Name: Bill Burr - The MMP 10 Year Anniversary
Uploaded: 2017-05-02T16:27:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The MMP 10 Year Anniversary' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The MMP 10 Year Anniversary' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 1st 2017 what's going on how are you you like that echo i am in my garage
this is what it's come down to it's like fucking a quarter to seven or ten and
seven in the morning
i gotta go to the airport my lovely daughter is sleeping my wife is sleeping
there's no place in
the house for me to scream and yell so i'm out here in the garage and oh by the
way in less well about
an hour around eight o'clock there's people coming to my house because um well
you know the gas line
is i don't know 96 years old so that thing needs to be replaced because it's
leaking all over the
goddamn place um that's always fun to have a baby in your hands you set it down
towards the floor and
you have to say things to your wife like um do you smell gas so um getting that
taken care of today
and uh this is it this is where my life is at so i'm sitting here on my workout
bench that uh i can't
use because i fucked up my shoulder it's gradually getting better this is the
longest most nagging
fucking injury ever to try to heal but i'm almost there and um this is how i'm
going to do it people
this is how i'm going to celebrate this is the 10-year anniversary of the monday
morning podcast
can you believe that for 10 years i have been yapping to myself you know 10
years i have not been
reading 10 years i've been making up for 10 years i've been saying that i i
thought was true because
i heard somebody say it in an airport i've been doing that for 10 years um i
want to thank everybody's
been listening um and i'm gonna put a a link to a post whatever the fuck you
guys say it's a thing
that you click on and then it goes to the video that you want to watch which
would be
the um the first monday morning podcast ever which i believe was about 90
seconds long i'll give you a
little history i was over robert kelly's apartment back we still live right
around the corner of each
other when i was still living in new york city and i was over his house and he
was just you know it's
typical bob he was just like dude yeah you should do a podcast dude this is in
two may of 2007
one of the few things i've ever been at the beginning of podcasting and getting
a special on netflix
those are the two things i was at the front i remember you know for my intro in
comedy clubs i
would say uh they like what do you want to say oh say he's been on this he's
been on that and you
can see he might have seen his specials on netflix and the host would say it
and people would snicker
they'd laugh in the crowd they'd laugh at that credit well now look at it huh
look at the the
the world dominating behemoth you know there's oil companies now that look at
netflix like god
damn how the did you do that without firing a shot how the did you do that
right so netflix
netflix and podcasting you know if i was if i was an oil company i would uh
i said i would do i'd start coming up with some original content you know what
i mean
and just make the show so amazing you know that the stars would then go over to
those countries and
while everybody was fawning over the cast of the reboot of friends i would then
run around the
corner and i would start stealing their oil that's that's how i would do it you
know it's a lot less
messy you know there's the excitement am i gonna get caught right um anyways
back in the day so i'm over
robert kelly's apartment he's like dude hey you should do a podcast dude and i
was like what is a uh what
is a podcast yeah dude it's it's like uh it's a recording dude it's another way
to connect with your
fans dude who knows dude enough people listen to it next thing you know you're
doing the stress factory
tuesday to sunday dude and i'm literally just around on it and i actually i
called it if you listen to my
first podcast you listen to the link i actually said it i said uh this is my
podcast i was basically
repeating everything that bobby was kind of yelling to me in the background and
um and i called it i said
uh and who knows maybe this might lead to something mediocre and you know what
it took might have taken me
10 years but god damn it i got there here i am sitting here in my garage this
is not some sort
of cool reverb that you're listening to this is me in my garage um anyway so it's
been 10 years and um
i'm actually you know i had people on twitter send in some of their favorite
moments which i'll be reading
later if i could somehow get this computer to work while i'm out here um
yeah so anyways let's get on with the podcast i i didn't know if i even said it
thank you guys for
listening uh throughout the years thank you to everybody who's advertised on
the podcast whether you
like the read or you didn't whether you got upset and said uh i'm never going
to advertise again whatever it was it was fun
i had a lot of fun so here's to the next 10 years i'm still not going to read
right i don't know
whatever you know what i like though i'm a buck 76 right now i do like that i
weigh 176 pounds so i'm
roughly the way that was that's probably a few pounds lighter but i got to get
down to it i got to get
down the end of the month next month's my birthday i want to be like 170 171
right and you know what
i get down to that weight i get down to that weight guess what then i'll be
happy oh then it'll fill
the void you know when i go on i put my little fucking tiger woods golf shirt
on even though i don't
