Name: Bill Burr - San Francisco
Uploaded: 2018-01-16T20:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - San Francisco' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - San Francisco' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-16. Transcript available.

I'm just in a bad mood because I'm in San Francisco, right? I fucking came here
yesterday and no guy has even looked at me.
No, I came here yesterday and it was sunny out. One of the rare, sunny,
beautiful days.
And San Francisco, when it is sunny out, when the weather is nice, can fuck
with any city.
I'll even say in North America, forget about the continental United States,
including Alaska and Hawaii and some of our tributaries,
like fucking Puerto Rico there. Isaac fucks with any city, okay?
However, on the usual cloudy, rainy day, this place, there's a misery to this
fucking place.
It's cold, wet air blowing against you as you walk up yet another fucking hill,
you know?
Nothing is ever down a hill. It's always up a hill, around a corner to an even
steeper hill, you know?
When they still have all that mamas and papas, you know, all the leaves are
brown, hippie vibe going out here a little bit.
Even all the evil people from fucking Silicon Valley, which I still never know
quite where that is.
It's somewhere down near like San Jose. I just don't know where it begins and
where it ends.
But Silicon, to me, and my level of intellect, the amount of books that I've
read in life,
Silicon, to me, is and will always be what's in fake titties.
So, you know, I don't know what they're doing.
I actually flew up here, rented a helicopter and flew up here with a couple of
people,
had a great fucking time, picked up a couple of hours.
And we went by this giant building that was this huge circle.
And I was like, what the fuck is that?
That looks like, I don't know, it looks like the Pentagon if it was groovy, man,
right?
I was like, what is that?
And my buddy guessed, he goes, it's probably, maybe it's Apple.
I never seen a building like it.
It was just a total circle.
Then in the middle, there was like all of this, like it looked like a jungle in
the middle.
You know, and if you look down, you could see the employees screaming and
waving.
Don't get me out of here.
He's still alive.
Steve is still alive.
I think that's what it said.
But I was, you know, too busy focusing on not hitting somebody else while I was
up there.
Turns out it was the Apple building.
Very impressive.
Very fucking impressive structure.
And then we went right by Stanford and saw that stadium.
My buddy was hitting me with trivia before we got there.
He goes, I went to a game.
I went to a Super Bowl.
He claimed it was the only Super Bowl ever played at a college stadium or
something like that,
which isn't true because they played a bunch at the Rose Bowl and also at Tulane.
Maybe he said the last one played at a college stadium.
Was it that?
I forget what it was.
Don't blame him.
Blame me for not remembering.
And I was able to guess that.
What I said was the 49ers Dolphins at Stanford Stadium.
Only because I had recently read that that's where they played that game.
And because I got that right, he then had to be like, what was the score?
I was like, I don't know.
But Fulton Walker took a kickoff back for the first time in Super Bowl history.
It's like 35-10.
So anyways, we fucking land at San Francisco International Airport, which it's
so much different, you know,
when you actually get to see how cool it fucking looks.
When you're sitting in the back of the tube, you know, and you're just looking
out the back, just praying,
you know, just please get this thing on the fucking ground.
It's different when you come up there.
It's fucking amazing.
It's expensive as shit, but it's amazing, right?
So we land.
Everything's going great.
And I ended up doing this thing with the, what is it?
The San Francisco Sketch Fest.
And I did this, what was it, the, who's the guy from Cuba?
Castro.
The Castro Theater with Kevin Pollack.
And we just went out and sort of an interview, just riffing, fucking around.
And then people came up and asked questions afterwards.
I want to thank everybody that showed up.
It was like one in the afternoon.
All of these people showed up.
It was a great time.
Kevin's just the greatest fucking dude ever.
And we actually, I got to do a scene with him in a movie coming up called Front
Runner.
It's coming up this year.
We had a great time doing that.
And, you know, San Francisco.
Why ain't a bad mood, Bill?
The South sounds great.
It's all great.
It's all fucking great.
Then I get to my hotel.
Of course, I show up, right?
And the lady takes my driver's license.
I forgot to not just show it to her.
Like, she took the driver's license, right?
