Name: Bill Burr - Booze Batting Line Up Emails
Uploaded: 2017-09-05T04:25:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Booze Batting Line Up Emails' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Booze Batting Line Up Emails' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

all right booze lineup oh beautiful i was hoping people were going to send
these in
all right i um i talked last week on you know i got back into baseball and uh
that yankees red socks thing's heating up again we better meet in the playoffs
it has to happen
it's been too fucking long um i ended up fucking yankees took three out of four
so i broke even all this shit talking all of this fucking shit talking and it
just we ended up just
being even um but i was talking about you know just watching baseball i did my
booze lineup
of like whiskeys scotches and bourbons all right i don't just do scotches okay
this isn't like the
fucking this isn't mlb when babe ruth played all right this is any anybody can
show up as long as
you're brown now tequila is also welcome um so this would be my lineup uh i
always change the lineup i
would say this week uh johnny walker blue is leading off you got to start with
some strong
shit right pappy van winkle is in second and then i would put uh angels envy at
third
mccallum rare cask rare cask is bat and cleanup all right then i'd have yippee-ki-yay
fifth
and you know once you get to the middle order this is just when i just want to
get
fucked up right those other ones angels envy is also a good one just to get
fucked up on
you know it's not that expensive either then you get to the middle of the order
where it's like i'm
staying at home i'm getting drunk by myself or i'm getting drunk with a friend
of mine that
appreciates good whiskey bourbon or whatever when i get in the middle then it's
like yippee-ki-yay
patrone silver maybe i put grand patrone where i put angels envy that's why i
get that okay grand
patrone hit fucking the third spot then i got yippee-ki-yay then i got fucking
angels envy
and then johnny walker black okay those are the next three so then you got
eight and nine and that's
when you know you just have fucking just people coming over and they just want
to get shit faced
then you just got to go maker's mark or fucking uh jack daniels you know and
then if you just have
a complete fucking shithead you just give them red label fucking johnny walker
all right so here's
this person's booze lineup all right he goes i love your idea about doing a booze
alcohol battling
lineup here's my submission leading off kentucky tavern i'd never heard of this
this is what i love it's
gonna give me new shit to try dependable a little rough around the edges but
you know this guy's
gonna get on base at a 400 clip even if he has to lean into one every now and
then i love that this
person broke it all down then give me your scouting reports too when you send
these in batting second
hornitos what the fuck is that hornitos uh can be streaky at times but still
has a little bit of a pop
if you mix it with grapefruit soda dude you're in your second guy you're
already mixing it with
something all right oh shit hang on a second speaking of that
some josh just asked me if i had the soda no i don't i gotta do a voice text
here
get the fanta orange
with the mexican sugar
there you go all right that's right when i'm fucking not boozing i actually
drink fanta orange
soda it's kind of nice because it's really sweet and then you got the smoke you
know it's not redundant
remember big night when that lady got the pasta and then she also ordered
mashed potatoes and the guy
wouldn't do it because it was too starches you know why would you have a cigar
and then drink something
really peaty it's like fucking redundant you want some a sweet kind of alcohol
um
fucking with you i'm not actually i do okay so batting third this guy has
bullet
this is your franchise player he makes everyone around him a little better
plus he's going to give you a team-friendly long-term contract that won't have
you paying luxury taxes dude this guy's great you know he took a funny idea now
he's taking it to an even funnier level
all i did was just get i gotta break down each player now all right batting
cleanup knob creek
he goes can you tell i'm a bourbon drinker i can never keep him straight he
goes bottom line is
if there's any ducks left on the pond this guy is there to deliver the knockout
punch
i gotta tell you the way he's describing this lineup he's definitely making the
playoffs
if not fucking winning the pennant
um batting fifth smirnoff vodka
okay definitely nothing to write home about but when surrounded with the right
personnel there's
always potential for magic you know what my vodka is my go-to vodka i like belvedere
oh belvedere
come here boy i like that better than gray goose gray goose is just like that's
like soft rock like easy