fucking golf here's some of the people's favorite monday morning podcasts
moments mmp moments that's
what andrew wrote oh we should have like the little big-eyed smiling kids here
um douchebag of the week brad
remember that um don't care enough to find the link but when nia gave white
people credit
for creating the jug instrument it was incredible uh that was funny oh oh then
the classic remember
granny fucking water that poor bastard's probably still getting weird looks for
those of you don't
know what granny water was this guy was playing some fucking game it kind of
seemed like it was old made
but uh you didn't want to like if you played the granny water card you fucked
everybody else in the game
so it came his time to play it and he's with his girlfriend and they're playing
with the parents
and out of nowhere for whatever reason he decides to give him the monday
morning podcast and throw in
the f-word and when he played the car he just went granny fucking water and
there was just dead silence
and then he tried he tried to have to sit there and explain it to everybody uh
the it's granny
fucking water listener story from last year i think uh another one granny
fucking water the infamous rose
bowl story had me in stitches at work that was the time when uh we gotta put
together our greatest hits
we really got to do that that was the first rose bowl that we went to when we
stumbled in there and i i
lost my balance and there was an old woman in front of me and i had to like my
forearm was in her back
and she was kind of leaning forward and i was just sitting here going i'm sorry
i'm sorry and no one
helped me up because it was so horrified by the condition i was in the only way
for me to get up
was i had to push off of her folded her in half oh god i'd always get this
weird like feeling in my
stomach whenever i don't have i i hate that i did that but i i did i apologize
to whoever's grandmother
that was but i mean whatever she's a little more flexible you know she enjoyed
the last you know
third of her life maybe um another person bros bowl story with joe bartnick the
old lady who kept
getting angry and calling her husband to threaten you mark no she wasn't an old
lady she was
younger and that was the time she made fun of she made fun of joe bartnick's
nose janey had a big
nose and he just looked at her and said you need to lose about 30 pounds before
you talk to me
and i was just like oh god all right we're getting kicked out and then she said
she's like mark did
you hear what he said right so the guy turns around to square off with bartnick
bartnick just looks at
him and he's as big as a pittsburgh linebacker so the guy takes one look at
bartnick and then
starts fucking yelling at me and start threatening to throw me down on the
field yeah you fucking
pussy yeah you go right past bartnick and you go to old bald carrot top all
right i'm a new listener
he's uh here's his favorite moment you asking nia how she's so loud wearing
slippers and she's saying
that's why she's angry with you that's love there you go um all right another
one you answered a question
about a parrot like three years ago that had me crying laughing at my job i got
in trouble i'll try
to find it i love how vague these are this is just as vague um oh this person
like the for me i just feel
the kardashian like the kardashians could literally watch a baby starve to
death and then they would be
crying you know fanning their fucking eyeliner so it doesn't you know smear
going like for me
i just felt so sad because for me um it has to be that or the kobe 11s
oh god kelly olenek and those kobe 11s was the worst thing i ever saw uh when
you said cory
fellman was the lee harvey oswald of the robot oh i had to pull over i was
laughing so hard i don't even
that doesn't even make sense to me anymore um anyways uh let's see don't blow
it keep it simple
count your money i don't even know what that is uh when you did the ad for
draft kings one guy won a
thousand dollar one guy's giving hand jobs for rent money or something like
that oh yeah that's right
i called that thing out for being legalized gambling um what else tcu come on
frogs dude i called it
barefoot bitches there's too many to remember i'm still working my way through
the older ones this is
really making me feel good that you guys remember all this all right here's
another one one of the best
moments was when you told the story of going to the basketball game and they
kept playing that everybody
clap your hands that's right and there's all that crazy shit going on oh
everybody loves this read old zip
uh nature's box yeah i fucked that one up i called it it was nature box was the
name of it i thought it
was like possessive nature's box and i was like you're going down on mother
nature needless to say that was
one and done read and a full refund um some point we should put i want to put
together all the one and
done reads that i've had um under the clip didn't make a dime off those cunts
all right um oh the
monday morning podcast nia did you mania did you hear about paula abdul she was
like what i was like
she's a former backup dancer for the lakers and now a big pop star she thought
she died i did it better
the first time anyways uh when you told nia about not checking out funniest
thing ever oh yeah when i
don't check out at hotels um i just walk out i'm done done with you people uh
when you compared harry
truman to the guy from shawshank am i being obtuse or your last draft kings
read all right the charlie
murphy one oh yeah yeah that was uh that was a sad one but a happy happy
memories uh the yoko ono rant
