Name: Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Funeral Director, Park Ranger, Nurse, & the Medicine Industry
Uploaded: 2020-11-25T12:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Funeral Director, Park Ranger, Nurse, & the Medicine Industry' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Funeral Director, Park Ranger, Nurse, & the Medicine Industry' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-25. Transcript available.

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have
asked you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you
know i don't
know you work at a fucking starbucks oh my god this is like blowing up here we
got medicine we
got a nurse we got a park ranger and we got a funeral director oh boy dear bill
the out-of-touch
mob boss burr oh thank you for watching that was a sketch i did on snl which i
still can't believe
i got to do uh by the way did you see that first sketch last night dave did
about aunt shemima
uncle ben uh the state farm guy and uh i'm not gonna say who came in last
fucking great
it was hilarious and i definitely seemed like it had dave's fingerprints all
over it i loved it
all right dear okay thank you for all that you do with the podcast it's
absolutely hilarious thank
you and help me get through 48 hours of straight driving this year when driving
across the country
from pennsylvania to arizona and then back again uh the advice you have given
others has also helped
me in my own personal life so thank you i recently listened to your segment
about the lawyer in the top
five dumbest questions he was ever asked i thought it was awesome and i thought
you should have some
here's some of my stories and questions i have experienced working in the
funeral industry
in the last eight years the top here we go ladies and gentlemen the top dumbest
questions
have been number one have you ever considered having sex with a dead person
definitely not considering most of them look like your grandmother i get this
question a lot maybe it is a
fair question but i think 99 of most people already know the answer to this
question and it's completely
absurd and also if you were you wouldn't fucking answer the question um oh my
god jesus i just
visualize that wow fuck all right uh
you know what i was thinking of was was that that fucking movie jacob's ladder
when that thing in the
tub or is that from the shining oh my god ah jesus christ all right we loved
our son can we bury him in
our backyard so we can always be close to him all right that's a dumb question
but it's also a loving
question the back of the day you could do that we actually buried this guy in
his backyard like some
frontier trail of tears bullshit i did not even know this was legal until i was
asked this and had to
find out about it i guess you can in that state not only did we bury him but
they did not like the
vault we had ordered him and made us come back the next day and take him out of
the hole to put in
a sealed vault so he would not get wet um oh my god these are crazy all right
brace yourself for this one
number three can you cut off my wife's favorite tattoo on her left leg and can
i keep it
sorry jeffrey dommer we can't do that for you
i know this is my grandmother's funeral but can i but can i have your number
hey look at you getting a little action there this one was rather recent i am
single and somewhat
attractive male well you gotta be dude if you're getting her fucking all her
motor running in there
dude but i can tell you right now that chick is a psycho or has a big heart and
doesn't judge people
i don't know but i on the jeep i think i covered all the bases there that's
like that jerk off that
fucking plays roulette and hits all the numbers and then jumps up and down like
he won um this one
was rather recent i'm a single and somewhat attractive male but i am very
professional would never
pick up women at work or at a funeral literally this was a live episode of
funeral crashers if it was a
show uh my condolences to your dead grandmother and family that you clearly don't
give a fuck about
but i give her my number but i did give her my number needless to say oops yeah
what the fuck um
she's probably some freak that wants to fuck in a coffin watch that'll be the
third day um this
this one was a comment i received from a holy man from a southwest asian
culture
um a holy man of his religion came up to me and said i only have one prayer to
say during
today's service i said okay oh okay great not a problem uh yes it's three hours
long i was stunned
and stared at him in silence only to find out he was serious i have tons of
other stories i would love
to tell you um if you find what i wrote interesting i absolutely did and i am
sure myself as well as other
funeral professionals have tons of craziness that they can write in and tell
you about every troll in
the public wants to be a funeral director and do my job until we are called out
at three in the morning
to remove a decomposed body in a shithole house i don't think everybody wants
