Name: Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Cruise Ship Employee, Lawyer, Pilot
Uploaded: 2020-11-04T14:15:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Cruise Ship Employee, Lawyer, Pilot' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Cruise Ship Employee, Lawyer, Pilot' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-04. Transcript available.

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have
asked you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you
know i don't
know you work at a fucking starbucks here are my top five most ridiculous
encounters i got while i
am working on board a cruise ship you're right those are the dumbest people you
know what people
this is a great new segment if you want to like whatever you do if you work in
the public give me
a top five whatever your vocation is dumbest things people said to you and i
know if somebody's a park
ranger out there in uh joshua tree they got one question for me when i asked
one of the park
rangers where is the joshua tree i thought there was just one i didn't realize
it was a species
um all right number one top five dumb questions answered asked on a cruise ship
number one captain
made an announcement saying that tomorrow at 7 a.m we will cross the equator
line oh no this guy wakes
up at 6 a.m takes his coffee pot and goes to the helipad and kept looking at
the sky
oh he didn't even look into the water he looked into the sky 7 15 a.m came to 7
15 a.m came he came
to me complaining that he didn't see the equator line therefore the captain
misinformed him and demanded
the compensation i almost printed the wikipedia page but that shit would get me
fired oh my
god i remember when i was a kid i thought the equator i just pictured as this
this big like
almost like uh black rubber tubing that would have like uh fiber optic wire
going through that's how
i pictured the equator um but i was also kid number two during a gay charter
cruise one gay complained
that too many gays are hitting on him and he wants to get off uh we were in the
middle of the ocean
oh my god i'm so hot people won't leave me alone god get me off this boat all
right number three
oh my god jesus christ a bunch of guys who want to fuck other guys all on there
and they're all guys
can you imagine that guys will fuck anything you stick them on a fucking boat
and you and oh my god
um number three second day during the during uh the crossing from australia to
the u to the u.s this
woman called me saying there is a penguin on her balcony i said madam that's
probably because
that's probably a bird because penguins don't fly oh boy she started screaming
i know a penguin when i
see one so i sent security and it was just a seagull uh that night she came uh
after dinner asking what
happened to the bird so i tried to be funny and i said uh did you like your
soup oh god
she didn't appreciate my joke but her husband started laughing and of course
she asked uh for
my boss and i got in trouble oh wow what a douche i mean talk about i had not
have any sense of humor
you thought it was a fucking penguin you know what do you say it was a seagull
was it an osprey
um number four a woman came running saying she saw some black creatures with
red eyes swimming around
the ship i said uh okay thanks for telling me she started yelling ain't you
gonna send security to
shoot him oh boy jesus christ i'm fucking hallucinating um number five uh one
poor bastard walked inside a
sauna and found a dude blowing another dude oh came to me saying he can't
forget what he saw and i
should give him a free drink package to help him get over it he actually said
package after seeing what he just
saw um i honestly felt for him i told him i can't do that but i gave him a
couple of bottles of wine
after investigating uh we found out about those gay dudes turned out one of
them was married i knew it
i knew it and traveling with his wife that happens a lot uh we asked what he
was doing inside the sauna
he said i was getting a foot massage from a stranger wow and then he slowly
moved up my
leg hello bill i have worked in the legal field just picturing that park ranger's
face when he was
looking at me like is this guy fucking with me and then the realization that i
was serious and this is
in and then which slowly turned into excitement on his face that he had a story
to tell his friend his
fellow co-workers all right hello bill i have worked in the legal field what is
that thing i just went to
inhale through my mouth and then all of a sudden it's like you know somebody
pulled the choke on you i don't know what
that is all right i've worked in the legal field in various capacities
throughout the last six years
from investigating sex crimes oh jesus to transporting federal prisoners to
being in many courtrooms my
experience uh my experiences have not lacked any excitement or stupid questions
all right number one i was
reading off my first warrant i ever served in a county jail this warrant was
for a battery charge and
she was in solitary confinement during this time the young girl asked so does
this mean i i can't go home
right now
that's fucking hilarious you're being charged with hitting an old woman over
the head with a safe
so like does that mean i can't go home right now oh jesus um while
investigating a sex crime oh boy
the person who is believed to be extremely guilty of committing several crimes
at a daycare
admitted many of these atrocities to the police on tape when i asked him about
the question he says
does this look bad oh boy he admitted to doing that at a daycare center like
dude they should just take
that guy out back and once they try him and convict him and just shoot him in
the fucking head
i i i have no sex offenders that's that's it it's over it's a wrap see you
don't need you uh number three while in federal court a resentencing hearing
was taking place for a man
who had been in prison for seven years for production of meth an intern sitting
next to me while the
man was in shackles and a prison uniform actually asked me is he under arrest
wow dude these are great during my first autopsy i thought you were a lawyer a
sheriff deputy asked me
so do we just throw the whole body away when we're done oh my god
oh my god i mean and that guy has a gun right he had a gun on his hip and he
said that all right
all right okay number five following a court hearing where a mother who was
high on meth
a family court hearing and the mother is high on meth i mean that alone
the mother's parental rights were terminated the mother asked the judge
when do i bring my daughter back for the next court thing
god thank you bill for bringing many much needed laughs for me during the week
also best to you nia and
the two little birds oh wow jesus christ we got a pilot nice i'm a 24 year old
pilot for a commercial
airline look at this person crushing life they used to fly corporate and i
wanted to share my top five
dumb ass dumbest dumbest questions from the general public celebrity community
uh are you sure you guys can handle the wind
at the time i'm 21 still baby faced and supposed to be flying this 40 year
old typical hard-headed mass hole from boston to the vineyard just for dinner
he had his 85 year old mother and his wife and his nine-year-old daughter the
winds were gusting to 40
knots in moderate to heavy turbulence forecasted i warned him that i was it was
going to be unpleasant
and maybe they should reschedule he said to me uh you could be my son are you
sure you can handle the wind
okay so he's saying you're young and it's okay to have concerns about this so
far it seems all right
i responded with i'm not worried about my abilities i just don't know if this
is the kind of experience
your daughter would want to experience oh yeah jesus christ why would you do
that to your kid
fast forward 30 minutes later i've never been more excited to hear the sound of
four people puking in my
life the other pilot and i looked at each other and all we had to do was smile
needless to say they
spent the night at the vineyard and we left
can't you just fly above the wind similar situations to the one above
i thought aren't they asking for smoother air i don't know are you sure the
weather isn't bad
my brother says it's nice at his house in danvers the guy proceeds to show me a
picture
on his phone of blue sky that he he got sent from his brother rvr was down to
about
400 feet what does that mean i don't rvr is that cloud cover jesus christ wait
a minute i gotta see
so i gotta look this up aviation rvr
runway visual range was down to 400 feet oh my god okay
uh where is baggage claim i look above my head and there's a big yellow sign
that says baggage claim
uh do you even fly the airplane and parentheses i'm a first officer i yeah we
take turns each leg really
i just thought you sat there in case the captain dies he writes yikes dude
these are great
these are great from your fellow new englander and irishman i love the podcast
and always listen
on long sits between flights hope you get on a flight and the little ones can
come up and nerd out up in the
the cockpit ps helicopters are way harder to fly than airplanes as always go
yourself um
that's amazing jesus christ can't you just fly above the wind