Name: Bill Burr - Pharmacist | Pharmaceutical Companies | Opioids
Uploaded: 2017-09-22T13:53:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Pharmacist | Pharmaceutical Companies | Opioids' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Pharmacist | Pharmaceutical Companies | Opioids' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-22. Transcript available.

So anyways, I've been talking to some people recently and, you know, I've
always just joked
around about pharmaceutical companies.
I keep hearing this rumor that they started, you know, this fucking heroin
epidemic and
everything.
And I just found out, you know, someone from like the town I grew up in, 23
years old,
just fucking died of a heroin overdose.
I grew up in fucking Mayberry.
And someone was talking about like basically all these fucking things, Oxy, Percocet,
all
of that shit.
It has the exact same fucking addictive qualities, chemical makeup.
All of that shit is heroin.
It's just like a synthetic heroin and a difference between an opiate and an
opioid and opiate is
natural.
Like those poppy fucking things you always see in those Chuck Norris movies,
right?
And then the poppy seeds there.
And then in a opiate is just like manufactured nerds, nerds.
You fucking go into the doctor like me.
I fucked up my calf.
This fucking guy goes, all right, I'm going to give you a painkiller and I'm
going to give
you an anti-inflammatory.
So I go to the fucking pharmaceutical.
Pharmacists are fucking hilarious.
The fact that they get to dress up like they're doctors is one of the funniest
fucking things.
It's like, what are you doing in there?
It's like you're basically working the Starbucks of the medical field.
You know, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing back?
You should get me a cup of coffee with my fucking pills.
They always act like they're so goddamn, you know, just under the gun.
You're back there.
You're counting aspirin.
I got, you know, what in the way, you know what the fucking worst thing is, is
when somebody
like, it's like running, there's nothing, people think cops are bad.
The worst thing, you want to have fucking attitude, get a rent a cop.
Because in the back of his head, he knows he's not a real cop.
So now he's got something to prove a cop's a cop.
You know what I mean?
So he knows he's, you know, he's got a gun.
He's got a fucking license to kill here.
I'll stick this right in the back of your fucking mouth and I'll pull the
trigger and
go down and go to your sandwich and not even think about it.
Right?
Fucking rental cop.
What does he got?
Maybe he has a taser.
He's got a little fucking stick.
So he's got to be some cunt running around taking some little fucking kid's
skateboard away.
Right?
They dabble in that shit.
It's always that type of shit.
You know what I mean?
It's like if you're going to get a threesome, right?
There's always the beautiful girl and then the other one who's fucking annoying,
who's
got to start running a yap.
Even if she is beautiful, she knows she's not as good looking as the other one.
That brings up the insecurity.
And then she won't shut the fuck up.
She tries to be funny or something like that.
A stupid sloppy tits hanging out.
It's like, what are you doing?
I don't care how fucking ugly you are.
You don't think I'm going to work my way through you to get to her?
Just shut up.
I don't know what the fuck this has to do with pharmaceutical companies.
Okay?
But I know when I went to this pharmacy with my calf problem.
All right?
I was supposed to get, he said a painkiller.
I'm like, well, I'm not fucking with those.
I'm not fucking with those.
I'm not getting heroin in a fucking synthetic form and start taking, look how I
handle booze,
people.
Or I should say, look how booze handled me.
Okay?
It was like Triple G walking down Alvarez the other day.
That's what fucking booze does to me.
I'm backing up the whole fucking fight.
Every once in a while I plant and I fucking throw a couple combinations.
You know what the bottle does?
It eats it up.
It eats it up, right?
But my wife's sitting there going, you're not an alcoholic.
Has me winning 118, 110.
Figure that one out.
So I fucking go in to CVS, right?
Which is a great place.
If you need to buy somebody a car, you know, get a gallon of root beer and get
some fucking
heroin, right?
Maybe some shit.
Fucking, I don't know.
Shaving cream or some shit, right?
So the fucking, you know, rent a fucking doctor guy behind there.
He fucking, you know, it's, you know, it's going to be like 20 minutes.
So it's going to be like 20 minutes.
All right.
Okay.
Whatever.
I get it.
There's a lot of different colored pills back there.
