Name: Bill Burr - Bill Goes To Guitar Center (Drum Talk)
Uploaded: 2017-06-16T17:55:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Goes To Guitar Center (Drum Talk)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill Goes To Guitar Center (Drum Talk)' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-16. Transcript available.

Alright, so listen to this shit. I went into fucking Guitar Center for like the
first time in years.
I never go in there, but my wife was around the corner, you know, taking my
lovely daughter to some doctor's appointment.
You know, whenever she goes over there, my daughter cries and stuff. I don't
like it. I don't like it.
I know she comes out better. I know the doctor's amazing. I don't like going
over there, you know.
You know, I just don't, you know, your daughter gets shots and shit or whatever.
By the way, we did the total immune thing, and my daughter's fine, by the way.
We did all of that shit, thank God, because everyone fucking was scaring the
shit out of you.
Like, don't fucking get them vaccinated for the mumps. That's going to cause
this. It's going to cause that.
And what I finally did was I realized everybody telling me that, none of them
were wearing lab coats,
and none of them had medical degrees framed in pictures behind me.
And I said, I'm going to roll the dice with the person that went to school for
this shit.
And we did, and she's fine. She's totally alert, smiles and all that type of
shit.
There was nothing bad happened, thank fucking Christ.
But I don't like to be there when that shit goes down.
So I just said, listen, I'm going to fucking, I'll be around the corner.
I'm going to go buy some drumsticks, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I walk into Guitar Center.
And I'm there right as it's 10 minutes before it opens.
It finally opens, and I go upstairs to their drum department, you know,
because they always banish drums to the back of the music.
They're always like, oh, fuck yourself, right?
Guitar is the hot chick, you know, or it sort of used to be.
Now I'm finding the electronics, all this, that whole generation of like DJ
music
and all that shit is like, that's becoming, coming up more to the front of the
store
or becoming a larger surface area of the store,
which is another thing making me feel old.
Other than all these people that, you know, where I remember, like, they were
young.
That's what I'm just trying to say.
They were like young when I was young.
They were like in their 20s and shit.
And now they've lived a full life and are dead.
And I'm like, how the fuck does that happen?
It's like, well, Bill, you're 49.
In 20 years, you can be 69.
You can be pushing 70.
That's how fast it fucking goes.
So I don't even know what the fuck my point was.
Jesus Christ, am I going to die in this week?
What's I saying?
Oh, yeah.
So I go over to the fucking Guitar Center, and I walk in.
So I go upstairs to buy some drumsticks, and I'm there so fucking early.
There's, like, nobody there.
So I walk up, and I grab my drumsticks that I always get, you know, get a 5B,
right?
And I fucking, well, I'm going to try out the electronic drum kits.
You know what I mean?
They got that sick-ass Roland one that has, like, literally, like, a regular
acoustic-looking bass drum.
I was fucking around on that thing.
That thing's amazing.
Oh, my God.
If you want to ever feel like you're ready to play a fucking arena, sit down on
one of those fucking Roland kits.
And this is not free advertising.
I'm just calling a spade a spade.
They're fucking unbelievable.
So, anyways, I'm looking around, and I sit behind this one kit.
I go to hit the bass drum, and they got this head on it that looks like a
regular head, and it barely makes any noise.
I'm like, what the fuck is this?
What is this technology?
I didn't know this existed.
And then I was looking, and they had the little Questlove breakbeat kit, and
then they had another one, like an upgraded version of that, which was the sonar
kit.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
Look at these little-ass things.
And then they got these heads that make no fucking noise, right?
What the fuck?
So, I just, I don't know, I just started looking, and I'm like, Father's Day.
Father's Day is coming up this weekend.
How about Happy Father's Day to me?
Because I got one of those, in my garage, I got this DW, like those practice
pad kits, and those things fucking suck.
You can't get through a song without something falling off.
They just suck.
I fucking hate the thing, all right?
I want to get rid of it.
So, I'm sitting there going, all right.
I ordered a drum kit, and I have a studio space ready to go, but I didn't
realize, I thought I could just go down and get the drum kit, but the color I
wanted, I had to order it, and it's not going to be here for fucking two months.
So, now what do I do?
What do I do in the meantime?
And then suddenly I get this idea, I go, I know, I'm going to buy one of these
little fucking martini kits here, all right?
I'll keep the regular heads on, and I'll just play in the studio space on the
small kit, and then when my real kit comes, I'll just get rid of the DW one in
my garage and put the silent heads on it.
I can just practice on that when I don't have time to drive over to the fucking
little studio space.