to be a funeral director
i hope you and your family stay healthy and safe that's so creepy to hear that
yeah i don't want to see
you buddy during this um yeah let me hear from the funeral directors i want to
hear some more stories of
weirdos the funeral home um park ranger
hey there billy bada bing billy bada bing uh i've been loving the top five
stupid questions segment
recently and i figured i should chime in since i am a fellow mass hole turned
national park ranger
um and as you may already know we have heard it all i work at the grand canyon
so you can imagine the
types of people we come across with over six million visitors a year from all
parts of the globe
this is by no means a definitive top five but these are perhaps the most
commonly heard idiotic
questions here without further ado all right here we go number one at least
once a week after driving
all the way out here uh we're kind of out of the way passing many signs to the
quote grand canyon someone
will pull over pull up to the entrance and ask what's in here or hold up a
picture of the canyon on
their phone and say we're trying to find this i have to bite my tongue not to
ask them how the flying
fuck they got all the way out here from god knows where without the confidence
of knowing where exactly they
were uh number two um what time do you feed the bison or when did the bison
come out i love that like they
got a fucking two-bedroom apartment uh the north rim has bison as if we're
running a petting zoo instead
of a national park uh number three people looking for the road that goes into
the canyon so they can drive
their car to the bottom and see the colorado river uh don't you think you'd see
a picture or two if the
road existed sir um number four do i really have to pay to come in this is this
one is constant as
people think uh insert burr southern accent here okay i'll do my bad southern
accent uh this here is my
land i pay taxes and i shouldn't have to pay no fucking fee to see public land
uh there are many
issues with this sentiment and explaining them would only further anger these
animals or people that
come up and say they don't have money to pay and expect to be let in as if you
could sit down at a
restaurant or any other business and use this as an excuse to enjoy their
services for free
oh if you got your money no worries we anticipated you might do this follow me
to your table
and i'll have the chef bring you out some appetizers um all right dude you're
fucking funny man you should
give these well don't give them shit you'll lose your job you did the right
thing save your funnier
sides and sentiment to me all right number five if i hike to the bottom and can't
hike out you'll come
and get me right people expect some sort of free helicopter ride or service out
of the canyon
if they decide to be stupid and hike themselves all the way to the river the
sad part is if that that
happened they actually get they actually get it on the park's dime well we don't
need to know that
except the on the park's dime hopefully that means the taxpayers dime right
i hope these were mildly entertaining and i'd like to mention so i don't get
fired that these views are
my own and in no way represent the views or opinions of the park service i love
everything you do and send
my best to the lovely nia and the little burrs come out to the canyon for a
private tour anytime peace
love and go fuck yourself i haven't been to the grand canyon and forever i went
there in like 94
all right but i've flown over it a zillion fucking times which i feel that's i
would hike down to the
bottom though and on the way out i could do that oh jesus bill all right i can
already hear the
helicopter all right nurse hey billy ginger seasoned tits
ginger seasoned tits uh just in time for october november i'm a 27 year old rn
from minnesota
registered nurse from minnesota who works for the last five years at i'm not
gonna say where
where a majority of what we do is colonoscopies here are probably the top five
questions i have had
from some of these fucking these fucked up patients number one
is it bad oh my god i had to read this before i said it number one is it bad
that i've been cutting
up dove soap bars into small pieces and putting them in my butthole to keep the
worms away
number two if i put my finger in my butthole and circle it around during
showers does it help prevent
hemorrhoids what in the fuck people just say this number three
uh did you think my uterus looks sexy today we didn't check that or close to
that lol number four
does the butthole connect with my psyche what does that even mean number five
did you see my butthole did you see my butthole
what the fuck just a medley of what comes to mind but i'm sure you can figure
it's quite a variety
pack of people rolling into this butthole clinic love you the family and your
sense of humor
and your sense of humor is not like anything else by a long-ass shot take care
uh nurse so-and-so
