Name: Bill Burr - My Fu#Ked Life
Uploaded: 2018-01-23T15:56:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - My Fu#Ked Life' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - My Fu#Ked Life' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-23. Transcript available.

all right my life's fucked my fucked life sorry my fucked life this sounds like
a sitcom right
all right my fuck life dear bill and nia i'm 17 and still in high school i'm a
bit of a i'm in a
bit of a pickle uh what the fuck is wrong with this thing it keeps beeping i
think i'm falling
for my best friend i realized after we were falling asleep at her house she had
just taken
off her makeup and made a joke like sorry i look so bad but when i looked at
her thought she looks
so beautiful and cute in her sweatshirt that was just a little too big for her
what is this flash
dance however she's currently dating a cunt well what the fuck are you doing
over our house
all right i'm back i guess my my recorder was almost filled up sorry about that
so now i had to
edit two things together as always as always making my life difficult um
anyways yeah so what
are you doing over this person's house she's dating somebody else anyway she he
goes he's a loser
no job still gets an allowance an expensive card that his mommy bought him sits
at home all day
playing video games getting stoned and treats people like he's above them she
knows i hate him and i openly
mock him um in front of our friends her and even him uh like he got her this
really generic but expensive
looking heart-shaped necklace um when she showed it to everyone i looked at him
and said loudly wow
must have cost your mom quite a big whatever that means as you can imagine he
tries to avoid me yeah
well you're being a fucking cunt uh we share the same friends and they hate him
and like me but mind
you i'm no prize either i'm trying to get a job unlike him oh jesus you don't
even have a fucking job
and i'm saving up for a car so our choices are two guys who don't have a job
and he has a rich mom
well there you go i tend to be nice a nice guy but can't at times piss people
off with my jokes and
even be a dick with my jokes you sound like you're being a dick i'm not saying
you are but you're being
a dick to this guy he's at least three inches taller than me and handsomer
better looking i guess he's
got this great smile that makes me want to fuck him up for well that makes me
want to fuck it up for
him but recently i've started to turn my life around quit beer porn and drugs
my grades are going up
applying for college working out a lot but all this in hopes of catching her
eye like i said she's my
best friend and has a boyfriend so i really don't know how to handle this any
help from you and neil
would be greatly appreciated uh yeah dude um i would start fishing in a
different watering hole
all right you know for you to sit there and stand there and be a cunt to her
boyfriend talking about
her boyfriend and you're going over that over her fucking house
it sounds to me like you're the you're you're as chris rock says you're in the
friend zone
so what you need what you need is you need some time away from her all right
move on with your
fucking life keep working out get your shit going and who knows you might just
meet somebody else
and then eventually when she dumps this loser she comes around and sees you oh
my god look at you
you're going to college you look great you've been working out you don't watch
porn who knows maybe
it'll happen but i can tell you it's definitely not going to happen if you're
just going to be her
friend and making snide remarks about her her boyfriend come on you got to be
better than that
that's just coming off like uh you know you're acting like a fucking you're
acting like a douche
and i don't know how else to put it um that's not a strong move
all right um and you should have more going on in your life than the fuck could
be
you know you should have more self-esteem than that all right okay she wants to
date this fucking guy
guess what it's her loss all right so fuck it get on with your life keep
working out
and work out for yourself go to college for yourself do all this shit for
yourself feel good about yourself
you start putting out more of a positive vibe as opposed to you know hanging
around her
shitting on her current boyfriend i mean that's just like i don't know that's
not a good look
okay i believe in you all right do what i just said or don't because i don't
have any professional training