Name: Bill Burr - Monkeys | Baby Animals | Animals At The Zoo
Uploaded: 2017-07-14T03:05:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Monkeys | Baby Animals | Animals At The Zoo' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Monkeys | Baby Animals | Animals At The Zoo' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-14. Transcript available.

I don't like hyenas and I fucking hate monkeys. I like gorillas. I don't like
monkeys.
I definitely don't like chimpanzees and I'm definitely going to go see Planet
of the Apes
and I'm rooting for the humans. As much as I know that, you know, if we win, we're
going to
continue to cause global warming and throw TV sets into the ocean. I just, uh,
I don't like
those fucking things. Like that first Planet of the Apes, this latest reboot of
it, when the
thing's walking down the street and had like pants on and the guy's like
holding its fucking
hand. Yeah. Like me and I always go to the Planet of the Apes movies and we
just exchange looks
the entire fucking time. Just look at each other. Like, this is just fucking,
this is so fucking
weird. They're so fucking weird. They're so close to what we are, you know, but
they can
like rip your face off and they just don't give a shit. I'm actually more
nervous than
biting you. I don't know. I don't like fucking monkeys. I respect them. And, uh,
but I could
never live in a, in a, in a country where they're just out in the wild like
that, like
part of you. Do you ever see like those things like in India or some shit and
some guy will
be walking down the street and this fucking random monkey will just run up
behind him
and give him like a, the monkey version of a fucking flying dropkick. And the
guy does
like a face plant and the monkey takes off like laughing at him. Like, um, I, I,
I wouldn't
be able to handle that. I'd be like, I'm going to fucking kill that thing. Not
kill it, kill
it. Cause then I feel bad, but I'm going to throw a fucking rock at it. Right.
If I'm walking
down some fucking God-forsaken road and a monkey knocks me over and then it
goes up the fucking
tree and it's jumping up and down all proud of itself. I would, I would love to
think that,
you know, for all the PETA people listening, that I would be mature enough to
not do something,
but, uh, I would have to do something. If I lived in a country that had fucking
just monkeys running
around, I would have like, I would, you know what I would do? I would design
like a portable firehose,
right? You know, with that level of fucking velocity. And after they fucking
did whatever
they did, throw their poo at me or whatever the fuck they did, I would just
blast them right out of
the trees. You know, those little ones. If there was fucking chimpanzees, you
can't have them. You
can't have it. It's amazing how we just found out now that chimpanzees can like
rip your face off.
You know, like when they go to kill another chimpanzee, they like to rip their
balls right
off, twist their foot off and fucking rip their face. They do all this fucking
crazy shit. Then
they get all amped up afterwards. All the other apes after they fucking killed
that one, they're
jumping around all talking shit about what the fuck they just did. Um, there's
no fucking way.
There's no fucking way I could live in a country that had that type of shit. I
wouldn't, I would
be fucking packing the entire time. You know, like if my neighbor ever just
like for years,
like in Hollywood, like the chimpanzee was, was so fucking castable. And now
that I've actually gotten
to a writer's room and, and, and I talked to these guys about different shoots,
everybody has a monkey
story. Everybody has a fucking monkey story where it's like, ah, man, you know,
can't do it, man.
Can't do it. I won't work with them. I won't work with them. And I'm like,
really? And they go,
why, what happens? I've got, you know what, this is what the fuck happens. Okay.
You do,
you know, you got a finite amount of time. The monkey's going to do kind of
what you want it to
do. And then it's going to get to a fucking point where the monkey's just going
to go fucking ape
shit, no pun intended. And it's just going to do what it's going to start
flying around the fucking
set. And it's something, somebody's going to get jumped. You know, I worked
with a guy who got
fucking attacked by a monkey on a set. There's no fucking way. There is no
fucking way. I remember
a long time ago, we did the, uh, when I did the Opie and Anthony show, right?
Which I'm hoping,
you know, now that Opie's schedule's all freed up now, I'm hoping that maybe,
you know, if guns and roses can get back together, huh? Who knows? Stranger
things have happened.
Um, I was on the Opie and Anthony show and somebody brought in, it was, uh, I
think it was a baby
tiger. And the thing was fucking adorable, but I'll tell you right now, it was
like the size,
it was between a house cat and a Bobcat as far as the size it was.
Nah, I mean, it was kind of like the size of a house cast, but it was fucking
jacked, you know,
it's, it was like a baby bear. Cause it's going to turn into this three, four,
five,
600 pound fucking thing. When it's a baby, it's still like, dude, that thing
could fuck me up.
They're Freddy Krueger paws that those bears have. So they got this fucking, uh,
they bring in this
baby tiger. It's the white one, right? The, the Bill Burr version of the tiger.
And they bring it in.
And I remember Anthony was going out, but Anthony goes, baby animals are
adorable. Like he fucking
loves them. And the fucking thing was the goddamn tiger was not in a good mood.
And it was there
going, Oh, wow. Doing like this baby little fucking roaring. So they go, do you
want to hold that thing?
And I was like, no, I mean, yeah. If you D clot and you fucking duct tape, it's
fucking cute little
mouth shut. Yeah. I, maybe then maybe then I would fuck with it. You know, can
you put some boxing
gloves on all four of its paws? I, I, yeah, then I would do it. Then I would do
it. But I just,
you know, I've gotten scratched by a house cat. It fucking kills. It hurts.
That thing with its baby
lion paw, the fucking thing was the size of like four house cats. Like if you
took all four house
cats paws and you put it together, that was the size of this fucking thing. So
Anthony fucking starts,
you know, playing with the thing. And I remember he ended up getting scratched.
He got scratched on his
neck. And then they told me how to go get a fucking shot. I don't know if he
ever did it.
And, um, yeah, it's weird. Cause there's a white guy. I should be the kind of
guy that goes around
fucking with animals. But, uh, I don't, I do, but I don't, I go to the zoo. I
kind of fuck with them,
but I, I don't know why I just want to see, you know, what it is. I want to see
him do what they do.
I don't want to see him chilling. That's fucking boring to me. I want to see
him kind of flipping out,
you know, like I hate when you finally go see a poisonous snake and it's just
laying there all wound up
like some climbing rope. You know, I want it to be like, you know, like I'll
fucking murder you.
I want to see it do some snake shit. That's the thing. You go to the zoo. It's
like everybody,
it's like, it's like everybody's in a spa or some shit, you know, just chilling
out. Oh God. How
much of Peter people are going to hate me on this one? Talking about shooting
monkeys and comparing
the zoo to a spa. Oh, just to let you know the conditions. I know. I'm just
saying
they're chill or depressed. I don't know what they are, but then they're not
doing anything.
It's just like, yeah, I get it. I can't get out of here. So you know what I
mean?
It'd be like, you know, going to look at like human beings and they're all in
jail. Like,
why would you want to do that? Some guy just fucking sitting there on a cot.
Like, yeah, I'm here for the rest of my life. Say, all right, nice talking to
you. Can you just
move on to the next guy? You don't want to see that, right? You want to go down
to a food court.
You want to watch people free. Like food court is like the Serengeti, you know,
watering hole for
human beings. You just go down there and you look at all the different species
down there,
all interacting, you know, everybody seems to be getting along. Then all of a
sudden somebody comes,
one of those little kids comes by with the wheels on his sneakers and freaks
everybody out. The herd
starts to stampede. Something like that. At least that, maybe that's on black
Friday. I don't know
what happens.