Name: Bill Burr - FMTV | The “Marital Advice” Saga
Uploaded: 2021-06-12T11:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | The “Marital Advice” Saga' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - FMTV | The “Marital Advice” Saga' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-12. Transcript available.

Wife hates blowjobs. Oh, Jesus. Here's a way to fucking end the podcast, huh?
My God.
Hey, Billy Blue Balls. Long time listener of the podcast, hoping for some
advice from you and the lovely Nia.
Although, unfortunately, my beautiful wife isn't here right now. I've been with
my wife for five years and we've been married for six months.
Dude, you're like the fucking 10th person that's written in that their wife
doesn't like to give blowjobs.
It's just like, isn't that something that should be disclosed before you get
married?
What if all of a sudden she found out that you don't like to hold doors, you
know, or some fucking, you know, I don't like to fucking, I don't like to buy
expensive gifts.
I mean, I'm trying to think of the thing that that guy could do that is the
fucking, the male equivalent to marrying somebody and finding out they don't
like to give a blowjob.
If you're, if you don't like to get a, give a blowjob, you shouldn't get
fucking married.
Gay or straight, you have no business getting married.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, if every guy in the world got a blowjob every fucking day, I mean, or
every couple of days, I mean, the amount of fucking, the, the, the, the level
of friction in the fucking world would just, it would go down.
You can't do it too much because then we would take it for granted.
Well, I'll tell you, you know, takes a lot of the edge off.
I don't know.
That's a, that's a fucking tragedy, sir.
I'm sorry.
You're in this situation.
Anyways.
He says, I've been with my ex.
I've been with my wife.
Sorry.
Oops.
40 and slipped there.
I've been with my wife for five years and we've been married for six months.
A couple of weeks ago, we were in the beginning stages of having sex when she
asked me what I wanted her to do, which I thought was great.
I replied that I'd like her to blow me while my dick was in her hand.
She told me she hates giving me blowjobs.
My dick immediately went limp in her hand.
There was no recovery.
This killed my mood.
So I had to shower and left to study.
Yeah.
And I got to tell you something that should be like a fucking major red flag to
her.
You know, if I said to my wife, I hate going down on you.
And then her pussy dried up right in front of my fucking face.
And then she took a shower and left.
I'd be like, oh, where's she going?
And who is she meeting?
Yeah.
That's a terrible fucking thing to say.
And I know this, this whole thing where just anything a woman says now is
fucking champion.
But like this whole fucking thing where like everything is about the woman now
and the
guy can go fuck himself is complete bullshit.
This is something that should have been disclosed.
And what did she, did she just learn in the last six months that she doesn't
like to give
blowjobs?
Wow, dude, this is fucking crazy.
Anyways, later I asked her what made her feel that way, but she couldn't really
give me
an answer.
I've been avoiding sex with her the past couple of weeks because that's all I
can think about
when she wants to have sex.
We've been, about her saying that she doesn't, she hates giving you blowjobs.
We've been together for five years and this is the first time I'm hearing about
this despite
her saying she loves it when I go down on her.
Ah, yeah.
I mean, this is just, you know, this is your classic one-way street, sir.
Am I wrong to think that this is selfish in some way?
Like, what has happened to men that you're so fucking beaten down that you
actually have
to ask me this?
This is making me feel sad for you, sir.
He goes, am I wrong to think this is selfish in some way, especially since she
loves it when
I go down on her?
How do I deal with this?
Any advice from you and Nia would be appreciated.
Come to Australia and go fuck yourself.
Well, Nia isn't here.
Wow.
I would just say, look, I got to be honest with you.
I would tell her how she made you feel when she said that.
And I would tell you that you think it's crazy that she doesn't, I mean, I don't
know.
She says she hates to do it.
Does that mean she's not going to do it?
But I understand.
I totally understand your reaction going limp.
The second a woman says she's not into it, I mean, that's what a normal person,
a guy does.
You're not into this?
All right.
Forget it.
Forget it.
Then it just gets weird.
No, we can try something else.
No, no.
Forget it.
Forget it.
No, I get it.
I've repulsed you.
I'm out of here.
I'm already putting on my windbreaker.
I'm out the door.
Wow, how do you navigate these waters?
I would just get her to clarify.
You said you hate giving me blowjobs.
What does that mean?
Me specifically?
Do you like giving blowjobs but not to me?
Or you just hate giving blowjobs in general?
