Name: Bill Burr | "Billy Beach B'tchin Burr"
Uploaded: 2020-07-28T11:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | "Billy Beach B'tchin Burr"' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | "Billy Beach B'tchin Burr"' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-28. Transcript available.

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
july 19th oh sorry july 20th 2020 what's going on how are ya how are you um oh
oh i got a couple
of emails i got one that's really gonna get me going i almost want to read it
right out of the
fucking gate uh in fact i think i might just right out of the fucking gate is
this fucking idiot he
goes stop bitching about people going to the beach billy bitch uh billy beach
bitching burr congrats
on your new kid your quarantine experience just keeps getting better and better
you have a wife
who keeps your company and occasionally fucks you god knows why you have two
kids who love you and
need to and need to take care of you have a garage with a kit that you can jam
on without bothering
your neighbors and you can make money doing podcasts at home now let me tell
you about my situation see
this is what he really wanted to talk about i love how having a kid during a
fucking pandemic is this
wonderful thing
i probably took three years off of my life stressing out about what would
happen if if we go into the
hospital we get it are we going to be quarantined all of that i mean having a
kid yeah this is just
this is i'm just this is all young person shit you got a kid they're talking to
me like i just went out
picked up a fucking playstation uh jesus fucking christ yeah kid i need to take
care of yeah 24
fucking seven oh jesus christ yeah tell me how the world works there youngster
here we go now tell let
me tell you about my situation okay here we go cue the violins i'm a single guy
in my early 20s who
lives alone in the united states of america in an apartment with paper thin
walls oh no playing my
guitar with the amp on it all okay do you think i was never your age how old
are you i i i literally i
fought i slept on a futon till i was 36 go fuck yourself go fuck yourself i had
no wife no kids
i had a fucking futon i was living in a in a what did i have a studio that they
called a one bedroom
and they were fucking me on the rent and guess what i had paper thin walls and
i could hear the
arguments and smell the food so i don't know what you're talking about i
already paid those dues so
don't fucking talk to me like i leapfrogged this part of my life all right
moving ahead um i haven't
gotten laid in more than three months and by the way when your wife's in the
final trimester and and then
has a kid yeah you're not having sex okay that's just basically it all right
okay it says i haven't
gotten laid in more than three months because of this virus and i get lonely
spending all my time in
my shitty apartment oh poor baby oh i i feel so bad for you it's got it has to
be so hard it has to be
so fucking hard you can call up postmates he has 24 7 free porn sitting on his
fucking
dude and i'm not even saying don't go outside i'm just saying wear a fucking
mask
you dumb cunts that's it all right and to top it all up this is to top it all
up okay so he has food
he has shelter he has a guitar and an amp but he can't use the amp and he has
paper thin walls paper
thin everybody like if he leaned on them they'd literally fall down i mean to
top it all off we
have no clue when this shit is going to end gee i wonder why that is it could
be years
yeah if you keep going out without a mask if you're at risk you can get your
groceries delivered and wear a
mask but i don't need old fucks like you who have some going for them telling
me that i shouldn't be
going to bars in the beach see this guy right here you know what this guy is
this guy is a future banker
um or hopefully he's not a future banker or gets a job in a corporate office
um i i just i don't want to yeah i don't know you want to go out and kill
people's grandparents
because you can't play your guitar with it with an amp uh yeah it's selfish so
what it's worth the risk
uh what worth what risk
it's not worth the you're not making a risk you're young it's really not going
to affect
you when you don't give a shit uh i'd rather live a fun life with with a small
chance of illness
than be healthy and live a shitty depressing life go yourself sign the horny
kids of america
all right this guy right here is a lunatic first of all i love how he signs it
the horny
kids of america like he's speaking for all of them like they all said okay this
is what we want you to
say um all right dude well i mean i'm not going to waste my time trying to
convince you
not to go out and do that um i will bring up a couple of points here when we
say who knows when
this is going to end probably never with people like yourself out there
behaving the way you're behaving
however it probably could have been over in two two and a half months it could
have been
the middle of march beginning of june we could have already been back to normal
and we have to keep
