Name: Bill Burr | Dumb Question on the Job: Lifeguard, Butcher, Casino Security, Banker, & Car Rental
Uploaded: 2020-12-16T12:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Question on the Job: Lifeguard, Butcher, Casino Security, Banker, & Car Rental' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Dumb Question on the Job: Lifeguard, Butcher, Casino Security, Banker, & Car Rental' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-16. Transcript available.

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have
asked you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you
know i don't
know you work at a fucking starbucks lifeguard dear mr burr i've been working
and interacting with
the public as a lifeguard on the beach for the last five years the first four
as my full-time gig
uh since you're on the big red chair and staring at the ocean people look at
you as the guy with
all the answers the beach i work at is a popular tourist destination and i have
heard some pretty
dumb questions from these fat pale hawaiian shirt wearing socks and flip-flops
sneakers on the sand
mainlanders but god bless these assholes because they can't swim for shit and
provide me with a
great job security here are my top five all right so you got new listeners here
these are uh top five
you work with the public dumb questions that people ask you number one where is
the bridge going to go
beach patron asked this while pointing at the pier which was being repaired
after some storm damage
mind you appear leasing into the ocean atlantic ocean oh boy leasing is that
the word uh number two
a lady walked over from her and her husband's umbrella to ask me who trains the
dolphins i told her that the
lifeguards get to work early for their training sessions she turned to her
husband and yelled honey the lifeguards train the
dolphins
oh jesus they've been to they must have had a season pass at sea world never
been to the beach uh number three
this one needs no explanation uh to do this job do you have to be good at
swimming
jesus christ number four top five dumb things to ask a lifeguard um we're from
kansas and can't swim good
should we get in jesus christ not past your cankles lady this guy's got some
jokes here i like this guy
um this final question is the one i get most frequently
uh are there any sharks out there answer only big ones the looks i get are so
priceless sometimes i
actually start laughing um i'm never off duty and i just and i must remind the
listeners if you're
stuck in a rip current swim parallel to the shore before swimming in and always
swim near a lifeguard
thanks for making my ride to work in solo sits on the tower fly by how do i
register to the contrarian
party for next election come to florida when the virus is out of the air and
you won't get a tan line
from your mask thanks and go fuck yourself you pasty bastard um
uh you know that rip the riptide rip current whatever they call it that fascinates
me
like how fucking frightening that is as you're getting pulled out into the
ocean you're just
supposed to be like oh okay the ocean seems to want me more than the land does
right now and i'm just
gonna relax do a little side stroke um the ocean scares the fucking shit out of
me i i i don't go in
it i have no plans to go in it i just you know i've always maintained if if
there was one lobster
without the rubber bands around its claws in somebody's pool you'd be like get
that thing the
fuck out of there or i'm not going in there people go to the beach everything's
in there all right
it's it's it's fucking crazy i i don't understand why people do that shit but
you know god bless you
god bless you good luck with that all right butcher edition greetings from oklahoma
you freckled face
fuck up i'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store that sounds great
actually sounds like a
really good job i'm reminded daily of the uh failures of our school system so
without further
ado here's the list um i'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store jesus
christ dude
like that is you know
another life another life that's the fucking job i would do you live in the
middle of nowhere and
there's not a lot of traffic you know you can ride to work with your arm
hanging out the fucking
window you know how to hunt and fish right i don't know that's very appealing
to me all right number one
all right top five dumb shit questions people have asked this poor bastard
he cuts their meat in a small town in oklahoma
uh number one is this a chicken
some jackass and sunglasses who must have been at least 40 years old didn't
know what the whole
bird look like and needed me to confirm the label item the labeled item i
thought they taught this
shit on the farm wheel oh wow uh number two is this price right a common
question you would think
i once had a lady complain about the price of ground beef at a dollar 89 a
pound pretty reasonable price
around here she then proceeded uh proceeded her grandson had been hit by a car
and died yesterday
and needed a lower lowered price how the fuck do you respond to that
well i know i would have said well why don't you go scrape them off the road
that hamburger meat's free sorry all right number three uh this will
sorry number three will this feed my family well seeing from the sweat stains
on your fat rolls i'm
going to say no every time i recommend they pick up more they say oh we don't
eat that much
uh the poor fat bastard uh number four is there a manager i can talk to uh this
one depends on if
i've shaved recently i can explain something very simple example why we're out
of stock how to prepare
something in the grocery game a beard demands respect and if you got a mustache