How long have you felt this way?
You know, like, but you love it when I go down on you.
That's what, you got to go Columbo here.
Just keep asking questions.
So you don't like to blow me, but you like it when I go down on you.
And you're okay with this?
Do you feel that I should be okay with this?
This is what you do.
You just fucking, you remember that Guy Fieri food review?
It went viral.
He opened a restaurant here in Times Square.
And this guy wrote this fucking review.
All of it was questions.
Is there a reason why the menu looks like an eye chart?
Are you aware that the chicken is gray?
Like, he just totally trashed him.
And he did it all in questions.
It was a, literally, it was a fucking work of art.
I think that that's how you go about this.
You just, you just ask question after question.
Yeah.
What did you mean when you said that?
Is it my dick specifically?
Or is it all dicks?
How long have you felt this way?
Did you feel that this wasn't something important to bring up to me before I
married you?
Is this a phase you're going through?
Do you think you might like to blow me next week?
Do you have feelings for women that you've been suppressing and now you're
realizing, you know, what do you think about when I go down on you?
Are you thinking how good it feels?
Are you thinking about some chick at the office?
Is there something I need to know before I put a fucking kid in you and then I'm
really fucked?
Because blowjobs are already out the fucking door.
I don't need to add alimony and fucking child support to the goddamn, well, alimony
is going to be there anyways.
That's what I would do.
I would go Colombo.
Just, I would just do that.
You know, I'm not the smartest person here, but like, I just feel like, you
know, I scratch your back, you scratch my back.
Yeah, sir, that is fucking terrible and it's completely unacceptable.
Yeah, if you don't like giving blowjobs, you should not get married, gay or
straight.
You should not do that.
Or at the very least, you should fucking tell the person.
You know?
It's like you marry a musician and then you tell him six months later you hate
music.
I hate it when you play the guitar.
What?
Yeah, you know, that whole thing you've dedicated your life to, I fucking hate
it.
That's not the same thing.
Yeah, blowjobs is an important thing.
It really is an important thing.
You know?
But listen, now I got to play devil's advocate.
How often do you bathe?
You know?
Are you showering?
Are you keeping yourself fucking, you know, are you trimming the jungle down
there?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what you need to fucking do.
I don't know, but if you were fucking, like, not a clean person, why the fuck
would she marry you?
I don't know, dude.
This is like, I think the whole marriage could unravel on this thing.
I mean, what the fuck?
Another question.
So where does that put me for the rest of the marriage when I want a blowjob?
Do you know?
I have to do what?
I got to go to a massage parlor?
Even then, I mean, you don't want your dick in some fucking hooker's mouth with
or without a condom.
And even then, there's always going to be a fucking condom.
It's just like, I don't know.
Pleasing the person you're with is part of being, you know, with somebody.
If you're not going to make them feel good like that.
I mean, that's, that's, I don't know.
I don't know about that one.
I, I, you know what?
I, I would defer to, to a, I think you guys need to go to some sort of therapy.
And, um, I don't know.
I got a, uh, I don't know.
But some women aren't into that.
Some of them don't like it.
They get grossed out by it.
There is that.
But, like, which is fine.
You just tell somebody.
You know, maybe then you just marry some guy that just wants to fucking jackhammer
and he's good with that.
I mean, I don't know what to fucking tell you.
But that is a hell of a thing.
Six months in.
Wow.
Women, uh, women's response to wife won't blow him.
Oh, this is great.
We're getting both sides of the fence here.
All right.
Thank you for doing this.
I wish more women would write in like this.
Uh, so people wouldn't be at the mercy of my ignorant thought.
Uh, I felt compelled to write into you about this.
Um, I don't listen to your podcast religiously, but my boyfriend asked for my
opinion on this topic.
And let me tell you, I have an, I have a fucking opinion on this.
All right.
Buckle up, everybody.
She's going in.
Uh, she writes, I fucking hate when women just air quote decide.
That they don't like giving blowjobs and just won't do it.
What do you think the rest of, do you think the rest of like, what do you think
the rest of like giving blowjobs?
That's the sentence she wrote.
I really wish she wrote the, she spell checked here.
Um, how fucking selfish do you have to be to think that someone you're better
than?
Oh my God.
I was so looking forward to this.
How fucking selfish do you have to be to think that somehow, okay, you're
better than, let's say 80% of the heterosexual female population.
Sucking dick is part of being a woman and being in a heterosexual relationship.