strawberry pubes that's from the uh the joe rogan on it read uh anytime you
talk about cool cars anytime
you lean away from the mic and yell ladies uh we're all human some of us are
good most of us are
cunts oh the big tears big tears when nia cried in um where were we italy i
didn't know how to comfort
her i just kept going i was hugging her and she was crying she had like the
biggest tears coming out of
her eyes like just falling on my hands like raindrops i was like hugging her
from behind you know she
hit her head that's right she bent down to pick something up and it was a shelf
and she hit her head so
fucking hard my my even my eyes like just watered like holy and i didn't know
how to comfort her so
she was crying i just i just started reporting about what was going on i was
just going oh i was just
going big tears big tears
um all right as a stoner i find your anti-weed rants hilarious i get so mad
that i start hyperventilating
uh the lovely nia everybody it's n not m it's not mia it's nia like nancy uh nia's
story about
hitting her head in her big tears big tears all right we said that one okay uh
you said rick
flair wouldn't have come up that fast i don't even know what that is kobe 11s
why are you going to
indianapolis bill oh that freak from the plane um let me see friends trying to
get
the rat out of your new house story is an all-time favorite anytime there's a
zip oh yeah when we were
renting that house when i got the kitchen redone um another zillion dollars i
put in this
house i'm never going to get back uh the one time you were talking about those
two guys eating
shit while riding their skateboard and motorcycle the skateboarder crashing is
the funniest story
you've ever told that needs to be an animal oh my god we should animate that
you're so right
that time i saw that fucking guy in griffith park coming down and he wasn't
dressed like a skateboarder
and it was like 7 30 in the morning you know when i was walking my old dog cleo
oh i miss that dog i'm
gonna see her again next month i just view it like she's in college i still
always got to visit her
i'm gonna love that dog and i'm gonna be there someday when she takes her final
breaths i'm gonna
be there um anyways yeah so i was walking my dog and this guy came by like the
biggest hill in griffith
park and he was just dressed in street clothes and it started wobbling oh my
god a new reference here
like in uh moto gp the tank slap when it starts fucking oscillating you know
and all
of a sudden they can't get it to stop he started doing that shit and just like
i don't know i'll
try and find the clip because i was more vivid when i just saw it it was one of
the fucking
most insane wipeouts it easily could have taken over the agony of defeat
um in wide world of sports um anyways um what else how many six-year-olds could
you kill before
they took you down you know i was actually thinking about animating that
recently but after
all the fucking psycho horrible shit that's happened in the world since i did
that
used to be funny you know and that's the world we're living in it's not funny
anymore to me
all right doug flutie heckling story about a friend who takes things too far
maybe cry laughing
at the gym no idea which episode that was oh yeah that was a buddy of mine who
didn't know how to talk
shit i'll tell you that one quickly uh doug flutie came back playing for the
bills and we're sitting in the end zone
seats and um everybody's like heckling doug flutie going hey kill the midget
hey doug you're too small
blah blah blah blah blah blah and my buddy wanted to get in and all the shit
talking uh you know go back
to the cfl everybody's just trashing him and my buddy doesn't know where the
line is and he also
stutters stutters and out of nowhere he just goes hey hey hey hey flutie i hope
your kid dies
and everybody in the end zone who was hammered immediately sobered up just went
like oh
and everybody just sat just like dude what the
fucking brutal all right which also used to kind of be amusing to me until now
i have a kid now i'm
just kind of like yeah that really wasn't really funny either all right jason
martz
i don't know what that one is draftkins final read and lastly but not leastly
don't where to know
nowhere to find the link but the one that introduced the great at paul verzi
where you guys debated time
travel oh that was a good one that was a good one man all right that's the
podcast the 10 year
anniversary i want to thank all you guys for uh listening uh this podcast and
podcasting in general
has changed comedians lives it's such a great way to connect with you guys
promote our shows i'll be at
hilarities tuesday and wednesday um i've had such a great time doing this it's
actually helped my stand up
and uh i'm gonna continue doing as long as you guys listen all right that's it
here's to another 10
yes some uh porno sausage and uh zip

Bill Burr - The MMP 10 Year Anniversary

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
may 1st 2017 what's going on how are you you like that echo i am in my garage
this is what it's come down to it's like fucking a quarter to seven or ten and
seven in the morning
i gotta go to the airport my lovely daughter is sleeping my wife is sleeping
there's no place in
the house for me to scream and yell so i'm out here in the garage and oh by the
way in less well about
an hour around eight o'clock there's people coming to my house because um well
you know the gas line
is i don't know 96 years old so that thing needs to be replaced because it's
leaking all over the
goddamn place um that's always fun to have a baby in your hands you set it down
