Name: Bill Burr - Captain America A Hydra Spy
Uploaded: 2017-04-26T12:56:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Captain America A Hydra Spy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Captain America A Hydra Spy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-26. Transcript available.

All right, Captain America, everybody.
Hey, Billy Bruce Banner.
I don't imagine you're spending your free time reading comic books.
Yeah, I can't get into them.
I really like the way they're drawn, though.
And also, like, the superheroes always have, like, fucking...
They have, like, the hottest girlfriends, at least the ones that I read.
Spider-Man's girlfriend was fucking ridiculous.
Jesus Christ, the fucking titties, ass, and legs.
I mean, she was fucking amazing.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful, goddamn woman.
That's why I don't like the movies, you know what I mean?
Because nowadays, they've got to make sure they can't go too fucking pretty now.
Or else all the fatties get fucking upset.
Yeah, that's an impossible image.
I go to the fucking gym.
Do I fucking cry when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off?
Maybe I do, but I don't tweet about it.
All right, I don't imagine you spending your free time reading comic books,
Bill.
But I thought I'd share some news with you, man.
It was revealed months back.
The Captain America was actually a Hydra spy all these years.
Hydra is basically the Nazis.
What?
All right, it was assumed that they would write it in that he wasn't actually a
spy this whole time, but was pretending to be.
Well, this month they decided to make it so that Captain America is and has
always been a bad guy.
The story elements they're adding are trash, so it's not even a cool twist.
Oh, is there anything better?
Is there anything better than the fucking pissed off comic book reader with the
direction they're taking the story?
You're like that fucking Dolores Claiborne, whatever the fucking name is, Misery,
whatever the hell her name was.
This isn't how it should end.
Well, what else are they supposed to do?
He's been a good guy for 100 fucking years.
And I'm going to tell you right now, you fucking comic book, am I even going to
read the rest of this?
You guys have, you know, out of respect, I'll read the last few sentences here.
He goes, I'm not a staunch Republican.
The fuck did my screen go?
I'm not a staunch Republican or a wild Southerner.
I'm just a guy who is tired of this self-hating trend.
What's with people hating tradition so much that they can't stand a hero just
being a hero?
Oh, I see.
You went in a different direction.
This is good why I read it.
Okay.
I think you'd like some of the newer comic titles.
Pictures and words and some good stories.
Makes for an easy, stimulating read.
Just don't read Captain America.
Love you.
Love Nia.
Congrats on the little lady.
Thank you.
Sir, what you're dealing with here is money.
That's why they're doing it.
They have exhausted every fucking possible story, storyline.
You know what I mean?
Like, do you remember the Brady Bunch when they had to bring in Oliver?
Right?
Remember, like, remember Happy Days?
Like, after a while, like, Ron Howard, he just left.
It's just like, there's nothing left to do with this character.
I'm out of here.
And all of a sudden, Fonzie started wearing suits.
He was teaching a mechanic class.
He became a teacher.
This fucking hooligan riding a motorcycle.
Next thing you know, he's pulling up in a station wagon, teaching this fucking
guy with blonde hair how to fucking tune a carburetor.
He's actually helping them with their problems.
All of a sudden, it became like, welcome back, Carter.
It's because they were out of ideas.
It had run its course.
And I hate to tell you this, but Captain America has run its fucking course.
All right?
They're going to get themselves out of this.
All right?
They'll do the classic thing that, you know, it wasn't actually the real
Captain America.
It was fucking somebody else.
But the thing is, dude, who you should really blame is Al Gore.
He's the reason that this is all going down.
Because as we all know, Al Gore invented the internet.
He said it himself.
He said it himself.
And he said it again.
All right?
The man invented the internet.
And the internet, you know, gave birth to fucking Napster, which gave birth to
all of these things where people could watch movies and shit for free.
Right?
Napster obviously was music.
But the other shit.
People go on Pirate Bay.
They just watch all these movies for free.
So what happened was that killed the fucking $30 million to $70 million movies.
Like, they just went away.
So then everything became either super fucking cheap or a $100 million
superhero fucking movie where it's like, all right, we're going to just spend
all this money.
And people are going to go because they're going to want to see special effects
in, you know, at the movie screen.
That's what happened.
So they made 9,000 of these fucking movies.
And there's nowhere else to go with them.
I think they made a couple of Captain America movies, didn't they?
I don't fucking know.
But now what they're going to do is they're going to set this up that now this
guy is actually a fucking Nazi, you know, and who was doing all this great
stuff in America.
I don't understand.
He was like saving children while spying on us.
I don't know.
They're somehow going to try to explain all of that shit.
I have no idea.
But eventually he's going to fight Batman.
All right?
We all know that Batman has one professional fight under his belt.
And he's 0 for 1.
Right?
He lost to Superman.
So before he gets another shot at the title, I think he has to fight somebody
else.
Who's he going to fight?
You know, it can't be Lex Luthor and fucking the octopus guy.
I mean, those guys, they're played out.
All right?
They're all punch drunk.
Spider-Man's been fucking them up for years.
They need somebody new.
So this is the only way to go.
All right?
I would be surprised if Vince McMahon does not sue them for this storyline.
Because he did this with Hulk Hogan like 50 times.
You know?
You knew Hulk Hogan was...
You knew when he was the bad guy I loved because he would dye the side of his
beard.
He would dye that fucking black.
And then he would have the fucking blonde mustache.
Which, by the way, I thought looked really cool.
He had a great fucking Fu Manchu.
He still does.
Did you ever see a guy go bald more gracefully than that?
He just kept pushing it back like Richard Rawlings.
And every time he did it, it was a little further back.
You know?
Then he started wearing the fucking...
The scarves.
They'd always come off.
I don't know.
Tanned his head up.
He looked great.