Name: Bill Burr - Rant About A Trip To The Bank
Uploaded: 2017-07-04T07:22:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rant About A Trip To The Bank' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Rant About A Trip To The Bank' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

But, you know, I don't apologize to the guy at the bank.
I owe taxes, right?
I owe taxes up in fucking Canada.
So my accountant goes, you have to go to the bank.
I'm going to send you an email with all the fucking account information.
They can wire it up there.
Bing, bang, boom, done.
So I say, fine.
So I go up, I download the thing.
I bring my laptop.
I fucking get this David Blaine looking dude, you know, at the bank to help me
out, right?
So we walk into his cubicle area.
We sit down.
I have all the information on the computer screen.
He starts going, read me the VIN number.
I know it's not that, but you know what I mean.
And I'm like, what number?
He's like, that number there.
Read that to me.
So I read it to him.
He goes, all right, read me the next number.
I go, which number?
He goes, read me that number.
And then I just finally looked at him.
I go, what do I work here?
He's like, excuse me?
I go, I feel like I work here right now.
I'm like, look, just turn it around.
Here's all the information.
Type it in.
And he goes, well, it's going to go quicker or something like that.
And then he just kind of got quiet, right?
I'm just fucking sitting there.
And then after a couple minutes, he just kind of goes like, you know, I don't
understand
like why you got upset there.
I go, well, I'm not upset.
I'm just calling you out on the fact you start treating me like your secretary.
I don't work here.
He goes, I'm not treating you like your secretary.
I go, yeah, you are.
You got me like reading off numbers and stuff.
He goes, I'm just doing that because it'll be faster.
And I go, well, I disagree.
Well, what the fuck am I?
You understand?
You work at the bank.
You're at the bank.
You work at the bank.
You get paid to work at the fucking bank.
I'm the customer.
This is what I need you to do.
Do the fucking transaction.
Jesus fucking Christ.
These fucking goddamn, I'm going to say it.
These kids today, everything about them is interactive.
Hey, man, like, hey, you know, fucking reach out through the fucking interweb,
man.
Fuck off and do your job.
But I didn't say any of that.
I just said I disagree.
That's the best I could do.
But I just couldn't, he was like, but he was, what kills me is he's walking
around
saying that I'm a dick, which I am.
I admit to that, but I'm fucking right.
I got to sit there and read off fucking numbers to you.
He goes, can you read this?
He didn't even say please.
He starts talking to me like I'm, like, like, I was like, did I just get hired
as your assistant?
You fucking cunt.
I didn't even know what he was talking about, all of those numbers.
I'm not a fucking banker.
Every time he told me to read off a number, he had to explain what the number
is.
Like, how is that, how is that quicker?
Oh, Jesus.
So I meditated for the first time in about six weeks.
I'm just trying.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know.
To the guy at the bank, maybe I could have explained it a little nicer.
Maybe I couldn't have just flipped out here.
But, you know, know this.
That's what I wanted to say in the bank, but I didn't.
Okay, I just fucking kept my cool.
But, like, you work at the bank.
I don't.
I need you to do this transaction.
I have money in your bank.
Back in the day, you guys used to give, like, 10%, 8% on fucking money in the
bank.
You now give, like, 0.0001%.
Okay?
So now you don't give me any money on it.
You've loaned 10 times out on what I fucking have there.
You guys invent money.
You're literally counterfeiters.
And now I have to go in there.
You guys nuke the fucking economy every eight fucking years.
Building housing bubbles or whatever.
And you don't go to jail for it.
And you leave Americans upside down in their houses.
You don't give a fuck.
And then on top of that, I got to go in and read the fucking numbers off to you.
Fuck off.
I know this is childish for me to be sitting here alone, losing my mind.
But I cannot lie to you and not tell you how fucking good this feels to get
this out of me.
You know, part of my meditation today is I'm actually doing this series on
patience.
Swear to God.
And the guy said, oh, God, what the fuck did he say?
It almost made me mad when I was, like, I wanted to debate with the guy, but I
can't because it's just a recording.
He basically said that when you lose your patience, it's because you have
expectations of other people.
Okay, and then when you react to that, it's, like, your fault for reacting to
it.
