Name: Bill Burr - FMTV | Gold & Other Conspiracies
Uploaded: 2021-04-09T11:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Gold & Other Conspiracies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | Gold & Other Conspiracies' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

buying gold uh dear billy throwback was listening to an old podcast where you
said you were going to
buy gold because the economy was unstable oh yeah it was a little unstable yes
10 years ago yeah i
would say it was a little unstable i'd say i had my finger on the pulse a year
after the big
fucking crash uh two years at that point um did you ever buy gold to stash away
in case our currency
crashed why would i say that on the podcast uh i think some people are treating
bitcoin in the same
way thanks and go fuck yourself uh yeah i thought about doing that until i
found out how fucking
difficult it is to buy gold coins it's very hard to get your hands on some gold
and then when then i
just realized you know if i have a fucking gold coin what am i gonna do with it
so say the dollar
crashes and nobody has any money and then i'm walking down the street with a
bag of gold coins
nobody has any money they can't pay anybody and that is a guy from the sandwich
store gonna fucking
show up also known as a deli is he gonna show up at the deli and i'm gonna come
walking in
as he's not getting paid and then i have a gold coin and is he gonna give me
fucking change for that
somebody told me we'll get some silver coins they're not worth as much
yeah i don't i you know something i don't need that fucking headache
um if you got gold coins what you want to do is trade that in for some fucking
cyanide pills
okay and then when everything goes to shit and people are coming up your
driveway that you know
like you're in that fucking movie us yeah you just fucking you take your uh you
kill me pills
i think that's the way to do it
you know get a flat screen tv on all four walls of every fucking room you have
just blow out the fucking ozone layer as much as you can and when the shit goes
to hell you know
just watch it on all your tvs and you know when you recognize the helicopter
surveillance footage
and you're like oh fuck that's my house so they ran outside then you take your
pills
you build a panic room yeah but i think it's still smoky out i would think
there's always a way in
i think what you do i like the underground shit i think that's the way to go
when people take you
know basically you know those shit things that they unload from those fucking
ships down at the wharf and then they stick them on the back of a truck uh 18
wheeler chassis you
know those things from the second season of uh the wire they find all those
fucking poor people in there
right spoiler alert the second season of the wire from fucking 15 years ago
um i like the people they they get those things buried but the problem is the
problem is is you got
to dig the hole yourself because if you hire a contractor with a backhoe
you know sorry just you on there he's going to be asking all kinds of questions
well you what are you doing here man
you fucking you making a lap pull or something
no i just need you getting rid of your ex-wife
oh shit
nah people would figure it out i'd say that's the way you that's the way you
kill your wife
you know because they always say they never they never dig lower than like six
feet
maybe you watch all those murders she wrote unsolved fucking that murder she
wrote what are those
unsolved murder fucking the first 48
they're always burying people in a shallow grave and they always get fucking
caught
or they just dump it in the woods
just shoddy of all the fucking times to not
dot all your i's and cross all your t's when you're dumping a fucking body
you know
if you just didn't kill somebody in in a crime of passion if you're actually
pre-meditating the fucking you dig the hole first
and go lower than fucking you know
go lower than six feet
you got all fucking that person's alive they were alive for a long fucking time
you got all fucking just
go down ten feet
ten fucking feet right that's what you do
you go cool hand luke times like fucking three
can you fucking i'm going to fuck kind of lunatics are out can you imagine
digging a fucking hole for somebody that you know you're gonna kill
you're not in the middle of digging that hole going fuck am i doing
why don't i find another fucking when i just you know
fight the guy
when i just let it go
and i'll go have a couple of fucking beers or something like that
i'm gonna kill this person and then risk going to jail for life and then having
to join
then at that point you know then what do you do you're a white dude you just
killed somebody
now you got to go through the pain in the ass
of fucking going to the prison library and cramming on adolf hitler so you can
come off as a legit nazi and join the fucking aryan brotherhood and then you
got to listen to that dumb shit every fucking day for the rest of your life you
know
you think an aa meeting's bad when you're just a binge drinker man wait till
you fucking try that shit
what just happened to my headphones