towards the floor and
you have to say things to your wife like um do you smell gas so um getting that
taken care of today
and uh this is it this is where my life is at so i'm sitting here on my workout
bench that uh i can't
use because i fucked up my shoulder it's gradually getting better this is the
longest most nagging
fucking injury ever to try to heal but i'm almost there and um this is how i'm
going to do it people
this is how i'm going to celebrate this is the 10-year anniversary of the monday
morning podcast
can you believe that for 10 years i have been yapping to myself you know 10
years i have not been
reading 10 years i've been making up for 10 years i've been saying that i i
thought was true because
i heard somebody say it in an airport i've been doing that for 10 years um i
want to thank everybody's
been listening um and i'm gonna put a a link to a post whatever the fuck you
guys say it's a thing
that you click on and then it goes to the video that you want to watch which
would be
the um the first monday morning podcast ever which i believe was about 90
seconds long i'll give you a
little history i was over robert kelly's apartment back we still live right
around the corner of each
other when i was still living in new york city and i was over his house and he
was just you know it's
typical bob he was just like dude yeah you should do a podcast dude this is in
two may of 2007
one of the few things i've ever been at the beginning of podcasting and getting
a special on netflix
those are the two things i was at the front i remember you know for my intro in
comedy clubs i
would say uh they like what do you want to say oh say he's been on this he's
been on that and you
can see he might have seen his specials on netflix and the host would say it
and people would snicker
they'd laugh in the crowd they'd laugh at that credit well now look at it huh
look at the the
the world dominating behemoth you know there's oil companies now that look at
netflix like god
damn how the did you do that without firing a shot how the did you do that
right so netflix
netflix and podcasting you know if i was if i was an oil company i would uh
i said i would do i'd start coming up with some original content you know what
i mean
and just make the show so amazing you know that the stars would then go over to
those countries and
while everybody was fawning over the cast of the reboot of friends i would then
run around the
corner and i would start stealing their oil that's that's how i would do it you
know it's a lot less
messy you know there's the excitement am i gonna get caught right um anyways
back in the day so i'm over
robert kelly's apartment he's like dude hey you should do a podcast dude and i
was like what is a uh what
is a podcast yeah dude it's it's like uh it's a recording dude it's another way
to connect with your
fans dude who knows dude enough people listen to it next thing you know you're
doing the stress factory
tuesday to sunday dude and i'm literally just around on it and i actually i
called it if you listen to my
first podcast you listen to the link i actually said it i said uh this is my
podcast i was basically
repeating everything that bobby was kind of yelling to me in the background and
um and i called it i said
uh and who knows maybe this might lead to something mediocre and you know what
it took might have taken me
10 years but god damn it i got there here i am sitting here in my garage this
is not some sort
of cool reverb that you're listening to this is me in my garage um anyway so it's
been 10 years and um
i'm actually you know i had people on twitter send in some of their favorite
moments which i'll be reading
later if i could somehow get this computer to work while i'm out here um
yeah so anyways let's get on with the podcast i i didn't know if i even said it
thank you guys for
listening uh throughout the years thank you to everybody who's advertised on
the podcast whether you
like the read or you didn't whether you got upset and said uh i'm never going
to advertise again whatever it was it was fun
i had a lot of fun so here's to the next 10 years i'm still not going to read
right i don't know
whatever you know what i like though i'm a buck 76 right now i do like that i
weigh 176 pounds so i'm
roughly the way that was that's probably a few pounds lighter but i got to get
down to it i got to get
down the end of the month next month's my birthday i want to be like 170 171
right and you know what
i get down to that weight i get down to that weight guess what then i'll be
happy oh then it'll fill
the void you know when i go on i put my little fucking tiger woods golf shirt
on even though i don't
fucking golf here's some of the people's favorite monday morning podcasts
moments mmp moments that's
what andrew wrote oh we should have like the little big-eyed smiling kids here
um douchebag of the week brad
remember that um don't care enough to find the link but when nia gave white
people credit
for creating the jug instrument it was incredible uh that was funny oh oh then
the classic remember
granny fucking water that poor bastard's probably still getting weird looks for
those of you don't
know what granny water was this guy was playing some fucking game it kind of
seemed like it was old made
but uh you didn't want to like if you played the granny water card you fucked
everybody else in the game
so it came his time to play it and he's with his girlfriend and they're playing
with the parents
and out of nowhere for whatever reason he decides to give him the monday
morning podcast and throw in
