Name: Bill Burr | You Are Probably Not Great
Uploaded: 2020-09-30T11:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | You Are Probably Not Great' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | You Are Probably Not Great' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-30. Transcript available.

I got questions here to answer.
The lovely Nia just popped in.
How are you, sweetheart?
How are you?
How are you?
Hi, how are you?
I'm awesome.
All right.
Response to question about scientists getting pussy.
Every email from this scientist said,
no, there are no science groupies.
Scientists don't get pussy.
This one is saying the opposite.
All right.
So that's from Andrew.
All right.
Physicists get pussy.
Hey, Bill, new listener here.
In your September 14th, Monday morning podcast,
you were speculating about whether scientists have groupies or not.
I laughed out loud because, yes, they do.
All right.
I want to know about this world.
And do the chicks that you get,
do they have their hair up in a ponytail,
and they're wearing black framed glasses,
and then later on that night,
they let down the ponytail,
and you take their glasses off,
and you do a makeover?
It's like, wow, wait a minute.
You're actually the best-looking girl at the fucking mall.
Sorry.
Every coming-to-age movie was like that.
And I was surprised to learn that myself,
I was surprised to learn that myself.
I work at a university with a really,
well, listen,
if you're fucking teaching a class,
any dumb blonde's going to blow you to try to pass, right?
Isn't that how it works, Nia?
Bill.
I work at a university with a really big physicist department,
physics department, sorry.
You can tell I was not in that wing in college.
I don't even know if my college had a science.
We didn't.
We didn't have a science department.
The place is populated with greasy-haired introverts
who smile spasmatically with half their mouths
and can only maintain eye contact with you
for 0.25 seconds per social encounter.
There are some normal guys, too.
There are even a few slick, confident guys.
All right, so you got the full range,
but most of them are sort of introverted people.
They feel more comfortable looking down a microscope,
into a microscope, whatever you say,
rather than looking at another person.
Over the last decade,
I've seen these dudes have crazy affairs.
Oh, wow.
Divorce and remarry,
have administrative meetings called about them
because of their scandalous behavior,
blah, blah, blah.
And the women are hot.
The only difference between the world of sports
and this one
is that women start with master's degrees.
Wow.
Yes, Bill, I know what you're thinking.
You don't.
This is, I'm blown away.
How hot are these physics groupies?
Well, I'm an outsider to their world,
the same way you are to the groupies
clamoring to get to the Clippers players,
or whoever the fuck.
I can objectively state
that there are many women who are hot
by any straight man's standards
in that scene.
In that scene, sorry.
And they're all intelligent
and highly educated, too.
Wow.
Well, yeah, well,
I think if you're a really smart chick,
how long could you be around some fucking moron?
I'm not saying that athletes are morons.
There's another stereotype.
See people, we're breaking it down.
What's that?
I said 17 years, apparently.
We haven't been together for 17 years.
Almost.
16.
17 years I've been with you?
17 years.
Did Dak Prescott just throw another fucking touchdown?
That Gallup guy again.
There you go.
Ground can't cause a fumble.
He broke the plane.
No flags in the plague.
I love it.
What are they,
looking at it over and over again
to see if he,
uh,
is that a touchdown?
Yeah, that's got to be a touchdown.
All right, sorry.
Back to the, uh,
scientist pussy here.
Groupies.
I guess the point is
that if you excel at anything,
there are women out there
who will notice.
Good genes, right?
That's right.
Yeah, if you're a hot chick,
what are you gonna fucking bang a loser?
Well,
my wife did.
Oh!
See, I beat you to the punch.
And physics beauty,
physical beauty,
is just as important
to these guys
as it is to any other chump,
of course.
So the women
courting the top tier
of scientists are hot.
But to stick the landing,
they have to be able
to hold their own
in a conversation too.
So basically,
it's another level.
Uh,
I'm not in it.
I'm good looking and charming,
but I don't have a shot.
Well, not with that attitude.
These women are interested
in the physics superstars,
nothing less.
Sincerely,
anonymous fellow
who please don't mention my name
so I don't lose my job.
Thanks.
I never would.
I would never mention a name
for something like that.
Um,
okay,
first of all,
that was all very educational.
And second of all,
there's no reason
why you can't go out
and get the top level
science,
scientist groupie pussy.
All right?
You got to think
more positive.
All right?
Maybe you got to have
a little fucking
end zone dance,
except a microscope dance
after you fucking
discover something.
I don't know what it is.
Or just hang out
with the physics superstar.
You know?
You'll get their runoff.
Still got to be like
an eight, right?
It's not bad.
I don't know.
Neil,
where would you classify
yourself as?
What do you mean?
Like one through ten.
Where would you put yourself?
I mean,
to me,
you're a ten.
Ten.
You're a ten?
Yeah.
Well,
you know what?
Now you just became
a nine to me.
Why?
You lose a point
for arrogance.
For confidence.
It's not arrogance.
It's confidence.
No,
it's arrogance.