This is perfect.
So, then I was like, what do I do?
What do I get?
The Ludwig by American, Questlove, or the Sonar kit, Phil Rudd, ACDC, Steve
Smith, right?
Benny Greb, all these monsters play on these fucking things.
And I actually ended up going with the Sonar kit.
Bass drum was a little bit deeper.
The floor time wasn't a 13.
It was a 14.
And it was a badass little bebop kind of kit, and I've gone off the fucking
rails listening to jazz drummers.
I never understood it, and now with my great drum teacher and everything, I'm
starting to understand it.
To the point, if I saw you the text messaging that I had, the drum nerd text
messaging that I had with my drum teacher.
Oh, before I say that, by the way, what is so amazing about getting rid of that
John Bonham setup that I had is now the whole world of what the fuck do I want
to play has opened up.
And I don't have any drum kit already taking up space that was, you know,
somebody else loved, and I love them.
So now I'm going to try to step into their shoes, and it never fucking works.
That is completely gone.
And now I'm just looking at all these different drum setups going, I'd fucking
like a little bit of that with a little bit of this.
It's unreal.
So I buy the thing, and, you know, I'm supposed to walk back over to the doctor's
office with a pair of drumsticks and, you know, get back in the car with my
lovely wife and my beautiful daughter.
But now I bought a little drum kit, so I got this giant box.
So I just ended up going, all right, fuck this.
I got to take a picture of the box.
I just stood in the back garage.
They got a parking lot behind the place, and I was just like, yeah.
I kind of bought something.
And I just took a picture of the box with the sonar kit, and I just wrote,
happy Father's Day to me.
Nia's cool as shit.
She just wrote, oh, Jesus.
She's so fucking cool.
She doesn't give a shit, right?
So she pulled up, and then I opened up.
I'm like, great.
We got the fucking little hatchback fucking thing here, and I opened it up in
the goddamn strollers in there.
So I had to move shit around and do all this fucking stuff.
And I got to tell you, I cannot fucking wait.
I'm moving into my little studio thing tomorrow, and I cannot fucking wait.
And as I mentioned, I've gone off the rails listening to these jazz drummers,
and I am now convinced that Tony Williams is the greatest drummer of all time,
and it's not even fucking close.
I don't want to start a debate.
I know I just did.
The fucking guy's unbelievable.
And I never understood what he was doing, other than that he was playing 90
million miles an hour on his ride cymbal.
So I was listening to this album, Miles Davis, Miles Smiles, and there's a song
on there called Footprints.
And it's one of those things that when I was younger, meaning like 46 or 47,
before I started taking lessons, it would have just sounded like five guys
playing five different songs.
And then that Tony Williams was doing this Keith Moon shit underneath it, where
he was just soloing or whatever.
And I was, when I first was listening to it, the only thing I could kind of
that was consistent was the bass line.
It was this bass line going, and I was just counting that.
And I'm going, okay, it's in six.
It's in six.
And it's, and I don't know what Tony's doing.
And it's, he's playing 90 million miles an hour.
But what's amazing about the song is in the middle of it, Tony slows down.
And it's almost like he's like, okay, stupid.
It's in four.
All right.
And here's where it is.
Here's where beat two is.
And here's where beat four is.
And then after then, he only does that for a couple bars and he speeds up again.
It was like a drum class.
And it's like, oh my God, this guy's playing eighth notes.
Okay.
Against what this guy's playing.
That sounds like it's in six.
But it's really just almost like three against four.
I know this is nerdy drum shit, but there's got to be a drummer out there that
understands it.
And then he's doing that metric modulation thing, which there wasn't even a
fucking name for what he was doing to describe it.
Where then as he's playing eighth notes, that the eighth notes, then he implies
that each one of those hi-hat hits is the two and four and plays the jazz.
That ding, ding, ding, ding, ding against that.
And then the E and the tah become the fucking one and the three.
And he's playing that underneath all of their shit.
So the rest of the band, I guess, is sort of playing in an implied six while he's
playing four underneath it, doing this metric modulation to the four.
What fucking blows my mind is that he's playing at that fucking level.
And roughly the same year, I was joking with my teachers that that song by the
Archies, Sugar, came out and was like a number one hit.
He's doing that.
And, you know, they sell like one 90th of the fucking albums that a song.
Oh, sugar, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Oh, honey, honey.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
You know, I heard a story about that song that there's a keyboard solo, which I
mean, I don't know shit about music.
I was consider a hacky solos when you take the soul, when you take a solo and
all you do is just play the melody of the song.
So that was basically what the studio musician on keys was instructed to do.
