Name: Bill Burr - The David Ortiz Roast
Uploaded: 2017-06-26T09:08:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The David Ortiz Roast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The David Ortiz Roast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-26. Transcript available.

I'm actually relieved, believe it or not, because I did the Big Poppy Roast on,
what was it, Thursday night.
And thank Christ, it went about as great as it could have gone.
I'm not a big fan of doing roasts. You know what the last roast I did was?
I did the Patrice O'Neill Roast, like 15 years ago or something, whenever the
hell that was.
That was the last time, because I never understood doing one unless you were
friends with the person, right?
But what I always like is I always see guys like Lenny Clark and Dennis Leary.
You know, they're always hanging out at Red Sox games, getting up in the
broadcast booth, and I'm like, I would love to fucking do some shit like that.
I need to do more Boston hometown shit.
So this thing came up, and I'm like, ugh, why did it have to be a roast?
And Nia chimed in, she's like, you should do it.
So I said, yes, I'll do it.
And then I had no time to fucking write, because I was dealing with a bunch of
other shit.
And all of a sudden, it was a few days away.
And I dealt with that race, that race, that roast, the way this country dealt
with Y2K.
You know, where we waited until the last second.
Then we were like, oh my God, what are we going to do?
Like we treated it like a fucking giant term paper.
That's what I did.
And it was a race to Thursday, what I was trying to say.
A race to the finish line.
A race against time.
And I actually figured out how my brain works when it comes to those fucking
things.
It's the same way it works for stand-up.
But for some reason, you think like a roast, I have to sit down and write jokes.
That's not what I needed to do.
I needed to put my daughter.
Is that my daughter in there?
I had to put my daughter in the stroller and walk around the block.
And then I had to, I smoked a cigar by myself on the back porch.
And I just kept thinking of shit.
And I would just videotape myself saying it.
And then I had all these videos.
And I forget if I told you this, guys.
You guys this on, sorry, on Thursday.
But I just watched the videos and I just spliced together every good one.
Just transcribed them.
And then I had the block of everybody, right?
I had Poppy, Gronk, Pedroia, Josh Wolfe, Lenny Clark, Sarah Tiana, Anthony Mackie.
I had everybody that was on the fucking thing.
And I just would put them underneath, you know, each name.
And then I just, then made a new document.
And I just took the best of the best, slid them over.
Then I put them in the best possible order.
Then I went in order of person.
And then I smoothed it out.
And it all worked.
Thank fucking Christ.
The only way to make fun of David Ortiz was just to make fun of how he looked
and the fact that he was a DH.
That's all I had.
And I made fun of the Dominican Republic a little bit.
And that was it.
That was it.
So I don't know if this video, I know Gronk fucking killed.
Pedroia killed.
He told this fucking hilarious story about Poppy not knowing his first name was
Dustin.
Somebody said to him, like, Poppy was in the batter's box.
Not the batter's box.
He was on, like, the on-deck circle.
And Pedroia was, stepped out of the batter's box.
The umpire called timeout or something.
And the catcher just said hello to D.
He said, hey, what's up, Dustin?
And when Dustin walked over to Poppy to talk to him, Poppy said, he goes, what
the fuck did that guy just say to you?
What the fuck did that guy just call you?
He said, what's up, Dustin?
And Poppy was like, what the fuck does that mean?
He goes, that's my first name.
Poppy was like, oh, yeah?
Like, he didn't even know.
He thought his name was Pee Wee.
So Pedroia's like, dude, it's my first name.
They introduced me every time I go up to bat.
I've been going up to bat like 10,000 times.
I bat in front of you.
Every time I come to the plate, they say, now batting number 15, Dustin Pedroia.
And it just never clicked with him.
There's another guy I would have gone to summer school with.
Pedroia got it.
Like, I think Pedroia got it the worst.
He was hilarious.
He just kept sitting there like, dude, what the fuck?
You know, it was just, I think he got, you know, speaking of 11,000, it was
like 11,000 short jokes for him.
So there is clips of it up on the internet.
It wasn't the greatest organized thing.
It was the first time they did it, and they didn't know how to do a roast.
And you can't have people filming at it because a roast is so over the top, and
that's how people get in trouble.
And they, you know, they take shit out of context and blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
It's completely fucking over the top.
So, you know, I don't know why.
I don't know why they let people film.
I don't know why things happen.
Why do things happen like that?
