Name: Bill Burr | Filthy Neighbor
Uploaded: 2020-12-30T12:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Filthy Neighbor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Filthy Neighbor' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-30. Transcript available.

cunt neighbor canada oh everybody's got one
i have a fucking cunt living right next door to me
all right i'd like to fucking murder him
i can't tell you what rhymes with that and something that is only three i don't
want to
say that right hey billy neat freak i am i am in canada go habs oh i'm canadian
fans hey dude
how about how about fucking the nhl coming back is it january 13th or january
16th and one of the
first games they have is the flyers versus the penguins i can't fucking wait i
can't fucking
wait they get a triple header that day i'll be watching every game um i have a
disrespectful
cunty neighbor of course you do you're up there where all canadian fans are um
as far as i know
they are renting the house and i believe there are two separate units in this
house upstairs and
downstairs i have only said hi to these people and don't care to go much
further than that
in this neighborly relationship that's always smart uh we have weekly garbage
and recycling pickup where
i live which is likely similar similar to most but this also means i have
weekly trash pickup in my yard
these fucks next door choose to leave their garbage and recycle bins on their
front steps completely
exposed to the wind which inevitably only blows one way into my yard their
trash rarely makes it into these bins
uh though as they believe their front yard backyard and driveway are the best
place for their drive-through
greasy discards you lost me there oh they're just throwing shit into their yard
i continually pick up what
lands in my yard and beyond clearly i miss a fair amount that blows right
through and eventually down to
someone else's problem and eventually the water we all know the story there my
question do i approach
these fucks and ask them to clean up their rack that may be an easy yes so if
it is a yes what if it
continues after i approach them which is my presumption that it will yeah i
mean
i i i don't know i don't know what i would do like when you get to that level
of fucking stupid
you know and the fact that they're comfortable just living in their filth
um i'll finish reading this i think i already have how i would
handle this uh if all else fails or if i choose to go this route in the first
place uh send along
some legal ideas to discreetly mess with them without much thought i've come up
with the obvious
cranking music late at night which will obviously mess with other neighbors or
taking all the garbage that
ends up my lawn and throwing it in their backyard but that will go nowhere and
just repeat the cycle
with no winners both ideas are very discreet not very discreet either my
patience only goes so far
before it boils over and i'm trying to work on that myself but this is one
where i don't think
i if i don't think this one through i may end up over there with an urge to
yell uh you know what it is uh thanks um
this is what i would do okay this those people are not raised right they're
fucking animals and
and the best possible scenario for those people
because they're walking out it's not like they're setting the trash cans out
there without a lid on and
then they go in and they sleep and then they get up late and they don't see
that it's blown around
you're saying that they walk past trash in their yard anyway and they're fine
with it so best case
scenario those people at the very least are those asshole people that not when
they rent something they
don't treat it with respect and they actually like actually to treat it with
disrespect because it's
not theirs they beat on it you know like a rental car um so if i was you what i
would do i would just
i mean i'm a fucking lunatic when it comes to like shit like that so i would
just i would just pick it
all up i pick it all up and if they ever saw me doing it
you know if i'm in their yard and they're just walking by whatever they say to
me that's how i would
react i would just laugh and be like you know i was going to ask you to do this
but you walk by it
every day so i know it doesn't bother you you know and then maybe you call him
an animal i don't know
but then he just gets going like i i don't like i i there's no the thing about
when you're dealing
with that level of level of ignorance there's no way to win those people win in
life but their
punishment is their life and you have to somehow there that's what it is you
just have to take peace
in that okay and if it really gets out of fucking control um
i can't rat people out i would just say to him like listen do you guys mind
just picking up the yard a
little bit because it's kind of blowing into my yard and just see how they are
if they're cunts
about it then i would just be like listen i don't want to complain to your
landlord i don't want to
be that guy all right but i also i'm not your fucking cleaning lady here can
you pick up your stuff
see and it's where's that gonna go where does it go what are they gonna somehow
become like
responsible um empathetic adults i hate to say this dude you're living next to
animals they're fucking
animals okay and you just have to you know i don't know you got to have some
sort of peace knowing that
none of their dreams will come true that's the best like the trash in the yard
is like it it's it
