Name: Bill Burr - FMTV | Bill & Nia: Attacked in Times Square
Uploaded: 2020-08-14T11:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Bill & Nia: Attacked in Times Square' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Bill & Nia: Attacked in Times Square' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-14. Transcript available.

I promised on Monday, I teased it, old school podcasting that I was going to
have the lovely
Nia on and she was going to talk about being a physically battered in Times
Square.
Well, as we've learned, assault is just the threat of violence.
Battery is actually carrying out the act.
Yeah, I know.
That's a weird fucking thing.
You know what I mean?
I was fucking assaulted.
I was attacked.
You were attacked, but you were battered.
Okay.
Yeah, because she made contact with me.
She made contact.
I thought she just pushed.
Here's the deal.
We was walking, minding our own business.
We got off the subway and we were going in Times Square a couple blocks up,
coming down
from the Upper West Side there, right?
And we got off on, what is it, 49th Street or something like that, 50th Street.
And we were walking down to Times Square.
And we had just, I was like, wow, there's a lot, look at all these fucking
people here.
Times Square was never this crowded.
So crowded.
Yeah.
It was crazy crowded.
And somebody I was with was like, no, it's always been this crowded.
It's like, no, it wasn't.
When I first moved here, this was all like porno shops and shady people.
And it was, it wasn't like this.
It wasn't an M&M store and a bunch of people going to go see the fucking Lion
King.
I love how you keep like saying this as if like you weren't here when all that
stuff
happened.
You were here when all that stuff started to change.
You're acting like you're like the narrator from fucking Taxi Driver or
something like,
oh, you know, this city is full of grit and grim.
It's like you were here when it was like cleaned up and touristy.
Why do you keep talking like you're-
Because it wasn't.
Like you're looking back on it like you're some, you know, 70s fucking grizzled
guy.
I'm not saying that.
It wasn't.
When we left here together, like-
When we left, I came here in 94.
I know, but like all that stuff had already like changed when we left, when we
moved to
LA.
So it's not like you weren't here for the M&M store and all the things that
have happened
since then.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't understand what you're saying.
When I came here-
I know, but you're also like, but you're acting like you came here and wow, I'm
back now and
it's so different.
You were here when all those changes were made.
This city turned, since we left, turned into a giant-
Yeah, 12 years ago?
Yeah, turned into a giant Bed Bath & Beyond.
But I feel like it was like that when we left.
No?
Am I crazy?
You're crazy.
Oh, okay.
No, I guess it wasn't that crowded because I used to work in Times Square when
I worked
at MTV and I don't remember it being that crazy.
I remember working there when the Naked Cowboy was still around.
Do you remember the Naked Cowboy?
Yeah, but even that was part of a sillier time.
I remember when I first came here, there was a Howard Johnson's in Times Square
with a payphone
that I sat on with a stack of fucking quarters or whatever the fuck it cost,
calling people,
cold calling people like I was in Glengarry Glen Ross trying to find a place
where I could have a room
in an apartment.
And they put me on hold.
Yeah, ba-da-ba-da.
You know, that's what it was.
And it was shady.
So, yeah.
And when all of a sudden there was a, you know, let's see, 94, 95.
I don't know when did the M&M store came in.
But it was somewhere they got Giuliani was just starting to clean it up.
Tomskin Square Park was just all fucking junkies.
I remember the M&M store being there when I was, when we were here.
I do remember the M&M store.
It just has always struck me funny that like an afterthought candy would
somehow get this spinoff
that became this huge hit.
It is fucked that it's a whole store.
I get the Hershey store, which is way smaller.
What do you mean?
M&M has always been in the game.
They have those commercials, that one that comes on every Christmas.
When Santa comes down, he's like, they are real.
Like, he is real.
And then he faints.
And then the yellow one goes, uh, Santa?
You know what this is, Nia?
This is the generation gap between you and me.
Oh, I always forget that sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Because I'm so emotionally mature?
Well, because you're so old and I just forget.
I forget you're a decade older than me.
That's right.
And I landed you.
I know.
You took the best years of my life.
Oh, Billy Grizzled Nuts.