So he's reading the sheet music and he was playing the solo to that song.
And evidently he started laughing when he was playing it because it sounded
like like some five year old shit.
But of course that sells a zillion albums, which brings me back to the Golden
State Warriors.
Jesus, I'm going a long way where people are going, yeah, this is bad for
basketball.
Why is it getting such high ratings?
I'll tell you why.
Because the Archies outsell Miles Davis.
There you go.
Go fuck yourself.
I'm done talking about the NBA.
So anyways, I got a little sonar kit.
I'm so fucking excited to play it.
I can't wait.
I'm not going to have any time.
I won't have any fucking time to do it.
But every once in a while, old daddy daycare, you know, my little princess.
That's what I call her, my little princess.
You know, she's got the, you know, babies have those little cute little fat
hands.
Every morning I wake up, I put my little index finger in her hand.
You know, they always squeeze it.
And then I bring her, oh, good morning, princess.
And I kiss her little fat baby hand.
You know, and you wouldn't think that within 20 minutes of that I could get in
my car and have road rage.
But I do.
You would think at some point I could be like, you know what?
You know, it doesn't get any better than that.
But, you know, you know, I end up having these fucking problems.
Can it ever just, sorry, I just did that with the recorder here.
I'm on the road.
I'm on the road here.
Had to set it down here so I can type in my fucking password here.
But, yes, I am on a Tony Williams, like, I disappeared down the rat hole.
Just, it's over.
I am completely out there.
All of these years, always loving him, but not getting, you know, I saw him
live and I had no idea what the fuck he was doing.
I just knew he was one of the greats.
And I went to go see him.
And he had, you know, he had the yellow Gretsch kit.
I mean, this was, when he died in 97, I probably saw him in like 92, 93, 91,
somewhere in Boston.
And, I mean, I was in a room.
There couldn't have been more than like 100 people there, 80, 100 people, a
little jazz place.
And I told you this before.
And during the break, I walked up and I was looking at his whole setup.
You know, he had the black dot heads, the big, like, you know, 15-inch high
hats and shit.
I saw everybody.
I told you guys this before.
I saw Louis Belson.
He just stood there next to his kit.
He went up and shook his hand.
It was nuts.
It was fucking nuts.
And if anybody else knows any, like, cool shit from that fucking era for me to
listen to.
I mean, it just fascinates me how, like, jazz was like the mainstream and then
blues and R&B.
And then, you know, white people turning into rock and roll or whatever.
That that ended up taking over.
And it's just like, yeah, well, it was gonna because the direction of jazz just
kept growing and growing and growing to the point that shit that I was just
explaining to you guys.
It took me 30 years to understand what the fuck was going on.
Just as a regular person, you're going to lose the mainstream at that point.
But you got to give it up to those guys for having the balls to just say, yeah,
well, fuck it.
This is the direction we're going in.
They have to be like the level that they were playing.
They had to know that half the fucking audience had no idea what was going on.
Or you were just playing to a whole crowd full of musicians, right?
I know.
I'm in way over my head.
Who the fuck am I?
Who am I?
I'm just a comedian who does a fucking podcast here.
I'm just a comedian.

Bill Burr - Bill Goes To Guitar Center (Drum Talk)

Alright, so listen to this shit. I went into fucking Guitar Center for like the
first time in years.
I never go in there, but my wife was around the corner, you know, taking my
lovely daughter to some doctor's appointment.
You know, whenever she goes over there, my daughter cries and stuff. I don't
like it. I don't like it.
I know she comes out better. I know the doctor's amazing. I don't like going
over there, you know.
You know, I just don't, you know, your daughter gets shots and shit or whatever.
By the way, we did the total immune thing, and my daughter's fine, by the way.
We did all of that shit, thank God, because everyone fucking was scaring the
shit out of you.
Like, don't fucking get them vaccinated for the mumps. That's going to cause
this. It's going to cause that.
And what I finally did was I realized everybody telling me that, none of them
were wearing lab coats,
and none of them had medical degrees framed in pictures behind me.
And I said, I'm going to roll the dice with the person that went to school for
this shit.
And we did, and she's fine. She's totally alert, smiles and all that type of
shit.
There was nothing bad happened, thank fucking Christ.
But I don't like to be there when that shit goes down.
So I just said, listen, I'm going to fucking, I'll be around the corner.
I'm going to go buy some drumsticks, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I walk into Guitar Center.
And I'm there right as it's 10 minutes before it opens.
It finally opens, and I go upstairs to their drum department, you know,
because they always banish drums to the back of the music.
