Name: Bill Burr - Tiger Woods DUI
Uploaded: 2017-05-30T06:15:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tiger Woods DUI' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Tiger Woods DUI' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-30. Transcript available.

Let's talk about Tiger Woods. Jesus fucking Christ. Can you believe he got
arrested for
drinking and driving? It only happens to nine zillion people every fucking day.
I'm so sick
of people talking about Tiger Woods like the way they disrespect this guy. You
know, I love Stephen
A. Smith, but I started watching him talking and he was saying that, you know,
that, you know,
this guy's just his fall from basically his fall from grace and and how his
whole, you
know, he became a billionaire and his whole fucking thing was based on the fact
that he
presented himself as a family man. And I'm thinking like, when the fuck did
that guy, when
the fuck did he ever present himself as a family man? Didn't he get to where
the fuck he was
because he was the best golfer anybody had ever seen? Because he was making
like PGA fucking
links look like, like he was playing miniature golf. I never pay attention to
that fucking
blonde. He was, I don't even know her fucking name. And then, so he bangs a
bunch of Hooters
whores. And then I'm, then I'm supposed to sit on the couch going, you lied to
me, Tiger.
Tiger. I thought after your golf, you fucking went down to Applebee's with your
family and
fucking your family bankies. And you shared a fucking blooming onion. I have to
be honest
with you. I never once thought about what the fuck that guy did when he got off
the golf course.
And when I found out what he was doing off the golf course, I was like, yeah, I
mean, that
kind of makes sense. I'm just gonna say this, the amount of fucking men. Okay.
When Stephen
A Smith walks out of his studio, you know, he doesn't have a line of whores
just waiting
to fucking blow them just so they could say, I blew Stephen A Smith. Tiger
Woods had to deal
with that. And like most men, he folded under the pressure and the fucking
reason why he's
not doing well right now. It's not because of his fucking wife who, by the way,
took a bunch
of his money, bought a house, fucking knocked it down and then rebuilt another
one. Huh? What
about her? I thought she was an environmentalist. She lied to me. Right? What
about her? What
about old blondie right there? I used to do a bit about this. Do you think she
would even
give Tiger Woods a second fucking glance if he wasn't making all that money? If
he wasn't
the greatest at what he did? Would old blonde blue eyed even give that guy a
fucking second?
I don't think she would have. All right. Even when you're a bum like me, when
you fucking
walked into the singles bar back in the nineties, what did women always say?
What do you do?
They're not making small talk. Okay. Women all fucking judge. Okay. Their
status. And then
they get a number in their head. All right. And then they find out the jobs.
Okay. That
earn this and earn that. And then they figure it like who they can fuck. Okay.
And then it
becomes a thing of like, okay, you're underneath what I want for the lifestyle
that I'm looking
for in the future, but you're a good looking enough guy that I'll fucking bang
it tonight.
Maybe I'll have a little fling with you, but that's good. At the end of the
fucking day,
you know, when you slid that piece of paper across the table and you made your
offer, say
my dick and balls bring home this each year. They're like, yeah, keep it moving.
Keep it
moving. That's, that's 10 grand less than I want. And you got that one snaggle
tooth. Fuck
off. Move on. Who's next? Go ahead. Put your junk on the table. What's your
number?
And here's the thing. I don't fault women for that.
Who wants to live like a bum? If you're good and if you're good looking enough,
okay. And you can
land somebody that's making a ton of fucking money. You can learn to love that.
Right.
I don't know. So anyway, so now he gets busted for drinking and driving. And
this is the bottom
line. This fucking guy's fall from grace. Okay. All right. I'll give you the
first fucking
couple of years after his divorce. Like maybe that got in his fucking head. But
at the end
of the day, I mean, you got divorced 10 fucking years ago.
What happened was, was his marriage and his body broke down at the same fucking
time. The guy just
had major back surgery. His knees are fucked up. And they always said, they
said back when everybody
thought he was the family man back East that, um, the way that the level of
torque and the pressure
that he was putting on his back, they predicted his body was going to break
down and it did. And then
when it does, you know, now they're going to blame, you know, it's the classic
ladies just taking
credit. That's all it is. They always take credit behind you. Every great man
is a good woman. You
know, they, okay. All right. Is it, I don't know. I mean, what's your
definition of great?
