Name: Bill Burr - Failed My Wife
Uploaded: 2018-01-16T16:32:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Failed My Wife' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Failed My Wife' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-16. Transcript available.

okay failed my wife all right dear billy buddy guy my wife and i have been
married for a year
and a half we both have a child from prior relationships and a seventh month
old daughter
together she's an angel by the way of course she is she is latina and i only
bring that up because
she fits all the fiery stereotypes both good and bad she completes my life with
this although
arguments can get very difficult dude i thought you were talking about your
seven month old
that's fucking hilarious you went right into that i thought you're good you're
already having
arguments with a seven month old and she's fiery blah blah blah blah there's
fucking talking gibberish
okay your wife okay she's latina and i only bring that up because she fits all
these stereotypes she
completes my life i love about i have some of the same temper issues that you
use to describe
yourself and your bit about kneeling on the ball when i'm right has paid off
huge uh so thank you
for that yeah i wish i should probably re-watch that bit because i have not
been doing that lately
i've been airing it out anyway to cut to the chase we decided together to fight
for primary custody of my
son the case is very complicated but for the sake of everyone listening i'll
summarize it with as few
details as possible in family court before appearing in front of a judge there
is a conference where a
mediator mediator tries everything they can to make sure you can come to an
agreement and avoid
a judge deciding my wife and i had a plan going in to not cut a deal with my ex
at the conference
and hold out for a judge to rule on custody however i had no idea the level of
pressure
that they'd be able to put on me and i buckled under it and made a deal for the
next year then i had to
go home and explain to my wife that i had failed our plan i don't know if you've
ever completely
disappointed your woman but this is the worst feeling in the world well wait a
minute she's going to judge
you because they probably used your love of your own kid right against you
anyways and as you can imagine
over the past day or so she's cutting me into me it's just about every
opportunity for all the little
failures and i can see it right in her eyes that her man had a moment of
weakness and didn't come
through in the clutch worse is that she absolutely hates my ex and feels like i
let her get the better
of me us yeah you know i kind of had a feeling yeah okay all right oh geez you're
in the middle of
that you're in the middle of two ladies you have ever disappointed your woman
with a grand fuck up
about every three days i guess a good boxing analogy is that my hands are down
and i don't know how long
to let her continue jabbing at me until i put them back up thanks and go fuck
yourself uh i wouldn't
take another ounce of shit from her i you need to sit down and talk to her and
be like wait a minute
i'm trying to get my kid back i'm going back with all of this emotion wait let
me make sure this is
you decided together to get primary custody of your son now whose idea was that
was that totally yours or
was the the hatred your wife has of your ex-wife played into the thing um
i i don't know dude i don't know what's going on but it sounds
when it went into my head okay now no notice know that everything that you say
is now perverted because it went into my brain as i say once you say something
it's not what you said
anymore it's cut with the other person's experiences it's like drugs that have
been stepped on what you
said was pure cocaine now it's in my head and there's all this ex-lax fucking
laxatives getting
fucking put in it um all i hear is that your wife uh your current wife resents
your previous fucking
wife and uh she's doing that woman thing where they don't solve things with
their fists they try to
make they just do that thing where they try to make the other woman as
miserable as they possibly can
and she knows probably how much it would break your ex-wife's heart to lose uh
primary custody of your
son and she really wanted to do that to her because that would make her feel
better and more secure in
your relationship i don't fucking know i have no idea too there's too many
fucking variables here
but um i wouldn't take an ounce of shit if i had a son from a previous marriage
and you know i was
trying to do what you were doing and then i caved under that pressure my wife
would understand it
if she ever gave me shit i would be stunned and then i would fucking read her
the riot act
and i would go out to a bar and have a couple of cold ones there that's what i
would do
okay now i get into a lot of arguments in my relationship so you probably don't
want to
listen to me i have no professional background
okay