For having, you're wrong to have these expectations of people.
And I'm thinking in my head, like, that doesn't make any, like, at this point,
I'm wrong that I expect people to put in an effort at their job the way that I
do.
And the way that I did.
And I'm not patting myself on the back, but when I fucking, I always, any job I
had, I fucking killed it.
Unless I just literally didn't have the talent, like construction.
I just, I mean, I could bring you the shit.
I just didn't have that gift.
Or I tried to sell health insurance.
I just wasn't good at it.
And you know what I did?
I had the decency with both of those jobs to quit within a week and a half.
I didn't fucking sit there and torture people and just suck at my job as they
came walking in.
Or worse, try to make them do part of my job.
So I'm listening to this guy.
And he's, he's, he's talking in a very soothing voice like this.
Some sort of British accent.
When we walk in there, we have, it's headspace.
Hello again.
Welcome to headspace.
When we have expectations of other people, gives us a tendency to, he tries to
like laugh, lose, lose our patience.
Don't get all fucking jolly.
Because you know, you know what it is?
He's doing that because he knows there's an angry cunt like me laying on the
ground going like, okay, so now you're, you're defending this guy at the bank.
You weren't even fucking there.
You know?
So now basically what you're saying is in order for me to have patience, I have
to basically treat people the way I treat my daughter.
Which is, I understand that she's a baby and doesn't know anything yet.
You know?
So I have to have 100% patience with her, which I do.
But that's because she's a baby.
So now I'm supposed to walk in and sit across from a 27-year-old guy in his,
you're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it, fucking suit.
And as he tells me to do, how could I have done that better?
I guess what I should have said is, sir, I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm
not going to read those numbers to you.
I feel that you work at the bank and I am the customer and I feel that that
crosses a boundary that I'm, I'm not comfortable with.
Well, I guess I could have said that, right?
And I, when he exhaled, I probably should, like, when he exhaled, like, I, it
was like someone fucking twisted a knife in my back.
I wanted to fucking, like, did you just fucking exhale?
Yeah, because once again, I guess I had expectations that this guy, you know, I
had the ability to fucking look at a paper with all the answers to the test on
it while typing at the same time.
I mean, I can do that.
I could do that for half a page and I only make a couple of mistakes and I
taught myself how to do it.
What the fuck?
How much more easier does life have to be?
And then, you know, I was also thinking when I left, it was like, you know
something?
My wife would have just read the numbers off to him.
She would have read the numbers off to him.
And then afterwards, I would have said, like, why did you just do that?
You did your job.
She goes, well, you know, you're right.
You're right.
You know, I probably shouldn't have done that.
But, you know, it got it done quick.
You know, I just didn't want to have the argument.
Blah, blah, blah.
She continues on.
You know what?
And she's a way, way happier person.
On paper, I think.
On paper.
I don't know.
You know, the thing about women is the big red flag is the level of shopping
that they do.
And the amount of shit that they buy.
Like, that's, I don't know.
There's a fucking unhappiness there.
There's something psychotic going on with just the amount, the sheer amount of
clothes and shit that they buy and just stuff that they fucking buy.
I don't see tranquility in it.
I feel like that's like eating fucking, you know, seized candies.
Just, they just love having that UPS driver showing up and, oh, it's a little
package for me.
You know, I actually judge how well my relationship's going by how often the
fucking UPS driver comes to the door.
If he's coming a lot, then I need to take her out to dinner or something.
If, you know, if he's coming every once in a while, then it's just her doing
the woman thing of basically, you know, fucking kicking our retirement right in
the seats.
All right.
I didn't need to go.
I'm okay.
Whatever.
I apologize to everybody.
I apologize to that first guy at the fucking Verizon store.
I apologize for the way I conveyed what I was trying to say to the David Blaine
looking dude at the bank.
You know, I don't know.
Maybe it's a new world.
Maybe I'm just a fucking old guy.
Maybe that's why I don't fucking know.
I don't, I don't know.
I still think I'm right.
But I'm going to learn in the future not to have expectations of people and
just sit there as the sands of my life slip away waiting for somebody to do
their fucking job that they get paid to do.