Name: Bill Burr - Argument On A Plane | Your Camera Spying On You | Getting A Buyer
Uploaded: 2017-04-26T14:13:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Argument On A Plane | Your Camera Spying On You | Getting A Buyer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Argument On A Plane | Your Camera Spying On You | Getting A Buyer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-26. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday april 24th
2017 how's it going how are you how you doing how's your week i'm sorry the
podcast is a little
late i traveled today i flew back from boise idaho not boise everybody there's
an s in there
that's what i learned when i was up there boise idaho and uh you know it was
hilarious when we
when we landed when we landed it um you know that uh the fucking shooter you
know on the plane the
shooter i don't mean with the gun because you can't get guns on the planes
unless you make one like uh
what's his face there john malkovich in that clini's wood movie what was it
called gun is that what it's
called he made like that little plastic gun till i get some goddamn respect and
he fucking hung up the
phone um no this i'm not talking about a gun the fucking the shooter the guy
the wedge breaker
it's like the second they they ring that little bing bong and you can take off
your seat belt some
guy from 12 rows back like runs up to the front of the plane so of course he
stops right on my row so
now i can't get up and i'm looking at his dad jeans and he was wearing flip-flops
all right so i got to
give it up to the guy all right you know to show that kind of quickness with
like you know a third
of a shoe on was you know it was impressive so this fucking guy who was in the
row behind me diagonally
across starts fucking chirping in his ear it was like the fucking nhl playoffs
i'm like are these guys
gonna drop the gloves i see him talking to the guy and see the guy you know the
flip-flop guy looking
over his shoulder right it's basically a guy with really nice shoes and polka
dot socks
in first class which is where i sit i am that's i i don't give a fuck i don't
give a fuck if i'm
flying to las vegas i sit in the front of the fucking plane that's just how i
do it all right i spent 20
goddamn years in the back of the plane i swear to god i'm not going back then i
just spilled the
fucking tea all over the what are the what are the odds that i was putting my
wallet on the
fucking string to the teabag and then this shit's just going to go all over the
place it's just i
swear to god i'm having a hell of a like four days here
every goddamn thing every little cunty thing that can go wrong you know first i
break my computer screen
and then the teabag comes out i mean jesus christ that's going to take me at
least 11 seconds to clean
up or i just kind of wipe it up with my sock oh what a fucking animal i just
had to stop it from
going down the side of the table don't judge me so anyways let's get back to
the polka dotted
polka dotted socks all right fucking gentleman worked his way up to the front
of the plane
or maybe he was born into money i don't know i don't think this guy was because
he was all over
this animal with his flip-flops who was coming up from you know the animal
section of the plane
where this guy deserved to be all right i'm telling you right now you that
should be your
guy's goal in life you got to get to the front of the fucking plane and that
that's not a metaphor
that is it literally you have to get to the front of the fucking plane unless
you don't travel that
often then just you know suck it up who gives a shit but if you travel all the
time you have to get
to the front of the fucking plane and i'm telling you the only difference
between the front of the
plane and the back of the plane is they just they treat you like a human being
that's it that's it
it's not like it used to be where you know there was fucking broads up there
and you know they'd meet
you in the eastern airlines lounge afterwards and they you know you're having
like a whatever the
happened in the 70s you know what i mean it's that incredible meeting of pubes
that that decade was
um so anyways this guy is in the guys like i i've you know i got my
the free bose headsets the wireless ones that those bose gave me and then i
found
out there spying on you if you have the app i had to delete the app jesus
christ and then
i found out those guys at blue apron are like going down to farmers markets
they're going hey
you don't you don't want to be with these guys come over to us you know what i
mean what a bunch
of pussies if that's what they're doing allegedly that's what they were doing
why don't you go do
that in the goddamn ralph's do it in a supermarket right stay in your own
weight class
you colored apron cunts it's hilarious this farmer's market guy was going off
on him
he's going blue apron they eliminate the middleman he's like ah hello you are
the middleman you dumb
cunt we eliminate it we farm this we're going right to the people um anyways i
probably just
lost the sponsor there but i don't give a right if that's what they're doing if
