Name: Bill Burr | "I'm 38, She's 19"
Uploaded: 2020-09-09T19:54:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | "I'm 38, She's 19"' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | "I'm 38, She's 19"' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-09. Transcript available.

all right i'm 38 she's 19 oh jesus and pregnant oh jesus christ
jesus christ all right when you were banging her were you still wearing your
high school
football jacket that you can't button anymore
oh god all right hey old billy bloodnut uh josh here from sydney australia oh
one of my favorite
fucking countries out there i love australia i've been there in forever um i
need the advice of the
world's greatest copper wire pubes owner well that would be me um i'm a 38 year
old man who's been
seeing a 19 year old stunner stunner um all right well i don't know what the uh
that would be frowned
upon here you know i mean people did it i mean people always made fun of that
shit all right i
don't know i don't know how it works over there all right we met at the gym i'll
never forget the
day she walked in the second i saw her my heart skipped a beat as she put down
her book bag i'm
kidding my heart skipped a beat and i froze amazing face fuck me eyes tiny
waist and a fat ass that hips
thrust 200 kilograms jesus this guy is a fucking creep um i've never had a
problem speaking with
women to be honest i've fucked roughly 1000 women in my years with a few
serious relationships in between
you've had serious relationships wow fucking a thousand you must have been
fucking those women
right through those relationships uh i couldn't even say hello to this girl for
three months the whole
time i thought she was 26 um i changed gyms for a week and every day all day
within that week i felt
like it would be my life's regret if i didn't say hello i swallowed my fears
probably from building her
up in my head that three months and went back to the gym and finally said hello
hello her response
was the same as my energy she had been waiting for me to say hello that whole
time uh the next day we went
for dinner and cocktails i found out she she was 19 an influencer with over 200
000 follower pretty good
for an aussie chick and had been living between sydney and la for a couple of
years needless to say
using the words of the great dave chapelle i beat the pussy up you know i gotta
get you know i gotta tip
my cap to how unfiltered this guy is murphy's law has it that she falls
pregnant
i don't think that's murphy's law buddy i think that's the law of nature if you
don't wear a condom
and she's not barren and you fucking bust in her yeah that that could happen
that's not murphy's law
dude let's not blame the irish for this one too all right we came to uh to the
decision not to go
through with it over the weeks she went to scans so they can determine dates
and when to do the deed
over the time that time she grew attached to the pregnancy by seeing the
heartbeat yeah and the
pictures exactly and ultimately decided to keep it well good for her um over
the weeks in that meantime
i struggled with the age difference oh now you struggle with the age do you
have a fucking struggle
when you have fucking busted a nutner the major reason being i have a five-year-old
son to one woman and an
18 year old daughter to another this guy is a fucking piece of work uh they're
the same age
your older daughter yeah it's the same age uh billy big balls what the fuck do
i do
well there's nothing you can do you gotta because my daughter doesn't know well
you gotta tell her
i've told my besties and they're they're all like bro you're the king this is
just reading like this
isn't real i i they didn't go like bro you just fucked your life uh but i feel
like a dud and a bad
father um i'd say you definitely have some sort of issues you might want to go
to therapy if this is true
and see why you're banging a thousand women and fucking you got a five-year-old
with this one an
18 year old that one now you're gonna have one with this 19 year old um yeah i
would definitely say
you got some sort of commitment issues or something i don't know what but it's
gonna cost you if you
were in my country dude you'd be fucking broke uh if my daughter was seeing a
dude my age it would be
the last day she saw him alive okay so
all right so so are you acknowledging that you were a bit of a dirtbag here
uh but goddamn what would a bald emaciated viking like yourself do
uh i would raise that kid and i'd start wearing a fucking condom is what i
would do stay blessed
stay healthy stay being awesome everyday listener to something of your work for
years now yeah buddy uh
listen dude you got to get your dick under control your dick is fucking your
life up uh you don't have
control over it and your dick is deciding what you're going to do rather than
your brain because
if you looked at all of that on paper if you talk to the younger you now i know
you love your kids and
everything okay didn't you you wanted to find i don't think that you wanted to
have a bunch of kids
with a bunch of different women um i mean that makes it really difficult but i
mean it is your life
so what i would do is i would man up to what you did i would tell my daughters
about it i'd go to
therapy if you feel if you agree with what i'm saying i would start wearing a
condom
um and uh you know i try to
get with women my own age or within reason you know what i mean i mean okay i'll
go with the fact
you thought she was 26 but when you found out she was 19 not only do you still
go oh you i guess you
found on a date you still bang her you bust a nut in her i mean those were you
know what's the nicest
way of saying really fucking stupid moves um yeah buddy what are you doing man
i'm getting stress
reading this whole fucking thing um yeah so that's what i would do i mean you
just got it you gotta
you gotta raise this kid is what you gotta do i would i don't know where you're
now soon to be
three kids live i would pick an apartment right in the middle of all of them
and i would dedicate
the next 20 years of my life to making sure that five-year-old and that your
new kid
um don't have daddy issues so they don't go to a gym and bang some 38 year old
without a fucking
condom all right good luck to you brother
you