a religious listening lady what in the fuck did you see my butthole did you see
my butthole
wow i didn't think anybody could top uh where is the joshua tree but they seem
to be doing it quite
quite easily here um all right plowing ahead medicine hey billy bleached butthole
a lot of
butthole shit this week uh i work in medicine and thus have encountered some
very uninformed
individuals as everyone needs medical care idiots included now i don't look
down on these individuals
as they lack medical knowledge parentheses normal and importantly are anxious
about their well-being
in these situations these settings sorry top five questions says statements i've
encountered in
medicine all right number five young male adult who comes in complaining of
large amounts of bright red
blood in their bowel movements that's scary i do a physical exam and i cannot
find an obvious reason
for this complaint i order some tests to find out the cause and if it's
actually blood in his poops
guy is anxious and asks it's normal to have some blood in your poop right bear
in mind this gentleman said
his toilet bowl was covered in red i had to keep a straight face and tell him
no it's not normal to
poop blood well that one's just scary and he just wants you to say it's okay
because he so he doesn't feel
like his insides have fallen out number four obese family doesn't know she is
pregnant comes into er
because her stomach is acting up i see in an ultrasound and blood work that she
is pregnant
quite far along too but she refuses to believe us
how do you know i'm pregnant uh i can see the baby on the ultrasound man
wow
don't you just want to rescue that baby the second it comes out of that person
oh my god number three okay public service announcement
guys if you're at the doctor's office for dick issues just say that from the
get-go don't come in
and say don't come in and at the end say oh one more thing my dick
also get some damn priorities if you got the health of a laboratory rat
that has been purposely fed fat its entire life and your main concern is your
dick
i got an issue with that so this guy asked if the viagra i prescribed him for
his erectile dysfunction
would also help with his short dick he whispers this last bit i told him no
he will not add an extra inch or two and would only help him maintain an erection
poor bastard uh number two guy wants a prescription for ketamine
this is a powerful anesthetic explains that it is
my moral imperative to do to do this and that i will be leaving him no choice
but to manufacture ketamine himself he tells me the steps to make the drug
and that he has read the wikipedia page i wish him good luck in his venture to
manufacture the drug
all right um all right opioid overdose oh that's sad comes in via friend
ambulance so somebody drives him
there pretty much blue start cpr on him and give him narcan wakes up and stabilizes
five to ten minutes
after being conscious he asks for some morphine nah dude you were dead like 10
minutes ago because of that
wow that fucking opioid shit my god thank christ i never fucked with any of
that

Bill Burr | Dumb Questions on the Job: Funeral Director, Park Ranger, Nurse, & the Medicine Industry

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have
asked you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you
know i don't
know you work at a fucking starbucks oh my god this is like blowing up here we
got medicine we
got a nurse we got a park ranger and we got a funeral director oh boy dear bill
the out-of-touch
mob boss burr oh thank you for watching that was a sketch i did on snl which i
still can't believe
i got to do uh by the way did you see that first sketch last night dave did
about aunt shemima
uncle ben uh the state farm guy and uh i'm not gonna say who came in last
fucking great
it was hilarious and i definitely seemed like it had dave's fingerprints all
over it i loved it
all right dear okay thank you for all that you do with the podcast it's
absolutely hilarious thank
you and help me get through 48 hours of straight driving this year when driving
across the country
from pennsylvania to arizona and then back again uh the advice you have given
others has also helped
me in my own personal life so thank you i recently listened to your segment
about the lawyer in the top
five dumbest questions he was ever asked i thought it was awesome and i thought
you should have some
here's some of my stories and questions i have experienced working in the
funeral industry
in the last eight years the top here we go ladies and gentlemen the top dumbest
questions
have been number one have you ever considered having sex with a dead person
definitely not considering most of them look like your grandmother i get this
question a lot maybe it is a
fair question but i think 99 of most people already know the answer to this
question and it's completely
absurd and also if you were you wouldn't fucking answer the question um oh my
god jesus i just
visualize that wow fuck all right uh