You got to look at your pill chart to see which color.
The blue ones are for boys and the red ones are for old people.
Whatever that science is.
They're back there acting like they make the pills.
I need to shut the fuck up about pharmacists.
I got to read up on them here.
Let me finish selling this story.
So the guy finally comes back, right?
I'm standing behind all these cute fucking old people.
You know what I mean?
The poor fucking people with all their goddamn pills for their ailments and
shit.
And he gives me two vials.
And I go, okay, what's this one?
He goes, those are the pain, painkillers.
And I'm like, all right, well, I'm not messing with that.
And I go, what are these?
And he goes, those are more pain pills.
And I'm like, well, what about the anti-inflammatory?
He goes, oh, it's in these painkillers.
And it's just like, I don't want that.
I just want the anti-inflammatory.
But you know what it is?
It's these fucking drug companies.
They're drug dealers.
So they want to get me hooked.
So you want the anti-inflammatory.
You got to do a little fucking synthetic heroin with it.
Okay, now I'm basing all of this on my own fucking paranoia and like two
conversations I've had over the last 48 hours.
Okay.
And now I'm in my fucking house, like in that movie, Beautiful Mind.
I'm taking fucking, I'm cutting out headlines from papers that I don't read.
And I'm linking it all together.
I'm presenting it as fact to you.
Okay.
Pharmacists.
What do they do?
All right.
They advise physicians and other health practitioners on the selections, dosage,
interactions, and side effects of medication.
They also plan and monitor drug programs or regiments.
Pharmacists counsel hospitalized patients on the use of drugs and on their use
at home when the patients are discharged.
Yeah, you mean at the back of the CVS.
Okay, take two of these twice a day.
Take one on the third day and then flush the rest of it, right?
Pharmacists.
Level of education.
Dude, everything just pops up.
Like I wrote what and then it immediately popped up.
Do they do?
I said level and immediately of education immediately popped up.
Doctoral or professional degree.
All right.
Here's what you got to do.
There's no way.
This is no, no, this can't be more than a two-year fucking program.
Okay, here you go.
Here's a video on how to be a fucking pharmacist.
It's a fucking cartoon character in a pharmacist, in a pharmacy.
Educational requirements and career center.
Becoming a pharmacist requires a significant amount of formal education.
Get the fuck out of here.
Learn about education, job duties, and training to see if this is the right
career for you.
Okay, find the perfect school.
Okay, doctor of pharmacy.
Degree fields.
Non-specified.
Two years of undergraduate study.
I got four.
Is required to apply for pharmacy school.
Okay, license required in all states.
I got one of those to sell health insurance.
That's not impressive.
You take a test and then you're licensed.
Experience clerkship, residencies, fellowships.
This is bullshit.
Key skills.
Attention to detail.
Oh, did I say four Percocet?
I meant one.
An extensive knowledge of drugs and interactions.
Okay, there you go.
I'll give you that one.
Research, communication, interpersonal, and customer service skills.
Job outlook, 3% growth.
Medium annual salary.
$121,500.
Give it up for the pharmacist.
Jesus, no wonder their lab coats are so goddamn clean, huh?
Back there raking in the fucking money.
I'll tell you, if you start selling some of those drugs on the side to the
people you get
addictive in the front, you know, I'm just saying, you can get those fake tits
there, sweetheart.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm just trying to fill up this fucking half hour because I have no fucking
time.
I have no time in my life anymore.
You know what I mean?
I don't.
I need a pharmacist in my fucking life.
You know why I don't take pills aside from the fact that I don't want to get
addicted
is, uh, what I like about drinking is I enjoy the effort it takes to get the
buzz.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't like, uh, like weed just seems so easy.
Especially now with all these fucking vaporizers and stuff.
All you inhale, you're doing that anyways.
Then you just sit there and all of a sudden, like, but fucking drinking, you
gotta drink it.
If you're gonna get shit-faced just drinking beer, that's a lot of goddamn work.
You gotta drink at least six of them if you're lightweight.
Upwards of fucking, you know, I don't know, 36 to 40 depending on, how about
you, Drake?
So anyways, look at this shit.
So I went to this, um, this website.