You don't just get to quote, not like sucking dick.
Put on your big girl panties and fucking do it like the rest of us.
Jesus Christ, ladies.
I said that fucking bad.
My God, at least it's fucking on the outside.
You go down on a woman.
It's like fucking working on a van.
Half the engines under the front seat there.
Um, we all pay taxes.
No one is above that.
And if you're a woman, you suck dick, period.
Sorry for the rant, but I knew if anyone would appreciate it, it was you.
All right.
Well, here's the thing.
I don't want, I wouldn't want someone blowing me because they felt like it was
their job.
I'd want them to be into it.
If they're not fucking into it, then, then it just, it feels weird.
So then it's just like, all right, forget it, forget it.
And then that's something that I want.
You don't want to do it.
So we go our separate ways.
Um, as much as I agree with your passion on the subject, I would just say that
if you
don't like doing that, then you need to bring, you need to bring it up before
the guy says
I do.
Um, yeah, I don't like doing that.
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.
Uh, yeah, that is, that is not a smart way.
It's not a smart way to run a relationship.
Uh, if you're going to be in a relationship with a guy and you're not going to
blow him,
then, you know, I mean, okay.
And you know, you're a modern woman.
So obviously you're not cooking or cleaning either.
And you're not blowing me.
And so what exactly are you going to do?
I don't understand.
Like, you know, and I know all of that sounded misogynistic, but like, you know,
for some
reason, all the female shit is like misogynistic.
They don't have to do it, but I'm still supposed to fucking hold the door for
you, defend your
honor, pay for everything.
And all of these fucking bullshit women out there who sit there and in fact
that I'll
fucking split a check 50, 50.
Oh yeah.
Well, yeah.
Oh yeah.
They all talk a good fucking game.
They all talk a fucking good game.
So, um, you know, I'm not saying stay at home and not live your dream or
anything like that.
But like, you know, I love cooking for my wife, cooking for somebody is one of
the greatest
fucking things you can ever do.
And we have a rule in our relationship.
Okay.
If she cooks, I do the dishes.
If she cooks for me, I do the dishes and everything gets done.
But to just fucking be like, you know, I'm not fucking cooking for you at all.
Go fuck yourself.
Fend for yourself.
I'm not fucking blowing you.
I'm not doing laundry.
I'm not doing any of this shit.
And it's just like, okay, so then I have to do all of that.
We're not even splitting this 50-50.
Dear fucking Edith Wharton, why don't you and your hairy muff take a walk there?

Bill Burr - FMTV | The “Marital Advice” Saga

Wife hates blowjobs. Oh, Jesus. Here's a way to fucking end the podcast, huh?
My God.
Hey, Billy Blue Balls. Long time listener of the podcast, hoping for some
advice from you and the lovely Nia.
Although, unfortunately, my beautiful wife isn't here right now. I've been with
my wife for five years and we've been married for six months.
Dude, you're like the fucking 10th person that's written in that their wife
doesn't like to give blowjobs.
It's just like, isn't that something that should be disclosed before you get
married?
What if all of a sudden she found out that you don't like to hold doors, you
know, or some fucking, you know, I don't like to fucking, I don't like to buy
expensive gifts.
I mean, I'm trying to think of the thing that that guy could do that is the
fucking, the male equivalent to marrying somebody and finding out they don't
like to give a blowjob.
If you're, if you don't like to get a, give a blowjob, you shouldn't get
fucking married.
Gay or straight, you have no business getting married.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
I mean, if every guy in the world got a blowjob every fucking day, I mean, or
every couple of days, I mean, the amount of fucking, the, the, the, the level
of friction in the fucking world would just, it would go down.
You can't do it too much because then we would take it for granted.
Well, I'll tell you, you know, takes a lot of the edge off.
I don't know.
That's a, that's a fucking tragedy, sir.
I'm sorry.
You're in this situation.
Anyways.
He says, I've been with my ex.
I've been with my wife.
Sorry.
Oops.
40 and slipped there.
I've been with my wife for five years and we've been married for six months.
A couple of weeks ago, we were in the beginning stages of having sex when she
asked me what I wanted her to do, which I thought was great.
I replied that I'd like her to blow me while my dick was in her hand.
She told me she hates giving me blowjobs.
My dick immediately went limp in her hand.
There was no recovery.
This killed my mood.
So I had to shower and left to study.
