Name: Bill Burr - The Golden Globes 2018
Uploaded: 2018-01-09T00:02:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Golden Globes 2018' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Golden Globes 2018' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-09. Transcript available.

I did the smartest thing tonight, right?
Me and my wife, right, my wife, we had this, you know,
every once in a while you got a clean house, right?
And be like, all right, let's go where the kid can't hear us.
Let's just sit down and we're going to talk about
what we've been doing over the last, whatever, month, six months, decade,
depending on how long it's been since you've had those talks, right?
Having a talk in a relationship is like fucking the end of your year
when you have to do your taxes and you didn't organize anything
and you got a year's worth of fucking receipts all sticking out all over the
place
and you just keep putting it off and putting it off, you know what I mean?
The next thing you know, the box is fucking another box down the street, right?
So we try to air it out.
So we went out, all right?
Got some chicken wings.
And we just fucking, I think we were just going to go out to hang,
we knew that we needed to hang out.
Like, we got to hang out, right?
The kid's taking a lot of our us time, we need to go fucking hang out.
So we go hang out.
And then just all this shit came out, all right?
And one of the things that I was doing is I was ruining television for her
because I don't shut up when I watch TV.
I imitate people, I make fun of them.
And when the other person is in the room and they want to watch the show,
evidently it's really annoying.
Of course it's annoying.
So, and if she's watching reality TV, like, I never shut up because it's just,
I mean, I don't know.
So I've been trying not, you know, if she's watching something that we both
enjoy,
like, oh, Zach, you know, or the Black Mirror.
Oh, they all got Boston, they got the R's in there.
All the shows that we like, Twilight Zone, all of that shit.
If we're watching shit like that, I shut up, all right?
But if it's anything else, I don't shut the fuck up.
So if she's watching, like, reality shows.
So tonight she was watching the Golden Globes, all right?
And I know right there I can't watch that show with her
because she's going to get mad at me.
So I just wanted to watch Seth's monologue.
I always watch the comic because it's such a fucking crazy gig, right?
To come out there, you're doing all brand new shit
and, like, sitting right in the front row, like, two feet away,
is fucking Oprah Winfrey and, you know, Samuel Jackson and Willem Dafoe.
All these fucking people are there.
It's like the whole movie, the whole, everything you're watching at home on TV,
television shows, movies, all of a sudden it turns around and looks at you
while you go out there with the new fucking 10 minutes
or whatever the hell it is they do.
So I'm watching that.
Seth is fucking killing.
And the first time I talked was at some point when I saw Oprah was sitting
there
and I leaned over and go, can you imagine doing your jokes?
And Oprah is, like, right there.
She was like, and?
And I was like, oh, fuck.
All right.
And I just, I'm going to shut up.
And then the award show started.
And the smartest thing I did is I just, I pretended I had to go do something
and I just sort of got up and I walked out so I wouldn't, I wouldn't do the
rest of it.
I wouldn't do the rest.
I wouldn't ruin the fucking show for it.
And you guess what?
We're not in a fight right now.
It's unbelievable.
You know?
And she would just, I just stayed in the kitchen.
I made some waffles.
I'm one of those breakfast for dinner kind of guys.
You know?
That's how I do it.
That's my swagger.
That's, that's, that's the marble man that I have in me.
Um, I just realized the second I said that, that's like some shit you say when
you're trying
to be interesting on a date, or if you're too dumb to know you're not
interesting, you would
say something.
I, first of all, I want to thank everyone who's still listening to this.
The fact that I said I'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy.
All right.
What I should have said was I like having breakfast for dinner sometimes, but I
said I'm a breakfast
for dinner kind of guy.
Once you say kind of guy, you should be legally required to do the double
fucking pistol shot
with you, with your fingers on that kind of guy, bang, bang, side of fucking
sausage.
Um, so I was out there making waffles and, uh, she yelled out, she goes, Sammy
one, Sammy
one, Sam Rockwell one.
So I, you know, obviously love Sam and, uh, he did something that's really hard
to do.
He had a great speech and, um, and then, you know, I was watching a little bit
more and
I felt all these things that I was going to say.
So I just walked out, I walked out before I said something stupid, you know, if
your tux
is all black, you're not a rapist.
Welcome to the golden globes.
Like I would have been doing shit like that.
Do you realize you could be an absolute fucking monster?
Okay.
But if you wore an all black tuxedo, like no, everyone would be looking at you.
Like you were progressive.
That's why I, you know, I understand why it's done because it's a show of
strength and everybody's
like, yes, this is obviously something that, you know, needs to stop yada, yada,
yada, and
a bunch of other obvious shit.
But, um, it also creates this thing where you could just walk in and no one's
going to
fuck with you because you're wearing the right uniform.
That's why I don't like all of that political correctness stuff is because you
create a roadmap
for, for people to just get across the river because they know what to say,
what not to
say when they're in public and everybody's like, oh, he said native American.
He said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, obviously.
And he has an all black tuxedo.
He must be a good person.
All right.
Now, all of this is just shit that no one wants to fucking hear when they're
trying to
watch.
So I ran in, I saw Sam Rockwell, when I heard Carol Burnett was there, I ran
and I saw
that and when I heard Roseanne Barr and John Goodman were on, I, I ran in and I
watched
that, you know, and I, well, I don't know, I saw something else.
I saw Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, no, she was there with, uh, uh, uh, Carol Burnett.
How fucking great does she look?
I'm telling you, man, she does not age at all.
Her and fucking Howie Long.
I said the exact same, that's kind of weird, right?
I said the exact same thing when I saw Howie Long today when I was watching the
playoffs.
I was like, if he fucking looks unbelievable.
Guy just does not, he has not lost one hair on top of his head.
I haven't been able to have that haircut since I was like 15.
Anyways, what am I reading a little bit of advertising, shall I?
Shall I read a little bit of advertising?
Oh, look who's back.
Indochino.
Indochino.
Talk about how every man looks better in his suit.
Yes, they do, especially if it's an all-black suit at the Golden Globes.
So we know that you're progressive.
Okay?
We know that you're a progressive person.
You're not wearing that suit to, uh,
hopefully ward off any investigation on yourself.
*laughs*