And it was like, what is the difference between heroin and Percocet?
And this is like fucking nuts.
This is like people who were like on these drugs talking in this, this chat
room.
Like, what is the difference?
Someone told me I should buy some versus buying 30 milligrams of oxycodone
because it should be a lot cheaper.
So what are your opinions?
Somebody basically told this person who's addicted to this fucking oxy that he
should now get heroin.
So this guy just, this is just like, like they're talking about cars or some
shit.
This person says, well, they are both strong narcotics.
Heroin is an opiate and oxycodone is an opiate, which is basically in layman
terms, opiodes are synthetics and opiates occur naturally in the opium poppy.
In my opinion, heroin is stronger, but then that's countered by the fact that
you'll never know street heroin's purity.
And you always know what's in an oxy, am I saying that right?
Oxycodone tablet.
If you buy 30 milligram, a 30 milligram tablet, you know how strong it is.
Heroin purity can go up and down and they cut it with all kinds of shit.
These are fucking people doing hard drugs.
First of all, I got to give it up that they can still fucking have the sense to
go into a chat room.
And compare fucking notes.
So there's a lot of people talking about this, but not in, not on CNN, on, on
Fox news or any of those other fucking so-called news channels where they're
all bought and paid for.
And they're not going to do this fucking story because, you know, these same
companies that got everybody, allegedly got everybody addicted are advertising
on their fucking channels.
So Ohio is suing drug companies over their role in creating an opioid epidemic,
which has led to an opiate epidemic.
Because after a while they won't fill your fucking prescription.
So NPR's Robert Siegel talks with Ohio Attorney General.
Let me just get to the bullshit here.
The state of Ohio figures it's home to 200,000 opioid addicts.
That's the equivalent of the population of Akron.
Overdoses are so common.
The morgues in some Ohio counties lack for space.
Today's Ohio, uh, today, Ohio's attorney general announced he's bringing a suit
against five drug manufacturers, accusing them of misrepresenting the risk of
prescription opioids and helping to fuel an addiction epidemic in this state.
Yeah, like, these people are, like, murdering people.
If what they're saying is true, that's what the fuck they're doing.
And these fucking cunts, these corporate cunts, they go to bed fucking silk
pajamas, indoor and outdoor pool as everybody's fucking dying.
I don't know.
The, uh, population control person in me, sort of like, I'm on both sides of
this thing.
It's like, this is fucking terrible to do to people.
Then it's also like, well, there's too many people on the planet.
So thank God these fucking psychos are killing people so they can get a bigger
house.
I heard the, like, you know, any doctors listen to this shit anonymously want
to write in?
I mean, I heard, like, they have, like, these pharmaceutical companies.
They hire these hot chicks to walk around to bring in the new drugs, wearing,
like, fuck me pumps and stuff.
Is that true, or was I half asleep watching some Red Shoe Diary one night?
I thought it was in this industry.
I have no idea.
So the state attorney general, Mike DeWine, or DeWine, as he's known around the
way, joins us now from Columbus.
Welcome to the program once again.
Oh, fuck, this is the, uh, somebody's, who the fuck would read this?
Is this for, like, deaf people who can't hear NPR?
Mike DeWine, good to be back.
Thank you very much.
Siegel.
And first, tell us, which companies have you named in the suit?
We have sued the following companies.
Purdue Pharma, Endo Health Solutions, Janssen or Janssen's Pharmaceuticals, Cephalon,
and then Allergen.
Why the fuck, why wouldn't you just summarize all of this?
Oh, I guess I can hit play.
It's a five-minute interview.
I don't have time for that shit.
U.S.
U.S.
officials are starting to treat opioid companies like Big Tobacco about time.
And Ohio City is suing pharmaceuticals.
Don't vilify drug companies, says CVS.
Really?
Oh, Jesus.
How bought and paid for are these fuckers?
Well, you know what, why don't I hear their opinion first?
Only America would vilify the people that invented Viagra.
That's what happened.
That's what's happening.
Parentheses, sort of.
They just bought back everything they just said.
This week is the FDA holds very public hearings on the potential health risks
of popular prescription pain medication, such as Cox 2 inhibitors.
