Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Girl At Jiu Jitsu
Uploaded: 2017-06-19T09:49:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Girl At Jiu Jitsu' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Girl At Jiu Jitsu' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-19. Transcript available.

Here's another one for a girl at jiu-jitsu. Hey, Billy Bullock's brand.
So my dilemma is I'm 18 and I've just, oh my, it's hot as friggin' hell in here.
Why don't you turn the AC on?
Because what am I supposed, oh, I'll hit pause, hang on.
All right, I'm back, here we go.
So my dilemma is I'm 18 and I've just finished the first, my first year of
college a few months ago
and I've been hitting the gym, good for you, as much as possible, good for you.
And I've been going to jiu-jitsu, you're crushing it, for the past couple of
months.
Anyway, first day going there, I noticed a girl in the beginner's class with me
and thought she was hot and she's doing jiu-jitsu.
This is nothing but great stuff so far.
So after a couple of weeks, I work up the nerve to talk to her, good for you.
Turns out I went to school with her younger brother, something in common.
This is like all rainbows right now.
And I was also the youngest in my year, so I think she might be 19 or 20.
Jesus Christ, this is just all ACES.
Why does my computer screen keep shutting down?
I don't know anyway after training.
I don't know.
Anyway, after training yesterday, I asked her, I asked for her Snapchat.
Is that the way millennials ask for digits now?
I never even said digits.
I'd be like, what's your number?
Can I call you?
You like my Z Cavaricis?
Daisy Buchanan's, dude.
It's a meat market.
Try not to curse in front of her, even though I've already done it 50 times
here.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Anyway, it's a training.
And she gave it to me.
And after I asked her for it, I felt like a weight had been lifted because I've
never
really talked to that many girls, let alone get their Snapchat or whatever.
Good for you.
Because I'm incredibly reluctant and a bit scared to talk to them.
Yeah, pathetic, I know.
But I think this girl is girlfriend material.
That's not pathetic.
Not just a fuck one time bitch.
That was pathetic.
Yeah, he really just made a left turn there.
That statement was pathetic.
He kind of built himself up as the, oh, shucks guy.
Yeah, and then he turned it around into...
Now he's a lady killer.
Yeah, what?
No, I know what it is.
What?
He's afraid of love.
Whatever.
No, no.
See what you just did?
You just turned her off.
All right, I think I'm solo on this one.
So, Billy Boy, what should I do?
How should I go about this?
How should I text her?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Love the podcast.
Wouldn't mind hearing from the lovely Nia's input, too, if possible.
Would love for you...
Can you just let a guy be a guy?
Nia, that's the equivalent of you guys being like, well, what does he do for a
living?
How much does he make?
What size house could I get when I kick him out?
Oh, is that the equivalent, Bill?
Yes.
Equivalent?
Equivalent, as in equal.
Also, nobody talks like that.
At least not in my circle.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, my God.
For me, I feel I need a 20-inch room house.
However your friends talk.
Would love for you to play a gig in Ireland.
Dublin sometime.
Thanks and go F yourself.
Dude, I played a gig.
I played three last year.
I went from Dublin up to Belfast and out to Galway.
I had an isosceled triangle of freckled fuckos I performed to out there.
Are you trying to be a badass with this whole not a one-time bitch fuck type of
thing?
What was that?
What was that little statement he threw in there?
Because that did really turn me off.
Why do you keep latching onto that?
This guy has all kinds of great qualities.
He's 18.
He's one year into college.
He's hitting the gym.
He's taking jujitsu.
He saw a beautiful woman.
He was smitten by her.
And he's nervous.
Okay.
He used to use his locker room talk.
I just don't understand why he has to be categorizing girls that he doesn't
even know.
And so this is like the kind of bitch you just fuck once.
And this is girlfriend material.
Go fuck yourself.
How about you're neither?
How about you're not going to get laid and you're an asshole that won't have a
girlfriend?
How about that?
How does that feel?
Meet me outside.
How about that?
It's catch me outside.
Catch me outside.
How about that?
Nia.
You guys do the same thing.
We're not talking about what you guys do and what everybody else does.
I'm talking about this person that wrote in this question.
Okay.
That's not what this conversation is about.
What everybody else does.
I want her to feel my passion.
Him.
Okay.
No.
Oh, her.
Oh, okay.
We're not discussing what women do versus what men do.
We're talking about this particular person who is like, oh, good for you.
