Name: Bill Burr | Bill Goes Off: The Royal Family
Uploaded: 2021-06-16T11:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Bill Goes Off: The Royal Family' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Bill Goes Off: The Royal Family' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-16. Transcript available.

Billy Royale. Hey, Bill, if you met a girl who you loved and was perfect, but
she was part of
the royal family, would you marry her? Could you deal with all the traditions
you'd have to uphold?
No, I probably couldn't. Could you wear a crown and learn how to wave to the
crowd like a dandy
boy? You're already in the spotlight, so you have to watch what you say and how
you say it.
Would this be much different? Yeah, dude, it'd be way different. I don't have
to watch what I say.
That is all, can I tell you something? That's all a fucking myth, that you have
to watch what you say
and how you say it. Even after these people who say they cancel people, these
people, you know,
when they come back, people still want to go see them. They're still selling
out theaters,
their podcast numbers are off the charts. It's all, you know, nobody's getting
canceled. I mean,
you can lose an agent, you can lose a manager, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I
mean, some shit like
that happens. But, you know, even then, if you don't have a stand-up back, you
don't have like a podcast,
you know, I guess as an actor, you sit on the bench for a few years and then
eventually you come
back. I mean, it's kind of hard
if there was no cops and there was no legal
founding, finding, I would think.
And then just the way people are going about this shit.
Where I saw this guy was getting in trouble,
you know, a couple of weeks ago and this person was tweeting, come on guys, let's,
let's get it going
and said, Hey, if you want to just DM me your stories anonymously.
It's like, so I could just DM you a story.
You're going to leave my name out of it and I could just say whatever the fuck
I want to say about this
person. And then you're just going to retweet it without as fat.
I mean, I don't, I don't understand. I understand like,
you know, getting rid of sexual predators and fucking, you know, people abusing
their power like that.
But like, uh, you know, this whole thing now where it's, it's, it's getting to
the point of like,
I don't know. Once, you know, I saw someone lose their job over an analogy.
I was kind of like, all right, guys, wait, what was, was this what we were
trying to do?
Stitch and time saves nine.
How could you say that there's people working in sweatshops, right?
And then all of a sudden you lose, you know, how could you compare that to
sweatshops?
It's weird. Um, so no, I don't have to watch what I'd say. Um, the younger me,
the younger me
would have done that, but eventually
the real me would have come out and it wouldn't have lasted.
Um,
the younger me would have done all the things you just said
short of marrying her because I think my friends would have teased me so much
and I'd have such a need to be liked that I would probably break it off.
But when the younger me, I wouldn't have done any of that. I don't know how to
do this.
A long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.
Um,
I can't tell this story. Let's just say I was in a situation.
I was dating somebody and, um, uh, it was really my one of my first serious
girlfriends
and, uh, the shit that I put up with and if this isn't on them, it was just me
not having any boundaries.
Um,
I very easily
would have just stood there as they dress me up like some fucking
guy who's in the military but isn't
and has some big dumb hat
and then I would sit there,
you know, moving, waving my hand
and it's moving like a weather vane.
I probably would have done that.
Um,
but if you're talking about now,
um,
any past the age of,
um,
28,
you could have got me
up to about the age 27.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I could have fell for that.
But after that,
I would be like,
no,
I want to make my own mark
in the world.
I have my own
dreams here.
I,
I don't want to just fucking
you know,
sit around the castle
and eat quail
with white gloves on every night.
You know what I mean?
I mean,
how long
could you sit in that castle
and you're watching a game
and you can't be like,
oh,
what the fuck?
It's fucking boarding.
I could read his whole
fucking last name.
You fucking
crooked cunts,
right?
I couldn't do that.
Or maybe you can't.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And then you know what?
The whole time you're in there,
you're not going to feel
like you want,
you're not going to feel
totally respected.
The old broad there,
the oldest one,
she knows she's just going
to be blowing you off
the whole time.