Pfizer, the company that makes one of those medicines, Celebrex is also the
company that brought you and yours Viagra.
Drug companies, big farmers are the villains of medicine and health care, at
least according to much media.
Who the fuck wrote this horse shit?
This is by, I swear to God, Booty Cosgrove Mather.
All right.
I don't understand how you can be anywhere in journalism with the first name Booty.
All right.
Have I have I made enough of an ass of myself talking about this shit?
You know, I love about this country is whores can give press conferences.
All right.
Let's do some.
All right.
Let me do a little advertising here.
OK, people, I want you guys all to have a wonderful weekend.
I want you to get on your knees and give thanks that you don't live in the
Caribbean with all them tornadoes coming.
Why do I say tornadoes?
Hurricanes coming.
Everybody in Puerto Rico, I hope you make it out all right.
I just saw it was coming yesterday, man.
It's fucking brutal, man.
It's really brutal.
The same way they're going after these pharmaceutical companies for the, you
know.
The opioids, opiates, opiates, the Indochinos, right?
They should go after fucking fossil fuel companies.
At some point, that's going to fucking happen, you know.
But you can never get the people that made the decision because what you're
doing is you're suing a corporation, which is nameless and faceless.
And then all those people who made those fucking decisions collectively, turn
your key.
They all turned their fucking key.
I was following orders.
All of those fucking cunts.
When you go to sue the company are completely insulated and they will be giving
themselves raises with their blood money.
And then when they go to fucking attack the company, everybody just fucking
walks away.
It's like, well, I work there.
I'm not, you know, I'm not the corporation.
Am I still talking?
I'm sorry.
I got to go to fucking bed.
All right.

Bill Burr - Pharmacist | Pharmaceutical Companies | Opioids

So anyways, I've been talking to some people recently and, you know, I've
always just joked
around about pharmaceutical companies.
I keep hearing this rumor that they started, you know, this fucking heroin
epidemic and
everything.
And I just found out, you know, someone from like the town I grew up in, 23
years old,
just fucking died of a heroin overdose.
I grew up in fucking Mayberry.
And someone was talking about like basically all these fucking things, Oxy, Percocet,
all
of that shit.
It has the exact same fucking addictive qualities, chemical makeup.
All of that shit is heroin.
It's just like a synthetic heroin and a difference between an opiate and an
opioid and opiate is
natural.
Like those poppy fucking things you always see in those Chuck Norris movies,
right?
And then the poppy seeds there.
And then in a opiate is just like manufactured nerds, nerds.
You fucking go into the doctor like me.
I fucked up my calf.
This fucking guy goes, all right, I'm going to give you a painkiller and I'm
going to give
you an anti-inflammatory.
So I go to the fucking pharmaceutical.
Pharmacists are fucking hilarious.
The fact that they get to dress up like they're doctors is one of the funniest
fucking things.
It's like, what are you doing in there?
It's like you're basically working the Starbucks of the medical field.
You know, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing back?
You should get me a cup of coffee with my fucking pills.
They always act like they're so goddamn, you know, just under the gun.
You're back there.
You're counting aspirin.
I got, you know, what in the way, you know what the fucking worst thing is, is
when somebody
like, it's like running, there's nothing, people think cops are bad.
The worst thing, you want to have fucking attitude, get a rent a cop.
Because in the back of his head, he knows he's not a real cop.
So now he's got something to prove a cop's a cop.
You know what I mean?
So he knows he's, you know, he's got a gun.
He's got a fucking license to kill here.
I'll stick this right in the back of your fucking mouth and I'll pull the
trigger and
go down and go to your sandwich and not even think about it.
Right?
Fucking rental cop.
What does he got?
Maybe he has a taser.
He's got a little fucking stick.
So he's got to be some cunt running around taking some little fucking kid's
skateboard away.
Right?
They dabble in that shit.
It's always that type of shit.
You know what I mean?
It's like if you're going to get a threesome, right?
There's always the beautiful girl and then the other one who's fucking annoying,
who's
got to start running a yap.
Even if she is beautiful, she knows she's not as good looking as the other one.
That brings up the insecurity.
And then she won't shut the fuck up.