you're golden who knew i
didn't know that all right number five uh can you order this thing no one has
ever heard of
what normally it's some elderly folks longing for the grocery store from days
gone by
had a gentleman come in and ask you have the hot links with the with the
colored fella on them oh boy
them mexican ones ain't worth a dog dick i got to do the right accent yeah you
got them uh
them hot links with the colored fella on them them mexican ones ain't worth the
dog dick i didn't check
but i'm oh this is him i didn't check but i'm pretty certain
uh they can't they got canceled along with the uncle ben and aunt jemima wow
yeah that's old people for you they know the old songs in the uh the old
society all right casino
security all right dear billy tangerine ball bag
i'm a 24 year old paramedic in eastern canada first off thank you for the
stupidity every week
you're welcome uh these times have been very stressful on us yeah healthcare
workers and your
dumb rambling sure have helped me through a lot you're welcome anyways enough
jerking you off and
let's get down to brass tacks here before becoming a medic i worked security in
a casino for three years
god bless you you probably still hear those fucking what's that ringing from
the slots in your ears
uh here are the top five stupidest comments or questions all right what do we
got here number
five number five number five um we kicked out a guy for smoking inside the
casino
where i live smoking inside a building has been illegal since 2004 he proceeded
to lose his
shit screaming i thought it was like vegas here i gotta be honest with you i
thought you could smoke
in casinos too this dude's thought it was vegas rules in the casino because our
slogan was a taste
of vegas oh okay out of all the ones that people have written in that's the one
i would have been
like yeah i would have said the same thing can i smoke this cigar i would have
asked them you still
have to ask about a cigar number four there's a popular myth that casinos pump
oxygen to keep
people awake and to keep them playing from my experience this is absolute uh
anyway this one
guy was absolutely convinced that this was true one night he walks up to me and
said that he found
proof that we're pumping oxygen being bored and looking for entertainment i
agreed to look for his
evidence he then proceeded to show me the ac unit oh boy um number three where's
the exit
to understand this one bill you have to know that the security desk is just
outside of these massive
glass doors that overlooks the parking lot right on top of those doors is an
exit sign
uh number two uh we once had this one guy who tried multiple times coming in
with fake ids
when i first interacted with him he gave me an idea of someone i used to play
hockey with when i was
younger i laughed and told him to cut the shit because i knew the guy in the id
he then proceeded to lose
his shit and tried to argue with me that it was his id you don't understand i
know this guy this isn't you
i laughed he would not let it go until i offered to call the cops and have him
them sorted out jesus
the generate gambler or just like i got to give it up to that guy for sticking
with the lie uh number one
we were told to kick this one guy out for using inappropriate language at one
of the tables
now he didn't just say a good old fucker the guy said the n-word multiple times
oh my god
when we asked him about it he said it was all okay because his wife is black
i don't think it works like that he said jesus christ
wow anyway hopefully you enjoy these keeps the laughs coming and of course go
yourself p.s
don't feel bad i don't know what the joshua tree is okay cool dumb question for
employees banking
dear bill i know how much you hate us banker cunts i hate the system is what i
hate you know
the fact that you just can't at some point make a certain level of money and
then be like okay i'm
done it just seems like they're just gonna have you run on the wheel until you
drop
um all right i know how much you hate us banker cunts but i still wanted to
share my top five
dumb questions from working with the public and their finances for the last 10
years
well i bet if you were doing oh if you've been doing it for the last 15 years
sometime around 2005
2006 people have been like wait how the fuck am i qualified to buy this house
you would have heard
that question all right number five when referring to your to the feature of
being able to take a
picture of a check on your phone to deposit it to your account if i take a
picture of cash will that
be deposited to my account too that's almost not a dumb question because the
fact that you just take
a picture on your phone i still don't get that or trust it uh why is ben franklin
on the hundred dollar
bill he wasn't that great of a president okay for those of you don't get that
he was never a president
he says i love the arrogance of this one because not only were they confident
enough to think he was a
president but they didn't think he was a very good one at that yeah that's
hilarious yeah he's not a good
president then you know you know he's not a good president they never bring him
up whenever they talk
about the great presidents or even list the presidents all of the presidents
you never hear the guy's name
all right number three a guy called wanting to refinance his house hi i need to
buy my house again
yeah maybe that guy was educated and he was probably on you guys because he
realized
that refinancing his house he was going back to payment one where if he was
like five years into
his mortgage people don't understand that they go back you go back to payment
number one and you owe
30 years again so even though the number goes down you know your payment goes
