Name: Bill Burr - Michael Phelps vs Shark
Uploaded: 2017-06-19T10:10:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Michael Phelps vs Shark' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Michael Phelps vs Shark' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-19. Transcript available.

All right. Phelps versus the shark. Bill, I just listened to your Monday
morning, your Thursday
afternoon just before Monday podcast and enjoyed your rant about the upcoming
fight between McGregor
and Mayweather. It's not, it wasn't a rant. It wasn't a rant. I just was
discussing the fucking
subject. If I was screaming and yelling, ranting and raving, that is a fucking
rant. You know,
I'm going to look up rant. I'm probably wrong. It's wrong about, you know, if
you transition,
your fucking habits change. Why the fuck would I be wrong about this? Rant.
Definition. Come
on. Oh, somehow I go to rant now. What the fuck is that? No rant. You cunt.
Come on. Definition.
Okay. Rant. Definition. Speak or shout at length in a wild and passioned way.
Yeah. She was still ranting on the, I don't know. Well, I think this just goes
back to me being from
Massachusetts and my ideas of, of yelling and, and fucking being out of control
are just different
than everybody else's. But you want to say I ranted finally, fine, whatever. Um,
yeah, I just,
you know what I fucking hate most about that McGregor Mayweather fight. Aside
from the fact
that, that McGregor is only going to be allowed to box. I mean, that guy's a
fucking Swiss army knife
for death. And then they're only letting him take out the spoon. You know, um,
you want fucking
annoys the shit out of me about that fight is I know I'm going to order it. I
know I'm going to order
it. How do you lay off that? Once I found out it's only going to be a hundred
bucks. I thought
it was gonna be like 200 bucks. I thought they were both making a hundred
million. I guess
Mayweather makes a hundred million McGregor makes 20 million for whatever
fucking reason.
How fucked up is that? I think the guy that isn't, you know, if they were doing
the fact
that McGregor isn't allowed to do what the fuck, you know, we could do, which
is put
Mayweather right on his back. And the thing would be over in 30 fucking seconds.
He should
be getting a hundred million. This is a walk in the park for Mayweather. This
is his fucking
strength. And if it went the other way, McGregor was allowed to use all of his
fucking fighting
skills. Then Mayweather should get the hundred million. This is classic Mayweather.
This guy's
a fucking genius. He's getting it entirely his way and he's making $80 million
more than this
other fucking guy. Um, anyways, he goes, did you see that Michael Phelps is
going to race a great
white shark for some discovery channel thing? I fucking refused. That's a joke,
right? That has to be a
joke. Do I have to look this up? I thought you might like that one. That's that,
that is fucking
ridiculous. Um, um, all right, I gotta look it up. What dude, even if the shark
was full, I mean,
that's, this is like the Mayweather fucking McGregor fight. This is what he
does. I mean,
Phelps swims, but he also does other shit. He goes to restaurants. You know
what I mean? He hits
a bong every once in a while. What the fuck does a shark do? That's all it does.
There's no fucking
way. There's no self. Oh my God. It can't. No. Phelps versus shark.
This can't be fucking real. Michael Phelps to race a great, uh, to race against
a great white
shark in shark weeks. Phelps versus shark. Jesus Christ. Whatever happened to
just being on the
fucking Wheaties box? You're not making enough money doing that. Michael Phelps
isn't done swimming yet.
The 23 time, 23 time Olympic gold medals. This guy has 23 gold fight. You know
what? This guy wants
to race a, you know, of course he does. He's done with human beings. I think a
shark is, is a good
tune-up fight when you're going into the ocean. I think this is, I don't know
who put this together.
Maybe it was Mayweather. He said he always picks the perfect fucking opponent.
You go in there against
a great white shark. You know what I mean? They're, they're not known for their
speed. Are they?
It's always dolphins zipping around. It's always the shit that they have to
fucking catch. That's
fast. Right. Then the slowest thing gets caught. All right. 23 time Olympic
gold medalists will
compete in the most adrenaline filled race yet when he swims against a great
white shark for this
discovery channel shark week. All right. So how do I handicap this? Are they
starting in the water?
Or is the shark got to get up on that fucking block too and wait for the
whistle? Oh, we got a false
start. We got a false start. We have a difficulty explaining to the shark what
the fucking whistle
is. He's just so freaked out that he's out of his natural atmosphere here. Um,
in Phelps versus shark,
great gold versus great white is what they're calling this. The retired athlete
will take on the
ocean's most efficient predator in a competition of speed. Jesus Christ. Can
you imagine who is Nike
putting out the swim goggles for the fucking shark? Um, all right. And I guess
Phelps tweeted something.
I was able to do something that I'd always wanted to do, be in a cage and dive
with great white sharks.
Um, wait, is he married? He's got a kid now. Good for him. First birthday party.
Hey, happy father's day to him.
What kind of a dad he's got to, you know what? He's got all that gold. You know,
you know, it's funny.
The dollar, the entire U S economy could collapse and he's going to be fine. He's
got 23 gold medals.
You just melt those fucking thing down. You make little nickel sized coins.
That guy's eating subs for
the rest of his fucking life. Um, Phelps great white race. Isn't the only shark
week special he'll be
appearing in the father of one will also join. I don't give a fuck about the,
what he's doing. I
together. The trio will dispel myths and misconceptions and teach Phelps the
proper way
to get up close and personal with hammerheads and great whites. Okay. You know,
what's funny
about fucking the discovery channel after all these years of being the
champions, the absolute champions
of miss information about sharks, you'd always watch their things on the sharks.
Um,
you'd always watch these things on the sharks and, uh, while you watch the
program, they'd always say
all this, you know, these things are being hunted down. There aren't
misunderstood, blah, blah, blah.
But when you watch the fucking advertising for that week, shark week, it was
always, they,
they was like another Jaws movie was coming out. It was really bad. So now I
guess they're finally
feeling guilty or maybe some younger people came in on the discovery channel
and they're finally
done, uh, I don't know, shitting on sharks. So wait, wait, wait, they're going
to be in a
fucking saltwater pool. If they're in a pool, I like Phelps for the simple fact
that I have a
feeling that the shark's going to go out of its lane and be disqualified. And
at the very least,
the shark can't do that little somersault flip at the end of the fucking pool.
Um, Jesus Christ is this, this is what the world is. The world of sport is
becoming.
Um, I don't know. Back in the day, you used to have those fat, bald guys,
strong men. They were
always bald, right? Something about lifting weights back in the day. You know,
you went bald
and they would always be pulling trains with their teeth and shit.