Name: Bill Burr - Virgin Airlines And The Safety Music Video
Uploaded: 2017-12-15T18:10:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Virgin Airlines And The Safety Music Video' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Virgin Airlines And The Safety Music Video' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-15. Transcript available.

Four days in I came to the Hard Rock Cafe, they got a couple of lights fucking
lit up there.
I had no idea, I took the red eye in.
I flew in on fucking Virgin Airlines, which by the way, I don't feel
comfortable flying that fucking airline.
Because I think they put more money into their fucking seatbelt song video than
they did on the actual plane.
Because every time I get on that fucking plane, you know me, I'm a fancy guy.
I spent 20 years in the back of the fucking plane, I ain't going back.
I don't care what I have to pay.
Okay, I want to be breathing down the pilot's neck.
That's how I fly commercial.
I want to know when one of them gets up to go to the bathroom.
That's where the fuck I want to fly.
All right.
That's my one diva demand in this business.
I fly up front.
That's it.
I'm not, I spent 20 years back there.
I'm not fucking going back there.
You know, I might, you know, you never know what happens in your career.
But if I end up back there, I swear to God, I'm packing like a rock star when
they go on tour for fucking two years where they bring one pair of pants, two t-shirts
and a toothbrush.
That's the way I'm packing.
I'm going to start dressing all in black like George Carlin or Johnny Cash.
I've already worked it out.
If I fucking go back there.
Okay.
If I have to go to the back of the plane again, I'm going vegan.
I'm doing yoga.
I'm going to become as skinny as I possibly fucking can.
And then I'm bringing this little fucking knapsack with me because that's all
the back of the plane is.
It's just stress.
Fuck.
How fat is the fat fuck sitting next to me going to be?
Fuck.
Is it going to be fucking headspace?
I mean, sorry.
Overhead compartment space for my little fucking bag.
That's all it is.
The whole fucking thing is that.
Fuck.
Is the person next to me going to be snoring?
Fuck.
Am I going to be sitting next to the bathroom?
Fuck.
I'm in the back of the plane.
After a while, I got sick of it.
After a while, old Freckles got sick of it.
And I just said, fuck this.
How much is it?
I don't give a shit.
Throw it on the fucking card.
So anyway, so I'm sitting up front.
All right.
And if you never flew Virgin Airlines, they have this fucking music video that
they did, which I get doing the announcements.
You know, their emergency exits are here.
This is fucking there.
Don't do this.
Don't try to open any windows while the plane's in flight.
You know, whatever the fuck they say.
Don't try to let your shoes on fire.
So they were like, this is boring.
We're the hip airline.
We have all this aquarium lighting here.
You know, let's we light the plane like everyone's going to get a hand job
right after they fucking take off.
Right.
How long before they get shit for their sexual harassment fucking lighting?
Yeah, everyone should smell like cologne.
That's the way it's fucking lit on those planes.
And so they they they may decide they decided out of the fucking blue to make
this music video.
To like give you the announcements.
And when I tell you this, it feels like it's 15 fucking minutes long.
It's so fucking like loud.
And then everybody's doing that, you know, post Christina Aguilera singing.
You know, where you got to hit every note on the fucking scale.
Every three words like Christina Aguilera singing row, row, row, you're doing
that fucking Jesus like you're tickling a cat.
And it's not enjoying it.
That's saying she's a bad singer, but it's like, I get it.
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.
So they have all of that fucking, you know, those fucking women that when they
sing, they got a point where their voice is going.
Like, it's like I get I'm tone deaf, but, you know, I don't need you to be
doing like a fucking, you know, leaving breadcrumbs or where the fuck you're
going on the music scale.
Okay.
I can tell by the way my eardrums are vibrating.
You're getting up into the stratosphere there.
So this fucking song goes on forever and ever.
And just when you think it's over, then they do this stupid robot part.
I don't even know what they're saying.
Oh my God.
Oh my, I'm going to light my shoes on fire if this fucking thing doesn't end.
So, and then what happens is I try to put my headphones on, right?
And then you just say, excuse me, sure, sure, 9-11 support the troops.
Can you take your fucking headphones off?
Unfortunately, last night, they didn't make me do that because I took the red
eye in and the stewardesses were cool, whatever the fuck you're supposed to
call them, flight attendees.
They were cool and they didn't make me take the fucking things off, but Jesus
fuck.
And then meanwhile, they spend like fucking a million dollars on this goddamn
thing of all these fucking whaling divas and robot people and all of this shit.
And then they took something, the boarding announcements that only took like 45
seconds.
Now it's like a 10-minute goddamn video.
And they spend all that fucking money on that.
And I have never been on Virgin, flown up front, and after I reclined the seat,
had the seat go back up again.
The fucking stewardess always has, flight attendee, always has to come over and
fucking Wendy, the flight attendee over there, always has to come and open that
middle part.
And there's some sort of secret fucking lever to pull it up.
So then that makes me think, okay, if this is what's going on with the seat, it's
like, what's going on with the engine?
All right.
I was catastrophizing.
All right.
But that's something you do when you're on a plane.
You know, because like when we were taking off, it was vibrating a little bit
too much.
And I was just thinking like, you know, it's LAX.
It's like, oh, fuck.
What if we crash into the ocean right now?
And even worse, what if we have a really good pilot like Sully, who doesn't
have the decency to just fucking nose it in and kill us all instantly.
Now we got to float there waiting for sharks to fucking eat us because it's
nighttime.
You know what I mean?
During the day, I want Sully.
All right.
At night, you know, I don't know what I want.
I want just, just nose it forward.
All right.
Ah, we don't got enough fucking thrust to get lift here.
Speak for myself.
I had a good one.
Yeah.
Just go straight down in.