you say your mortgage
goes from 500 to 375 a month you're still losing money and they're making more
money by refinancing your
house unless you are planning to pay it off and then you take the lower payment
so you can put more
money towards the interest and you're going to pay it off in the same time as
when it was 500 a month
then i think he could beat the system but um that's actually if he's being sarcastic
then that's
actually a funny question all right number two will you move my investments out
of this account if you
get any information before the market does oh oh jesus i hate to say it but i
would probably i'd fall
into that category i don't understand how stocks work either so he says sure
buddy i'll let you know
how well your money is going is doing when i call you from prison all right
number one a woman deposited
80 dollars in cash at the atm and accidentally punched in 800 this was back in
the day when
you had to type in how much cash you were depositing depositing and then place
it in an envelope
uh she ended up spending the 800 and then once we caught it and corrected her
account
she came in and asked asking for her 800 back
i don't even understand that that's so dumb wow i mean she should be happy that
you did that's not some
sort of uh theft because she knew that money wasn't real but then again don't
you bankers know that most
of the money that you're loaning out isn't real let's say she deposited 800 you
can loan out 100
of that plus another 800 times two can't you so don't you guys counterfeit 1600
and that's how we get
in trouble i do like the latest um uh real estate bubble the the uh the high-end
apartments or whatever
luxury apartments that you're loaning out to people with blood money from uh
different parts of the
world at least you got the money so i'm hoping because every city seems to be
doing massive amounts
of construction and nobody i know can really afford to do anything right now
and you're building all
of this that nobody can afford so it kind of seems like something bad is going
to happen is what i'm
guessing i don't know car rental hey mr billy worldwide i'm a 26 year old croatian
listener
from germany who works at a rental car who works at a rent a car front desk at
the at the airport
it sucks ass sometimes i feel like i'm robbing people blind but it pays my rent
and soon enough
i'm going to leave all that behind me i'm studying web and graphic design that's
fantastic uh through
these few years of working there have there i've been left speechless so many
times can't even remember
all of it maybe for the better and here is some of it by the way the last three
happens a lot all
right guy had a fuel up okay guy had a fuel up front option on his contract did
a two-week vacation
filled fuel a few times on different gas stations and didn't pay for it police
waited for him on the
car return when asked why he didn't pay for it he showed them up she showed
them the fuel option
on the contract and said they gave me free diesel oh my god i bet the cops were
fucking dying that's
hilarious another guy wanted to try an audi didn't know the car's name so he
asked me
can i give him the car with the olympic circles on it oh jesus that's something
i would do you know
this is just making me these are so funny but i so much of this is something i
would do something
along i wouldn't say that to the guy i would say to my wife going like what are
the you know they got
the olympic circles i don't know what the fuck is that called uh when i asked
for a credit card and
a driver's license people answer with why or even worse what is a credit card i
mean i'm trying to
rent you a car over here even worse what is a credit card oh sorry i'm trying
to make a car over here
people want me to sell them plane tickets we were at a rental car desk one lady
actually made a scene
and started yelling at me like she was adolph's nephew herself like it was my
fault she can't find
the lufthana office which by the way has its whole terminal just for lufthana i
can never say that
luf lufthana um and use her own eyes and read signs that are in her mother
language all over
the place when asked to do they cross the border when asked do they cross the
border some reply with
yeah i'm driving to australia is there anything specific i need to know under
australia they mean
austria this is what sorry people i can't fucking read today let me do this
again when at when i asked
them oh you forgot to write some words here when i asked do they if they're
going to cross the border
some reply with yeah i'm driving to australia is there anything specific i need
to know
under australia they actually mean austria this one is usually heard from you
americans how can a man
not love you thank you so much uh for the podcast love your rants and hope to
see you in munich after
all this covid shit is over congrats on the baby boy enjoy holiday the holidays
and go
fuck yourself oh that guy was from germany okay no wonder i couldn't understand
some of that shit

Bill Burr | Dumb Question on the Job: Lifeguard, Butcher, Casino Security, Banker, & Car Rental

we have a new category here in the monday monday podcast of uh people who work
with the general public we have a top five dumb questions top five dumb
questions people have
asked you whether you work at one of the few blockbuster videos left or if you
know i don't
know you work at a fucking starbucks lifeguard dear mr burr i've been working
and interacting with
the public as a lifeguard on the beach for the last five years the first four
as my full-time gig
uh since you're on the big red chair and staring at the ocean people look at
you as the guy with