So then she starts clicking on a keyboard.
I say, hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you not type any personal information on a license?
And she got all this fucking attitude.
She goes, I am not.
I will tell you what I'm typing in.
And this whole fucking, you know, snap to the 12 to the 6, whatever the fucking
kids say.
I want to be like, lady.
Lady.
You're not going to tell me what you're going to do.
I'm going to tell you what you're not going to do, you fucking cunt.
But, of course, I can't say that.
You know, I can't say that.
Dude, I don't know what the fuck happened to customer service.
But her fucking attitude, the way she talked to me, it was like I told her how
to parent her kid.
So then she looks me up.
Of course, they don't fucking have me down because I probably miscommunicated
when I was going to come up here anyways.
I just didn't say a fucking word, right?
And then she went out of her way and actually got me, you know, she didn't get
me out of the way.
She fucking did her job.
Fuck her.
Still fuck her.
Sir, I'm going to tell you what.
Like, what in the f- I felt like I was getting booked.
I just, I fucking, I don't understand what has happened to customer service.
So then I was just like, all right, all right, fucking whatever.
All right.
And then this hotel turns out they don't have the two things that I need in a
hotel.
The only two fucking things I need other than a fucking door that doesn't open
up out into the parking lot.
In other words, I'm not staying in a motel.
Okay.
And all I need is some sort of gym and an ironing board.
That's it.
This hotel has neither.
It has neither.
It has a little steam fucking machine.
I don't want to steam my fucking clothes.
I practice my drum shit, but I'm on the road.
I bring a little practice pad.
And after all these years of trying to find a fucking table that fits right,
the ironing board was there the whole time.
You just play standing up.
Okay.
And you can adjust it down.
If it's not high enough, you just put a couple of towels underneath.
And then it's at the height you need it to be.
They don't fucking have one.
And then lastly, I went to go get a burrito and I fucked up.
Like, San Francisco makes the best burritos, right?
They got the best.
They perfected them.
I don't know where they came from.
I believe France invented the burrito.
I'm not sure.
So there's this fucking, I'm not going to name the burrito place,
but evidently they got a great spot in the mission.
And I'm all the way down near the fucking touristy area where they got like
rides to Alcatraz.
I'm like, I'm not fucking going all the way out there.
I want to watch both these fucking football games.
And lo and behold, I find that there's a guy,
there's one that's in on everybody's top 10 list that makes a fucking burrito
in the mission, but also has another location down near the fisherman place,
right?
The Wharf down here.
So I'm like, all right, well, I know it's probably not going to be as good as
the
original because that's the original oven and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I fucking go to the new, this obviously the second one that they opened.
I show up, right?
And there's like fucking, I don't know, a group of four in front of me and a
group of
two in front of me.
And you would have thought the amount of time it took them to order a fucking
burrito.
You would have thought that they were trying to like, you know, it was like
wartime and
they were trying to catch the last flight out before the, you know, the impending
regime or
whatever.
I was going to send them to a fucking labor camp.
That's like how long they were negotiating this.
And what kills me is these four people that took for fucking ever, then the two
people
behind them who had enough time to fucking go on YouTube, find out what's in a
burrito,
go to a fucking supermarket, buy the shit and cook one.
That's the amount of time they had, they step up to the register.
It's their moment of truth to order a burrito.
And they'll start looking at the menu.
Uh, we're going to get a, uh, uh, fucking ridiculous, fucking ridiculous.
So I get up there.
What do you want?
Give me an original burrito, chicken, chips and salsa and a water to go.
Cash.
Thank you.
Step aside.
Over.
How hard is that?
You know what it is, is somewhere in the last century, it became illegal to
punch somebody
in the back of the head when they were taken too long in a line.
And now everybody, they just, you know, they're just a little too comfortable.
They're just a little too comfortable.
So I'm standing there and, uh, you know, now I'm behind the fucking couple that,
you know,
over at the salsa line, salsa line, salsa, salsa line.
And, uh, I'm behind them again, and it's taken them forever to get fucking
salsa.
They're fucking looking around and they're looking at other people.
It's like, use your fucking brain.
Mild, medium, hot.
The fuck?