Yeah.
And I got to tell you something that should be like a fucking major red flag to
her.
You know, if I said to my wife, I hate going down on you.
And then her pussy dried up right in front of my fucking face.
And then she took a shower and left.
I'd be like, oh, where's she going?
And who is she meeting?
Yeah.
That's a terrible fucking thing to say.
And I know this, this whole thing where just anything a woman says now is
fucking champion.
But like this whole fucking thing where like everything is about the woman now
and the
guy can go fuck himself is complete bullshit.
This is something that should have been disclosed.
And what did she, did she just learn in the last six months that she doesn't
like to give
blowjobs?
Wow, dude, this is fucking crazy.
Anyways, later I asked her what made her feel that way, but she couldn't really
give me
an answer.
I've been avoiding sex with her the past couple of weeks because that's all I
can think about
when she wants to have sex.
We've been, about her saying that she doesn't, she hates giving you blowjobs.
We've been together for five years and this is the first time I'm hearing about
this despite
her saying she loves it when I go down on her.
Ah, yeah.
I mean, this is just, you know, this is your classic one-way street, sir.
Am I wrong to think that this is selfish in some way?
Like, what has happened to men that you're so fucking beaten down that you
actually have
to ask me this?
This is making me feel sad for you, sir.
He goes, am I wrong to think this is selfish in some way, especially since she
loves it when
I go down on her?
How do I deal with this?
Any advice from you and Nia would be appreciated.
Come to Australia and go fuck yourself.
Well, Nia isn't here.
Wow.
I would just say, look, I got to be honest with you.
I would tell her how she made you feel when she said that.
And I would tell you that you think it's crazy that she doesn't, I mean, I don't
know.
She says she hates to do it.
Does that mean she's not going to do it?
But I understand.
I totally understand your reaction going limp.
The second a woman says she's not into it, I mean, that's what a normal person,
a guy does.
You're not into this?
All right.
Forget it.
Forget it.
Then it just gets weird.
No, we can try something else.
No, no.
Forget it.
Forget it.
No, I get it.
I've repulsed you.
I'm out of here.
I'm already putting on my windbreaker.
I'm out the door.
Wow, how do you navigate these waters?
I would just get her to clarify.
You said you hate giving me blowjobs.
What does that mean?
Me specifically?
Do you like giving blowjobs but not to me?
Or you just hate giving blowjobs in general?
How long have you felt this way?
You know, like, but you love it when I go down on you.
That's what, you got to go Columbo here.
Just keep asking questions.
So you don't like to blow me, but you like it when I go down on you.
And you're okay with this?
Do you feel that I should be okay with this?
This is what you do.
You just fucking, you remember that Guy Fieri food review?
It went viral.
He opened a restaurant here in Times Square.
And this guy wrote this fucking review.
All of it was questions.
Is there a reason why the menu looks like an eye chart?
Are you aware that the chicken is gray?
Like, he just totally trashed him.
And he did it all in questions.
It was a, literally, it was a fucking work of art.
I think that that's how you go about this.
You just, you just ask question after question.
Yeah.
What did you mean when you said that?
Is it my dick specifically?
Or is it all dicks?
How long have you felt this way?
Did you feel that this wasn't something important to bring up to me before I
married you?
Is this a phase you're going through?
Do you think you might like to blow me next week?
Do you have feelings for women that you've been suppressing and now you're
realizing, you know, what do you think about when I go down on you?
Are you thinking how good it feels?
Are you thinking about some chick at the office?
Is there something I need to know before I put a fucking kid in you and then I'm
really fucked?
Because blowjobs are already out the fucking door.
I don't need to add alimony and fucking child support to the goddamn, well, alimony
is going to be there anyways.
That's what I would do.
I would go Colombo.
Just, I would just do that.
You know, I'm not the smartest person here, but like, I just feel like, you
know, I scratch your back, you scratch my back.
Yeah, sir, that is fucking terrible and it's completely unacceptable.
Yeah, if you don't like giving blowjobs, you should not get married, gay or
straight.
You should not do that.
Or at the very least, you should fucking tell the person.
You know?
It's like you marry a musician and then you tell him six months later you hate
music.
I hate it when you play the guitar.
What?
Yeah, you know, that whole thing you've dedicated your life to, I fucking hate
it.
That's not the same thing.
Yeah, blowjobs is an important thing.
It really is an important thing.
You know?
But listen, now I got to play devil's advocate.