They're always like, oh, fuck yourself, right?
Guitar is the hot chick, you know, or it sort of used to be.
Now I'm finding the electronics, all this, that whole generation of like DJ
music
and all that shit is like, that's becoming, coming up more to the front of the
store
or becoming a larger surface area of the store,
which is another thing making me feel old.
Other than all these people that, you know, where I remember, like, they were
young.
That's what I'm just trying to say.
They were like young when I was young.
They were like in their 20s and shit.
And now they've lived a full life and are dead.
And I'm like, how the fuck does that happen?
It's like, well, Bill, you're 49.
In 20 years, you can be 69.
You can be pushing 70.
That's how fast it fucking goes.
So I don't even know what the fuck my point was.
Jesus Christ, am I going to die in this week?
What's I saying?
Oh, yeah.
So I go over to the fucking Guitar Center, and I walk in.
So I go upstairs to buy some drumsticks, and I'm there so fucking early.
There's, like, nobody there.
So I walk up, and I grab my drumsticks that I always get, you know, get a 5B,
right?
And I fucking, well, I'm going to try out the electronic drum kits.
You know what I mean?
They got that sick-ass Roland one that has, like, literally, like, a regular
acoustic-looking bass drum.
I was fucking around on that thing.
That thing's amazing.
Oh, my God.
If you want to ever feel like you're ready to play a fucking arena, sit down on
one of those fucking Roland kits.
And this is not free advertising.
I'm just calling a spade a spade.
They're fucking unbelievable.
So, anyways, I'm looking around, and I sit behind this one kit.
I go to hit the bass drum, and they got this head on it that looks like a
regular head, and it barely makes any noise.
I'm like, what the fuck is this?
What is this technology?
I didn't know this existed.
And then I was looking, and they had the little Questlove breakbeat kit, and
then they had another one, like an upgraded version of that, which was the sonar
kit.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
Look at these little-ass things.
And then they got these heads that make no fucking noise, right?
What the fuck?
So, I just, I don't know, I just started looking, and I'm like, Father's Day.
Father's Day is coming up this weekend.
How about Happy Father's Day to me?
Because I got one of those, in my garage, I got this DW, like those practice
pad kits, and those things fucking suck.
You can't get through a song without something falling off.
They just suck.
I fucking hate the thing, all right?
I want to get rid of it.
So, I'm sitting there going, all right.
I ordered a drum kit, and I have a studio space ready to go, but I didn't
realize, I thought I could just go down and get the drum kit, but the color I
wanted, I had to order it, and it's not going to be here for fucking two months.
So, now what do I do?
What do I do in the meantime?
And then suddenly I get this idea, I go, I know, I'm going to buy one of these
little fucking martini kits here, all right?
I'll keep the regular heads on, and I'll just play in the studio space on the
small kit, and then when my real kit comes, I'll just get rid of the DW one in
my garage and put the silent heads on it.
I can just practice on that when I don't have time to drive over to the fucking
little studio space.
This is perfect.
So, then I was like, what do I do?
What do I get?
The Ludwig by American, Questlove, or the Sonar kit, Phil Rudd, ACDC, Steve
Smith, right?
Benny Greb, all these monsters play on these fucking things.
And I actually ended up going with the Sonar kit.
Bass drum was a little bit deeper.
The floor time wasn't a 13.
It was a 14.
And it was a badass little bebop kind of kit, and I've gone off the fucking
rails listening to jazz drummers.
I never understood it, and now with my great drum teacher and everything, I'm
starting to understand it.
To the point, if I saw you the text messaging that I had, the drum nerd text
messaging that I had with my drum teacher.
Oh, before I say that, by the way, what is so amazing about getting rid of that
John Bonham setup that I had is now the whole world of what the fuck do I want
to play has opened up.
And I don't have any drum kit already taking up space that was, you know,
somebody else loved, and I love them.
So now I'm going to try to step into their shoes, and it never fucking works.
That is completely gone.
And now I'm just looking at all these different drum setups going, I'd fucking
like a little bit of that with a little bit of this.
It's unreal.
So I buy the thing, and, you know, I'm supposed to walk back over to the doctor's
office with a pair of drumsticks and, you know, get back in the car with my
lovely wife and my beautiful daughter.
But now I bought a little drum kit, so I got this giant box.
So I just ended up going, all right, fuck this.
I got to take a picture of the box.
I just stood in the back garage.
They got a parking lot behind the place, and I was just like, yeah.
I kind of bought something.
And I just took a picture of the box with the sonar kit, and I just wrote,
happy Father's Day to me.
