Name: FMTV - Bill & Nia | Raccoon v. Iguana
Uploaded: 2021-01-01T12:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'FMTV - Bill & Nia | Raccoon v. Iguana' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'FMTV - Bill & Nia | Raccoon v. Iguana' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-01. Transcript available.

I am not a big believer in fucking with nature.
Okay, so if nature is making your head fall, your hair fall out, then let it go.
You play the hand that you are dealt and you play it to the best.
Right.
So I keep myself in shape.
I grew the beard.
I just shaved it off and this is who I am.
You were talking about shaving your beard off the other day and I was just like,
why
would you ever do that?
Because I miss my face.
Oh, Jesus.
Did you see that video on Twitter?
Woo-hoo, Romanian woman.
No.
Did you see that video on Twitter of the raccoon?
This is in Florida.
Raccoon, you know, Mike, one of my least favorite animals, like attacking a
lizard, like one of
those big fucking lizards and like chasing it through a parking lot.
Oh my God, I'm getting the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.
Chasing it through a parking lot and just like sinking its like teeth into its
neck and just
holding it down and then like dragging it out of frame and then the person pans
over to
what looks like a snake flapping around and you're just like, what the fuck is
going on?
Then you realize it's the tail.
It's the lizard's tail that has somehow gotten like away from the lizard's body
and it's still
flapping around on its own.
It's the most fucked up video ever.
I love it.
It's the worst nature video.
I got to watch it.
I fucking hate, I hate reptiles.
It's so awful.
I don't hate reptiles.
Ooh, reptile woman.
Can you imagine calling a show reptiles?
Yes.
Did I come in here to answer a question or?
No, no, no.
I want to see raccoon versus lizard.
Yeah, Florida.
Because you know all that shit always happens in Florida.
Oh, yeah.
Florida is fucking crazy.
Raccoon kills iguana.
Iguana.
Oh, man.
I like iguanas.
Iggy.
You're about to get your heart broken.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I like iguanas.
It's so brutal.
Dude, what the fuck does Gordon Ramsay have to do with a goddamn lizard eat?
Oh, I see.
He's fixing these people's restaurant.
That's hilarious.
Dude, my favorite part about him going to those restaurants is when Gordon
Ramsay starts gagging.
Right.
There's always something in the fucking freezer.
No, it smells that bad.
Oh, when they have meat from like, you know, 2002 in there.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
One time, like, I thought he was just acting and then the cameraman almost puked.
I was like, oh, wow, that's real.
All right, here we go.
Oh, no.
Get him.
Oh, look at his tail.
Oh, no.
He's going.
Oh.
Should I stop the fight?
No.
Yeah, he's dead.
Yo.
Let him go, dog.
And now he's here.
Where the fuck did that goddamn...
Holy fuck, dude.
Those things are in a basis for Jesus anyways.
Holy fuck, bro.
Let's check.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Let me ask you this, Chris.
Who the fuck...
Nobody has an iguana in...
That's a pet.
Somebody just let that thing go.
What you just saw was how long I would last in prison.
You know, I was really...
Like, that guy was saying...
That fucking lizard did not have a goddamn chance.
Yeah.
It's not natural to fucking Florida.
Somebody got sick of feeding it grasshoppers and it just let it go and then it
got eaten
by a fuck.
You imagine that lizard being like, what in the fuck is this thing?
You would survive in prison based on your wits...
Good looks.
And your...
Yeah, well...
No, because you, like, have so much anger inside of you that you would be able
to channel
it and you'd be able to, like, the funny, like, killer guy.
He'll make you laugh, but oh, he'll make you cry.
No.
I'm sorry.
That was terrible.
Anything I've learned from anybody in prison is just, like, some of the
toughest fucking
guys I've ever met, they were like, do not go in there acting like you're the
toughest
fucking guy because you're not.
Who has conversations like that?
Like, why do you even think about, like, how you would do in prison?
Like, is there something that you need to tell me?
No.
It's just you just watch those things.
I mean, it's a fucking option.
Yeah.
It can happen.
I never think about that.
I never think about how would I do in prison.
Well, I don't live in your privileged world.
Oh, here we go.
Wait, but I wanted to say something about the, um.
Let's try to say less.
Oh, wait, wait.
So that guy on the video was saying, oh, should I break up the fight?
Should I stop it?
And I said no.
I don't understand why people, why people, feel like they need to get, like,
involved in
nature.
I was reading this article.
I saw it on Instagram.
Because we already were involved.
What do you mean?
Because whoever fucking bought that lizard to Florida was a white person on
some level is
what I'm guessing.
Well, I'm just saying, like, sometimes you just have to let, I left this
comment on New
York, uh, the New York Magazine Instagram page because they had a whole article
about
how seals are snorting eels.
Seal, sea lions are snorting eels as like this, they're, like they're young and
they snort
them.
It's like for fun or something like that.
And someone left a comment like, oh, I hope whoever took that picture, like put
the camera
down and like intervened and like help that poor sea lion.
And I was like, sometimes you just got to let nature, nature.
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, they're snorting eels?
They're snorting eels.
Wait.
You have to Google it.
Sea lions are snorting eels.
Like, like doing like a line of coke.
Yes.
And there's a picture of a snail with like a sea lion with a very satisfied
look on its
face with an eel up its nose.
That's just what they're doing now.
I don't know why.
But someone was like, oh, somebody should intervene and pull it out.
And it's like, just let nature do what it's going to do.
That's them planking or like throwing the water bottle and having it land.
That's like their little Instagram moment.
Yeah, that's exactly what scientists were saying.
They're like, it's a new thing that they just apparently are just doing for fun
because they
can do.
So it's like, just let them snort.
Like, you don't have to get involved to like seal.
Like what?
What is, I don't know.
I don't understand that impulse to intervene when nature is natureing.
Because white people are control freaks.
It's one thing if you see a coyote attacking your cat or dog, of course.
But I mean, if it's a sea lion and an eel or an iguana and a fucking raccoon,
like leave
it alone.
You're saying that a dog and a cat is more of an animal worth saving than a
lizard or
an eel.
One of them is my past.
That is animal racism.
Animalphobic?
Speciism?
You're wildaphobic.
You don't like wild animals.
No, I'm saying if they're in the wild and they're doing their thing, just let
them
do what they're going to do.
Why do you need to get involved?
And like, how do you decide whose side to be on?
Just because the iguana is losing, all of a sudden you're anti the raccoon?
Like, you know.
You go lighter skin.
You pick the lighter skin animal.