all the answers the beach i work at is a popular tourist destination and i have
heard some pretty
dumb questions from these fat pale hawaiian shirt wearing socks and flip-flops
sneakers on the sand
mainlanders but god bless these assholes because they can't swim for shit and
provide me with a
great job security here are my top five all right so you got new listeners here
these are uh top five
you work with the public dumb questions that people ask you number one where is
the bridge going to go
beach patron asked this while pointing at the pier which was being repaired
after some storm damage
mind you appear leasing into the ocean atlantic ocean oh boy leasing is that
the word uh number two
a lady walked over from her and her husband's umbrella to ask me who trains the
dolphins i told her that the
lifeguards get to work early for their training sessions she turned to her
husband and yelled honey the lifeguards train the
dolphins
oh jesus they've been to they must have had a season pass at sea world never
been to the beach uh number three
this one needs no explanation uh to do this job do you have to be good at
swimming
jesus christ number four top five dumb things to ask a lifeguard um we're from
kansas and can't swim good
should we get in jesus christ not past your cankles lady this guy's got some
jokes here i like this guy
um this final question is the one i get most frequently
uh are there any sharks out there answer only big ones the looks i get are so
priceless sometimes i
actually start laughing um i'm never off duty and i just and i must remind the
listeners if you're
stuck in a rip current swim parallel to the shore before swimming in and always
swim near a lifeguard
thanks for making my ride to work in solo sits on the tower fly by how do i
register to the contrarian
party for next election come to florida when the virus is out of the air and
you won't get a tan line
from your mask thanks and go fuck yourself you pasty bastard um
uh you know that rip the riptide rip current whatever they call it that fascinates
me
like how fucking frightening that is as you're getting pulled out into the
ocean you're just
supposed to be like oh okay the ocean seems to want me more than the land does
right now and i'm just
gonna relax do a little side stroke um the ocean scares the fucking shit out of
me i i i don't go in
it i have no plans to go in it i just you know i've always maintained if if
there was one lobster
without the rubber bands around its claws in somebody's pool you'd be like get
that thing the
fuck out of there or i'm not going in there people go to the beach everything's
in there all right
it's it's it's fucking crazy i i don't understand why people do that shit but
you know god bless you
god bless you good luck with that all right butcher edition greetings from oklahoma
you freckled face
fuck up i'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store that sounds great
actually sounds like a
really good job i'm reminded daily of the uh failures of our school system so
without further
ado here's the list um i'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store jesus
christ dude
like that is you know
another life another life that's the fucking job i would do you live in the
middle of nowhere and
there's not a lot of traffic you know you can ride to work with your arm
hanging out the fucking
window you know how to hunt and fish right i don't know that's very appealing
to me all right number one
all right top five dumb shit questions people have asked this poor bastard
he cuts their meat in a small town in oklahoma
uh number one is this a chicken
some jackass and sunglasses who must have been at least 40 years old didn't
know what the whole
bird look like and needed me to confirm the label item the labeled item i
thought they taught this
shit on the farm wheel oh wow uh number two is this price right a common
question you would think
i once had a lady complain about the price of ground beef at a dollar 89 a
pound pretty reasonable price
around here she then proceeded uh proceeded her grandson had been hit by a car
and died yesterday
and needed a lower lowered price how the fuck do you respond to that
well i know i would have said well why don't you go scrape them off the road
that hamburger meat's free sorry all right number three uh this will
sorry number three will this feed my family well seeing from the sweat stains
on your fat rolls i'm
going to say no every time i recommend they pick up more they say oh we don't
eat that much
uh the poor fat bastard uh number four is there a manager i can talk to uh this
one depends on if
i've shaved recently i can explain something very simple example why we're out
of stock how to prepare
something in the grocery game a beard demands respect and if you got a mustache
you're golden who knew i
didn't know that all right number five uh can you order this thing no one has
ever heard of
what normally it's some elderly folks longing for the grocery store from days
gone by
had a gentleman come in and ask you have the hot links with the with the
colored fella on them oh boy
them mexican ones ain't worth a dog dick i got to do the right accent yeah you
got them uh
them hot links with the colored fella on them them mexican ones ain't worth the
dog dick i didn't check
but i'm oh this is him i didn't check but i'm pretty certain
uh they can't they got canceled along with the uncle ben and aunt jemima wow
yeah that's old people for you they know the old songs in the uh the old
society all right casino
security all right dear billy tangerine ball bag
i'm a 24 year old paramedic in eastern canada first off thank you for the
stupidity every week
you're welcome uh these times have been very stressful on us yeah healthcare