you know what i was thinking of was was that that fucking movie jacob's ladder
when that thing in the
tub or is that from the shining oh my god ah jesus christ all right we loved
our son can we bury him in
our backyard so we can always be close to him all right that's a dumb question
but it's also a loving
question the back of the day you could do that we actually buried this guy in
his backyard like some
frontier trail of tears bullshit i did not even know this was legal until i was
asked this and had to
find out about it i guess you can in that state not only did we bury him but
they did not like the
vault we had ordered him and made us come back the next day and take him out of
the hole to put in
a sealed vault so he would not get wet um oh my god these are crazy all right
brace yourself for this one
number three can you cut off my wife's favorite tattoo on her left leg and can
i keep it
sorry jeffrey dommer we can't do that for you
i know this is my grandmother's funeral but can i but can i have your number
hey look at you getting a little action there this one was rather recent i am
single and somewhat
attractive male well you gotta be dude if you're getting her fucking all her
motor running in there
dude but i can tell you right now that chick is a psycho or has a big heart and
doesn't judge people
i don't know but i on the jeep i think i covered all the bases there that's
like that jerk off that
fucking plays roulette and hits all the numbers and then jumps up and down like
he won um this one
was rather recent i'm a single and somewhat attractive male but i am very
professional would never
pick up women at work or at a funeral literally this was a live episode of
funeral crashers if it was a
show uh my condolences to your dead grandmother and family that you clearly don't
give a fuck about
but i give her my number but i did give her my number needless to say oops yeah
what the fuck um
she's probably some freak that wants to fuck in a coffin watch that'll be the
third day um this
this one was a comment i received from a holy man from a southwest asian
culture
um a holy man of his religion came up to me and said i only have one prayer to
say during
today's service i said okay oh okay great not a problem uh yes it's three hours
long i was stunned
and stared at him in silence only to find out he was serious i have tons of
other stories i would love
to tell you um if you find what i wrote interesting i absolutely did and i am
sure myself as well as other
funeral professionals have tons of craziness that they can write in and tell
you about every troll in
the public wants to be a funeral director and do my job until we are called out
at three in the morning
to remove a decomposed body in a shithole house i don't think everybody wants
to be a funeral director
i hope you and your family stay healthy and safe that's so creepy to hear that
yeah i don't want to see
you buddy during this um yeah let me hear from the funeral directors i want to
hear some more stories of
weirdos the funeral home um park ranger
hey there billy bada bing billy bada bing uh i've been loving the top five
stupid questions segment
recently and i figured i should chime in since i am a fellow mass hole turned
national park ranger
um and as you may already know we have heard it all i work at the grand canyon
so you can imagine the
types of people we come across with over six million visitors a year from all
parts of the globe
this is by no means a definitive top five but these are perhaps the most
commonly heard idiotic
questions here without further ado all right here we go number one at least
once a week after driving
all the way out here uh we're kind of out of the way passing many signs to the
quote grand canyon someone
will pull over pull up to the entrance and ask what's in here or hold up a
picture of the canyon on
their phone and say we're trying to find this i have to bite my tongue not to
ask them how the flying
fuck they got all the way out here from god knows where without the confidence
of knowing where exactly they
were uh number two um what time do you feed the bison or when did the bison
come out i love that like they
got a fucking two-bedroom apartment uh the north rim has bison as if we're
running a petting zoo instead
of a national park uh number three people looking for the road that goes into
the canyon so they can drive
their car to the bottom and see the colorado river uh don't you think you'd see
a picture or two if the
road existed sir um number four do i really have to pay to come in this is this
one is constant as
people think uh insert burr southern accent here okay i'll do my bad southern
accent uh this here is my
land i pay taxes and i shouldn't have to pay no fucking fee to see public land
uh there are many
issues with this sentiment and explaining them would only further anger these
animals or people that
come up and say they don't have money to pay and expect to be let in as if you
could sit down at a
restaurant or any other business and use this as an excuse to enjoy their