Like,
well,
you don't have royal blood
blood.
You know?
You downloaded their album.
But,
but,
yeah,
they wouldn't respect you.
And at some point,
you're just going to be
sitting there thinking,
what makes this pruned up
old fucking twat
better than me?
Because she was born
into this shit?
She didn't fight for this.
This already existed
and they just gave it to her.
The fuck is she giving?
I had a fucking paper route
since the third grade,
you know?
This is when you're drinking
some fucking 60-year-old
cognac.
Not cognac.
Is it cognac?
Yeah,
whatever the fuck that shit is.
But I tell you what I wouldn't do.
I wouldn't make her leave.
I wouldn't do that.
First of all,
she wouldn't.
Women like stuff too much.
I would say this.
I'd say this.
If,
if,
uh,
old ginger face
was a chick
and his wife was a dude,
I'd say
Freckles doesn't leave.
I say he doesn't leave.
I sit there.
You know,
it's not that I don't love you.
It's just,
you know,
things are complicated.
It's really complicated.
Are you doing
to disappoint my mother?
There would have been a reason.
And she would have been able to cry.
That would have made
the dude
feel guilty.
And,
um,
yeah.
Make her feel guilty.
And then at one point,
the redheaded chick
would be like,
well,
I know.
And I hate the way
they treat you.
But,
I just gotta say,
if you really loved me,
yeah,
I can't,
I can't,
there's racism.
I know,
it hurts.
But I'm just saying,
what about us?
They would have done that shit.
It would have been that
and she would have
manipulated it,
manipulated it,
in a way
that she would have
made it look like
she was staying
because she could
no longer
trust the dude.
Right?
I think that that's
what happened.
And I think
what happened
with,
uh,
old freckles there,
royal freckles,
you know,
who exists
on a level of ginger
that I never could.
He's just,
he's better than me.
He is,
he is right
from the fountain
of ginger.
He's pure.
He's uncut ginger.
I think,
I think he was treated
a certain way
growing up.
All right?
He came out,
he was walking
around the castle,
okay,
with his freckles
and his flaming balls
and he's like,
all right,
who's kidding who?
There's no fucking way
they're sticking that crown
in my head someday.
First of all,
that one guy's
never gonna die.
He finally just
fucking died,
right?
And then I gotta wait
for the other guy
who's never gonna die
to die.
And then they're gonna
choose between me
and,
you know,
oh,
come head over here.
But,
you know,
he lost all his hair
but he didn't know
that was happening.
But I,
that's why I think
he sort of rebelled.
He rebelled
where the other kid
was just like
the show pony
and he had to do
everything the right way.
Right?
So he stuck,
he stuck around
and then,
you know,
I don't know,
the ginger kid,
he downloaded
a little bit of
Tone Loke,
you know,
he's trying to have
an edge.
He's trying to be
the street wise
ginger in the
fucking white palace
and,
you know,
it's just like
he just veered off
a little bit
and now he's in
Santa Barbara
and that's how it happens.
That's how it happens.
It's very easy.
It's very easy
when you don't feel loved
to just veer off
into other,
I think that that's
what happened.
He didn't feel,
you know,
he was Jan
and his older brother
was Marsha
and he fucking knew it.
He knew it.
He said,
you know what,
Roy,
I'm taking me Rubus,
me Cubic Zirconia
and I'm getting
the fuck out of here.
Good for him.
Good for him.
Just hope he brought
his son luck.
I mean,
he went all the fuck
in.
That dude left,
he resigned
as a prince,
which I didn't know
you could do
and then he moved
to a sunny city
and married a woman
of color.
Wait a minute,
dare I say
he's ripping me off?
This kid's doing
every fucking thing
that I did
except I didn't live
in a palace,
lived in a duplex
there for a little while.
Living in a duplex
is a great fucking thing,
you know?
Everybody knows
exactly how happy
everybody's marriage is
in that fucking relationship,
in that little duplex thing,
but I kind of liked it.