Somehow ran you down.
Caught you sleeping at the fucking water hole there in the Serengeti.
I really screwed up, didn't I?
I did.
I pulled you in the deep water.
So anyway, are we going to talk about my assault and battery?
Wait.
Wait.
Assault and battery.
How about that?
You got battered first and then she assaulted you with her words.
I mean, whatever the fuck it was.
I don't.
Dude, I'm not a lawyer.
All right.
I get so, like, upset thinking about it.
I got one microphone, so you got to come.
So we're walking.
So we're walking down there and I'm remembering my fucking New York and you're
like, oh, you
were here when the fucking came here.
This all used to be peep shows and homeless people pissing in the garbage can.
There's an 80-year-old person saying the same thing and you'd give them shit.
Well, you were here when the M&M store came.
What the fuck does that mean?
No.
From the 80-year-old person, I'd be like, yeah, sure.
But I just feel like you're doing this, like, weird, like, New York beat.
But you were here longer before.
No, this is you just shitting on me for no fucking reason at all.
I'm literally telling you my fucking experience.
Why is your shirt open?
Like, five buttons at the top.
What's going on right now?
Because I was going to change into a T-shirt and then I said, oh, fuck, I got
to do this
podcast because they're going to come to pick me up.
You look like a Florida DJ or, like, I don't know what it is.
It's a hot one out there, folks.
And I got the tunes to cool you off.
This is Cooling the Gang with fucking stick your balls in some ice there.
All right.
Dumb mustache.
All right.
Dumb mustache is fucking paying for a bill.
Yeah, it is, baby.
All right.
Someone on you give Starsky a little hutch over here every once in a while.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
So we get off.
And evidently, I am waxing poetically, as you like to say, about, I don't know
what.
I mean, I literally, I went to the fucking peep shows.
I'm not going to say with the comedians.
We first came, we took the bus down.
We got off at the Port Authority.
It was, it was the dirtiest fucking grossest place ever.
But literally every single time you talk about Times Square, you're like, I
remember when
it used to be this.
And now there's an M&M store.
It's just like, we get it.
Every time?
You're old.
Yes, every time Times Square comes up, you're like, they got the M&M store down
there.
I mean, what is going on?
It's like every single time you say that.
I just think it's a funny store.
I guess I got to wait.
I don't, let's get back to the fact that they have their own fucking store.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
I mean, I'm not trying to disrespect them.
I'm not trying to disrespect them like they're on the level of Kit Kat, but
they're not Hershey.
Hershey was like the greatest generation, World War II.
Are you saying that Kit Kat is like below, like one of the lower rung candies?
Because I strongly object to that.
Listen, who's kidding who?
All right.
Who is kidding who?
All right.
Like, how do I, if we were going to put it into like a band.
Okay.
All right.
Who's going to be at the top, you're saying?
Yeah, if you're going to say like, this band is a derivative of that band, or
they're
a wannabe this band.
M&M's, they're like, they're this weird sort of like, I don't know what kind of
band
there.
I don't want to shit on anybody.
I can't believe you're about to try, you're trying to find a reason to trash M&M.
They're like the old school, like they are like the consistent, the consistent
top.
They are, but are they worthy of a, the store's like three floors high and you
walk through
Times Square and you always see somebody with those fucking yellow bags.
It's like, what the fuck are you buying?
You can get M&M's at a fucking deli.
But they also have the merch.
They have like the plushies of all the M&M characters that are in the
commercials.
Don't ever say plushies again.
Okay.
They have merch.
Okay.
And then they have like shirts and then they have like M&M, like cookies with M&M's
in
it and brownies with it.
Like, it's like everything having to do with M&M's that you could like.
Yeah.
They sold out.
Okay.
Well.
Hershey's consistent.
Hershey's just fucking the candy bar, the kisses.
They got a nice modest fucking store in Times Square.
Hershey just totally fucking sold out.
M&M's you mean?
M&M's.
Sorry.
M&M's.
Are they not a part of the same company?
We should probably do our research on that because they might be like the same
company.
God, first of all, don't do research.
Isn't everything owned by like three different fucking people?
