Name: Bill Burr - Bill's Light Overhaul On His Body
Uploaded: 2017-12-08T18:02:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill's Light Overhaul On His Body' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bill's Light Overhaul On His Body' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-08. Transcript available.

Guess what I'm doing, um, this, this fucking month. I am trying to stay off
social media because I think it is a, uh, I think it has its, it's, it
definitely has its good points.
All right. But wherever they are, I don't see them right now. I'm taking a
month off. I'll still obviously tweet and post shit, but I'm not reading
anything or any of that fucking crap.
I'm trying to be perfect Billy this month. I'm trying to go back to the bill
that I was when I was eight years old. I didn't drink, you know, I didn't take
the occasional hit of weed. I didn't fucking, I didn't watch porno. Right. I
didn't watch people getting fucking slapped by gorillas on fucking YouTube. It
didn't exist. Okay.
I, I had, I had a pure fucking mind. I went outside, I picked up a stick and I
played cowboys and Indians and reenacted the genocide that made this country
what it is. Okay. I was innocent.
Uh, yeah, I'm just trying to fucking, I'm trying to slow it down here. All
right. I've been doing great, man. Uh, Dean Del Rey has gotten me on this
fucking diet that is working for me. I just got to eat more salads. I gotta get,
I get it. I haven't been doing that lately, but, uh, um, I swear to God, I know
you guys are going to fucking hate me. I know you're going to fucking hate me.
I'm laying off the bread. I'm kind of doing that gluten free thing, you know?
And I used to always be like, fuck that dude. I'm always eating pizza. I'm
always eating bread and shit. I gotta tell you something, dude. The fucking
waitress. If you don't booze and you lay off the bread and the flour that you
know, and you eat well, the, the, the fat has nowhere to hide. It's like
fucking roaches. When you turn the light. Oh, I guess they run and hide. Don't
they? I don't know what it is. I don't know. I don't know what the, I don't
know. Hey people. I don't know what the fucking analogy is.
It's, it's, it's out there somewhere. All right. But it's not in my brain right
now. Um, and I'm actually liking the goddamn food. I finally went to steel cut
oats. Uh, and for some reason on this diet, I'm putting a little brown sugar
and a little bit of butter in there. It's been fucking tremendous. And I know
there's all these people that go, oh my God, butter's going to clog up your
arteries. Uh, you know what? Fuck you. I got to eat something. Um, then I have
a couple of,
eggs over agey. I got this other thing that I can make sometimes for breakfast
where it's just quinoa, black beans and an egg. I throw a little salsa on top.
Fucking delicious. I just don't wrap it up in one of those giant flour tortillas.
You know what the fucking, you know, you know what the deal is. Then all of a
sudden you start throwing the sour cream on and the cheese and all of that shit.
And you literally like you're fucking, you leave the taco stand and you're
fucking walking out, like lean into one side. Like someone punched you in your
fucking ribs.
Um, yeah. And then also I, uh, my teeth are getting fucked up down the bottom.
Just as you get older, I guess your jaw keeps growing or whatever. This is
whatever the fucking dentist told me. So I actually, I finally bit the bullet
and I got that fucking Invisalign.
So I got to wear that thing for the next 12 to 16 weeks. And I'll do it. I'll
tell you right now, dude, it fucking sucks. It sucks, man. But it definitely
makes you eat less. Cause it's like, I don't want to take this fucking thing
out and go through this whole rigamarole.
Um, oh my God, dude, do you realize I'm bald? I'm going to be 50 and I'll be
wearing braces. Can you want to, do you understand the trifecta of fucking,
thank God I have knee in my life. Can you imagine if I was a single man and
that's what the fuck I was doing?
Um, I'm kind of doing like a fucking light overhaul on my body right now. I'm
laying off the booze. I'm getting my fucking teeth down the bottom. Cause I was
starting to look like a fucking, I don't know what, some sort of, uh, where are
my references today?
I don't know where the hell they are. I'm trying to think that there's a couple
of fucking wild. What's that fucking thing that exists in, um, South America.
And it's the worst kind of animal to be. It's like you, you're like, you exist
to keep the top predators alive.
Like people, oh, they fuck like rabbits. The reason why rabbits fuck like that.
And they have all this because everybody eats them in the wild. Okay. They're
like the, the, the, the, hey, you guys want to get some sliders. That's what
like rabbits are in the wild.
So there's some sort of fucking, it's not a pig and it's not a rat. What is
that? I got to look it up now.
South America. I want to go to South America so bad. South American pig rat.
Let's see if they show it. The fuck is it? Come on, man. Come on, internet.
Uh, capy, capybara. Is that what it is? These giant guinea pigs. That's what my
lower teeth are starting to look like.