everything was good now i can't hear myself hello hello
is it still going what happened i literally just moved
oh god don't don't do this to me
it's having such a fun time and then all of a sudden i can't hear myself oh i
see what happened
i moved in the wire turned the volume down
you guys were all panicking there oh christ this fucking guy with no producer
he's not going to be able to figure it out
because my fucking laptop is losing its charge
nah fucking i can't move over here because my headphone cord is too short
you know you wouldn't you wouldn't think that i'm 10 years into this podcast
listening to this these these fucking
technology fucking problems
every fucking person that i started out with and started doing a podcast they
fucking
built some howard stern level studio or some version of it
you know what i mean
i'm like the native american of fucking podcasting you know they just live the
same way essentially
at least that's what the history books say you know they just fucking
this is how you kill a deer and this is how you use all of it
all right
i mean you want these fucking you know it's fucking hilarious all these fucking
douchebag
white people out there fucking with their stupid ideas about minimalism
acting like they came up with that shit
what about the native americans
can the fuck this motherfucking goddamn fucking who the fuck came up with the
no i don't do this anymore
that's it right there goes to floor number four and then that's it
who the fuck came up with this stupid fucking magnet
fucking plug
on the goddamn apple computer
stupid fucking
cunts
have you ever seen the apple building by the way
there's so many fucking companies they're just out of control
they're fucking it looks like the pentagon
no it doesn't build to circle the pentagon is a
i just realized
as far as shapes go
how dumb that sounded
i saw this round building you know what it looked like to me the pentagon
hey
who went to summer school for math almost every fucking year
this guy
this guy
who's a fucking stupid fucked up
fucking assholes
stupid magnet
you know how many fucking times
i've had to replug that thing in
do you understand as a
a person living in a first world country
that that's the most difficult thing i have to deal with
can't imagine the sad person that makes this fucking plug
how funny is it that they go after comedians for jokes
and all these fucking
goddamn companies have like sweatshop labor
and that's all fine
that's all fine
well if we made the computers here
that cost 90 million dollars
no they wouldn't
they wouldn't
if you actually paid people
and you paid
and gave them benefits
and you took it out of your end
you know they always say that
well we could make shirts here
but they cost
seven hundred dollars each
it's like how little are you paying people to sell these things together
because they're not going to take a pay cut
because they're going to stay in their yacht
with their mountain of cocaine
and their fucking horse
that's the biggest problem with the fucking world
is whores will fuck anything if it has money
maybe if whores had standards
all of these fucking guys wouldn't be fucking doing what i'm doing whatever it
takes
doing whatever it takes to get a fine piece of fucking pussy that never did
anything other than suck my dick
sitting next to me on my yacht
with my fucking name
stitched into the fucking seat
oh is there anything better than when a yacht sinks
other than the crew
oh it's just my favorite thing ever
it just doesn't happen enough
it just doesn't happen enough
you know
can you imagine that
you're sleeping in the bowels of that thing
like the things you had to do to get that fucking yacht
and all of a sudden you start taking on water
and the radio isn't working
and for the first time in years
you're thinking about a higher power
and all the sins you have to fucking confess to
how fast are you fucking yammering
as you start to feel the water coming up around your fucking
sheepskin fucking slippers
whatever the fuck rich people have
everybody can have sheepskin bill
sheepskin's not expensive
all right probably some endangered species
baby seal fucking
slippers would have been a better reference
whatever
next podcast
I'll get it next podcast
yeah so I got into conspiracy theory
and all of that type of shit
but I got into the
I got into the scary part of
conspiracy theory
I was reading about shit that was actually happening
and then people's theories about it
I wasn't reading about you know
shapeshifters and fucking
the government actually has a flying saucer
in the area of 51
whatever the fuck
all that shit was just like
oh really okay whatever
I got more into the economies
and banking
and
you know
corporate greed
and
politicians
and how the whole fucking thing works
and
offshore accounts
and just all of this
I got into that stuff
I didn't get into
like you know
we're actually aliens
aliens
that were dropped
by a fucking flying saucer
and they're watching us
it's a big experiment
I didn't get into that
the government has time machines
and
the former you's gonna come
I never got into that fucking crazy shit