That fucking pedophile with his own goddamn island, he probably owns them,
right?
Yeah.
Come on, you're not going to roll with me with the pedophile billionaire?
No.
With his own island?
I hope he fucking gets killed and burns in hell.
And then what?
That's all I got.
And they put him out.
That's it.
They light him on fire again.
That's right.
That fucking jackass pretended to kill himself so he could get out of fucking
jail.
Exactly.
I feel like he's going to get to hell and the devil's going to be like, oh, no.
No, no, no.
There's a worse place for you.
Anyway, so getting back to Times Square and my story.
So we're walking by the M&M's store and I'm like, what the fuck?
And we're just walking and I'm, you're walking with another buddy of mine and I'm
a few back
and I just see this woman, this black woman comes up and just fucking, I
thought she just
pushed you in the shoulder.
And what I didn't realize is she did a half-ass hammer fist that hit the side
of your neck.
Yeah.
What she went, what I think she was trying to do actually is that she was
trying to hit
me in the face.
I think she had her palm open, right?
And she stuck it out.
And I think because I turned my head to talk to our friend or the way that I
was walking,
she ended up getting me in the neck.
But she was just going to hit me in the face and keep going, you know?
Or I mean, I don't know.
I guess she thought I was going to.
No, she wanted to fight you.
So she hit, so she got me in the neck and I went, what the fuck?
And I went, did you just hit me?
And she goes, yeah, bitch.
What bitch?
What bit?
And just got all in my face.
And at first I'm thinking.
No, she didn't.
What?
She didn't get in your face.
What do you mean?
You don't remember the bald fucking jerk off in between the two of you?
Before that happened, though, I was like, did you just hit me?
Can I tell my fucking story?
Like, why am I on here to listen to you talk about how you like, you know, don't
like M&M's?
I'm the M&M candy that came to life and got in between you and that fucking lunatic.
But at first, like, she hit me and I went, did you just hit me?
And she goes, yeah, bitch.
And at first I'm thinking, did I accidentally bump into her?
And now she's like upset.
And then that literally lasted two seconds.
And then I got fucking heated and I started, like, cursing at her.
Then, yes, then you were in between.
And I don't even remember what I said to her.
I was just like, fuck you, bitch.
Let's go.
Or whatever it was I said.
Because I did a quick scan of her and I was like, oh, she's, like, 98 pounds
soaking wet.
Like, I can take her.
This is easy.
She had, like, this blue wig on.
She was skinny as a rail.
I was like, I'm going to fucking beat this bitch up.
And then you were in between us and we're going back and forth and going back
and forth.
And then finally I'm like, I'm not actually going to fight this girl.
Like, am I really going to get into a physical fight in Times Square and, like,
broad ass daylight and fight?
Like, I'm not going to fight this girl.
I'm a mother.
Like, I had to come back to myself and remember who I am.
And you were screaming at her.
I don't remember that part.
I remember.
This is how I remember it.
I'm talking about what's going on inside of me internally.
Okay?
She fucking, I was like, what the fuck?
And then she turned around and I was like, oh, shit.
So I got in between the two of you.
And at first you were like, what the fuck?
And she's like, what, bitch?
And then I felt you get mad.
And I was like, oh, no.
And I could feel you coming back.
And in my head, I'm thinking, Nia, leave.
Leave.
And then the two of you, I was like the security on a fucking reality show.
And she kept starting to walk away.
And then you'd say something.
And then she'd come back doing, like, the mock charge, like the fucking
elephant.
And she's like, I'm going to beat you up.
I'm going to kick your ass.
And I was like, let's go.
Come on, bitch.
I just, I don't know.
I don't know.
Yes.
I was out of myself.
Yes.
I was on an episode of the Real Housewives of Times Square.
She got me.
I was so fucking mad.
I was like, how fucking dare you?
How dare you?
And I just got so mad.
I was like, I'm going to rip this bitch's face off.
Right.
And all I'm thinking is, this is a woman and I can't hit her.
And she keeps coming up.
And that was always the hardest part.
Was when she would do the mock charge.
Because she's so nuts.
She didn't even fucking really see me.