Come on. Clicking on the images. Did I do it right? Did I? Bam! Fucking nailed
it.
Fucking nailed it. It's like if a squirrel fucked a pig. Well, they have, they
have like surprisingly, what are they? Pig size rats.
I got to admit, they're kind of cute. The face really makes them fucking cute.
Um, this is going to be like the next Pixar movie.
These giant motherfuckers. Um, by the way, dude, yeah, South America, man, I've,
I've wanted to go there for so goddamn long.
I just don't have the time. I'd love to go down there and do a fucking show.
You know, I've always wanted to go to the, uh, Galapagos islands, all of this
shit.
It just seems green and beautiful. You know, I don't know. I got to get my ass
fucking down there at some point. Why, why the hell wouldn't I?
If I talk about global warming, why don't I jump on a fucking jet plane and
spray unleaded, leaded fuel across the fucking atmosphere for a good 12 hour
flight from LA.
This is how dumb I am. I actually thought, cause I moved out here. I was
actually, it was a shorter flight to fucking like Brazil or something.
I didn't realize that like, you know, when you look at it, if you're in New
York and you flew due South, you'd be on the East, the West coast of their
country.
Um, yeah, Bill. Yeah. We all have a globe. We've all looked at a map at some
point. Well, you know what? Sometimes I don't look at shit.
Um, old sober bill. Who would have thought? Old slender sober bill. I finally
stood on the scale today after fucking not boozing, eating like a fucking, uh,
Hollywood douche.
And, um, you know, when I went back in August, I was pushing, like, I was like
one 87. I was pushing, like, uh, pushing, you know, it's closing in on 200
there.
Um, I'm now down to about, I said one 71.6. It's perfect. My clothes fit now.
And this is what I'm going to do this time.
All right. I'm actually going to buy jeans that fit, you know, when I'm this
weight, because the problem is, is I have a bunch, all my jeans fit me when I'm
187.
And so as I put on the weight, I don't notice I'm all comfortable. I just
fucking walking around in my big fucking jeans. Oh, Billy, big jeans.
Oh, that might be my favorite one. Oh, Billy, big jeans. I'm not fucking doing
it anymore. Do you understand me?
Do you still speak English? I'm fucking, I'm, I'm going to, uh, there's like a
skid row right down the street from me.
I don't go to Goodwill anymore. I don't trust those cunts. All right. What I do
is I go down to skid row and I go, Hey, you homeless motherfuckers who want
free clothes.
Um, no, I don't do that. I, you know, anybody who's sort of my size, step right
up.
I just know I go down and I, I just have the bag and I walk up to where their
tents are and I just fucking set it down and I turn around and I walk away like
fucking Santa Claus for junkies.
Okay. And I got all kinds of shit in there, you know, and it's just funny to me
that, uh, that I'm, I'm giving away clothes that like, maybe I like this.
Some like fucking homeless guy walking around wearing a shirt that I wore on
Conan O'Brien.
I know what I should be doing is going down there and thinking, Oh my God, this
is so sad that fellow Americans have to live this way.
But I am such a self-involved Hollywood douche.
I actually walk away still thinking about how, about myself and how I just gave
away clothes that had TV credits.
You know, I hate that about myself, but you know, I'm just being honest. I do.
I, and I also feel good that I did something like that, right?
It's all that stuff that allegedly Jesus doesn't appreciate, you know, heathens
praying in public.
I should just do that shit and not tell you guys that I did it.
But now I'm telling you that I did it, which takes away the, uh, the good deed.
Cause if you do a good deed, just so you can walk around and talk about it or
sit down and talk about it on a podcast, you're not a good person.
You're a cunt.
And, uh, yeah.
So that's what we learned here.
You know, if there really was a Jesus, if there really was a Santa Claus, there'd
be coal in my stocking.
And I would be on my way to the fiery depths of hell.
Right.
According to my religion, just because I went down there and I gave the clothes,
but then told you guys about it.
That's how it works in my religion.
That's how my religion is.
Um, all right.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this point.
All right.
That's the end of the podcast.
But you know what I have to do?
The second I fucking shut this off is I have to put my fucking Invisalign back
in.
It's fine once they're fucking in there.
But when you're, when you pop them in, they're like, it's, you know, to get the
best results, wear it 22 hours a day.
You know, you ever go to the airport and you see those people who like broke
their fucking ankle.
And then it's like, they got that thing that they are, uh, it's like a scooter
and they can just rest their knee on it.
This is like, this is the teeth version of that.
I don't understand why those people just don't use fucking crutches.
Do they have like that little upper body strength?
Is their cast that fucking heavy?
Or is it just more efficient?
Those are the hard-hitting questions we ask here in the podcast.