listening you know what i mean i like belvedere it's got a little more of a
fucking bite to it but i don't
know much about vodkas either uh batting six johnny walker black now you might
be uh now might be a good
time to mention i'm in my early 30s because this guy is a september call-up you're
not quite ready
to add him to your 40-man roster just yet but he's for a cup of but he's up for
a cup of coffee because
you know he's going to be an important part of your future yeah maybe you can
get on base and steal
second all right batting seventh oh jesus dude this is unforgivable if you're
in your 30s
this is unforgivable and i respect you that you can still drink this
jagermeister wow wow you often find yourself wondering why this guy is even
still around
and yet you feel you can remember you wait and yet you can you feel like you
can remember a time when
he was actually pretty good yeah he's like the fucking uh one of those guys we
had just like you
know like vince carter still play that's not fair to vince carter because vince
carter was one of the
greatest fucking you know i i think the best dunker of all fucking time high
certainly the highest jumper
i i apologize i shouldn't have said vince carter was the first guy i thought of
he's like a
yeah do you remember when you remember when like giambi was playing on the
colorado rockies
it's like one of those deals all right captain morgan batting eighth definitely
a role player
this this that's like your catcher this guy could be a superstar but he's got a
bit of a sweet tooth
and always shows up to spring training 20 pounds overweight oh he's the panda
still you know he's
good for a sack fly in a key situation yeah one of these guys just has to you're
out there for defense
you know he's not hitting for average all right batting ninth wild turkey
american honey and he
writes oh jesus uh you ask him to lay down a bunt and you just know he's going
to hit into an inning
ending double play every damn time uh by the way if it's if it's a close one i'm
putting in buffalo
trace in place of jaeger as a defensive substitution dude this guy's brilliant
uh so that's my lineup
thanks for the idea i enjoyed putting this together even if you don't read it
no dude i love that
you broke it all down all right here's another guy's lineup all right his
whiskey lineup bullet
eagle rare batting third mccallon 12 batting fourth angels envy cask strength i
never had that dh
uh i might fuck up some of the names of these uh bal balveni 12 years single
malt glenn levitt french
oak i can't deal with the florals i don't like the florals i like more the peaty
thing like glenn
levitt's i never been able to uh quite handle those but i respect them they're
uh definitely
in the hall of fame of booze um
oh fuck he's gonna stop by a taco
oh jesus christ what is he talking about no fuck he's gonna stop by a taco
truck to get the fucking
booze no no no no no no the soda i mean hang on let me hit pause and straighten
this out
all right i'm back so anyways uh glenn levitt french oak
sixth number seven willie pot still reserve never heard of that one number
eight jefferson's
ocean aged at sea jesus sounds like low tide shit to me number nine hudson bay
starting pitcher is blends oh i forgot to do a starting pitcher middle reliever
uh giving you a a reliable couple innings makers 46 closer is elijah craig
barrel proof dude i love
everybody going with the starting pitchers then you got to have your middle
relief actually had middle
relief oh my god dude this is this is endless and then you know so you're going
to get some real
big time booze hounds that nine you know positions in the batting lineup are
not going to be enough
they're gonna have to go they're gonna have to like i don't know do like a
football team 11 offensive
players this isn't fair to people over in europe go ahead give me your fucking
lineups uh and use
all the fucking soccer terminology maybe i'll learn something all right here's
another not last booze
lineup here dear billy no fun no fuss no must no brainer in answer to your
request for our batting
lineups of booze i'm not much of a drinker anymore so i'll go the other way and
do my recreational
drug lineup i love it i love it you guys are taking this idea and running with
it this is tremendous
all right number one weed number two black hash preferably from nepal number
three magic mushrooms
batting cleanup lsd preferably purple owsley never tried it but according to
ken casey it was the best
number five ecstasy pure and uncut number six ketamine i don't want this number
seven cocaine
pure and uncut cocaine pure and uncut should be fucking that sounds like a
speedster man get him
on base he fucking steals second then you have lsd fucking bring him home with
a single to right
i don't know running on a full count you're not going to catch that guy you
might score from first
all right number eight peyote peyote number nine mescaline pure and uncut
so