You got her Snapchat.
Also, Snapchat, grow a pair and get her number if you're really trying to come
with it.
Don't be lurking on her Snapchat so you can jerk off to her little selfie pics.
I'm annoyed with this person.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'm jealous of this person.
You know what, son?
He's 18 and he's working out.
He's in the gym.
I don't appreciate that little line that you threw in.
He's not married.
His wife isn't freaking out.
He's freaking out.
He's still some type of way about it.
So, um.
All right.
Here's my advice, sir.
What was his question?
Here's my advice.
What did he want?
You know something, Nia, I swear to God, if you were a pitcher right now, I'm
coming out
and before I even get to the mound, I'm taking you out of the game.
I don't even know what that means.
It means you got way too emotional.
You lost your control.
And you're going to kill somebody.
Hit the showers.
Hell, she's girlfriend material, not just a one-time, you know, a bitch you
fuck once.
Oh, this guy cannot run in from the bullpen quick enough.
You've completely lost your composure.
Hit the showers on this one.
All right?
How do you know what kind of person she is?
Oh, boy.
Because you decided?
Because you've projected what you want your fantasy to?
Because she's not a real person to you, right?
She's not a real person.
She's just someone you saw doing jujitsu and is like, oh my God, this is like,
my dream girl.
Not like those other girls that you just like toss to the side.
You don't even know her.
You don't even care to know her.
You got her Snapchat.
Her Snapchat, really?
Throw a pair, ask for the number, or stay the fuck away.
Don't be lurking online like some kind of creep.
What is this person's name?
Oh, he's from Ireland.
Colin.
Mia.
Don't.
Seamus.
Seamus O'Leary.
No Seamus.
This guy has no Seamus.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Patrick.
Listen.
Yes.
Don't you guys have like, oh, this guy's husband material?
Yes.
Well, all right then.
So why don't you relax?
All right.
Good Lord.
I do get, I really got hot there.
You got grumpy.
All right.
Fine.
Yes.
There are definitely guys that you're like, this guy, you would not want to be
in relationship.
This is a guy that you just like bang out a few times and don't ever see again.
Yes.
That is the truth.
Bang out a few times.
No, you're right.
You're right.
Women do the same thing.
It's, it's a hundred percent true.
I, it just took you 20 minutes to get there.
I don't know.
It just bugged me.
Of course it bugged me.
Of course.
But I'm being a hypocrite because I've certainly had those feelings towards
certain guys.
So exactly.
And it's about time.
I start fucking admitting that instead of acting like the world OGO round of
drinks.
Hey, here's a man.
He's found.
He's smitten with this girl.
He's afraid, you know?
So he just, your tooth's coming in there, huh?
Yes.
Well, this is what I would say.
How should you go about this?
You're going to have to do something that's probably difficult at your age.
And I hate when older people say this, but you got to figure out a way to be
yourself.
You just got to walk.
You've said enough, dear.
I think you've said enough.
I'm sorry, Shane.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I think you've said enough here.
I think you dumped a whole bunch of other stuff from other days.
Was it something I did?
I don't know.
But this guy did not deserve that.
This is an 18-year-old.
He just became a man.
Okay.
Okay.
I overreacted a little bit.
He's going to college.
He's going to know how to defend his family, man.
Talking to each, right?
With his jujitsu.
I'm just saying, if you were my son, I'd be like, can you not?
Can you get off it, Nia?
All right.
I'm off it.
I'm off it.
Yeah, you're a hypocrite.
You're a hypocrite.
But what I love about you is you admit what a pig you are like the rest of us.
Jesus Christ.
Can you give the kid some advice here?
What was the question?
He got our Snapchat.
He's nervous.
He actually likes this woman.
What does he do?
He should just be himself.
Just listen.
I got to admit.
I saw you across the room.
I had one of those little mini heart attacks.
I really like you.
I'd like to take you out.
You got to go honest there.
Just ask her out.
Yeah.
You don't have to sit there and brood in the corner.
There's no reason to.
What you do is you fake with those ones.
You're just going to bang.
Somebody you actually like, you got to be honest with them or else it's not
going to work.
So just, yeah.
Okay, this little one is getting a little fussy.
I'm going to go.
Okay, cool.
I think you both need a nap.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry about that.
It's all right.
Hey, we all get there.
Whatever his name is.
That's it.
My bad.
Yeah.
All you know his name is Vinny.
All right.
All right.