Name: Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 1
Uploaded: 2021-06-10T11:01:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-10. Transcript available.

you know those moments in life where you just let somebody walk all over you
before you even
realize it's happening and then 10 minutes later you think the thing that you
should have said
donut dreams hello bill i'm a big fan of yours and can't wait to see you when
you when you tour
through my town this september i was listening to the may 31st podcast and i
have a story about
time i wish i could go back and tell this donut baking asshole to fuck himself
and that his donuts
suck all right here we go i was with two of my friends and we were going to our
local donut shop
one late night because we had the munchies at the time is was eating a lot of
peanut butter okay at
the time i was eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because i was
broke and they are
easy to make in my altered mood i was curious what a peanut butter and jelly
donut would taste like
so i got all excited dude how fucking high were you hey man what if you
combined a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich with the donut man uh so i got all excited yep and you were
one with the world
and you walked in where this sober cunt was making donuts gee what could go
wrong here so i got excited
about the potential of this store having a donut with jelly and peanut butter
we get to the store and i
start looking over the donuts for something that might have jelly and peanut
butter i see a donut that might
have jelly or something i can't remember exactly what happened but asked the
baker is that grape jelly
the baker responds grape jelly what are you pregnant
i'm sorry that's fucking hilarious he goes that's something my pregnant wife
would want he totally shat
all over my donut dream and i didn't know what to say i was so high i couldn't
think of anything to say
back i probably just shrugged and gave i don't know look but we got our donuts
and went on our way dude what you should
have done was you should have laughed your ass off and said sorry man i'm high
he's not a cunt dude you were
fucking high and that is a hilarious response anyways he goes i wish i could
have said something like
no i'm not pregnant you donut baking cunt oh don't do that don't do that you
never make fun of what a
person does for a living uh i learned that the hard way uh i just want a
goddamn donut and peanut butter
with peanut butter and jelly i'm not very good at comebacks but i never bought
any more donuts from
this bakery ever again the worst part is the donuts are actually pretty good
thanks and go
fuck yourself all right this is what you need to do you need to forgive
yourself for being that
fucking high that you ask for a grape jelly donut all right you also have to
give that give it up
for that guy that what he said was fucking hilarious all right and i think it's
time you go in there and
you get you fucking smoke some weed go in and go have some more fucking donuts
all right it was funny he
just made you feel silly why did that make you feel so bad you should have been
able to laugh that off
i'm gonna say that maybe were your parents mean to you growing up were you
bullied a lot is that what it
was because that seems like you brought a little bit of baggage in there
because that was like
depends on what he said grape jelly what are you pregnant i would have
fucking fell on the floor laughing i would have fell on the fucking floor
laughing if the guy said that to
me um you know but i don't know it depends on how we said it on defense of you
because i remember one
time when uh i didn't know anything about drums and i was into stewart copeland
i wanted to buy one of
those little symbols that he had i came walking into this music store and i was
like yeah i want to buy
a symbol do you have like one of those little symbols you know they're not like
bigger that's
literally small ones and the guy just goes you mean a splash
it's just like
uh what you mean a cunt it's just like all right i'm sorry your band didn't
make it
yeah splash sorry this is why you work here i'm brand new i'm gonna spend money
in your store you
cunt i get it i know you know did your friends laugh at you is that what it was
what are you pregnant
that's fucking hilarious um anyway here we go keep moving on here uh what i
shouldn't have said
oh so these turn this person's turning it on the uh on its ear here what i
shouldn't have said dear
billy burberry bat handbag uh i am the type of person who rarely says what's on
their mind
nor do i do nor do i stand up to passive aggressive jerks but one time 20 years
ago i lashed out and said
what was on my mind i was a senior in high school i was in my senior year of
high school and i just had
finished a painting of my girlfriend jenna i was quite proud of it and was
excited to share it in
my next class my friends asked to see it i happily passed the painting over to
my peers where people
gathered around to look at it oh god yep you were too young to know where this
was going to go i took
in various feedback from feigning interest to genuine compliments so i thought
