Name: Bill Burr - Waterless Earth | iPhone Wants Fingerprint | Positive News
Uploaded: 2017-12-15T18:09:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Waterless Earth | iPhone Wants Fingerprint | Positive News' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Waterless Earth | iPhone Wants Fingerprint | Positive News' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-15. Transcript available.

Jesus Christ, I went to go buy a fucking magazine before I got on the flight.
My God, everything was so fucking depressing.
Do you know on the cover of Newsweek, they got a picture of the earth like
waterless
saying that's what like the future is going to be.
And it's just like, who in the fuck would buy that?
And I'm going to sit there and read that and then do what?
Think about my daughter over there in some waterless world.
I don't know.
I think, you know, I mean, I just don't understand that how that helps me.
And I also don't think that that's the direction we're going to go in.
As much as everybody's flapping their arms and screaming, yelling and all of
that shit.
There is some good news out there about all of this type of stuff, you know,
because, you know, I know this.
You know, I know this because I'm getting sick of all this fucking negative
news.
And all, you know, the fucking iPhone now, they want your fingerprint, which I'm
not doing.
So coincidentally enough, all of a sudden, my phone, you know, because I didn't
finish air quotes, setting it up.
By giving a fucking cell phone company, whoever the fuck it is, my fingerprint.
It's like, why would I give you my, why would I give you my fingerprints, you
fucking assholes?
First of all, I love how Apple keeps acting like there's this epidemic of
people getting their phones broken into.
Like if you set it down, somebody's going to figure out your four to six digit
code.
Like they're fucking Christopher walking in the dead zone.
All they got to do is touch, shake your fucking hand.
And you're like, it's one, two, three, four, isn't it?
Right.
You're like, fuck, he can get into my phone.
I've never had my phone broken into because somebody knew my fucking passcode.
I'm sure somebody's gone in another way.
Sitting in their fucking, you know, their house.
I don't know how the fuck they do it.
But I know my thumbprint and showing my face or whatever the fuck it is these
assholes want from me.
Oh, fucking Billy Apocalypto here.
I think I'm, I'm, I don't know.
I've made this claim before, but I think I'm going to do it.
I think I'm going to go, but I'm going to go flip phone MP3 player.
Because the only reason why I really like the smartphone is I love that all my
music is on there.
I really enjoy that.
So if I was in the cell phone fucking market, what I would do is I would make
flip phones that could fucking carry the music, you know, flip phone slash MP3
player.
And I'm throwing that out there right now so people can write me, oh, actually,
there is a phone like that.
It's called the MP3 player Flippy.
It's made by Sprint or whatever the fuck it's.
I'm going to go.
I think I'm going to do that.
And then when I'm on the road, I'll just Skype on my computer.
I guess I'll do that fucking shit.
You know what?
I actually looked up positive news and I found this thing, the good news
network, man.
God damn it.
If they don't have good news, you want to, let's hear some positive news here.
Let's end on a positive note.
Good news in history.
Well, what in the fuck did he give her on the menu?
Or is that a her?
I think that might be a her.
I think that's a her.
Guy shows you how to use Amazon Prime to instantly help the homeless.
Okay.
There's some fucking advertising laden as a positive fucking story.
Needle free injections.
Is this just all fucking commercials?
That was a Burger King commercial.
This isn't positive.
Oh, in a historic announcement, World Bank says it will no longer finance oil
and gas exploration.
The bank is walking away from oil and gas exploration.
Are they going to give the oil companies the sun?
On?
On?
On?
All right.
The World Bank has just announced their groundbreaking decision to cease all
investments in oil and gas exploration over the course of the next two years.
This can't be true.
In two years, they're going to have no money to drill for oil.
We're going to flip over to fucking solar that quickly.
The announcement comes as a welcome follow-up to the, you know, it kind of
helps if you're reading positive news and not have a negative cunt fucking, I
like to think I'm more cynical.
See how, see how much sugar is in honey, maple syrup, and agave nectar.
Mazda announces gasoline engine using compression ignition.
Why your pet looks like you and vice versa.
How to pack light for easy travel.
I don't know what I'm, I don't know where I am right now on the internet, but,
um, I kind of like it.
This is, this is the kind of light news that I like.
Why does my pet look like me?
Um, okay.
The announcement of the World Bank comes as a welcome follow-up to the
financial institution's decision to drop all investment in the coal industry
back in 2010.
Now, after years of pressuring from environmentalists, the World Bank will
withdraw up almost a billion dollars in annual loans from oil and gas groups.
Well, this is just a world bank.
It's not every bank.
So I'm sure Chase and Wells Fargo will gladly take that business that they just
dropped.
Um, related news, Elon Musk's record-breaking battery was just switched on in
Australia.
This will be the tipping point.
This will, when, when, you know, we're not going to have a fucking world
without water.
We're just not going to do it.
Okay, I refuse to, I can't walk around with a kid thinking that that's going to
happen.
What's going to happen is basically, this is just a bad 120 years or whatever,
where we went in a direction.
We zigged when we should have zagged.
Nobody's fucking wrong.
All right.
Quit pointing fucking fingers at different colored ties.
Let's all get on the same fucking page.
It's a great way to, I don't know, I don't know, what the fuck do I know?
I'm not a goddamn scientist.
My whole thing is let's, let's, let's stop fucking spending a billion dollars a
month to fight the fucking, uh, the R gang from the little rascals over there.
You know, they're bankrupting us.
You get over here, you go fucking solar, right?
And then those people, first of all, you don't even need to bankrupt ISIS.
The second we leave, they're just going to go back to killing each other.
Just like when Russia, when Russia left fucking, uh, when Russia collapsed in
their early nineties, I'm really going out on a limb here.
I really don't know much about world history, but when Russia left Eastern
Europe, right?
After they collapsed and all those people got their fucking freedom again and
everyone's like, oh, this is great.
All these poor oppressed people, they, they picked up fights that I'd never
heard of because my entire, you know, that whole Bosnian Serbs, that whole
fucking horrific thing that happened over there.
I guess that shit was going on.
When Russia came in, they had a common enemy, they were fighting Russia for the
whole fucking time.
And then the second they leave, they started right back up with their Hatfield
and McCoy shit, you know?
So, which is always good.
A war is always good.
That's another, it's a very pro-environmental, I actually know, because the
light fucking oil fields on fire and all of that shit.
I don't know, whatever, something will happen, something will happen, it'll fix
it up, you know?
Or maybe robots will come along and they'll kill enough of us, you know?
Is there any good news on this website about robots?
You know what it's really going to take to turn this shit around?
It's going to take people like Elon Musk.
I'm not saying this guy's a fucking saint, all right?
I'm just hoping he has a better product.
They have to start bribing politicians the way oil companies and banks do,
right?
That's what they have to do.
They got to get, the electric people have to get the politicians on the take.
So, when the Obamas and their fucking, their run as president, when they go
around and they give their speeches, you know, their big payback fucking tour,
they would actually go to these companies instead of the fucking oil companies
and the big banks and all of that type of shit.
That's all it is.
There, right there.
Did you hear what I just said, people?
I just solved the world's pollution problems, our financial problems and our
energy crisis, all in one, one minute string of sentences that was not even
remotely released, researched.
Okay.
And that's what you should be coming here for.
I'm going to make you feel better.
I'll give you good news.