workers and your
dumb rambling sure have helped me through a lot you're welcome anyways enough
jerking you off and
let's get down to brass tacks here before becoming a medic i worked security in
a casino for three years
god bless you you probably still hear those fucking what's that ringing from
the slots in your ears
uh here are the top five stupidest comments or questions all right what do we
got here number
five number five number five um we kicked out a guy for smoking inside the
casino
where i live smoking inside a building has been illegal since 2004 he proceeded
to lose his
shit screaming i thought it was like vegas here i gotta be honest with you i
thought you could smoke
in casinos too this dude's thought it was vegas rules in the casino because our
slogan was a taste
of vegas oh okay out of all the ones that people have written in that's the one
i would have been
like yeah i would have said the same thing can i smoke this cigar i would have
asked them you still
have to ask about a cigar number four there's a popular myth that casinos pump
oxygen to keep
people awake and to keep them playing from my experience this is absolute uh
anyway this one
guy was absolutely convinced that this was true one night he walks up to me and
said that he found
proof that we're pumping oxygen being bored and looking for entertainment i
agreed to look for his
evidence he then proceeded to show me the ac unit oh boy um number three where's
the exit
to understand this one bill you have to know that the security desk is just
outside of these massive
glass doors that overlooks the parking lot right on top of those doors is an
exit sign
uh number two uh we once had this one guy who tried multiple times coming in
with fake ids
when i first interacted with him he gave me an idea of someone i used to play
hockey with when i was
younger i laughed and told him to cut the shit because i knew the guy in the id
he then proceeded to lose
his shit and tried to argue with me that it was his id you don't understand i
know this guy this isn't you
i laughed he would not let it go until i offered to call the cops and have him
them sorted out jesus
the generate gambler or just like i got to give it up to that guy for sticking
with the lie uh number one
we were told to kick this one guy out for using inappropriate language at one
of the tables
now he didn't just say a good old fucker the guy said the n-word multiple times
oh my god
when we asked him about it he said it was all okay because his wife is black
i don't think it works like that he said jesus christ
wow anyway hopefully you enjoy these keeps the laughs coming and of course go
yourself p.s
don't feel bad i don't know what the joshua tree is okay cool dumb question for
employees banking
dear bill i know how much you hate us banker cunts i hate the system is what i
hate you know
the fact that you just can't at some point make a certain level of money and
then be like okay i'm
done it just seems like they're just gonna have you run on the wheel until you
drop
um all right i know how much you hate us banker cunts but i still wanted to
share my top five
dumb questions from working with the public and their finances for the last 10
years
well i bet if you were doing oh if you've been doing it for the last 15 years
sometime around 2005
2006 people have been like wait how the fuck am i qualified to buy this house
you would have heard
that question all right number five when referring to your to the feature of
being able to take a
picture of a check on your phone to deposit it to your account if i take a
picture of cash will that
be deposited to my account too that's almost not a dumb question because the
fact that you just take
a picture on your phone i still don't get that or trust it uh why is ben franklin
on the hundred dollar
bill he wasn't that great of a president okay for those of you don't get that
he was never a president
he says i love the arrogance of this one because not only were they confident
enough to think he was a
president but they didn't think he was a very good one at that yeah that's
hilarious yeah he's not a good
president then you know you know he's not a good president they never bring him
up whenever they talk
about the great presidents or even list the presidents all of the presidents
you never hear the guy's name
all right number three a guy called wanting to refinance his house hi i need to
buy my house again
yeah maybe that guy was educated and he was probably on you guys because he
realized
that refinancing his house he was going back to payment one where if he was
like five years into
his mortgage people don't understand that they go back you go back to payment
number one and you owe
30 years again so even though the number goes down you know your payment goes
you say your mortgage
goes from 500 to 375 a month you're still losing money and they're making more
money by refinancing your
house unless you are planning to pay it off and then you take the lower payment
so you can put more
money towards the interest and you're going to pay it off in the same time as
when it was 500 a month
then i think he could beat the system but um that's actually if he's being sarcastic
then that's
actually a funny question all right number two will you move my investments out
of this account if you
get any information before the market does oh oh jesus i hate to say it but i
would probably i'd fall
into that category i don't understand how stocks work either so he says sure
buddy i'll let you know
how well your money is going is doing when i call you from prison all right
number one a woman deposited
80 dollars in cash at the atm and accidentally punched in 