Name: Bill Burr - Getting Ready For The David Ortiz Roast
Uploaded: 2017-06-23T16:25:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Ready For The David Ortiz Roast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Getting Ready For The David Ortiz Roast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

I got one of the most stressful gigs. This is the last stressful gig I have all
year.
I got past all the fucking press, you know what I mean?
It's all the press I had to do for that fucking thing. You sit down, you're
like, how's this gonna go?
How's this one, how's that one gonna go? And you get all through it, right?
I had a bunch of fucking, you know, I did that gig for the cops, the motorcycle
cops in California.
I somehow got through that one. I wasn't sure how that was gonna go. That one
ended up going great.
I got one last fucking thing. And once I get past this gig, I have nothing but
comfort zone gigs for the rest of my year.
Today, I'm on a roast. They're retiring David Ortiz's number.
And he wanted to have a roast for his charity.
And what's hilarious is I don't think he's gonna understand most of the shit.
Like he, one of the comedians he was talking to said, you know, I went out, I
laughed when other people were laughing,
but you talk real fast, I don't understand what a lot of it is.
It's fucking, which I understand, because if I went to the Dominican Republic
and they started roasting me,
I'd be like, eh.
I just keep waiting for them.
Rojo, that's the word I'd be waiting for.
Ah, they're talking about me.
Cabeza, Rojo, whatever the fuck they're gonna say.
Cabeza?
However the fuck you say it.
I don't know.
So, um, I got some good ones.
I got some good ones.
Uh, how do you roast David Ortiz?
You know, fucking Gronk's there.
Uh, Pedroia's gonna be there.
And, you know, these are all
athletes that play for Boston teams,
so all of them
have won championships.
That's just how it is around here, people.
This isn't like your towns
where roasting one of your local athletes
three out of the four sports.
You know, maybe you won one championship.
It'd be a fucking joke.
See, what other city would be hard?
New York, you could fucking destroy people.
Fucking destroy people.
Because I don't think there's anybody left on the Yankees.
And the, God knows, football teams turn over.
You couldn't really fuck.
I mean, Eli, they'd always just make fun of how he looks.
I mean, you could trash the Knicks.
Trash the Mets.
Trash the Rangers.
Those Brooklyn fucking teams.
That'd have to be like a two-part fucking roast.
Pittsburgh would be a hard place.
You know, that'd be a hard place.
All right, maybe you could trash the Pirates.
But, I mean, fucking Penguins, back-to-back,
and they've won three with Crosby.
Big Ben's won two.
And, you know, a bunch of his shit would be taken off the table.
That's how it works.
They'd take it off the table.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Could you not?
So, anyways, I just have to get through this.
So, I figure I'm going to sit there and get called a cancer patient
for fucking an hour.
They'll make fun of my black wife.
And then I just, all I got to do is just go up there for ten minutes
and trash David Ortiz.
I mean, it's going to be fun.
I so want to tell you some of the jokes,
but I know you cunts are going to tweet them,
and then people will read them before I get there,
and I need every laugh I can get.
I literally was fucking writing this shit.
Like, I can't sit down and write.
I can't do it.
You know, think of how I read out loud, okay?
Now, imagine me trying to put those words down onto a piece of paper, okay?
How I do it is I put my daughter in the stroller,
and I walk her around the block,
a big, huge walk around the block,
and I'm just talking to myself.
And everybody thinks, oh, look at that daddy.
He's so engaged with this child.
And I'm really coming up with roast jokes.
And then I sat down and I smoked a cigar by myself on my back porch,
and I just video myself,
and I just say shit into my fucking...
Then I'll have, like, 40 videos,
all, like, 9, 10 seconds long,
and then I just transcribed them on the plane,
most of them.
Now I'm trying to put them into an order where they flow,
and I'm actually writing them down.
But I'm too late for the teleprompter!
So I'm going to have to go up there old school
with the fucking pieces of paper up there.
I know people are going to be like,
everybody else just went up there,
you fucking bitch, man.
Look over your shoulder, douche.
There it is, the teleprompter.
See that?
The rabbit's already in the hat.
