Name: Bill Burr | Stories From Bill's Childhood
Uploaded: 2021-03-26T11:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Stories From Bill's Childhood' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Stories From Bill's Childhood' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-26. Transcript available.

but then again when i was a kid i really got sick of chicken a la king chipped
beef on toast
cube steaks um tuna casserole oh my god that was the worst um what do they call
those noodles that
she put in my mother used to put these oh were they chinese noodles asian
noodles what do you
come chinese i'm afraid to do this now noodles is that what they are yeah those
little no the little
hard things that's what she said um i don't know what they were there was a
little they looked like
they were toasted and she would put those in there and my older brother told me
that they were worms
and it was like heated up tuna which i already fucking can't stand and then he
told me there
was worms in them and oh my god i can't remember how long i sat there you guys
have a mom like mine
or whatever she made you had to sit you're gonna sit there until you finish
that she had a a sandwich
spread which were really big back in the day sandwich spreads and when i tell
you this this sandwich
spread look like vomit i mean it was just like uh let me see sandwich spread
that's fucking show me
mayonnaise here let me see if i can find this thing vintage sandwich spread
recipe see oh my god
part of the internet am i on now oh there it is yeah oh god i must fucking gag
looking at it oh my god
oh it didn't taste bad it just looked it was like i guess this has ground up
baloney
and mayonnaise and then you could just you know zhuzh it up however you wanted
to so my mother would make
this shit
and we it was funny she knew we didn't like it but we had so many kids that it
was just like i don't have
fucking time the menu is what it what it is when you when you when you move out
someday you can eat
whatever you want to eat as long as you're in this house that's shit right so
she would be making it
she had like a meat grinder and she'd be fucking grinding up the fucking hand
fucking thing just
grinding this shit up and we would just see it like on wow are you making
sandwich you're making that
sandwich but mom it looks like throw up it does not
she just would make it and then she'd put it on white bread and we would just
sit there
and then she'd be eating oh there's nothing wrong with it there's nothing wrong
with it and we would
just be sitting there mom i don't want to eat it no you straighten up sit up
straight in your seat
you're going to eat that and we would just sit there and sit there and sit
there and in a way
i think she did it on purpose because then she had all of her kids just she
knew where we were
and we were just sitting there and then she could go off clean the house or pay
some bills whatever the
fuck she had to do and we would just be sitting there in lockdown staring at
these fucking sandwiches
that looked like somebody took some cold puke and put it between two slices of
wonder bread just
and i was just fucking sitting there so long at one point the bread was
starting to get stale and i'm not
exaggerating that's like a couple of hours my ass was falling asleep in the
fucking wooden chair
and then one of my younger brothers got up and he had half a fucking sandwich
left
and i just finished mine and then he took his and he dropped it behind the
stereo my dad had this big
like back you know hi-fi system so there was like you know all the records were
on the bottom and then
the stereo was on top and then there was a thing that came up behind it had a
back on it up there was
the speakers he dropped it behind there and oh my god i it was one of the best
laughs of of that year
of my childhood i don't know what about it struck me as so funny there was
something about the fact
that i ate mine and he didn't and that he had the balls to do it but was also
like young and dumb
enough to not realize that he was gonna get caught the whole fucking thing was
just so goddamn funny
that we were all just sitting there crying laughing and then my mother comes in
and all the sandwiches were gone and we had these shitty grins on our faces we
were all laughing
she's like you ate them all up you're like yeah yeah we ate them and she knew
we were full of shit
but she was fucking busy
so i don't know how long it took for that fucking thing to start smelling or
what or what the fuck
happened the funny thing is is we all forgot about it so when she was saying
what is that smell do you
guys smell that there's a smell in here we were just like yeah i don't know
what that is you know i
you know was there an easter egg somebody didn't find we had no fucking idea
what it was and then
she finally fucking found the thing oh my god it was so funny it was fucking
hilarious and then he got busted
and got paddled you know my dad was in a fraternity and he kept the paddle so
my mother used to fucking
hit us with that back when you could do shit like that um
back when you could do shit like that i remember one time she was driving home
she said two of my younger
brothers she said if you two don't knock it off i'm pulling over the side of rome
we're gonna spank
your bare asses right on the side of the street and she was so mellow you know
she wasn't the vol to
one she was mellow so we just kept testing her and my younger brothers did and
she pulled over
and she did it and the funny thing is she did it on the driver's side too
it was uh what the was it i forget what that thing was i remember it was she
was doing it and i was
like oh my god and i was laughing my ass off my brothers were crying and people
were driving by
laughing like beeping horns they thought it was the funniest thing ever now
somebody would videotape
that and they would have taken her kids away you know and my mother was a great
mother and we
deserve i you know when i look back i deserved every goddamn time every
fucking time she was right and it's funny i have absolutely no anger or issues
about getting getting fucking hit with that fucking paddle zero
and what all i do is just laugh about the shit that i did
sprayed a garden hose through the fucking screen window at my brother one time
but
fucking soak the kitchen he pissed me off i remember he threw dish water at me
because we had to do the dishes every other night we had a night right um
that was our chore or whatever and i was giving him
shit because it was his night to do dishes right so i was running my yap
so he took a handful of hot soapy water and just slapped me off the back of my
head and neck as hard
as he fucking could to the point you know i saw like stars and then i turn
around so mad and he's
looking at me like what i'm your older brother what the fuck are you gonna do
so so i showed him i went outside right out the side door and what was
hilarious
is right as he figured out what i was gonna do i had turned the water on
and i just missed him i just missed him and then i was so mad i wasn't thinking
about the ramifications
of my act and it all went through the fucking window and i immediately brought
it down and i
shut off the water and ran around to the other side of the house and all i was
thinking was like wow that
was a lot of water
my mother's probably going in there right now trying to figure out what's going
to happen and then you
know the inevitable happened inevitable happened get in here
the best thing was was you got the beating first and then you had to clean up
so then you were doing
that that that that fucking cry is you're sitting there with the paper towels
as they're giving
your shit for using too many paper towels you can't clean all of that up look
at that wall um yeah
it was a hilarious time