you weren't doing it
i apologize to everybody that uh you know wears an apron the color of my balls
right now okay i
i apologize anyways um jesus bill can you get to the fight all right all right
sorry i'm a little
distracted i don't like doing this podcast on days that i traveled i'm a little
i'm a little scared of
brain there more so than usual all right before you make your joke oh god damn
my new computer screen is
gleaming i'll tell you underrated breaking your computer screen you know you
take it down you never
go to the apple store don't ever go to the apple store the apple store is like
flying coach okay you're
gonna go in there and they're gonna treat you like a fucking animal you know
they put themselves on a on
a higher plane walking around genius right on their shirt what does your shirt
say it says nothing
right like you have no thought in your head you got to go down there and go
talk to those
wiry cunts um anyways no you go to just some local place you know they charge
you a little bit more
but you go in there okay and you get treated like a human being so i go in
there and you know
and they see the busted computer screen they know what the fuck happened you
know and i'm not gonna
lie to them like oh you know uh i got a little one at home and she knocked it
off the table the you
know doing that i didn't do that they go what happened to it i said i stabbed
it with my phone
so they start laughing they go why'd you do that i said because uh i'm an
impatient person and i'm not
good at these things and uh it seemed like the right thing to do in the moment
and i immediately
regretted it so now i'm here to give you my money if you can fix this and they
were like absolutely
you know you know what's funny is i always have a piece of tape i have a piece
of tape over the
camera so i don't want people watching me jerking off the porn i don't i don't
want to watch people
me muttering walking around talking to myself in the hotel room trying to come
up with new joe i
just want people watching me so that's the first thing i noticed i was like wow
this screen is
really clean and big brother can see what's going on you know i don't mind if
they can hear what's
going on i just don't want them to see it so anyways there's this guy he's got
polka dot
socks on he's you know got a smart pair of wingtip shoes on and he's just
giving this guy
so i take off my bose headphones you know which they probably downloaded the
entire argument
those fucking spying cunts right so i take him off and he's right in mid-sentence
yeah you just walk
right up here you hit me with your bag what's wrong with you what's wrong with
you and i can't hear
what the other guy's saying but this other guy the guy in first class you'd
think he'd say some
fucking guy with little soft hands you know never worked a day in his life he's
all over this
guy to the point the guy who uh you know the flip-flop guy just turns his back
and doesn't want to
say anything and this guy just keeps going going he goes what are you doing
next you're going to push
down a kid you know hey you might want to brush your teeth too he started
giving the guy for
how bad his breath stunk i was like i fucking love this guy
fucking love the guy just fucking just the entire time it took him to get the
goddamn jetway over
this guy is just in his fucking in his fucking ear and the guy wouldn't drop
the gloves would not drop
the gloves during the playoffs unbelievable you know like he's some star player
right he's gonna he's
gonna uh he actually hurt the team if he fucking sits down
the shooter man you know i wish what happened i wished he grew i grabbed him by
his backpack
because i don't give a shit if you have if you fucking have a black belt in
every martial art
um discipline if you have on a backpack it's fucking over because all the
person has to do once somebody
just grabs your backpack and starts running the other way and there's nothing
in jujitsu there's nothing
in aikido you just you can't you know that's why if you watch the ufc and joe
rogan will tell you
this they do not allow backpacks into the octagon for that specific reason you
know what i mean the
backpack it's like the gun as far as like just just throws the black belt right
out the window
you know what i mean you know like all karate movies like nobody can have a gun
because then
it's just kind of like well yeah i can just shoot you you know that's the
coward way out
or the cinchy way out you remember that oh you can do it it's cinchy that's
when i was a little
kid that was a word that just disappeared it meant easy i guess it's a cinch
became cinchy i just figured that 48 years later i finally get it um
anyways i just wish i reached up grabbed his backpack and yanked it back passed
him to the polka dotted
sock guy and everybody just passed him right back to his fucking row would have
been tremendous
you know and i know a lot of you young listen to this podcast and i could lie
to you and say that
pre-9-11 that was the america that i that i lived in you know
well you know like you could sit in my house and not have to worry about