No,
it isn't.
What are you to say
if it's arrogance or not?
Who are you to say
that I'm...
I'm like,
I guess I'm like a five.
I didn't say five.
You could have been
humbled and said nine.
You're like,
what the hell
did I marry?
You can start talking
about yourself
in the third point person.
Listen,
Nia spent her whole
life being humbled.
Now Nia's ready
to tell the world
how awesome she is.
All right then.
She's a ten
and she knows it.
All right.
If I was an insecure person,
I would have you
stop listening to Beyonce.
I don't like what
she's filling your head up with.
Or does she even do that?
She just says
she's the shit, right?
And then you guys are like,
yeah,
that's how I feel
about myself.
Oh,
that reminds me
last night.
I asked people
in the crowd
if they felt
they'd ever accomplished
anything great.
And all I heard
was women voices
going,
yes,
so I said
to this woman
in the crowd,
she was in her 20s,
beautiful woman.
I said,
what have you done?
She goes,
I'm a head chef.
And I was like,
all right.
I worked in a restaurant too.
You weren't a head chef though.
I know,
but is that great?
Yeah.
That's great.
To become a head chef
at a restaurant?
Hey Nia,
it's not going to rain tomorrow.
Isn't that great?
It's that kind of great.
No,
that requires skill.
You're talking about
the weather.
All right.
You're just a dumb
fucking dummy.
Why are you so dumb?
Well,
I don't know.
I look at you,
you're so dumb.
But wait a minute.
But wait a minute.
But Michael Jordan's great.
Uh-huh.
So if I became a head chef,
I can be like,
hey,
Michael Jordan,
you know,
as great as you are
as a basketball player,
I'm also great.
Who's comparing themselves
to Michael Jordan?
Well,
the way,
the question I was asking,
it's like,
I have,
like,
greatness.
And she was a head chef somewhere
and she was saying
that she was great
because of that.
I agree with her.
Good for her.
I disagree 100%.
Why?
Based on what?
Based on Michael Jordan.
You can't compare
everyone with Michael Jordan.
Based on the greatest chefs.
Based on that guy we saw.
Based on that guy we saw
making the fucking pasta.
Michael Jordan is like
a freak of nature.
No one can ever be
as great as Michael Jordan.
That's why people
gotta stop saying great.
They gotta stop saying
they're great
because they're not.
Oh,
that's so stupid.
That's so,
again,
I just,
I'm baffled.
Do you know what's funny
about that,
Nia?
Is people give me shit
because I say anyways
instead of anyway.
Anyways.
That's dumb.
It's ignorant.
Correct?
Why?
No.
To say anyways
instead of anyway?
Yeah,
anyways.
People say anyway all the time.
That doesn't mean you're dumb.
What are these standards
that people are holding
other people to?
The standards.
Standards of greatness.
Standards of using grammar correctly.
Does everything have to become
dressed down Fridays
so everybody can feel
like they're included?
Fine.
A head chef
and Michael Jordan
and they're both great.
Jesus Christ.
All right,
let's just keep going.
I give up.
You know what?
I am officially fucking,
I don't even understand this.
I don't understand the music.
I don't understand
what's great anymore.
Everybody's a 10.
I don't think,
I think I'm definitely old.
I'm not cranky.
I'm honest.
Well,
I don't know why
you can't give someone
their kudos
because they became
head chef at a restaurant.
I think that's amazing.
She probably worked really hard.
I wasn't giving a shit about that.
The point of the,
Is that great?
Is that great?
Is that greatness?
No,
I mean,
because if you listen,
if you were listening
to the fucking bit,
it was sort of a joke question.
Like,
have you done anything great
in your life?
Okay,
I don't want to do
the fucking bit
because I need all the material
I have,
okay?
And just fucking
becoming a head chef.
Yeah,
yeah,
it's just like,
I mean,
I've done some things
in comedy,
but Richard Pryor,
is great.
People say that
you're one of the greatest.
I know,
the people on the internet
and everybody has
a fucking opinion,
but I'm just saying,
there's Richard Pryor
and there's fucking
everybody else,
but there's a bunch
of people out there.
There's middle acts.
Ah,
I give up.
I give up.
You know what?
Everybody's great.
Everybody's beautiful.
Everybody's beautiful
like that skinny bitch
used to say
who was beautiful
and everyone wanted to,
what the,
I don't even understand her.
She's one of the hottest chicks
out there at the time
and she writes that
fucking song
and everybody's like,
that's like a fucking,
you are beautiful.
Everybody wants to fuck you.
Was she really down
on herself?
No,
because she was getting
a lot of shit
at that time,
so I think it was her,
no,
I am,
I am.
Well,
that's because
she went from a teen idol
to rolling around
in the mud
with a hoo-ha
hanging out.
She brought it
on herself.
Roll around the mud.
That's what she was doing
when she wanted
to be dirty,
right?
She became a blue comic.
I know it.
She can do a show
with me anytime.
I don't give a fuck
what she says.
All right.