hitting the reset button okay i don't think it's a hundred percent because of
young people i think
it's been politicized and all of that type of stuff so um i don't know it
sounds to me like you
have a awesome life you live near the beach you have a guitar an amp you have a
you have a apartment
i mean you're living the life dude i don't know what the problem is you got 24
7 free porn
i mean i i don't know what else do you need you got video games the level of
video games that you guys
have i mean you might as well be in the game but uh i i guess i feel your pain
i don't want to be that
grumpy old guy but um yeah that sounds like that's really tough man i don't
know i don't jesus i don't
know how you're you know i love how you just wrote me that email like i was
watching one of those old
sally strother commercials where i'm looking at starving kids in africa um
whatever go out go cough on an old person man do do what you want this is the
one thing though
you know if this thing does go however long it's gonna go uh you know in
whatever sort of country
is left after this where we've really showed ourselves like you know to win a
championship you
know you gotta have uh you know everybody's gotta buy in and all it takes is a
couple people in the
locker room not to buy in and you're not going to win anything and that's the
problem that we have
right now and this is the i don't think it's all young people um and i know
that kid was just sort of
breaking my balls but there is a certain level of responsibility that you're
supposed to be having
and you know listen if i was back living in my little uh you know studio that
they call the
fucking went bedroom those cunts i would definitely be going out of my mind way
more out of my mind
but i also wouldn't be married with two fucking kids i wouldn't be dealing with
that bullshit either so
it's sort of a trade-off i think i don't know but i will tell you that i would
not be
um i don't know how i was wired i would not have gone out and just been like
well hey
fuck it if i get this virus that could or could not you know mutate into
something more severe i
don't think i would just be like fuck it if i get it i get it i would like to
think i wouldn't but
maybe i'm this fucking old guy looking back and saying hey when i was your age
i was totally
responsible i i i wasn't so i don't know maybe you're right on some level but
dude can you just
at least try to stay six feet away from people can you at least do that bring
your fucking guitar down
to the goddamn it's not that people are going to the beach it's that they go to
the beach putting
the fucking blanket down right next to other people or all those lunatics out
there in astoria
queens having a street fair and nobody's wearing masks um i don't know i mean
if this it's if that's
i guess your way of clawing your way to the top by killing all the old people i
don't know and what
the fuck do i know i don't work for the cdc so i'm done you know what just do
whatever the
fuck you want to do um all i can say is just overall just a fucking
embarrassing showing this is just a
bad season um oh my god i mean it's like it's watching us trying to just get on
the same page
and and try and just you know i don't know why you just you wouldn't listen to
the doctors why you
listen to the news you know or politicians i don't know why you would do that
why don't you just listen
to the people who are actually working on it and uh the level of selfishness to
just if i get it i get
it and then like how tired are the people working at the hospitals and then you
go out and get it and
then you come in oh i'm american fix me um i'm not going to lie to you there
was a part of me that
wished that a more severe version of it came out and and started killing these
fucking idiots
not old people not people trying to live by the rules but these people who just
don't give a
shit um but then i was just like well then eventually they don't come and get
me so i i don't i don't root
for that so whatever buddy i mean if that's what you want to do um and i think
as long as there's
people like you doing what you're doing that then it could quite possibly take
two years so let's all
root for the scientists because evidently people can't you know two and a half
months that's all they
need two and a half months 60 70 days is all you needed and it's like trying to
put my daughter's
shoes on when she's in a bad mood something that should literally take like two
seconds ends up
taking like you know a seven minute meltdown so all right all right enjoy your
young life
yeah everybody but you and uh i just hope you drop that sort of outlook on life
if you actually get a job where you're managing people's money
or i don't know doing cosmetic dentist dentistry pulling out teeth that don't
need to be pulled out
because you want to get a jet ski um i don't know i don't know you but i don't
think you're a good
person maybe you are i don't know i have no idea i was kind of with you until
you said on behalf
when you acted like you were speaking for all these other people i'm like oh my
god
When are you running for president?
That seems to be the new thing.