How often do you bathe?
You know?
Are you showering?
Are you keeping yourself fucking, you know, are you trimming the jungle down
there?
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know what you need to fucking do.
I don't know, but if you were fucking, like, not a clean person, why the fuck
would she marry you?
I don't know, dude.
This is like, I think the whole marriage could unravel on this thing.
I mean, what the fuck?
Another question.
So where does that put me for the rest of the marriage when I want a blowjob?
Do you know?
I have to do what?
I got to go to a massage parlor?
Even then, I mean, you don't want your dick in some fucking hooker's mouth with
or without a condom.
And even then, there's always going to be a fucking condom.
It's just like, I don't know.
Pleasing the person you're with is part of being, you know, with somebody.
If you're not going to make them feel good like that.
I mean, that's, that's, I don't know.
I don't know about that one.
I, I, you know what?
I, I would defer to, to a, I think you guys need to go to some sort of therapy.
And, um, I don't know.
I got a, uh, I don't know.
But some women aren't into that.
Some of them don't like it.
They get grossed out by it.
There is that.
But, like, which is fine.
You just tell somebody.
You know, maybe then you just marry some guy that just wants to fucking jackhammer
and he's good with that.
I mean, I don't know what to fucking tell you.
But that is a hell of a thing.
Six months in.
Wow.
Women, uh, women's response to wife won't blow him.
Oh, this is great.
We're getting both sides of the fence here.
All right.
Thank you for doing this.
I wish more women would write in like this.
Uh, so people wouldn't be at the mercy of my ignorant thought.
Uh, I felt compelled to write into you about this.
Um, I don't listen to your podcast religiously, but my boyfriend asked for my
opinion on this topic.
And let me tell you, I have an, I have a fucking opinion on this.
All right.
Buckle up, everybody.
She's going in.
Uh, she writes, I fucking hate when women just air quote decide.
That they don't like giving blowjobs and just won't do it.
What do you think the rest of, do you think the rest of like, what do you think
the rest of like giving blowjobs?
That's the sentence she wrote.
I really wish she wrote the, she spell checked here.
Um, how fucking selfish do you have to be to think that someone you're better
than?
Oh my God.
I was so looking forward to this.
How fucking selfish do you have to be to think that somehow, okay, you're
better than, let's say 80% of the heterosexual female population.
Sucking dick is part of being a woman and being in a heterosexual relationship.
You don't just get to quote, not like sucking dick.
Put on your big girl panties and fucking do it like the rest of us.
Jesus Christ, ladies.
I said that fucking bad.
My God, at least it's fucking on the outside.
You go down on a woman.
It's like fucking working on a van.
Half the engines under the front seat there.
Um, we all pay taxes.
No one is above that.
And if you're a woman, you suck dick, period.
Sorry for the rant, but I knew if anyone would appreciate it, it was you.
All right.
Well, here's the thing.
I don't want, I wouldn't want someone blowing me because they felt like it was
their job.
I'd want them to be into it.
If they're not fucking into it, then, then it just, it feels weird.
So then it's just like, all right, forget it, forget it.
And then that's something that I want.
You don't want to do it.
So we go our separate ways.
Um, as much as I agree with your passion on the subject, I would just say that
if you
don't like doing that, then you need to bring, you need to bring it up before
the guy says
I do.
Um, yeah, I don't like doing that.
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.
Uh, yeah, that is, that is not a smart way.
It's not a smart way to run a relationship.
Uh, if you're going to be in a relationship with a guy and you're not going to
blow him,
then, you know, I mean, okay.
And you know, you're a modern woman.
So obviously you're not cooking or cleaning either.
And you're not blowing me.
And so what exactly are you going to do?
I don't understand.
Like, you know, and I know all of that sounded misogynistic, but like, you know,
for some
reason, all the female shit is like misogynistic.
They don't have to do it, but I'm still supposed to fucking hold the door for
you, defend your
honor, pay for everything.
And all of these fucking bullshit women out there who sit there and in fact
that I'll
fucking split a check 50, 50.
Oh yeah.
Well, yeah.
Oh yeah.
They all talk a good fucking game.
They all talk a fucking good game.
So, um, you know, I'm not saying stay at home and not live your dream or
anything like that.
But like, you know, I love cooking for my wife, cooking for somebody is one of
the greatest
fucking things you can ever do.
And we have a rule in our relationship.
Okay.
If