Nia's cool as shit.
She just wrote, oh, Jesus.
She's so fucking cool.
She doesn't give a shit, right?
So she pulled up, and then I opened up.
I'm like, great.
We got the fucking little hatchback fucking thing here, and I opened it up in
the goddamn strollers in there.
So I had to move shit around and do all this fucking stuff.
And I got to tell you, I cannot fucking wait.
I'm moving into my little studio thing tomorrow, and I cannot fucking wait.
And as I mentioned, I've gone off the rails listening to these jazz drummers,
and I am now convinced that Tony Williams is the greatest drummer of all time,
and it's not even fucking close.
I don't want to start a debate.
I know I just did.
The fucking guy's unbelievable.
And I never understood what he was doing, other than that he was playing 90
million miles an hour on his ride cymbal.
So I was listening to this album, Miles Davis, Miles Smiles, and there's a song
on there called Footprints.
And it's one of those things that when I was younger, meaning like 46 or 47,
before I started taking lessons, it would have just sounded like five guys
playing five different songs.
And then that Tony Williams was doing this Keith Moon shit underneath it, where
he was just soloing or whatever.
And I was, when I first was listening to it, the only thing I could kind of
that was consistent was the bass line.
It was this bass line going, and I was just counting that.
And I'm going, okay, it's in six.
It's in six.
And it's, and I don't know what Tony's doing.
And it's, he's playing 90 million miles an hour.
But what's amazing about the song is in the middle of it, Tony slows down.
And it's almost like he's like, okay, stupid.
It's in four.
All right.
And here's where it is.
Here's where beat two is.
And here's where beat four is.
And then after then, he only does that for a couple bars and he speeds up again.
It was like a drum class.
And it's like, oh my God, this guy's playing eighth notes.
Okay.
Against what this guy's playing.
That sounds like it's in six.
But it's really just almost like three against four.
I know this is nerdy drum shit, but there's got to be a drummer out there that
understands it.
And then he's doing that metric modulation thing, which there wasn't even a
fucking name for what he was doing to describe it.
Where then as he's playing eighth notes, that the eighth notes, then he implies
that each one of those hi-hat hits is the two and four and plays the jazz.
That ding, ding, ding, ding, ding against that.
And then the E and the tah become the fucking one and the three.
And he's playing that underneath all of their shit.
So the rest of the band, I guess, is sort of playing in an implied six while he's
playing four underneath it, doing this metric modulation to the four.
What fucking blows my mind is that he's playing at that fucking level.
And roughly the same year, I was joking with my teachers that that song by the
Archies, Sugar, came out and was like a number one hit.
He's doing that.
And, you know, they sell like one 90th of the fucking albums that a song.
Oh, sugar, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Oh, honey, honey.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
You know, I heard a story about that song that there's a keyboard solo, which I
mean, I don't know shit about music.
I was consider a hacky solos when you take the soul, when you take a solo and
all you do is just play the melody of the song.
So that was basically what the studio musician on keys was instructed to do.
So he's reading the sheet music and he was playing the solo to that song.
And evidently he started laughing when he was playing it because it sounded
like like some five year old shit.
But of course that sells a zillion albums, which brings me back to the Golden
State Warriors.
Jesus, I'm going a long way where people are going, yeah, this is bad for
basketball.
Why is it getting such high ratings?
I'll tell you why.
Because the Archies outsell Miles Davis.
There you go.
Go fuck yourself.
I'm done talking about the NBA.
So anyways, I got a little sonar kit.
I'm so fucking excited to play it.
I can't wait.
I'm not going to have any time.
I won't have any fucking time to do it.
But every once in a while, old daddy daycare, you know, my little princess.
That's what I call her, my little princess.
You know, she's got the, you know, babies have those little cute little fat
hands.
Every morning I wake up, I put my little index finger in her hand.
You know, they always squeeze it.
And then I bring her, oh, good morning, princess.
And I kiss her little fat baby hand.
You know, and you wouldn't think that within 20 minutes of that I could get in
my car and have road rage.
But I do.
You would think at some point I could be like, you know what?
You know, it doesn't get any better than that.
But, you know, you know, I end up having these fucking problems.
Can it ever just, sorry, I just did that with the recorder here.
I'm on the road.
I'm on the road here.
Had to set it down here so I can type in my fucking password here.
But, yes, I am on a Tony Williams, like, I disappeared down the rat hole.
Just, it's over.
I am completely out there.
All of these years, always loving him, but not getting, you know, I saw him
live and I had no idea what the fuck he was doing.
I just 