You know what I mean?
You know, she's so fucking dialed in on you.
I had to put my hands up.
It's like, I can't hit her in the face.
There are her titties.
She fucking weighed no fucking nothing.
What could I, you know?
What am I supposed to do?
Find that fucking abdomen in her fucking left shoulder?
So I don't know.
You should have.
You should have.
I wish.
I got to be honest with you.
I kind of wish.
I was so mad.
I wanted to fucking rip.
I just wanted to tear her limb from me.
I know.
I kind of wish one time when I pushed her back, I accidentally mushed her in
the face.
But Nia, you have to understand that that's, you know.
Because I don't know if you've noticed, there was a bunch of fucking people
there just watch.
It just beats entertainment.
They don't care.
And I remember there was like kids walking around and stuff.
And I'm like, I can't get into a fight with this girl in Times Square.
And there's kids and families and tourists around.
And you know, as soon as we actually had made contact, her and I, people would
have brought
out their phones and it would have been a whole fucking thing.
No, that was not going to happen.
I was not going to allow that.
I was not going to allow that.
I just had to be in between the two of you, hoping she was continuing to mock
her.
And then I finally realized that she wasn't going to leave.
So then I just barked at her like a dog.
Yeah, you were like, leave, bitch.
What did you say?
And you kept going, fuck you, fuck you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My usual.
Your mother, your mother, your mother to you.
Your mother, your mother.
No, she never talked to me.
She was dialed.
She didn't even see me.
She was fucking crazy.
And then she said when she walked away, that's why your mother died, bitch.
And I was like, okay.
No, no, she's going, your mother, your mother.
That's why your mother's dead.
And I was like, oh, she's fucking crazy.
She's just nuts.
Yeah.
Like she's like on drugs or something.
And then that was the end of it.
That's the Times Square that I remember.
I was actually feeling nostalgic in the middle of all of that.
Well, you, you know, I hope the Photoshop guy has you with an Eminem bag and me
dressed
like taxi driver getting in between on a reality show.
There's a lot to work with this week.
Yeah, that was.
I'm going to tell you this.
I'm very happy that you didn't fight her.
And I am very happy that the whole thing went away.
But there is a part of me that wishes I picked her up and body slammed her into
the trash.
Same.
If you hadn't, for whatever reason, gotten in between us, we would have
actually fought.
Because it was when you got between us and you were barking at it, I was like,
what am I doing?
Stop.
And Nia has gotten physical with me numerous times in this relationship.
And I can tell you without a doubt, unless that woman had a boxcar, she would
have lost.
That would have been, I don't know, you had your braids, right?
That, I don't know, she might have, if she grabbed you, that's the equalizer in
a chick fight.
That would have been hard, but I still would have found, I would have, I would
still, I would think,
would have like rammed her like a bull.
Even if she's grabbing my, I would think that I would just run towards her and
she would tuffle over.
You fight dirty, Nia.
You go dirty.
Oh, I fight so dirty.
So I would have been.
No rules.
You're like blood sport.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I literally, at one point in our relationship said, Nia, if you hit me again in
an argument, I'm breaking up with you.
Do you remember that?
I do remember that.
And you never did it again.
Although one time you threw my laundry at me.
This big anticlimactic, because it was a bunch of socks and you went to throw
them at me and I was too far away.
And they got three quarters of the way.
And then they just sort of, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Because you used all that fabric softener.
I don't remember that.
I do.
We were in the living room of that fucking apartment we had.
You're fabric softener.
Huh?
I don't even know what that means.
Well, anyway.
But our, our, our friend, our friend was saying to me, he was like, look at you
to me, because I went after her.
I was like, yeah, well, I, I, I can't actually get into a physical fight with
somebody.
That's ridiculous.
But my adrenaline was going and I was ready to fight.
And then.
Oh, this is the greatest part.
And then.
Oh, my God.
We're leaving where we were leaving.
Yeah.
We were going, went to the, it was the night I was going down to open for Chappelle
and the power outage happened.
So now we're all walking.
We're walking through fucking Times Square as everybody's getting let out of
these shows on the half of Broadway that didn't, uh, that wasn't lit up.
