Name: Bill Burr - The South | Russians | College Football
Uploaded: 2017-09-11T09:52:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The South | Russians | College Football' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The South | Russians | College Football' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-11. Transcript available.

But let's get down. Let's talk about going down south now that the Patriots
season is evidently over and Tom Brady is over the hill.
So we did the the Horseshoe Casino in Mississippi. I had so much fucking fun
doing that.
Although it was just a part of the South, man, that was just deep, deep, deep,
deep South, deep South.
Hang a fucking right. Don't stop in Alabama. Keep going. Stop right before you
get to fucking Louisiana.
And it was just it was I don't know the pace of the people down there was
driving me fucking nuts.
You know, I ordered room service twice. I kept ordering water and they just
wouldn't bring it up to me.
So the second time I said, did you where's the glass? Is there a glass of water?
And she's like, well, no, try.
And I'm like, and that's what's on the tray. It's just fucking walks out.
There's no. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll go get you some. It's like it wasn't on the
tray.
So then I go to use it like nothing fucking worked. I go to use the fucking
ironing board.
The ironing board was fucked up. I was trying to make it stand up. It wouldn't
stand up.
I had to bend the piece back. It wouldn't. And then I finally just had a
fucking meltdown and I'm admitting this to the casino.
I jumped up and down on it and then I pulled the shark nose back.
I felt bad afterwards and I tried to bend it back, but it's all fucked up.
If you wonder why it's fucked up, I finished it off. It was already fucked up.
So if you want to send me a bill, I apologize. And then the next day, me, Dean
and Bartnick drove over into Tuscaloosa to go on.
We went to go see Alabama versus Fresno State. We had a great fucking time.
We met some people there, some friends of mine, and they hooked us up.
We were in this fucking skybox. No sunburn.
You know, it was a cupcake game. Who's kidding who?
Against Fresno State. It was a day game.
It's like I went, but I have to go back there again.
I want to go there a night game when they play like Texas A&M, Mississippi, or
fucking, you know, anybody.
Like LSU or some shit like that.
I want to go back for that and I want to sit in the fucking crowd the next time.
This was like, it was too nice. It was awesome. I had a great time.
But it was like, I didn't get to feel the crowd a little bit.
Which was perfect because I had a show that night, so I didn't drink.
I'm still not drinking and I didn't get a sunburn.
So it worked out for me, but I feel like I kind of went to a preseason game.
So we're walking out of there.
And fucking Joe Bartnick somehow found the one Russian guy in Alabama.
And shit escalated quickly.
You know, Bartnick walks up to the guy, the guy, I don't know how they got into
a conversation.
The guy said he was, somehow he said he, he always heard us talking.
He said something to us. We're waiting for the elevator.
The guy said that he was Russian.
So Bartnick's a huge Penguins fan.
And he goes, oh, he's like, oh, you're Russian.
He goes, hey, you know, he's like, Gino Malkin, Evgeny Malkin, right?
Hey, you like Malkin?
The guy's like, nah, nah.
He's like, I like, he's like, I like Ovechkin.
And then he goes, you like a big shit.
And then he gets right in the guy's face and he goes, zero cups, zero cups.
He's like Ovechkin.
He goes and starts doing the choking thing, right?
Joe had had a couple of sarsaparillas.
Who's kidding who, right?
So they fucking start going back and forth and Joe keeps giving him shit.
The guy's going, oh, come on, man.
It's a team game.
And he goes, hey, he's got zero cups.
How can you like zero cups?
Zero cups.
Keeps acting like the guy's choking on a fucking dick.
And the Russian guy's getting mad.
Joe's fucking around.
He's not seeing it.
And the fucking elevator cannot come fast enough because it looks like it's
going to escalate into a fight, which, you know.
Joe Bartnick and this Russian guy was actually taller than Joe, but he was skinnier.
But, you know, he's also Russian.
You know what I mean?
So, you know, you know, it's fucking people.
They'd be they'd be they fucking bitch slapped Hitler all the way back to
fucking Berlin.
You know, let people out of prisons and say, hey, remember what we threw you in
there for?
Why don't you come out and go do that to people who look like this?