somebody from the geek squad
watching me fucking rub one out you know in the privacy of my own goddamn home
i have tape over every fucking thing i could find they can listen but they can't
see that's the deal
there's no video just like the podcast no video in my living room right now
they got i got i got my
tv they got the little camera up there not doing that i want to look at
some fucking pimple-faced douche and play uh war of the worlds whatever these
kids do you know
more of the worlds whatever the fuck is warcraft minecraft mind head what is it
called
as a video game transcended video gamers to the point that i actually know
isn't it witches of eastwick what is that what's that game that everybody loses
their mind when it comes
out it's not warcraft something like that
i don't come to me no it won't but whatever that's how you just guess i get out
of your own
stupidity that's such a great phrase that'll come to me why didn't i know that
back in the day when
i was in math class you know what is the sine cosine and tangent of that
fucking hypotenuse uh mr burr
oh it's uh uh uh don't tell me don't you know what it'll come to me it'll come
to me
that might teach me hey fair enough then maybe i wouldn't have to go to summer
school two out of
four years i should have gone all three i should have gone all four years you
know what i mean my
sophomore teacher let me off the hook and gave me a d minus and then senior
year i was like well
what's the point what's the fucking point what am i getting to a better
community college
yeah it didn't make any difference you know what i mean it's like when the
fucking outfield's playing in you know and then the guy after the plate he hits
it over the guy's
fucking head he doesn't go get it he just runs in that's why i treated summer
school my senior year
not fucking doing that what's the point when i can go out and get hammered
drive drunk and do what you
did in the 80s just driving around hammered hammered you go down to the liquor
store or the packy as we
called it hey go down to packy and get me a six a dude we go down to the packy
store right you just
stand there out front you know with your hands in your pockets looking as conspicuous
as possible
and then you just fucking walk up to adults and be like hey could you buy me
some beer
you you know and there was no fight there was no cameras back then the
television had just been
invented i mean and nobody knew how to work these things and people would do
that they would actually
like not even think about the liability they would go out and they you know you
try to judge like get
a buyer that's what it was you try to like try to like pick the right person
somebody look cool you
know i mean anybody in a suit you like that guy i'm not asking him you don't
ask a mom
you know didn't ask any women you know what i mean unless she hoarded up a
little bit you're like you
then you got to make the judgment call how involved in her life was her father
i don't know i don't
know now i'm not doing it i'm not doing it and you just wait for somebody a
little bit of long hair
you know some shitty little mustache you look for a dirt bag it's basically
what you did someone who
would have no concern for people underage driving away with alcohol and um and
that's the way it was
done i don't even know what i'm talking about right now

Bill Burr - Argument On A Plane | Your Camera Spying On You | Getting A Buyer

hey what's going on it's bill burr it's time for the monday morning podcast for
monday april 24th
2017 how's it going how are you how you doing how's your week i'm sorry the
podcast is a little
late i traveled today i flew back from boise idaho not boise everybody there's
an s in there
that's what i learned when i was up there boise idaho and uh you know it was
hilarious when we
when we landed when we landed it um you know that uh the fucking shooter you
know on the plane the
shooter i don't mean with the gun because you can't get guns on the planes
unless you make one like uh
what's his face there john malkovich in that clini's wood movie what was it
called gun is that what it's
called he made like that little plastic gun till i get some goddamn respect and
he fucking hung up the
phone um no this i'm not talking about a gun the fucking the shooter the guy
the wedge breaker
it's like the second they they ring that little bing bong and you can take off
your seat belt some
guy from 12 rows back like runs up to the front of the plane so of course he
stops right on my row so
now i can't get up and i'm looking at his dad jeans and he was wearing flip-flops
all right so i got to
give it up to the guy all right you know to show that kind of quickness with
like you know a third
of a shoe on was you know it was impressive so this fucking guy who was in the
row behind me diagonally
across starts fucking chirping in his ear it was like the fucking nhl playoffs
i'm like are these guys
gonna drop the gloves i see him talking to the guy and see the guy you know the
flip-flop guy looking
over his shoulder right it's basically a guy with really nice shoes and polka
dot socks
