Name: Bill Burr - Girlfriend Wants Me To Change My Name
Uploaded: 2017-07-04T06:53:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Wants Me To Change My Name' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Girlfriend Wants Me To Change My Name' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

Alright, girlfriend wants me to change my name. Dear Bill, I'm a huge longtime
fan of yours from the younger generation.
F1's for family is, oh F is for family. God, I can't even read my name on my
own fucking, that's an I.
F is for family is fucking awesome. Can't wait for season three to come out to
see what happens next.
Well, thank you. I was hoping you could give me your two cents on this
situation.
I've been in a relationship with a wonderful young lady for over two years now.
We met at a community college in my state and hit it off really quickly.
She's smart, outgoing, beautiful, community college. Easy. Hey, I don't know
about the smart thing there.
Alright, no, I'm kidding. A lot of smart people go to community college. They
do.
They just fucking scatterbrained. A lot of dopes go there too.
She's smart, outgoing, beautiful, and has a great sense of humor.
She's tall, slim, black girl, while I am a greasy-haired Italian white guy and
we get along great.
The problem first started with my dad. He's a total racist and since we can't
afford to put me in a real university, I have to live with him.
I've tried to get him to change his ways, but it's like you said in your act.
Old men, like him, come from a different era, so there's probably zero chance
he'll ever change his mind. Yeah, he can't change somebody's mind. They have to
want to.
I told my girlfriend how frustrating it is with him, and she understands that
even though my dad hates her and doesn't want us to be together, that I'm
nothing like him, at least where it counts.
Even though I can't stand my dad's attitude, I know that he only wants the best
for me, so I try to be a good boyfriend and a good son while keeping my father
and girlfriend separate from each other.
We also spend time out at her place, and Shirley comes over to my place when my
father is on a business retreat. Jesus Christ, this is complex.
It's really inconvenient, but we've been making it work for over two years in
spite of the tribulation, and we're still going strong.
It seems like I got everything figured out.
All right.
Jesus, this is a fucking long one.
Seems like I got everything figured out, Bill, but here's where things get
tricky.
Since I'm his firstborn son, my dad named him after himself.
Same first name, middle name, and last name.
My girlfriend hates that the guy she's been in a serious relationship with for
a long time has the same name as a cantankerous old racist, Dago.
I like how you're being racist about yourself.
Greasy, Italian, Dago.
Anyways, who hates her sexy black ass for no justifiable reason.
Jesus Christ.
It sounds like bad fucking dialogue in a porno.
She wants me to legally change my name completely, first, middle, and last, so
that there is no connection to my father whatsoever.
When I asked her what name she thinks I should have, dude, this is, I don't
believe this.
You got to be shitting me.
She said I could change my last name to the same as her, her name, last name,
parentheses, what the fuck.
I told her that if it would make her happy, I would be willing to change my
name, but if I did that, my dad would feel betrayed.
He would hate her even more for stealing away, stealing only son away from him,
and the rest of the family think I'm a total, trying to dissociate myself from
them, which is totally not the case.
She got upset with me and has given me regular reminders since then that she's
serious about wanting me to go through with this.
This isn't the first time I've considered changing my name, even before I
started dating this woman.
It's a very Italian sounding name.
So what?
You're very Italian.
That people always made fun of me for throughout school, so I've come to
dislike it myself.
Yeah, dude, you got a lot of self-loathing going on here.
Italians are the shit.
Who makes better food than you?
Huh?
Japanese.
No, you guys make like the best food on the fucking planet.
The Ferrari, the Ducati.
You fucking women, the Mediterranean lifestyle.
What are you walking away from here?
So, Bill, what the fuck should I do here?
How can I make things right with my girlfriend as well as my dad without
accepting one party or the other?
She stopped introducing me to people using my name and she only refers to me as
my boyfriend.
I've been able to circumvent hostility between my dad and my girlfriend before,
but I've totally...
I'm totally lost with this one.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Sincerely.
That's funny.
And he fucking leaves his name off.
Here's the deal, too.
First of all, this isn't about your dad and this isn't about your girlfriend.
This is about you.
Okay?
You date who the fuck you want to date and your name is your fucking name.
And your heritage is your fucking heritage.
All right?
Like, what if her fucking...
Her parents didn't like you because you were white and you said, okay, you're
named after your mom.
I can't stand your mom.
Change your fucking name.
And I'm going to pick the name and it's not going to sound like, you know...
I guess black people don't have their fucking ethnic names anymore, do they?
Thank you, white people.
But you know what I mean.
Yeah, fuck that, dude.
You can't do that shit.
You can't do that shit.
Fuck that.
Your name is your name and you're Italian and you should be fucking proud of it.
Okay?
And you're not your dad and she needs to fucking accept that.
You're not changing your fucking name.
And if she has a problem, she can fucking walk away.
She can fucking walk.
All right?
You know what you really need to do?
You need to get out of your fucking house and you need to fucking build your
own life.
Okay?
And you need to be with somebody like...
This is fucking nuts.
Like, I got to tell you, dude.
Like, that...
If you thought about shit, if that came from you, that's one thing.
But the fact that she fucking wants you to do that, that's fucking insane.
Don't do it.
You know, you're...
You're giving in to everybody else.
And you're not staying true to yourself.
You got to figure out what the fuck you want.
And you have to be yourself.
Jesus fucking Christ, man.
Your dad is who the fuck he is.
Your girlfriend is who she is.
And you're who you are.
Okay?
And you should be proud of who the fuck you are.
Work on the stuff you need to work on.
And be proud of your heritage.
I don't fucking get that at all.
You know, I know a number of people.
Like, Italians.
They always ask, ah, there's two Italian sounding names.
Who fucking gives a shit?
I don't understand.
Like, I don't know.
I wouldn't do that.
I miss all the fucking ethnic names.
Everybody homogenized their fucking names.
I think it's interesting when you meet somebody that's like that.
So, I think you need to pump the brakes here, sir.
All right?
Because now it's getting fucking crazy.
And, yeah, don't do that to your dad.
Don't change your fucking name.
Who gives a shit?
He's an old crabby fucking racist.
This is the deal, dude.
He's going to die someday.
All right?
And you're going to continue on.
So, what you haven't done yet is you haven't created your own life.
You're still living at home with this guy.
So, you have to fucking move out.
All right?
The name he gave you is the name that he fucking gave you.
Don't change it because of his stupid fucking thoughts.
Okay?
Embrace who the fuck you are.
And if this woman, you can't fucking deal with it, tell her to walk.
Tell her to fucking walk.
You're young.
There's plenty of fish in the fucking sea.
You know, Jesus Christ.
You're going to fucking bend over that far?
You're bending over backwards, flipping.
You're like a fucking gymnast.
You know, when they do those things?
Hands, foot, hand, foot, hand, foot.
All the way across the fucking diagonally across the goddamn mat.
Fuck that.
Fuck all of that.
You know?
I liked your girlfriend at first.
By the end of this fucking thing, I didn't like her.
Okay?
Because she's waging war with your dad through you.
And you're innocent.
All right?
You're the guy taking her out for a fucking ice cream.
Why do you got to do all this shit?
Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ.
Her telling you to change your fucking name would be you telling her to go get
it.
Can you get like a weave, like a blonde weave or some shit like that?
I mean, what the fuck?
You got to be who the fuck you are.
God bless you, you Italian son of a bitch.
Stay true to your heritage.
Stay true to your fucking name.
Continue not to be racist.
And fucking just be yourself.
Change your fucking name.
Ah, Jesus Christ.