She tries to be funny or something like that.
A stupid sloppy tits hanging out.
It's like, what are you doing?
I don't care how fucking ugly you are.
You don't think I'm going to work my way through you to get to her?
Just shut up.
I don't know what the fuck this has to do with pharmaceutical companies.
Okay?
But I know when I went to this pharmacy with my calf problem.
All right?
I was supposed to get, he said a painkiller.
I'm like, well, I'm not fucking with those.
I'm not fucking with those.
I'm not getting heroin in a fucking synthetic form and start taking, look how I
handle booze,
people.
Or I should say, look how booze handled me.
Okay?
It was like Triple G walking down Alvarez the other day.
That's what fucking booze does to me.
I'm backing up the whole fucking fight.
Every once in a while I plant and I fucking throw a couple combinations.
You know what the bottle does?
It eats it up.
It eats it up, right?
But my wife's sitting there going, you're not an alcoholic.
Has me winning 118, 110.
Figure that one out.
So I fucking go in to CVS, right?
Which is a great place.
If you need to buy somebody a car, you know, get a gallon of root beer and get
some fucking
heroin, right?
Maybe some shit.
Fucking, I don't know.
Shaving cream or some shit, right?
So the fucking, you know, rent a fucking doctor guy behind there.
He fucking, you know, it's, you know, it's going to be like 20 minutes.
So it's going to be like 20 minutes.
All right.
Okay.
Whatever.
I get it.
There's a lot of different colored pills back there.
You got to look at your pill chart to see which color.
The blue ones are for boys and the red ones are for old people.
Whatever that science is.
They're back there acting like they make the pills.
I need to shut the fuck up about pharmacists.
I got to read up on them here.
Let me finish selling this story.
So the guy finally comes back, right?
I'm standing behind all these cute fucking old people.
You know what I mean?
The poor fucking people with all their goddamn pills for their ailments and
shit.
And he gives me two vials.
And I go, okay, what's this one?
He goes, those are the pain, painkillers.
And I'm like, all right, well, I'm not messing with that.
And I go, what are these?
And he goes, those are more pain pills.
And I'm like, well, what about the anti-inflammatory?
He goes, oh, it's in these painkillers.
And it's just like, I don't want that.
I just want the anti-inflammatory.
But you know what it is?
It's these fucking drug companies.
They're drug dealers.
So they want to get me hooked.
So you want the anti-inflammatory.
You got to do a little fucking synthetic heroin with it.
Okay, now I'm basing all of this on my own fucking paranoia and like two
conversations I've had over the last 48 hours.
Okay.
And now I'm in my fucking house, like in that movie, Beautiful Mind.
I'm taking fucking, I'm cutting out headlines from papers that I don't read.
And I'm linking it all together.
I'm presenting it as fact to you.
Okay.
Pharmacists.
What do they do?
All right.
They advise physicians and other health practitioners on the selections, dosage,
interactions, and side effects of medication.
They also plan and monitor drug programs or regiments.
Pharmacists counsel hospitalized patients on the use of drugs and on their use
at home when the patients are discharged.
Yeah, you mean at the back of the CVS.
Okay, take two of these twice a day.
Take one on the third day and then flush the rest of it, right?
Pharmacists.
Level of education.
Dude, everything just pops up.
Like I wrote what and then it immediately popped up.
Do they do?
I said level and immediately of education immediately popped up.
Doctoral or professional degree.
All right.
Here's what you got to do.
There's no way.
This is no, no, this can't be more than a two-year fucking program.
Okay, here you go.
Here's a video on how to be a fucking pharmacist.
It's a fucking cartoon character in a pharmacist, in a pharmacy.
Educational requirements and career center.
Becoming a pharmacist requires a significant amount of formal education.
Get the fuck out of here.
Learn about education, job duties, and training to see if this is the right
career for you.
Okay, find the perfect school.
Okay, doctor of pharmacy.
Degree fields.
Non-specified.
Two years of undergraduate study.
I got four.
Is required to apply for pharmacy school.
Okay, license required in all states.
I got one of those to sell health insurance.
That's not impressive.
You take a test and then you're licensed.
Experience clerkship, residencies, fellowships.