I never do these roast things either.
I never do them.
I thought a lot of those Comedy Central ones after a while,
they just went off the rails.
You know what I mean?
It just, everything was like the fucking,
I don't know.
Everything was the goddamn same.
Same fucking stupid joke, you know?
Hey, I'm not saying this guy beep-a-doop-a-winnie-waka-waka-waka-waka-waka-waka-aids.
9-11, you know, whatever the fuck you could say
that would, you know, be the most, you know,
air quote, edgy fucking thing,
even though it was totally fucking predictable.
So, yeah, I never got into those things.
You know, hey, wouldn't fuck your mother with the dog's dick
that had herpes with the fucking scurvy.
Plus, I don't get roasting somebody you don't know.
Like, the most jokes I have for the people on this
is for Lenny Clark,
because I know Lenny, and I love Lenny.
So I got stories.
I know what he's done.
I got all this stuff I can shit on him.
I have more shit about Lenny Clark
than I do, you know.
Gronkowski's a tough one, too,
because everyone's going to go,
oh, he's fucking stupid.
So I'm trying to think of another angle.
Which there really isn't one.
Something about spiking a baby.
I have no idea.
So,
I'm a little amped up for this thing.
A little nervous, a little amped up.
I can't fucking wait.
All I know is this is one of these deals
where it's just like,
just fucking bring me up.
Bring me up
so I can do this thing,
and then I can relax.
Then I can relax.
That's all I need to do.
I just got to get through tonight.
Just get through
tonight,
tonight,
tonight.
Whoa!
Then it's easy.
Then it's fucking easy.
I go back to my regularly scheduled
stand-up dates.
You know,
God willing,
we'll get a third season
I've F's for family.
I've already been through
that shit twice.
I'm right back into my comfort zone.
You know,
so I got here last night,
and,
you know,
I cab it over to the fucking
Laugh Boston
because everybody was going over
to run their roast shit,
and I didn't want to do that.
I just wanted to do stand-up.
Just go up there and be funny,
you know,
warm up,
loosen up a little bit,
and then tonight,
I'll just fucking do the jokes.
That is the game plan.
I'm going to have it printed out
nice and fucking big.
The font's going to be nice and big,
so there's no way for me
to fuck these things up,
and I'm just going to go
right down the dais.
I figure there's like fucking,
we got Adam Ray,
we got fucking Susie Soliloquy,
we got Mikey Monologue,
Victoria,
I got eight or nine fucking,
I do a minute on everybody,
I'm done.
But I got to do David the fucking longest.
So I got,
I got,
you know,
he's actually surprisingly
not that hard to roast,
even though all the shit
that he did,
you know,
you can get that guy pretty good.
Pedroia is difficult.
Once you just get past,
you know,
he's just a little fella,
you know,
then it's like,
well now what do I do?
Oh, for Christ's sake,
who's texting me now?
Huh?
Anyways.
Yes,
and then once I get through that,
the rest of the year is downhill.
I so want to read you guys
some of these fucking jokes.
I'm going to blame David Ortiz
for childhood obesity.
There's one for you.
Oh,
the Red Sox.
Oh yeah.
I got some good shit for them
just in general.
I don't have a lot of Pedroia stuff.
Gronkowski's hard too
because I'm going on last
and I know everybody's going to be like,
I'm not saying this guy's dumb,
but he fucking wooka wooka
and then he waka waka.
And then I'll be like,
ah,
fuck,
I can't do that joke.
Now what do I do?
I don't know.
I'll figure it out.
All right.
How much time have I done here?
Oh,
37 minutes.
Well,
you know what?
Usually I'd give you
a little more fucking freebies here,
but I got to go back to writing,
which I really don't want to do.
Oh,
Jesus.
Well,
you know what?
I guess,
I guess that's what I got to do here.
I,
yeah,
I got to sit down.
I got to do this fucking roasting.
I need more shit on Pedroia.
I need more shit on Gronk.
I mean,
where do you go?
Where do you go with either one of them?
I get it.
He's little and he's dumb.
What else is there?
What the fuck else is there?
Um,