But anyways, I had to go on dead last, and everybody fucking killed.
Lenny went up first, killed.
Adam Ray went up, dressed as a Yankee fan named Tony, and just told everybody
in the crowd to suck his dick and kept trashing Big Papi and then bragging
about the Yankees' 27 championships, and the crowd loved it.
While they were booing him, they were always so loving it.
He was fucking hilarious.
Anthony Mackie killed.
Sarah Tiana fucking destroyed.
Probably had my favorite joke in the night.
And then fucking Gronk went up, killed.
Then Pedroia, and then I had to go up last.
And it's one of those things, as you sit there, you know, you're kind of losing
angles as you go.
So I tried to do, I tried to just go, like, a unique way.
So with Gronk, I knew everybody was going to say he was stupid, so I was like,
all right, I'm going to say he's smart.
I'm going to go that way with it.
By the way, by the way, he actually was commenting on how he hates going to
concerts and how everybody sits there fucking looking at the concert through
their phone.
You know what I mean?
How fucking stupid that is.
I love everybody thinks that that guy's dumb.
You know, like, you can make it to the NFL, memorize the playbook, and all of
that.
All that fucking shit you got to learn.
And then go out on the field against the top athletes on the planet and make
split-second decisions and reactions to how they're reacting to you.
And people feel that you can actually get there and just be this big, dumb guy.
I knew he wasn't going to be dumb when I met him, and he wasn't.
So that made the shit that I was going to say about him even better.
I mean, I did one dumb joke about him being dumb, but I had to get through it.
I had to do, like, fucking 10, 12 minutes.
So anyways, it went great.
And my favorite part about it was, uh, poppy yelled, fuck you at me at least
three or four times.
And I just kept going, fuck you too, man.
It's a roast.
You wanted to get roasted.
Here we go.
And, uh, he was such a fucking great guy.
The guy really, like, is a rock star, man.
His whole vibe is a fucking rock star.
So when I finished, he got up off the chair and came over and gave me a big
fucking hug.
And, uh, and thanked me for doing it.
Just, just really, like, one of the great fucking people I've ever gotten to do
something like that for.
So, um, what was funny is I had, I had just as much, I think I had more jokes
about Lenny Clark than I did about poppy just because I knew him.
Which is why I always feel like if you're going to do a roast, you should know
the person.
And, um, what's hilarious is, uh, Lenny has been clean and sober for like a
quarter of a century.
And, uh, all of my jokes were about him just being a fucking, you know,
complete mania.
I, I, I talked to him basically like he wasn't sober.
Like he hadn't been sober and he was, you know, the best guy about, uh, great
sport about it.
So anyways, long story short, um, I got through it.
And I told you once I got through that gig, my, the whole rest of my year,
fucking nothing easy, easy, easy, easy peasy.
Everything's in my wheelhouse.
It's the weirdest fucking year for me.
I, all the crazy shit I had to do this month.
Um, oh, this year was all in this month.
All of this stuff of just, um, I haven't thought, I haven't sat worried
thinking how the fuck is this going to go?
This many times in one month since back when I first started out doing standup,
which basically every show I was going up thinking like, ah, fuck commit to
your shit.
Get that first laugh, ride the wave.
Don't go over.
Say good night.
Get the fuck out of there, you know?
So, um, that's it.
And I'm ready to go to the summer.
The next night we all went to the game, got to see the retirement ceremony.
And, uh, it was great, man.
Jim Rice was there, Carl Yastrzemski, um, Veritek, Pedro Martinez, um, Pedroia
came out and, um, I got to see the whole thing, man.
They took the, you know, uncovered it, got to see when they were first put 34
up there.
And, um, I got to admit though, part of it was sad.
It was like, fuck, it's over.
It's over.
Now he's part of the history of the Boston Red Sox.
And, um, I don't know.
I, you know, all those ceremonies, man, they always just remind you that you're
going to fucking die.
Like, oh, now he's too old to play baseball.
He's too old to fucking play.
And I'm like 15 years fucking older than he is at 10 years older than him.
You know, seeing Carl Yastrzemski coming out with all white hair.
I should have known that was coming.
I should have known that guy played until he was like fucking 40.
Oh my God.
I'm, I'm nine years older than when that guy retired.
Maybe he played like, like 43.
I don't fucking know.
This is getting depressing.
How do I get out of this?
How the fuck do I get out of this?