And we're walking through and there had to be, you know, felt like a million
people in Times Square.
And who the fuck did we see again?
It's that crazy bitch.
Crazy blue haired lady.
It's a crazy bitch.
And I was like, what the fuck?
Because at this, now I actually got a little scared because I'm like, is she
stalking me?
Is she waiting for me?
Like, what is really going on?
But she was walking through the crowd.
She was walking in the opposite direction.
She didn't even remember it, Nia.
I guarantee you she didn't even remember it.
And she was so out of it that if I walked up to her and said, hey, which way is
the subway?
She would, she would have no recollection.
She was, she was completely out of it.
And, you know, my kinder side wants to be like, you know, who knows if she's
living on the street, if she's on drugs, who knows what's happened to her.
But, you know, if you come for me physically, like, I have no sympathy for you.
And I'm, I'm going to try to rip your head off.
So that started like great pay-per-view trash talk.
What do you mean?
Because you started, because if you come for me, I'm like, this is going to be
epic.
If you come for me, then, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that.
And I'm going to, hey, man, that's just like your opinion, man.
That's just like your opinion, man.
Yeah, well, that was that.
So I've never, in all the years that I lived here, I had never once gotten, you
know, physically assaulted or attacked or touched or anything like that.
That was the first time it ever happened.
And it was in Times Square, like of all places with a million people around.
But she was nuts.
And, yeah, she just saw me and just was, just went after me.
It's just so funny that you say in Times Square of all places, because the
Times Square that I remember.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Bill Burr - FMTV | Bill & Nia: Attacked in Times Square

I promised on Monday, I teased it, old school podcasting that I was going to
have the lovely
Nia on and she was going to talk about being a physically battered in Times
Square.
Well, as we've learned, assault is just the threat of violence.
Battery is actually carrying out the act.
Yeah, I know.
That's a weird fucking thing.
You know what I mean?
I was fucking assaulted.
I was attacked.
You were attacked, but you were battered.
Okay.
Yeah, because she made contact with me.
She made contact.
I thought she just pushed.
Here's the deal.
We was walking, minding our own business.
We got off the subway and we were going in Times Square a couple blocks up,
coming down
from the Upper West Side there, right?
And we got off on, what is it, 49th Street or something like that, 50th Street.
And we were walking down to Times Square.
And we had just, I was like, wow, there's a lot, look at all these fucking
people here.
Times Square was never this crowded.
So crowded.
Yeah.
It was crazy crowded.
And somebody I was with was like, no, it's always been this crowded.
It's like, no, it wasn't.
When I first moved here, this was all like porno shops and shady people.
And it was, it wasn't like this.
It wasn't an M&M store and a bunch of people going to go see the fucking Lion
King.
I love how you keep like saying this as if like you weren't here when all that
stuff
happened.
You were here when all that stuff started to change.
You're acting like you're like the narrator from fucking Taxi Driver or
something like,
oh, you know, this city is full of grit and grim.
It's like you were here when it was like cleaned up and touristy.
Why do you keep talking like you're-
Because it wasn't.
Like you're looking back on it like you're some, you know, 70s fucking grizzled
guy.
I'm not saying that.
It wasn't.
When we left here together, like-
When we left, I came here in 94.
I know, but like all that stuff had already like changed when we left, when we
moved to
LA.
So it's not like you weren't here for the M&M store and all the things that
have happened
since then.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't understand what you're saying.
When I came here-
I know, but you're also like, but you're acting like you came here and wow, I'm
back now and
it's so different.
You were here when all those changes were made.
This city turned, since we left, turned into a giant-
Yeah, 12 years ago?
Yeah, turned into a giant Bed Bath & Beyond.
But I feel like it was like that when we left.
No?
Am I crazy?
You're crazy.
Oh, okay.
No, I guess it wasn't that crowded because I used to work in Times Square when
I worked
at MTV and I don't remember it being that crazy.
I remember working there when the Naked Cowboy was still around.
Do you remember the Naked Cowboy?
Yeah, but even that was part of a sillier time.