represents who they are as people all right does that work oh i feel for you
man i can tell you that
i feel for you because that would fucking drive me up the wall but what i would
do is i would i would
just go into the yard and i would fucking make it spotless i would just clean
it up i would just clean
it up and i would just say like listen i'm sorry i'm over here in your yard and
i i get it you guys
don't mind living like animals but i can't live like this i can't live like
this i don't know who
raised you but i'm sorry for whatever happened to you during your childhood
that you live like this
i would just go like that like positive sarcastic and you know i'd call you a
landlord but i don't
want to rat people out so i'm just over here doing this but i just want you to
know that like
i have no respect for you whatsoever have a nice day maybe just go like that
just a big smile on your
face like i can't believe you're an adult i mean look at this you know
you you you got you know there's the a brain there's the b brain and then there's
the brain that
you got right i know you can't help this and really take a look at this yard
because this is the best
your life's ever going to be but then then what are they going to do start
throwing punches then you
gotta fight some fucking jerk off next door i don't know there's there's uh
there's a lot of
mental energy to live next to somebody like that oh god i actually you know i
as much as i like this
subject but this actually i i kind of i've lived next to people like this is
bringing up some bad
fucking memories i used to just i would just handle this shit like when i lived
with fucking messy
roommates i would just come home you know after being on the road and i
remember my two of my
roommates were in a fight you know this silent i took out the trash last time
you know blah blah blah
blah this dumb stupid fucking it's about respect shit and i came in and they
were both out and i just
cleaned up the whole fucking apartment and i didn't say a fucking word and then
one of them finally said
like hey did you clean up all in here i was like yeah man i can't i can't
fucking live like that and
then then they sort of behaved like adults but whenever i would go on the road
i'd come back and
they were back to acting like fucking kids again but i never felt like i
remember a long time ago i went
to a uh a college football game and it was this weird sort of deal where it was
my group of friends
and this other group of friends and one of our friends knew the other group and
we were sort of
like sharing the house and everybody was just fucking like animals it was empty
beer cans and just shit all
over the fucking place and i came in and i immediately i just made the kitchen
fucking spotless
and one of the other guys was just like go you didn't have to fucking do that i
said yeah dude i
did i'm an adult i'm not fucking i'm not going to try to make a sandwich when
this dislike you know
had like like like a quarter of a beer left with cigarette butts in it it's
like yeah dude i'm not
living like an animal when i'm out here all right i was raised right and that
was it and then
everybody just started throwing out their fucking empties maybe you can do that
maybe you can try
and lead by example you don't just go over and clean up their fucking yard when
they come walking
out like you know what are you doing it's doing dude i can't live like this i
can't live like this
this this will affect this affects your whole day you're living in squalor
maybe you go that route
like buddy don't you want to win in life this isn't how you win you gotta
attack the fucking day you
don't just fucking throw shit into the wind come on man you're better than this
try to amp them up
go over there with a coach's hat and a whistle i don't know what to tell you
dude other than i feel
for you um but you know maybe they won't be there forever
um or maybe you can buy some trash lids trash can lids
maybe you can do that maybe you just do that and then when they go to put out
the trash all you have
to do you walk over you just put the fucking lids on their fucking trash cans i
don't know just you
know what why don't you just look at it like this they're children you live
next to fucking children
and you just have to be the adult one of the worst things about being adult is
all the times you have
to be a bigger person and i think this is just one of those times it is you
know i wish it was like
the movies where you could go over there like steven seagal and give him a
fucking roundhouse
you know if you knew how to do that shit or whatever whatever fucking karate he
knows you know but
then you get sued the next thing you know you're renting right
well i i this i think this is the most effort i've ever put into a fucking
answer i'm trying to i'm
trying to give you as many options as possible but like i don't i think i kind
of i like i like to
going over i like think out of all the bullshit i just said i think i like the
going over there
and just being positive come on man you can't live like this
just don't go that way you're better than this shit i mean
don't you want to own a house someday don't you want don't you want to meet a
beautiful woman
and have her respect you and want want to have kids with you start a family
wake up every day looking at her like i can't believe i'm married to that don't
you don't you want
that how the fuck are you going to get that living in a junkyard
Come on, man. Precious time is passing.