This is bullshit.
Key skills.
Attention to detail.
Oh, did I say four Percocet?
I meant one.
An extensive knowledge of drugs and interactions.
Okay, there you go.
I'll give you that one.
Research, communication, interpersonal, and customer service skills.
Job outlook, 3% growth.
Medium annual salary.
$121,500.
Give it up for the pharmacist.
Jesus, no wonder their lab coats are so goddamn clean, huh?
Back there raking in the fucking money.
I'll tell you, if you start selling some of those drugs on the side to the
people you get
addictive in the front, you know, I'm just saying, you can get those fake tits
there, sweetheart.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm just trying to fill up this fucking half hour because I have no fucking
time.
I have no time in my life anymore.
You know what I mean?
I don't.
I need a pharmacist in my fucking life.
You know why I don't take pills aside from the fact that I don't want to get
addicted
is, uh, what I like about drinking is I enjoy the effort it takes to get the
buzz.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't like, uh, like weed just seems so easy.
Especially now with all these fucking vaporizers and stuff.
All you inhale, you're doing that anyways.
Then you just sit there and all of a sudden, like, but fucking drinking, you
gotta drink it.
If you're gonna get shit-faced just drinking beer, that's a lot of goddamn work.
You gotta drink at least six of them if you're lightweight.
Upwards of fucking, you know, I don't know, 36 to 40 depending on, how about
you, Drake?
So anyways, look at this shit.
So I went to this, um, this website.
And it was like, what is the difference between heroin and Percocet?
And this is like fucking nuts.
This is like people who were like on these drugs talking in this, this chat
room.
Like, what is the difference?
Someone told me I should buy some versus buying 30 milligrams of oxycodone
because it should be a lot cheaper.
So what are your opinions?
Somebody basically told this person who's addicted to this fucking oxy that he
should now get heroin.
So this guy just, this is just like, like they're talking about cars or some
shit.
This person says, well, they are both strong narcotics.
Heroin is an opiate and oxycodone is an opiate, which is basically in layman
terms, opiodes are synthetics and opiates occur naturally in the opium poppy.
In my opinion, heroin is stronger, but then that's countered by the fact that
you'll never know street heroin's purity.
And you always know what's in an oxy, am I saying that right?
Oxycodone tablet.
If you buy 30 milligram, a 30 milligram tablet, you know how strong it is.
Heroin purity can go up and down and they cut it with all kinds of shit.
These are fucking people doing hard drugs.
First of all, I got to give it up that they can still fucking have the sense to
go into a chat room.
And compare fucking notes.
So there's a lot of people talking about this, but not in, not on CNN, on, on
Fox news or any of those other fucking so-called news channels where they're
all bought and paid for.
And they're not going to do this fucking story because, you know, these same
companies that got everybody, allegedly got everybody addicted are advertising
on their fucking channels.
So Ohio is suing drug companies over their role in creating an opioid epidemic,
which has led to an opiate epidemic.
Because after a while they won't fill your fucking prescription.
So NPR's Robert Siegel talks with Ohio Attorney General.
Let me just get to the bullshit here.
The state of Ohio figures it's home to 200,000 opioid addicts.
That's the equivalent of the population of Akron.
Overdoses are so common.
The morgues in some Ohio counties lack for space.
Today's Ohio, uh, today, Ohio's attorney general announced he's bringing a suit
against five drug manufacturers, accusing them of misrepresenting the risk of
prescription opioids and helping to fuel an addiction epidemic in this state.
Yeah, like, these people are, like, murdering people.
If what they're saying is true, that's what the fuck they're doing.
And these fucking cunts, these corporate cunts, they go to bed fucking silk
pajamas, indoor and outdoor pool as everybody's fucking dying.
I don't know.
The, uh, population control person in me, sort of like, I'm on both sides of
this thing.
It's like, this is fucking terrible to do to people.
Then it's also like, well, there's too many people on the planet.
So thank God these fucking psychos are killing people so they can get a bigger
house.
I heard the, like, you know, any doctors listen to this shit anonymously want
to write in?
I mean, I heard, like, they have, like, these pharmaceutical companies.
They hire these hot ch