Name: Bill Burr - Massages And Handjobs
Uploaded: 2017-09-01T13:30:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Massages And Handjobs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Massages And Handjobs' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-01. Transcript available.

all right let's read some advertising here okay what do we got here oh jesus
these people are new
soothe do you play sports or work out a lot talk about how sore you can get
from that and how it
can trigger injuries why why isn't this shit ever edited out of the fucking
reading well i played
golf this weekend it's this week it's not really a sport it's an activity i
felt fine after it's
certainly after i sank that 30 footer uh i do work out i up my uh my shoulder
you know yeah it's annoying did i talk about it long enough all right lead into
your personal
endorsement talk about your personal experience with your soothe massage i don't
even know what
it is i haven't i haven't how relaxed you were afterwards how easy it was to
book how excited
you are for the next booking etc all right now now that after they wrote me all
i guess i'm supposed
to look at this before i do this soothe is an on-demand massage service oh jesus
oh jesus okay do you get to see what your masseuse looks like you're swiping
left what's going on here
huh soothe is an on-demand massage service that delivers a hand
selected licensed and experienced massage therapist to you in the comfort of
your own home
hotel or office in as little as an hour soothe shows up i'm sure these people
are above board
but you know there's always a couple of dirty cops out there that'll take bribe
money
soothe is an on demand i already read that um soothe shows up with everything
they bring the massage
table the sheets the oil and even music to drown you out at the end oh so you
can unwind no matter
where you are i'm sorry i'm being really immature really immature this is all
above board there's no
way we would we would do something like that you choose the kind of massage you
want from swedish
and sport to deep tissue and more they're just lobbing this over the net you
can even
opt for couples massages all right here we go getting a little freaky set the
length of your massage
and uh get to also pick the gender of your therapist all right for the homophobes
out there
therapists can earn over three and a half times what they make at a spa while
maintaining incredibly
an incredible schedule flexibility that means you can even book a massage for
10 pm on a wednesday
this also brings the best therapist to the soothe network you can book via the
iphone or android app on
the web soothe is in 50 cities including most major u.s cities and london sydney
melbourne toronto and
vancouver uh book a massage as soon as today our listeners are getting a
special offer that will get
you 20 off your first massage when you use our code bird download soothe s-o-o-t-h-e
or so the
in the ios app store or google play store and be sure to use our code bird to
get 20 off your first
massage soothe spa quality massage anytime anywhere you know if they can legalize
weed why can't they
just legalize a hand job at the end of a massage you know what i mean jesus
christ and just so like
the women wouldn't get all upset because god they should have some for women
too but i'm just saying
like oh my god well it starts with that and then what you're touching her just
have them strap you
down like a lobotomy patient and you know and then that's it then you can't
touch them right
do you know how much more peaceful the world would be if every guy started the
day with the massage and a hand job do you know how much more we would listen
to you
i mean and i don't mean to be a fucking asshole here but ladies we've been
asking you to do this
for us for years and evidently you know after two three months into the
relationship it's outs
it's it's not your pay grade anymore okay and what's funny is you can use the
eyes you
fucking ladies are going to come at me like i'm a fucking animal despite the
fact you know this is
how guys are wired and you use it to your advantage whenever you want to
fucking round a drench you
fucking let the girls out a little bit right you look at somebody just long
enough for them to
fucking throw down their cards you get your drink and then you go oh excuse me
i have a very important
call over this way where that table just opened up um yeah and if elected hand
jobs at the end of
massages would be made legal provided the mail was strapped down by the wrists
um then you could have like an express massage window when you don't have time
for the full body
massage and you just pull up like those drive-through starbucks with like your
dick out and some some
chick just reaches out and fucking rubs one out there you go then you fucking
drive to work
you know of course you're stopping at the yellow light at that point what the
do you care
you know i hope women don't get offended by this i who's kidding who i don't
give a
if you do or not but you know rather than look down at men why don't you
understand
you know and try to have empathy and understand what it is that we're going
through
oh my god that would be tremendous drive-through massage you know what i mean
and then you know this is what would shut it down some dope would also try to
add a coffee machine
to it and eventually someone would spill coffee on their dick and that would be
just a lawsuit that
would take the whole industry down all right i don't know i'm just brainstorming
here all right
me undies me undies why can't you rub one out boo-doo-doo-doo me undies me undies
i'll keep quiet i won't shout
if we can be legal why not hand jobs and when you come in your soft shorts oh jesus
it went off the rails