it was going to get meaner
than that there was a girl in my school who was a deeply unkind person who
behaved as if she
was god's gift to men um when she saw the painting she quipped that doesn't
even look like jenna in
her rude holier-than-thou way she was known for 99 out of 100 times a comment
like that would be
internalized and replayed on an endless self-deprecating cycle oh god dude i
know it i got a reel-to-reel
machine with endless tape in my fucking head uh anyway the person says for some
reason this time i saw
red and without hesitation i angrily blurted out no one asked you you fucking
bitch
oh my god i love that that's hilarious she goes the whole class went silent her
face turned beet red
and i was handed back my painting as i heard someone say jesus christ joey
i cannot say it was my proudest moment what are you fucking talking about dude
if i was the guy that judged you the fucking god at the end of my life
you're walking into my waiting room to see if you get in heaven and i'm doing
the dinero come here you
come here you right he said i cannot say it was my proudest moment it goes
against my desire to be kind
to people hey no no no no people have to earn if you're a good person you have
to people have to earn
that you just don't give it to them uh anyway but it has also become a guilty
pleasure memory i like to dig
up whenever i'm feeling like a handbag dude fuck that man dude you you painted
a picture of this
woman you were in love with and she goes that doesn't even look like jenna okay
no one asked you you
fucking bitch like yeah i mean that's all aces there's nothing guilty about
that i mean that's that's
a fucking triumph i mean i i personally i would watch that clip right in
between some nfl films
about super bowl victories and and that at no point would i be like why was
that in there i would
totally see a through line kudos to you uh anyway ps i love your comedy and
think f is for family is a
masterpiece and will be forever and will forever be one of my favorite cartoons
thank you for being
you oh that's great thank you well you can thank the great mike price mark wilmore
rest his soul
david richardson rest his soul um emily towers everybody who's written on that
thing is the reason why it's
that great um all right wish i said something and after this i'm gonna have to
wrap this
fucker up because i'm gonna be late here um wish i said something hey
strawberry short snake
some really good ones today strawberry short snake uh you asked for people to
write in and ask the time
they didn't do anything at the time but wish they had uh well i was watching a
ufc fight with some
friends and we were just drinking beers cracking joke when a friend of mine
when a friend of my friends
says to me randomly you talk a lot of shit for someone who has never been in a
fight
i looked around to see if anyone heard what was said and everyone just ignored
it
the guy trains mma and fights locally and was right i've never been in a fight
but that's beside the
point it was incredibly fucking rude and it ruined the night i'm not lying to
you when i say i've hung
out with this group hundreds of times without incident he's a relatively new
friend of a friend
of a friends i've had for 15 years i said nothing because i was shocked i fumed
about it for hours and
it ruined my night i have fantasized about things i should have said oh yeah i'd
beaten the shit out
of the guy all that everybody's been this person um i should have said two
years later people act
like being the bigger man is the right thing to do but i don't know that shit
stays with you i have
let it go and i'm glad i didn't do anything because i have a kid but your last
podcast reminds me of how
annoying that was let me know your thoughts uh come back to new england when
you can um
yeah that's a that's a douchey thing depends on how bad you would talk if you
guys were just like
joking around and shit uh you know if he actually trains like mma maybe he
should have been the bigger
person i don't know what can you do the big thing is you gotta like make peace
with it
it's the real thing yeah it sucks being called out like that uh that's more
getting called out i feel
you kind of got called out but you're man enough to say he was right so i don't
think you're a bad
person and uh i don't know i mean what were you gonna do throw a punch at the
guy and then get your
ass kick but then he'd respect you uh part of watching mma is to be laughing
and oh you i mean
that's one thing i don't like about commenters on those mma things you know you
got knocked the
out and all of that type of and it's i i just never felt uh
i don't know when i guess i do that with hockey though i'll talk about people
that could beat the
out of me saying that they were cheap pieces of so i guess we all do it yeah
that sucks
it sucks you know none of your friends said anything like hey man take it easy
we're just
fucking around having fun he knows he can't beat up these guys relax all right
there bruce lee hey if
you were any better wouldn't you be on the fucking we'd be watching you right
now all right there
strip mall fighter um and then he kicks the shit out of everybody in the room