to be a radio, it was a radio, over there's my stereo, that
over there is the dishwasher, right?
Slash made, um, sorry, I was just thinking about the time I was talking about,
and then you had your Walkmans, right?
Then the Walkman also had a fucking radio, and a phone was a phone, and now
they've all, they've all just been gangbanging, right?
This big fucking Caligula fucking fisting technological, I don't know what,
they're all the same goddamn thing now.
Everything, everything is just on those fucking things, and I, I don't know.
It's ridiculous, so what I ended up doing, I, I, after I, I started to, like,
it was weird, like, I had these strength signals sent from all the way to, like,
my wrists.
I didn't let it get to my hands.
I felt the anger go, like, it's like the Hulk, right?
The fucking, my arms turned green all the way down to my wrists, and I just, I
stopped myself from breaking it in half, but I have to tell, oh, God, that
would have been such a great thing.
It's a great feeling to just snap, there has to be YouTube videos of people
snapping their fucking phones in half.
What I did was I just said, fuck that phone, fuck the laptop, and I had a drum
lesson, and I got in my truck, and I just fucking drove over, and I can admit,
you know what, it was kind of fucking nice not having a phone.
You know, I wasn't looking at text messages while driving, I wasn't doing any
of that type of shit, trying to fucking scroll to the next goddamn song.
None of that shit.
I just was, I don't know, driving a car like I used to, talking to myself.
And then I came back, calmed down, I tried it again, and about, I don't know,
maybe the 17th attempt, I got it to work again.
And I just got to, you know, as great as these are, and my ability to
communicate with you guys and everything like that, you know, I still would
have been all right without these things.
I could have made it the old-fashioned way as a comedian, where you just keep
doing the clubs and doing the clubs.
Then I'd do a guest spot on the Hollywood Squares right next to Paul Lind, you
know, maybe do a fucking Tonight Show, and I'd just keep building up.
I could have made it that way.
I didn't need all of this shit, all this shit that these fucking YOLO douches,
you know, selfies, and then the picture you take that it takes sort of a video,
but it's a picture, but it's also a video.
You know, these flying squirrel suits, I mean, I don't know.
What is it?
You just have to do shit that other people didn't do?
Is that what it is?
I don't fucking know.
You know, back in the day, you know what it was?
Back in the day, you fucking did the clubs until you built up enough of a
following on your own that you headlined clubs, and then maybe you got an hour
special then, you know?
Now, if you're a middle act, you need an hour special to headline.
Like, the whole thing is, I just feel like this old man, like, this is not how
it used to be!
What's the deal with everything?