Name: Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 3
Uploaded: 2021-07-03T11:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 3' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | What I Should've Said - Episode 3' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-03. Transcript available.

you know those moments in life where you just let somebody walk all over you
before you even
realize it's happening and then 10 minutes later you think the thing that you
should have said
number one hey billy casper tits i'm loving the i'm loving the body shame here
people i'm doing
it to myself i need this i have a story from childhood that has stayed with me
to this day
and i wish i had said something i was about 12 years old and was with my older
brother and his
friends who were both in high school we all went to the movies to see something
i don't remember what
the movie i don't remember what movie because my memory is blinded by rage the
rage of something
that happened at the theater i got an icy frozen drink and some candy before
the movie during the
movie i finished a drink at one point and put the empty cup under my chair
until the end of the
movie my brother and his friends were sitting to my right and a family was to
my left at the end of
the movie i stood up with my group and began to shuffle out of the theater i
felt someone poke me
in the back it wasn't the kind of poke like excuse me it was pretty hard and i
knew right away it was
someone being aggressive it felt more like hey motherfucker kind of poke in my
shoulder
i turned around and saw it was the father of the family was sitting next to me
he was holding the
empty cup i had accidentally left under my chair oh what a cunt this guy looked
like if roger goodell
was an impotent used car salesman he had cargo shorts white new balances
accountant glasses stupid
colored golf polo shirt and a clinging oh clinging to scraps comb over oh dude
if he if if a man has
a comb over you've already won the exchange he shoved the cup into my chest and
said here your mom
isn't here to pick up after you i was a pretty polite kid and i always try to
be respectful and clean up
after myself i had just forgotten about the cup simple mistake right i was so
surprised and slightly
humiliated that a stranger would do that especially to a kid i just took the
cup and walked off but to
this day i really wish i had said something like you know what i'm gonna let
you hold on to that you
fucking janet reno looking cheese dick it would have been satisfying to throw
the cup right back into
his face too but alas i did nothing i hope he has ass cancer at the end um well
listen there's a lot of
victory in this the guy has a comb over he's such a small person that he does
that to another
they does that to a kid like that's not a happy guy he was taking out um
the dissatisfaction he has in his own life on you and that's what a lot of
people who do
shit like that are doing um but oh i mean i bet to this day you still feel that
poke in the back like
it just fucking happened if you're anything like me all right number two hey
billy red nuts two years
ago i was at 7 11 there was a homeless guy sitting outside it was the middle of
the winter and freezing
cold so i went inside got myself a cup of coffee and a cup of coffee for the
homeless guy i went out and
handed it to him i walked away feeling good about myself for doing the right
thing just then the
homeless guy yelled at me what no sugar i was stunned and kept walking i wish i
said go
fuck yourself you miserable cunt ah yeah i've had that happen to me
remember there was this guy just out of his mind on something and he was
sitting near i was doing a
spot at stand up new york and i put some change into his cup and i walked about
five paces and i just
heard that the sound of change being thrown down the sidewalk and he just goes
fuck yeah
i think he yelled fuck you as he threw the change back at me but i was he was
also you know
fucking out of his mind on whatever he was on so it happens yeah what no sugar
yeah what no job
only people inside get sugar become a productive member of society then you get
a little treat in
your coffee all of that shit comes to you but at the end of the day dude it's a
homeless person could be
somebody with mental issues because they've shut down all the nut houses and
they have a hot cup of
coffee in their hand you don't want to stir them up you wait till you get in
your car and then roll
down the passenger window as you drive by yell some shit but you're driving so
fast because you're a
coward all you hear is
that's how it's that's how it's done all right oh god this person used a word i
don't even know how to say
pronunciation here we be a n a l hello bannet banal bill b-a-n-a-l uh jesus
christ b-a-n-a-l
brona pronunciation
here we go let's all learn something shall we
come on banal banal banal the fuck does it mean that doesn't sound like
something good lacking
originality freshness or novelty trite