I remember when I first came here, there was a Howard Johnson's in Times Square
with a payphone
that I sat on with a stack of fucking quarters or whatever the fuck it cost,
calling people,
cold calling people like I was in Glengarry Glen Ross trying to find a place
where I could have a room
in an apartment.
And they put me on hold.
Yeah, ba-da-ba-da.
You know, that's what it was.
And it was shady.
So, yeah.
And when all of a sudden there was a, you know, let's see, 94, 95.
I don't know when did the M&M store came in.
But it was somewhere they got Giuliani was just starting to clean it up.
Tomskin Square Park was just all fucking junkies.
I remember the M&M store being there when I was, when we were here.
I do remember the M&M store.
It just has always struck me funny that like an afterthought candy would
somehow get this spinoff
that became this huge hit.
It is fucked that it's a whole store.
I get the Hershey store, which is way smaller.
What do you mean?
M&M has always been in the game.
They have those commercials, that one that comes on every Christmas.
When Santa comes down, he's like, they are real.
Like, he is real.
And then he faints.
And then the yellow one goes, uh, Santa?
You know what this is, Nia?
This is the generation gap between you and me.
Oh, I always forget that sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
Because I'm so emotionally mature?
Well, because you're so old and I just forget.
I forget you're a decade older than me.
That's right.
And I landed you.
I know.
You took the best years of my life.
Oh, Billy Grizzled Nuts.
Somehow ran you down.
Caught you sleeping at the fucking water hole there in the Serengeti.
I really screwed up, didn't I?
I did.
I pulled you in the deep water.
So anyway, are we going to talk about my assault and battery?
Wait.
Wait.
Assault and battery.
How about that?
You got battered first and then she assaulted you with her words.
I mean, whatever the fuck it was.
I don't.
Dude, I'm not a lawyer.
All right.
I get so, like, upset thinking about it.
I got one microphone, so you got to come.
So we're walking.
So we're walking down there and I'm remembering my fucking New York and you're
like, oh, you
were here when the fucking came here.
This all used to be peep shows and homeless people pissing in the garbage can.
There's an 80-year-old person saying the same thing and you'd give them shit.
Well, you were here when the M&M store came.
What the fuck does that mean?
No.
From the 80-year-old person, I'd be like, yeah, sure.
But I just feel like you're doing this, like, weird, like, New York beat.
But you were here longer before.
No, this is you just shitting on me for no fucking reason at all.
I'm literally telling you my fucking experience.
Why is your shirt open?
Like, five buttons at the top.
What's going on right now?
Because I was going to change into a T-shirt and then I said, oh, fuck, I got
to do this
podcast because they're going to come to pick me up.
You look like a Florida DJ or, like, I don't know what it is.
It's a hot one out there, folks.
And I got the tunes to cool you off.
This is Cooling the Gang with fucking stick your balls in some ice there.
All right.
Dumb mustache.
All right.
Dumb mustache is fucking paying for a bill.
Yeah, it is, baby.
All right.
Someone on you give Starsky a little hutch over here every once in a while.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
So we get off.
And evidently, I am waxing poetically, as you like to say, about, I don't know
what.
I mean, I literally, I went to the fucking peep shows.
I'm not going to say with the comedians.
We first came, we took the bus down.
We got off at the Port Authority.
It was, it was the dirtiest fucking grossest place ever.
But literally every single time you talk about Times Square, you're like, I
remember when
it used to be this.
And now there's an M&M store.
It's just like, we get it.
Every time?
You're old.
Yes, every time Times Square comes up, you're like, they got the M&M store down
there.
I mean, what is going on?
It's like every single time you say that.
I just think it's a funny store.
I guess I got to wait.
I don't, let's get back to the fact that they have their own fucking store.
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
I mean, I'm not trying to disrespect them.
I'm not trying to disrespect them like they're on the level of Kit Kat, but
they're not Hershey.
Hershey was like the greatest generation, World War II.
Are you saying that Kit Kat is like below, like one of the lower rung candies?
Because I strongly object to that.
Listen, who's kidding who?
All right.
Who is kidding who?
All right.
Like, how do I, if we were going to put it into like a band.
Okay.
All right.
