Name: Bill Burr | Cruise Ship Employee Tales
Uploaded: 2020-10-10T18:10:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Cruise Ship Employee Tales' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Cruise Ship Employee Tales' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-10. Transcript available.

cruise ship stories cruise ship stories what's the deal all right cruise ship
stories
hey bill i'm your biggest fan from north africa get out of here that's great i've
been watching
your specials and podcasts for years i'm from tunisia and i you know it's funny
i could do a
show in tunisia right now in front of the same amount of people i'm doing in
new york city
and i used to work on board cruise ships luckily i quit before you became a
dictator dictator and sunk
my working place sunk my working place um nine years of that shit it's an
absolute nightmare i
dealt with more complaints than dr phil and oprah combined but some of the
questions bro
um sometimes i laugh sometimes i get brain farts sometimes i lose it here are
my top five most
ridiculous encounters i got while i am working on board a cruise ship you're
right those are the
dumbest people you know what people this is a great new segment if you want to
like whatever you do if
you work in the public give me a top five whatever your vocation is dumbest
things people said to you
and i know if somebody's a park ranger out there in uh joshua tree they got one
question for me when i
asked one of the park rangers where is the joshua tree i thought there was just
one i didn't realize
it was a species um all right number one top five dumb questions answered asked
on a cruise ship number
one captain made an announcement saying that tomorrow at 7 a.m we will cross
the equator line
oh no this guy wakes up at 6 a.m takes his coffee pot and goes to the helipad
and kept looking at the sky
oh he didn't even look into the water he looked into the sky 7 15 a.m came to 7
15 a.m came
he came to me complaining that he didn't see the equator line therefore the
captain misinformed him
and demanded the compensation i almost printed the wikipedia page but that shit
would get me fired
oh my god i remember when i was a kid i thought the equator i just pictured as
this this big like
almost like uh black rubber tubing that would have like uh fiber optic wire
going through that's how i
pictured the equator um but i was also kid number two during a gay charter
cruise one gay complained that
too many gays are hitting on him and he wants to get off uh we were in the
middle of the ocean
oh my god i'm so hot people won't leave me alone god get me off this boat all
right number three
oh my god jesus christ a bunch of guys who want to fuck other guys all on there
and they're all guys
can you imagine that guys will fuck anything you stick them on a fucking boat
and you oh my god
um number three second day during the during uh the crossing from australia to
the u to the u.s this
woman called me saying there is a penguin on her balcony i said madam that's
probably because
that's probably a bird because penguins don't fly oh boy she started screaming
i know a penguin when i see one so i
i sent security and it was just a seagull uh that night she came uh after
dinner asking what happened
to the bird so i tried to be funny and i said uh did you like your soup oh god
she didn't appreciate my joke she didn't appreciate my joke but her husband
started laughing and of course
she asked uh for my boss and i got in trouble oh wow what a douche i mean talk
about i had not
i did not have any sense of humor you thought it was a penguin you know what do
you say it was a seagull
was it an osprey um number four a woman came running saying she saw some black
creatures with red eyes
swimming around the ship i said uh okay thanks for telling me she started
yelling
ain't you gonna send security to shoot him oh boy jesus christ i'm fucking
hallucinating
um number five uh one poor bastard walked inside a sauna and found a dude
blowing another dude oh
came to me saying he can't forget what he saw and i should give him a free
drink package
to help him get over it he actually said package after seeing what he just saw
um i honestly felt
for him i told him i can't do that but i gave him a couple of bottles of wine
after investigating
uh we found out about those gay dudes turned out one of them was married i knew
it i knew it
and traveling with his wife that happens a lot uh we asked what he was doing
inside the sauna he said
i was getting a foot massage from a stranger wow and then he slowly moved up my
leg yeah i remember one
time i uh i i went to a gym here in new york and uh they wanted all of this id
and all of this
shit and i was given what the fuck i gotta just give you the money blah blah i
know what happened
somebody ended up talking to the guy and he said that the other day they had
caught a married dude blowing
a gay guy in the sauna and when he got caught he freaked out and his wife was
out working out
and he said please don't tell my wife and he i said did you he said yeah i had
to
i was thinking like well you didn't have to but it's i get you have to though
because he's taking these
risks and they're probably having unprotected sex you know this guy's out and
about i mean
if he's banging a woman you know you'd have to do the same thing right i don't
know it's crazy
it's crazy crazy world uh i can write a book about this man you should anyway
well i hope uh
you you don't back down your voice you're the voice of the voiceless in this pussified
world we live
in now i'm not i know i'm not every this most people talk the way i talk um
they just don't
do it on tv uh one more thing bill don't accept that dude's invitation to saudi
arabia you say
the wrong thing about women religions or kings or king you're a goner uh we can't
afford to lose
one of the last two comedians who don't give a flying about triggered folks
that that's you and dave
chappelle wow anytime i get lumped in with the great dave chappelle that's
great peace and love well thank
you um thank you for my one fan out there in tunisia