I mean, every great man is a great woman. It's like the guy was already a
fucking champion when he met
you. So if you're talking about his mother, I'll give you that. But this whole
fucking thing,
well now, I mean, geez, I got to tell you his mugshot. Oh, that's a classic one.
I'd like to have a couple of pops with tiger.
Holy shit. He needs, this is what he needs to do. He needs to hit the fucking
treadmill.
All right. And he's got to shave his fucking head already. You got to let that
go.
You know, Oh God, he comes to Monday morning. He comes to MMP Photoshop. Can
you please Photoshop
my fucking head underneath? Tiger was his fucking hair. Oh God. You know, what's
funny is he looks
like he's fucking wasted, but you know what he's saying? He's looking into the
camera going, well,
I know a billion people are going to see this. What the fuck are they going to
say about this one?
Um, I don't, I can't even begin to tell you guys, I can't, I can't, I can't
even begin to tell you
guys how bad I want to see this guy win a major again. Uh, look at this editor's
pick the secret
history of tiger woods. Now how much do you think they actually talked to tiger
woods?
So the death of his father set a battle raging inside the world's greatest golfer
dish dish.
How the fuck do you know? Why? Cause you talked to his gardener. Is that the
closest you could get
to him? And now you're going to write 400 pages of bullshit. Listen, do me a
favor. Don't listen to
any of this stuff. Okay. He's a man. He makes mistakes. He's in the public eye.
I hope his back
gets better. You know what? I hope he goes out like fucking who's that guy used
to fucking just sit
there. The big dude, the, but the blonde hair and he's fucking sit there. I
think he played Oliver on
the Brady bunch way back in the day. And then when he grew up, he became this
drunk. He was this
alcoholic fucking, he could hit the ball a fucking mile. Ah, God damn it. It's
going to kill me.
I got to look this up here. Alcoholic golfer driver long. That's how I search.
And John Daly.
There we go. Bam. Nailed it. Um, John, you know, I hope he comes back like a
combination,
like, I don't know, a terminator and John Daly. That's what I want. I want a
fucking drunk cyborg
going out there and I hope he fucking passes Jack Nicholas and just, you know,
I don't understand
people that look at people in the public eye to the point that they, they
disappoint them.
You know, get a fucking life. Jesus Christ. Well, what was that fucking movie?
Captain Kirk
when he did, he did this sketch talking to the Trekkies on SNL, get a fucking
life.
You know, guys, I don't know. I don't know if you noticed the last couple of
weeks, I've
been a little, uh, I don't know. I've been a little down, you know, and, uh, I
know the
podcast hasn't been as good as, uh, it has been in the past. And that's just
because,
uh, uh, you know, I feel like Tiger Woods let me down, you know, all those
times I've
never met him or even remotely spoken to him. Um, you know, I just really
thought we had
something there and for him to turn around and, uh, go back on his word that he
never gave
me because I've never spoken with him. I just, I was devastated and, uh, I'm
not going to
be able to come into work today. Oh man. I hope that guy wins another fucking
major. I
can't even tell you. I can't, I can't even fucking, I just did tell you, didn't
I? I think
I just did tell you. Um, all right, let's read some of the fucking advertising
here for
this week, which of course I didn't even, did I even look this shit up yet? No,
I didn't.
Uh, I apologize for this. You know, I just, it's just Tiger Woods let me down.
You know,
I thought he was a family member and, uh, I mean, I haven't been this fucking,
I haven't
been this fucking distraught since, uh, Michael Jordan's acceptance speech at
the hall of fame.
When I found out who he really was, I mean, I was devastated. And I just
remember all those
times I had not hung out with Michael Jordan or ever talked to him. And I just
feel like
he really just, you know, I just thought he was better than that. I love that
when he
gave that speech and every, he's just like, wait a minute, this guy's like
fucking got ice
water in his veins and he's, he's got a mean streak in him. It's like, yeah,
yeah. All those
fucking people who were never picked in gym class. They were like, oh, this is
why I sucked.
It wasn't just that I was uncoordinated. I didn't have this killer fucking
instinct.
He went after his own goddamn kids. You know what? And that's what it takes.