in first class which is where i sit i am that's i i don't give a fuck i don't
give a fuck if i'm
flying to las vegas i sit in the front of the fucking plane that's just how i
do it all right i spent 20
goddamn years in the back of the plane i swear to god i'm not going back then i
just spilled the
fucking tea all over the what are the what are the odds that i was putting my
wallet on the
fucking string to the teabag and then this shit's just going to go all over the
place it's just i
swear to god i'm having a hell of a like four days here
every goddamn thing every little cunty thing that can go wrong you know first i
break my computer screen
and then the teabag comes out i mean jesus christ that's going to take me at
least 11 seconds to clean
up or i just kind of wipe it up with my sock oh what a fucking animal i just
had to stop it from
going down the side of the table don't judge me so anyways let's get back to
the polka dotted
polka dotted socks all right fucking gentleman worked his way up to the front
of the plane
or maybe he was born into money i don't know i don't think this guy was because
he was all over
this animal with his flip-flops who was coming up from you know the animal
section of the plane
where this guy deserved to be all right i'm telling you right now you that
should be your
guy's goal in life you got to get to the front of the fucking plane and that
that's not a metaphor
that is it literally you have to get to the front of the fucking plane unless
you don't travel that
often then just you know suck it up who gives a shit but if you travel all the
time you have to get
to the front of the fucking plane and i'm telling you the only difference
between the front of the
plane and the back of the plane is they just they treat you like a human being
that's it that's it
it's not like it used to be where you know there was fucking broads up there
and you know they'd meet
you in the eastern airlines lounge afterwards and they you know you're having
like a whatever the
happened in the 70s you know what i mean it's that incredible meeting of pubes
that that decade was
um so anyways this guy is in the guys like i i've you know i got my
the free bose headsets the wireless ones that those bose gave me and then i
found
out there spying on you if you have the app i had to delete the app jesus
christ and then
i found out those guys at blue apron are like going down to farmers markets
they're going hey
you don't you don't want to be with these guys come over to us you know what i
mean what a bunch
of pussies if that's what they're doing allegedly that's what they were doing
why don't you go do
that in the goddamn ralph's do it in a supermarket right stay in your own
weight class
you colored apron cunts it's hilarious this farmer's market guy was going off
on him
he's going blue apron they eliminate the middleman he's like ah hello you are
the middleman you dumb
cunt we eliminate it we farm this we're going right to the people um anyways i
probably just
lost the sponsor there but i don't give a right if that's what they're doing if
you weren't doing it
i apologize to everybody that uh you know wears an apron the color of my balls
right now okay i
i apologize anyways um jesus bill can you get to the fight all right all right
sorry i'm a little
distracted i don't like doing this podcast on days that i traveled i'm a little
i'm a little scared of
brain there more so than usual all right before you make your joke oh god damn
my new computer screen is
gleaming i'll tell you underrated breaking your computer screen you know you
take it down you never
go to the apple store don't ever go to the apple store the apple store is like
flying coach okay you're
gonna go in there and they're gonna treat you like a fucking animal you know
they put themselves on a on
a higher plane walking around genius right on their shirt what does your shirt
say it says nothing
right like you have no thought in your head you got to go down there and go
talk to those
wiry cunts um anyways no you go to just some local place you know they charge
you a little bit more
but you go in there okay and you get treated like a human being so i go in
there and you know
and they see the busted computer screen they know what the fuck happened you
know and i'm not gonna
lie to them like oh you know uh i got a little one at home and she knocked it
off the table the you
know doing that i didn't do that they go what happened to it i said i stabbed
it with my phone
so they start laughing they go why'd you do that i said because uh i'm an
impatient person and i'm not
good at these things and uh it seemed like the right thing to do in the moment
and i immediately
regretted it so now i'm here to give you my money if you can fix this and they
were like absolutely
you know you know what's funny is i always have a piece of tape i have a piece
of tape over the
camera so i don't want people watching me jerking off the porn i don't i don't
want to watch people
me muttering walking around talking to myself in the hotel room trying to come
up with new joe i
just want people watching me so that's the first thing i noticed i was like wow