services for free
oh if you got your money no worries we anticipated you might do this follow me
to your table
and i'll have the chef bring you out some appetizers um all right dude you're
fucking funny man you should
give these well don't give them shit you'll lose your job you did the right
thing save your funnier
sides and sentiment to me all right number five if i hike to the bottom and can't
hike out you'll come
and get me right people expect some sort of free helicopter ride or service out
of the canyon
if they decide to be stupid and hike themselves all the way to the river the
sad part is if that that
happened they actually get they actually get it on the park's dime well we don't
need to know that
except the on the park's dime hopefully that means the taxpayers dime right
i hope these were mildly entertaining and i'd like to mention so i don't get
fired that these views are
my own and in no way represent the views or opinions of the park service i love
everything you do and send
my best to the lovely nia and the little burrs come out to the canyon for a
private tour anytime peace
love and go fuck yourself i haven't been to the grand canyon and forever i went
there in like 94
all right but i've flown over it a zillion fucking times which i feel that's i
would hike down to the
bottom though and on the way out i could do that oh jesus bill all right i can
already hear the
helicopter all right nurse hey billy ginger seasoned tits
ginger seasoned tits uh just in time for october november i'm a 27 year old rn
from minnesota
registered nurse from minnesota who works for the last five years at i'm not
gonna say where
where a majority of what we do is colonoscopies here are probably the top five
questions i have had
from some of these fucking these fucked up patients number one
is it bad oh my god i had to read this before i said it number one is it bad
that i've been cutting
up dove soap bars into small pieces and putting them in my butthole to keep the
worms away
number two if i put my finger in my butthole and circle it around during
showers does it help prevent
hemorrhoids what in the fuck people just say this number three
uh did you think my uterus looks sexy today we didn't check that or close to
that lol number four
does the butthole connect with my psyche what does that even mean number five
did you see my butthole did you see my butthole
what the fuck just a medley of what comes to mind but i'm sure you can figure
it's quite a variety
pack of people rolling into this butthole clinic love you the family and your
sense of humor
and your sense of humor is not like anything else by a long-ass shot take care
uh nurse so-and-so
a religious listening lady what in the fuck did you see my butthole did you see
my butthole
wow i didn't think anybody could top uh where is the joshua tree but they seem
to be doing it quite
quite easily here um all right plowing ahead medicine hey billy bleached butthole
a lot of
butthole shit this week uh i work in medicine and thus have encountered some
very uninformed
individuals as everyone needs medical care idiots included now i don't look
down on these individuals
as they lack medical knowledge parentheses normal and importantly are anxious
about their well-being
in these situations these settings sorry top five questions says statements i've
encountered in
medicine all right number five young male adult who comes in complaining of
large amounts of bright red
blood in their bowel movements that's scary i do a physical exam and i cannot
find an obvious reason
for this complaint i order some tests to find out the cause and if it's
actually blood in his poops
guy is anxious and asks it's normal to have some blood in your poop right bear
in mind this gentleman said
his toilet bowl was covered in red i had to keep a straight face and tell him
no it's not normal to
poop blood well that one's just scary and he just wants you to say it's okay
because he so he doesn't feel
like his insides have fallen out number four obese family doesn't know she is
pregnant comes into er
because her stomach is acting up i see in an ultrasound and blood work that she
is pregnant
quite far along too but she refuses to believe us
how do you know i'm pregnant uh i can see the baby on the ultrasound man
wow
don't you just want to rescue that baby the second it comes out of that person
oh my god number three okay public service announcement
guys if you're at the doctor's office for dick issues just say that from the
get-go don't come in
and say don't come in and at the end say oh one more thing my dick
also get some damn priorities if you got the health of a laboratory rat
that has been purposely fed fat its entire life and your main concern is your
dick
i got an issue with that so this guy asked if the viagra i prescribed him for
his erectile dysfunction
would also help with his short dick he whispers this last bit i told him no
he will not add an extra inch or two and would only help him mai