Name: Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Apple Store, Liquor Shop, 911 Operator, and School Volunteer
Uploaded: 2020-11-11T12:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Apple Store, Liquor Shop, 911 Operator, and School Volunteer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Apple Store, Liquor Shop, 911 Operator, and School Volunteer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-11. Transcript available.

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have asked
you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you know i
don't know you work
at a fucking starbucks all right hey mr burr straight to the point i worked at
an apple store
from 2011 to 2018 you did your time signed up for a second hitch didn't you um
since i know you love
going there here is the flip side i gotta stop blaming that store for my own
ignorance on
technology here is the flip side of what we as employees have to suffer through
with some of
these mouth breathers these these are all going to be me i've probably done all
these top five dumb
questions at the apple store i feel like paul schaefer should be playing a
little music right
now all right number five question which nike shoes do you sell here answer we
don't sell shoes here
there's an accessory that would go into your shoe as part of the nike run club
but people legit thought
we sold nikes for a time i didn't know that is it nike or nike i never knew all
right number four
question do i get a discount if i buy multiple iphones max ipads answer no but
i can sell you multiple
devices at full price yeah you got to be a business i think to do that even
then you probably couldn't
do it number three why won't my phone ring hands me the phone i flip the mute
switch to off on the side
or turn off do not disturb and hand it back
number two i'm seeing a lot of me in these number two question
what's my apple wi-fi twitter facegram instagram email etc etc password answer
why would i a stranger know that
i haven't even been dumb enough to ask that number one drum roll anton figg uh
where are the microsoft
surfaces answer at the microsoft store i like that you fucking give these
people shit i like it
you can't get mad that says genius on your shirt you know you know i was gonna
get upset but you know
i don't mind taking shit from a genius uh thanks for all the laughs and
everything you do and we'll
continue to thank you and best to you the lovely neil and your two little ones
thank you very much
well i think i've asked dumber questions than that dear billy no booze um i own
a small boutique
liquor store in denver i have a terrific loyal customer base but every now and
then i get guests that are not
used to our style of shop uh you can see it in their face i swear to god i
literally i don't know
why i was just thinking of this sketch that i wanted that i thought was like
not every sketch
makes the show and i was just thinking uh how that would have played out sorry
let me go back so i can
actually pay attention i own a small boutique liquor store in denver i have a
terrific loyal customer
base but every now and then i get guests that are not used to our style of shop
you can see it in the
face the moment they walk in they're expecting a regular old package liquor
store uh oh that's a
great name that's what that's what they called it back when i was a kid going
down to the packy
um it's a beautiful shop with 600 different craft beers 200 wines 70 bourbons
etc etc yeah this is
for like uh connoisseurs of alcohol and somebody's coming in what trying to buy
a 12 a fucking bud
like kid uh here i am here oh here are my dumbfounded encounters i have had in
the three years since i
bought the shop i think that would be such a cool thing to own a little boutique
liquor store that has
all this high-end booze i always thought that that would be fucking cool um
number one just a couple
weeks ago a woman about 50 years old or so came in and said i was sent here to
buy some blow
i responded i'm sorry what was that she put her fingers to her mouth as if she
was going to smoke
a cigarette i said do you mean weed she had a tepid look on her face like i was
her parent and quietly
said yes uh ma'am there's a dispensary at the end of the block and don't ask
them for blow just tell
them you need some weed oh that's hilarious that's clearly not a drug user was
sent there by somebody
who's maybe too fucked up oh boutique liquor store here's another dumb question
oh this is right top
five stupid questions this is this is what the segment is the top five if you
work for the public
um deal with the public in your job the top five dumb questions and i threw
myself under the bus for
the park ranger out in uh joshua tree i went out to joshua tree and asked a
park ranger where is
the joshua tree um don't ask him that there's a bunch of that's like being in
massachusetts saying
where is the oak tree um okay number two do you sell scotch tape number three
do you have any whiskey
uh i have an entire wall of whiskey it's the first thing you see when you walk
in the door
uh number four is this a real store i will never forget this question
that's probably somebody just always goes to costco uh number five are you here
i get this question at least once a week it blows me away every time i'm
standing here
my door is open unless you know something i don't i am here
um what they can't see you is that what they do or they i don't know anyway all
the best to you
and nia and the little ones uh we'll see you at the comedy works next time you
are around oh that's
cool 9-1-1 emt okay i like how we the way these are set up andrew how you got
these basically
each job gets more and more intense all right hello mr burb hello mr burb big
fan long time
podcast listener thank you i know you are asking for the top five stupid
questions
but i am sharing with you my top five stupid reasons why the public has called
now okay
that's okay you can adjust it you can improv here top five reasons the public
has called 9-1-1 as an
emergency i've been an ambulance operator for close to three years and have my
stories but these
are the top five number five wife called 9-1-1
because her husband was eating dog food gross i know he was apparently trying
to tell her
that her cooking was shit he would rather eat dog food
this wasn't a handful of kibble neither it was straight out of the can wet dog
food
wow number four man called 9-1-1 because he was choking on food all right well
if he can talk that
means he's not choking he can breathe right well you might think that that that
is an emergency call
but here is the twist he was choking the day before and called 9-1-1 to have us
explain to him why he was
choking he wanted us to take him to the emergency room so the doctor could
explain to him the medical
reason why he was choking on food this was a 40 year old man
what the fuck these these are making me feel better about myself number three a
woman called 9-1-1
because her electricity went out five minutes ago we advise her to call the
electric company
number two a woman called 9-1-1 because she wanted us two emts to force her two
daughters to help her
clean the house these daughters look to be in their late 20s in her defense the
house was very dirty
wow number one a man called 9-1-1 because his mom is too fat when we arrived he
asked us to give
his mother medication that was somehow magically melt her fat away forever that's
in quotes these kinds
of calls makes for good stories but takes us away from the public that actually
needs us when seconds
counts anyway big fan and congratulations on your beautiful family your friend
on the boo-boo bus
that's great the boo-boo bus school volunteer hey bill i'm a female i love when
the ladies write in
i'm a female college student that volunteers at local schools in my free time
and let me tell you teens
are dumb as shit
i was grading tests for a health class a question asked students to define
unsafe sex
and one kid wrote sex during a hurricane now that has to be the class clown
nobody can be that dumb and
that funny and not not you know and that can't be on that has to be on purpose
all right we had a
tornado drill at the school in which the regular procedure is to have students
get into a windowless
secure room one teacher mistook the alarm for a fire drill and brought the
students outside
oh boy uh there's one girl with hippy dippy parents that always want me to
admit
the earth is flat one day she tried to disprove axial rotation axle rotation by
saying if time zones were
real california would have warned hawaii about pearl harbor
what the
fuck
wow dude
it's that that well that's up
that is so dumb i got dumber reading that going like no wait you're going the
wrong way
now i was like no they are going the right way because they would be ahead of
that is so
up so pearl harbor would be on the news
in california before it happened in hawaii so then they could say hey man
we're three hours in the future so we just to give you a heads up the japanese
are coming
wow that one takes the cake so far uh hippy dippy flat earth girl also once
said to me
if we can really go to space how come astronauts have never been to earth
i don't even know what that means uh i was moderating a debate on gender norms
between a dill weed and a
stoner i don't know what dill weed is a dill dill weed asked how come only men
have to take paternity
tests no one asks a mother to prove that a baby is hers jesus
all right um fyi most of these kids are really sweet and will probably do great
things someday
except for a hippy dippy flat earth girl i predict she'll drop out within a few
years
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Wow.