And that's what they did.
Half of them were in bare feet.
I mean, I know it's a legend at this point, but it's pretty much fucking true.
So now I'm concerned because they're both Joe's like whatever, six, four.
This guy's like six, five.
And I kept going, Joe, hey, man.
Hey, Joe, take it easy.
He just kept going.
Hey, guys, got no cops.
Hey, wait, come on.
He's a chopper.
He just kept doing it.
And then he's laughing at the guy.
And I don't know.
He just wasn't seeing the guy getting mad.
So the guy goes, hey, why don't we go around the corner?
Joe's like, hey, let's go around the corner.
And they walk around the corner.
I'm like, are they going to go fight?
And then there was this awkward little moment between them and me and Dean are
stone sober.
Like, what the fuck?
So finally, I just go to my buddy.
I go, is there some stairs we can take?
Because the elevator was taken forever.
And he goes, yeah.
I go, yeah, we can take the stairs.
So we go to take the stairs and we're going to walk out.
And the Russian guy's like, I would take the stairs too.
And now they're walking down the stairs and it's just like, I couldn't separate
them.
I couldn't get them separated.
And I don't know what happened.
By the end of it, they were like best of friends, ready to go drink some
fucking vodka.
We actually left the game halfway through the fourth quarter because we had to
go do our show.
But we wanted to go around and get a picture in front of the Bear Bryant statue.
And we actually got one in front of the Nick Saban one.
There's one other guy that nobody, everybody always forgets.
He's only won one championship, but it was pretty fucking amazing to go.
I'm telling you, if you, if you get a fucking chance, man, everybody wants to
go to the ballparks,
all the baseball parks or go to a fucking Lambeau field and that type of shit,
which I understand.
But, you know, all you guys who live in pro football cities and, and, you know,
New York,
Chicago, all that pro shit, Boston, don't sleep on going to big time college
football, man.
I'm telling you, SEC, big 10, you got to go to the university of Michigan.
You got to go to a horseshoe in Ohio state.
You got to go to one of them.
You just have to experience a hundred thousand fucking people going absolutely
fucking nuts.
Pick a good rivalry game.
Go on fucking stub hub, pay through the nose, go out there, get fucking hammered,
go to the game.
And then please tell me what you see in the NFL.
Well, cause I don't think the NFL can near nearly touches the excitement.
Although haven't said that, how great is it that it's fucking football season?
And this is what always happened.
Football season goes by like the summer.
You know what I mean?
Like every year in the summer, I'm like, okay, it's may we're going into may.
I'm really going to pay attention and try to enjoy and remember like, Hey, it's
this summer.
We're in the summer.
Let's fucking enjoy this shit.
I still feel that way.
Even though I live out in LA where it's summer all the fucking time.
Right.
Um, and every, every fucking year, all of a sudden it's just like September.
Right.
And football season's the same thing.
You're like, Oh my God, fucking football season.
It's fucking great.
Then all of a sudden it's like, it's the playoffs and you're so focused on the
playoffs playoffs
that all of a sudden, like it's that week between the championship game and the
Super
Bowl.
And you're like, what the fuck happened?
You're so busy putting money on the games and betting on the fucking games.
You don't realize not only is there only one, two teams left.
There's only one game left.
And then, then we're fucked.
Then we're fucked.
And then the panic starts to set.
And then you think, well, at least I got March madness, right?
At least I got March madness.
And then I got the, the hockey and the basketball playoffs.
And then there's just, it's just, you know what it really is.
It's just July.
It's that one panic of July and into August, the dog days of baseball that you
have to
fucking deal with.
That's how I ended up getting into fucking, I think formula one and all that
shit just
to cover that.
And then I totally got into it.
I don't know.
I feel like I've been talking in circles for like fucking 25 minutes.
What is this?
How many, how many awful minutes has this been?
26.
See that you comedian long enough.
You can, you can, you can, you can sense time.
I had this feeling that I'd been bombing for 26 fucking minutes.
So congratulations to everybody's team who won this week, including the chiefs.
I'm not a cunt.
And everybody who lost it's only, you know, it's just one week fucking relax.