Name: Bill Burr - FMTV | Advice: Too Skinny, Too Tall
Uploaded: 2020-10-23T11:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Advice: Too Skinny, Too Tall' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Advice: Too Skinny, Too Tall' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-23. Transcript available.

too skinny too tall here's the thing about the insecurity um bill i am what you
would call a
goofy looking bitch 5 11 like 135 pounds and super awkward i have a pretty face
so i'm told
but i've always felt weird about my body are you fucking kidding me if you got
into fashion they
tell you to lose 20 pounds 5 11 135 you sound lean and mean to me be honest the
insecurity
never came from me but from other people my earliest memory of yeah and that's
probably
their insecurity because you're probably taller than a lot of guys um my
earliest memory of being
made to feel weird about my body i'm assuming this is a woman oh they signed it
olive oil all right
uh my earliest memory of being made to feel weird about my body was when i was
eight and a teacher
said i'm too skinny and look weird yep that's old school shit uh people used to
do that i shot up in
in height since then and i've always always been mocked for either the height
weight or both as a
consequent i've developed somewhat of a complex about it i've been suicidal
about it before honestly oh
jesus christ don't take it to that level you got the supermodel body um but
then i'll watch some video
about a burn victim and then feel like a real sack of shit all right so you got
some perspective
i'm a girl by the way forgot to mention that and when i was in high school i
got bullied by
this short guy he said i was turning into a man once and i honestly cried my
eyes out oh god
because you know what it is he's a little fucking runt and that's that's the
thing if if anything
anybody in high school listening to that like one of the best things you can
learn in life is that so
much so many things that other people say really has nothing to do with you
even if they're saying it
about you it has to do with the other person and how their parents suck or they
feel bad about their
own life so you know like if you want people to not say mean shit to you uh
walk around happy have a
happy look on yourself on your face like you know go out and enjoy yourself and
you won't believe the
fucking negative attention that you'll get um and one of the great joys in life
is the day you realize
that that it has nothing to do with you and you learn to just filter all of
that stuff out
um you're 5 11 135 i mean i'm telling you like
yeah there's there's a lot of women that are going to fucking hate you because
of your height
and your build because it's going to be hard for them to keep weight off you
got a tremendous
advantage everything that all the clothes you're going to put on there's a
reason why
models are so tall and all that because they look absolutely stunning in the
clothes
and then they sell it to all of all the short fucking people out there and then
they never
look right um anyways she said uh my question to you is how do i get to a point
in life where you
don't give a shit when anyone says i get that i'm thin but honestly it's just
the weight my body likes
i'm not unhealthy at all i have no health issues and my doctor isn't worried
yeah and the the older you
get you're gonna you're gonna look great and all that that little runt who made
fun of you
there's nowhere for it to go except for his fucking mantis um what should i do
next time someone says
something to me uh i'm 22 and people at work feel comfortable enough to say
shit like
did you have eating issues as a kid jesus christ even a complete stranger who
was asking for my help no
less took it upon herself to tell me i look anorexic um yeah no that's that's
all other people's issue
i feel like people think they can get away with shit like this because i'm not
fat you think i should
just tell people to fuck off only thing is if i do that'll be i'll be in an
argument pretty much
one to two times per week thanks a bunch and i love i love you and nia wish you
and the munchkin
the best go fuck yourself uh olive oil all right you got a great sense of humor
just saying you're olive oil
um there's a bunch of shit you can do all right um i don't know one of the
things i used to do when
i used to go out after shows and when somebody said like mean stuff to me i
would just go uh you got
something between your teeth and they never did right but it would just make
them so self-conscious
they'd immediately shut their mouth and put their tongue up over their teeth
and then just fucking walk away
um you can do that and just say i appreciate that and just you know offer them
a piece of gum
you know make it seem like they have bad breath there's little things like that
to turn it back
around on them um i don't i don't you know you know what really what it's
really going to be because
then you know i'm also suggesting that you kind of be mean to them what you're
going to have to do
is just you know learn to like how you look that's it and just really know that
um
that's all about them and i know you're at work but you know if a guy said
something
to you i mean it's easy to be like just be like you know i recently heard that
a lot of things that
people say mean about you has nothing to do with you it has to do with them
that's too long just be
like sir are you saying that to me because you're actually concerned or is it
because your dick is the
size of a fucking peanut i don't know what the fuck you can go with dick size
that's always good
all right this is some old schoolyard bully shit just go with the obvious they're
going with the
obvious on you oh you can talk about my weight then i can talk about that giant
fucking potato you
call a fucking nose in the middle of your face you know you know it's going to
keep growing your ears
and your nose just keep growing you're going to look like jimmy durani by the
time you're 35
you don't know who the fuck he is well look him up you cunt now uh yeah what i
don't know
i i mean i'm going to give you stand-up lines yeah you can't say them at work
if some woman said
you said you are you anorexic and just say no i just know how to push myself
away from the table
you pudgy cunt you know there's that you can do that but i think it's really
more important
just accepting the fact that here's the thing your metabolism will slow down as
you get older
you'll fill out a little bit more and you know i mean when i was 22 i was a
fucking rail
myself and now look at the beautiful bald adonis that i i am now at 50 um
i don't know look at me i started losing my hair i didn't go out and fucking
you know
try to start moving shit around up there i just said fuck it i shaved my head i
just am who i am
and you know people call me a bald cunt now and it makes me laugh i actually
take it as a term of
endearment uh i like how i look and i don't i know i i i'm not you know i'm not
a good looking guy
but i i fucking i like it i like that i look like a fucking freak it's fun and
i actually enjoy aging
i bought this fucking old man sweater the other day and my wife goes what you
can't put that on you
look like you're fucking an old man i go i am an old man let me be an old man
and wear my old
man sweater put around the house and fucking uh sitting on the back porch
smoking a cigar
thinking of glory days you're 22 years old you got your whole life ahead of you
you're gonna run
into somebody who's gonna realize how fucking beautiful you are and i gotta
admit something
the fact that everybody gives you shit about the way you look you're gonna have
a great sense of humor
and you're gonna laugh a lot in life and that's gonna keep you young so god
bless you
and your 511 body 135 pounds and everybody else can go fuck themselves and with
that that's the
podcast and the rest of you can go fuck yourselves and i'll check in on you on
thursday