the f-word and when he played the car he just went granny fucking water and
there was just dead silence
and then he tried he tried to have to sit there and explain it to everybody uh
the it's granny
fucking water listener story from last year i think uh another one granny
fucking water the infamous rose
bowl story had me in stitches at work that was the time when uh we gotta put
together our greatest hits
we really got to do that that was the first rose bowl that we went to when we
stumbled in there and i i
lost my balance and there was an old woman in front of me and i had to like my
forearm was in her back
and she was kind of leaning forward and i was just sitting here going i'm sorry
i'm sorry and no one
helped me up because it was so horrified by the condition i was in the only way
for me to get up
was i had to push off of her folded her in half oh god i'd always get this
weird like feeling in my
stomach whenever i don't have i i hate that i did that but i i did i apologize
to whoever's grandmother
that was but i mean whatever she's a little more flexible you know she enjoyed
the last you know
third of her life maybe um another person bros bowl story with joe bartnick the
old lady who kept
getting angry and calling her husband to threaten you mark no she wasn't an old
lady she was
younger and that was the time she made fun of she made fun of joe bartnick's
nose janey had a big
nose and he just looked at her and said you need to lose about 30 pounds before
you talk to me
and i was just like oh god all right we're getting kicked out and then she said
she's like mark did
you hear what he said right so the guy turns around to square off with bartnick
bartnick just looks at
him and he's as big as a pittsburgh linebacker so the guy takes one look at
bartnick and then
starts fucking yelling at me and start threatening to throw me down on the
field yeah you fucking
pussy yeah you go right past bartnick and you go to old bald carrot top all
right i'm a new listener
he's uh here's his favorite moment you asking nia how she's so loud wearing
slippers and she's saying
that's why she's angry with you that's love there you go um all right another
one you answered a question
about a parrot like three years ago that had me crying laughing at my job i got
in trouble i'll try
to find it i love how vague these are this is just as vague um oh this person
like the for me i just feel
the kardashian like the kardashians could literally watch a baby starve to
death and then they would be
crying you know fanning their fucking eyeliner so it doesn't you know smear
going like for me
i just felt so sad because for me um it has to be that or the kobe 11s
oh god kelly olenek and those kobe 11s was the worst thing i ever saw uh when
you said cory
fellman was the lee harvey oswald of the robot oh i had to pull over i was
laughing so hard i don't even
that doesn't even make sense to me anymore um anyways uh let's see don't blow
it keep it simple
count your money i don't even know what that is uh when you did the ad for
draft kings one guy won a
thousand dollar one guy's giving hand jobs for rent money or something like
that oh yeah that's right
i called that thing out for being legalized gambling um what else tcu come on
frogs dude i called it
barefoot bitches there's too many to remember i'm still working my way through
the older ones this is
really making me feel good that you guys remember all this all right here's
another one one of the best
moments was when you told the story of going to the basketball game and they
kept playing that everybody
clap your hands that's right and there's all that crazy shit going on oh
everybody loves this read old zip
uh nature's box yeah i fucked that one up i called it it was nature box was the
name of it i thought it
was like possessive nature's box and i was like you're going down on mother
nature needless to say that was
one and done read and a full refund um some point we should put i want to put
together all the one and
done reads that i've had um under the clip didn't make a dime off those cunts
all right um oh the
monday morning podcast nia did you mania did you hear about paula abdul she was
like what i was like
she's a former backup dancer for the lakers and now a big pop star she thought
she died i did it better
the first time anyways uh when you told nia about not checking out funniest
thing ever oh yeah when i
don't check out at hotels um i just walk out i'm done done with you people uh
when you compared harry
truman to the guy from shawshank am i being obtuse or your last draft kings
read all right the charlie
murphy one oh yeah yeah that was uh that was a sad one but a happy happy
memories uh the yoko ono rant
strawberry pubes that's from the uh the joe rogan on it read uh anytime you
talk about cool cars anytime
you lean away from the mic and yell ladies uh we're all human some of us are
good most of us are
cunts oh the big tears big tears when nia cried in um where were we italy i
didn't know how to comfort
her i just kept going i was hugging her and she was crying she had like the
biggest tears coming out of
her eyes like just falling on my hands like raindrops i was like hugging her
from behind you know she
hit her head that's right she bent down to pick something up and it was a shelf
and she hit her head so
fucking hard my my even my eyes like just watered like holy and i didn't know
how to comfort her so
she was crying i just i just started reporting about what was going on i was
just going oh i was just
going big tears big tears
um all right as a stoner i find your anti-weed rants hilarious i get so mad
that i start hyp