this screen is
really clean and big brother can see what's going on you know i don't mind if
they can hear what's
going on i just don't want them to see it so anyways there's this guy he's got
polka dot
socks on he's you know got a smart pair of wingtip shoes on and he's just
giving this guy
so i take off my bose headphones you know which they probably downloaded the
entire argument
those fucking spying cunts right so i take him off and he's right in mid-sentence
yeah you just walk
right up here you hit me with your bag what's wrong with you what's wrong with
you and i can't hear
what the other guy's saying but this other guy the guy in first class you'd
think he'd say some
fucking guy with little soft hands you know never worked a day in his life he's
all over this
guy to the point the guy who uh you know the flip-flop guy just turns his back
and doesn't want to
say anything and this guy just keeps going going he goes what are you doing
next you're going to push
down a kid you know hey you might want to brush your teeth too he started
giving the guy for
how bad his breath stunk i was like i fucking love this guy
fucking love the guy just fucking just the entire time it took him to get the
goddamn jetway over
this guy is just in his fucking in his fucking ear and the guy wouldn't drop
the gloves would not drop
the gloves during the playoffs unbelievable you know like he's some star player
right he's gonna he's
gonna uh he actually hurt the team if he fucking sits down
the shooter man you know i wish what happened i wished he grew i grabbed him by
his backpack
because i don't give a shit if you have if you fucking have a black belt in
every martial art
um discipline if you have on a backpack it's fucking over because all the
person has to do once somebody
just grabs your backpack and starts running the other way and there's nothing
in jujitsu there's nothing
in aikido you just you can't you know that's why if you watch the ufc and joe
rogan will tell you
this they do not allow backpacks into the octagon for that specific reason you
know what i mean the
backpack it's like the gun as far as like just just throws the black belt right
out the window
you know what i mean you know like all karate movies like nobody can have a gun
because then
it's just kind of like well yeah i can just shoot you you know that's the
coward way out
or the cinchy way out you remember that oh you can do it it's cinchy that's
when i was a little
kid that was a word that just disappeared it meant easy i guess it's a cinch
became cinchy i just figured that 48 years later i finally get it um
anyways i just wish i reached up grabbed his backpack and yanked it back passed
him to the polka dotted
sock guy and everybody just passed him right back to his fucking row would have
been tremendous
you know and i know a lot of you young listen to this podcast and i could lie
to you and say that
pre-9-11 that was the america that i that i lived in you know
well you know like you could sit in my house and not have to worry about
somebody from the geek squad
watching me fucking rub one out you know in the privacy of my own goddamn home
i have tape over every fucking thing i could find they can listen but they can't
see that's the deal
there's no video just like the podcast no video in my living room right now
they got i got i got my
tv they got the little camera up there not doing that i want to look at
some fucking pimple-faced douche and play uh war of the worlds whatever these
kids do you know
more of the worlds whatever the fuck is warcraft minecraft mind head what is it
called
as a video game transcended video gamers to the point that i actually know
isn't it witches of eastwick what is that what's that game that everybody loses
their mind when it comes
out it's not warcraft something like that
i don't come to me no it won't but whatever that's how you just guess i get out
of your own
stupidity that's such a great phrase that'll come to me why didn't i know that
back in the day when
i was in math class you know what is the sine cosine and tangent of that
fucking hypotenuse uh mr burr
oh it's uh uh uh don't tell me don't you know what it'll come to me it'll come
to me
that might teach me hey fair enough then maybe i wouldn't have to go to summer
school two out of
four years i should have gone all three i should have gone all four years you
know what i mean my
sophomore teacher let me off the hook and gave me a d minus and then senior
year i was like well
what's the point what's the fucking point what am i getting to a better
community college
yeah it didn't make any difference you know what i mean it's like when the
fucking outfield's playing in you know and then the guy after the plate he hits
it over the guy's
fucking head he doesn't go get it he just runs in that's why i treated summer
school my senior year
not fucking doing that what's the point when i can go out and get hammered
drive drunk and do what you
did in the 80s just driving around hammered hammered you go down to the liquor
store or the packy as we
called it hey go down to packy and get me a six a dude we go down to the 