Who's going to be at the top, you're saying?
Yeah, if you're going to say like, this band is a derivative of that band, or
they're
a wannabe this band.
M&M's, they're like, they're this weird sort of like, I don't know what kind of
band
there.
I don't want to shit on anybody.
I can't believe you're about to try, you're trying to find a reason to trash M&M.
They're like the old school, like they are like the consistent, the consistent
top.
They are, but are they worthy of a, the store's like three floors high and you
walk through
Times Square and you always see somebody with those fucking yellow bags.
It's like, what the fuck are you buying?
You can get M&M's at a fucking deli.
But they also have the merch.
They have like the plushies of all the M&M characters that are in the
commercials.
Don't ever say plushies again.
Okay.
They have merch.
Okay.
And then they have like shirts and then they have like M&M, like cookies with M&M's
in
it and brownies with it.
Like, it's like everything having to do with M&M's that you could like.
Yeah.
They sold out.
Okay.
Well.
Hershey's consistent.
Hershey's just fucking the candy bar, the kisses.
They got a nice modest fucking store in Times Square.
Hershey just totally fucking sold out.
M&M's you mean?
M&M's.
Sorry.
M&M's.
Are they not a part of the same company?
We should probably do our research on that because they might be like the same
company.
God, first of all, don't do research.
Isn't everything owned by like three different fucking people?
That fucking pedophile with his own goddamn island, he probably owns them,
right?
Yeah.
Come on, you're not going to roll with me with the pedophile billionaire?
No.
With his own island?
I hope he fucking gets killed and burns in hell.
And then what?
That's all I got.
And they put him out.
That's it.
They light him on fire again.
That's right.
That fucking jackass pretended to kill himself so he could get out of fucking
jail.
Exactly.
I feel like he's going to get to hell and the devil's going to be like, oh, no.
No, no, no.
There's a worse place for you.
Anyway, so getting back to Times Square and my story.
So we're walking by the M&M's store and I'm like, what the fuck?
And we're just walking and I'm, you're walking with another buddy of mine and I'm
a few back
and I just see this woman, this black woman comes up and just fucking, I
thought she just
pushed you in the shoulder.
And what I didn't realize is she did a half-ass hammer fist that hit the side
of your neck.
Yeah.
What she went, what I think she was trying to do actually is that she was
trying to hit
me in the face.
I think she had her palm open, right?
And she stuck it out.
And I think because I turned my head to talk to our friend or the way that I
was walking,
she ended up getting me in the neck.
But she was just going to hit me in the face and keep going, you know?
Or I mean, I don't know.
I guess she thought I was going to.
No, she wanted to fight you.
So she hit, so she got me in the neck and I went, what the fuck?
And I went, did you just hit me?
And she goes, yeah, bitch.
What bitch?
What bit?
And just got all in my face.
And at first I'm thinking.
No, she didn't.
What?
She didn't get in your face.
What do you mean?
You don't remember the bald fucking jerk off in between the two of you?
Before that happened, though, I was like, did you just hit me?
Can I tell my fucking story?
Like, why am I on here to listen to you talk about how you like, you know, don't
like M&M's?
I'm the M&M candy that came to life and got in between you and that fucking lunatic.
But at first, like, she hit me and I went, did you just hit me?
And she goes, yeah, bitch.
And at first I'm thinking, did I accidentally bump into her?
And now she's like upset.
And then that literally lasted two seconds.
And then I got fucking heated and I started, like, cursing at her.
Then, yes, then you were in between.
And I don't even remember what I said to her.
I was just like, fuck you, bitch.
Let's go.
Or whatever it was I said.
Because I did a quick scan of her and I was like, oh, she's, like, 98 pounds
soaking wet.
Like, I can take her.
This is easy.
She had, like, this blue wig on.
She was skinny as a rail.
I was like, I'm going to fucking beat this bitch up.
And then you were in between us and we're going back and forth and going back
and forth.
And then finally I'm like, I'm not actually going to fight this girl.
Like, am I really going to get into a physical fight in Times Square and, like,
broad ass daylight and fight?
Like, I'm not going to fight this girl.
I'm a mo