all right hello banal bill that's a that's you know what that's the most
educated way i've ever
been called a hack i don't disagree all right the past year was my first year
of college so during the
pandemic my school had very strict rules about how many people you can have in
your room
one night me and my two roommates decided to play some beer pong about five
minutes into playing a
campus officer walks into our room without knocking whoa this cop walked in
like he was about to make
a drug bust instantly he starts to opening drawers and cabinets then he says
open the up the fridge buddy
i responded with do you have the right to search my fridge the cop says are you
a first year law
student or something i still lay awake thinking about things i could have
responded with
no i'm not but you're definitely not you rent a you're not even a real cop i
should have said
something are you a first year rent a cop or something that's even better
thanks for the laugh bills
hey dude the next time somebody just comes walking in like that you have every
right to say get
you go you can't say fuck though because then they'll get you on that get back
outside and knock
or i'm gonna report you you can't just walk in well actually find out if they
can or not it's not too
late to file a complaint it's kind of a thing to do but but who knows i mean
what if that was like
you know would he do that with women
i don't know that guy sounds like a character in a comedy and the whole crowd's
rooting for you
to try and get him back somehow all right um all right what do we got here i
gotta get on with the
fucking day here almost dropped the laptop there what i shouldn't what i
shouldn't have said oh here we
we go we got a new one this is that what you were just listening to is what i
should have said
if you have a situation where somebody said something to you and you didn't
fucking think
of anything to say until like a fucking month later those are the what i should
have said
i unplugged my fucking headphones here but if you actually gave into your urge
and then you said it
and dealt with the ramifications that becomes a what i shouldn't have said all
right
dear billy boston burns i've enjoyed uh the what i should have said recently
and i thought
i'd throw out a story of something that maybe i shouldn't have said uh this was
around 15 years
ago i was in my early 20s and my girlfriend had gotten vip concert tickets to
see christina aguilera
um every note i'm gonna show you every note on the scale every other line uh
the kind you are beautiful
the kind where you get to go backstage and meet them all that holy holy at the
time i was a major
bob dylan fan he just does one note he still still am but i was a bit of an
about it
back then total music snob oh all right and they should do a duet bob dylan and
christina aguilera
you know just two different minimalist style versus over the top as i was mad
and i was mad that i had
to go watch christina aguilera when literally any one of my girlfriend's mates
would have generally
enjoyed it yeah but i'm around but she can actually sing she doesn't have bad
songs they're pop songs
but for what they are they're good right um but no drag the little reluctant
boyfriend along
that's female logic right well yeah i mean that's kind of what they do what i
thought you'd enjoy it
it's like do i bring you to a football game uh so we're backstage after the
show and standing in a
long line of people when uh people that christina is walking along shaking
hands and posing for photos
with her nose turned up and pulling this face like she shouldn't have to
breathe the same air as these
people she gets to my girlfriend shakes her hand and takes a photo christina
then holds her hand out to
me and quick as a flash i wave it off and tell her that's okay i'm not a fan oh
my god dude you said that
to be fair christina to christina she couldn't give a and moved on but her bodyguard
behind her was
dying to laugh and gave me a little nod as he passed
dude i don't know this sounds like all victory here the story i thought all
right your girlfriend has
to have a bad reaction to this the story always gets a laugh with my mates but
the older i get the
more i think maybe i should have just been polite i was at her show after all
so why be a dick that
was me in my 20s thinking i knew better than the rest of the world the know-it-all
young englishman
such is life well you know what you also fucking you know that about yourself
it happens guess what
buddy you are beautiful no matter what they say um that's all right
everybody says do she thinks sometimes everybody's a cunt sometimes i actually
felt bad for her man
because that's that's the way she was blowing through the line though that's
one of those things
where listen if you want to vacuum up the extra money with the vip meet and greets
you got to
either do it or don't uh because the worst thing you do is charge them the
extra money for the vip
and then blow through the line and then they actually feel like uh like they
got mugged