Name: Bill Burr vs. Shark Attacks
Uploaded: 2021-08-19T11:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. Shark Attacks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. Shark Attacks' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-19. Transcript available.

let's talk about the ocean everybody paul versi the whole week has been trying
to get me to go
swimming in the fucking ocean so he does the usual thing about like you know
you actually
have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than you do of uh getting
eaten by a shark enjoy
the water all right first of all who wants to be struck by lightning both of
those things are
horrible things you know that's like you know you have just as great a chance
of getting unwillingly
fucked in the ass as you do as being lit on fire at a firework show and it's i
know that stat isn't
true but i'm just saying both of those things are horrible all right and i
really should have thought
this through more but i'm too far now and i'm not hitting a race um yeah that
whole bullshit you
have a greater chance of getting struck by lightning than getting eaten by a
shark is
fucking bullshit when it comes to me it isn't because i'm never going to get
struck by lightning
because when it's thundering out i go inside
okay when i step into the ocean i have now walked into the room where all the
sharks that ain't at sea world or some
fucking aquarium are at so don't give me that bullshit
i have zero percent chance of being struck by lightning i don't go outside when
there's lightning
walking into the ocean where the sharks are is the same thing as with it was
lightning out if i put a
fucking i don't know some sort of metal hat on and just walked out there so go
fuck yourselves with
that not to mention i go out i i don't go in the ocean i frolic i frolic along
the beach that's where i go
you know that's where i go takes you back to the the old joke i used to do in
my act where people like you know ninety percent
of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water and these fucking idiots
think you're safer if you're in deep water it's like
dum-dum that's where the people are it's called the beach
ninety percent of people that are in the ocean are at the fucking beach
okay and then you got the people that like to scuba dive and swim into caves
and get certified
you know and break records holding their breath and doing all of that crazies
that that's a whole other
that's a whole other human all right those people who watched aquaman too many
times and now they want to go live it
talking to fish
tuna swordfish
yeah so i go into the fucking ocean
frolicking with my kids you know having a good time skipping around
zinc oxide on my cute little button nose right
and uh all of a sudden i feel something nibbling at my foot
and i look down it's like this little fucking crab like the size of my thumb
coming up like uh hey this is my territory
so i give him a little kick you know with you know i put on a show i make sure
the sand at the bottom comes up
you know what this guy this fucking thing jumped up in the air
like jordan and just had its claws out no it was like ralph macchio
and the karate kid it just fucking went up in the air like let's do this and i'm
just looking at this little shit
like i could just crush you and even you want to fight
you know why that that's that you know why that crab is like that because it
knows where
it is okay it's in the fucking ocean
the thing about the ocean what i love about the ocean that lulls all these
fucking
these these goddamn sea lion looking people with their rolls of fucking jelly
coming down the
fucking beach what i love about these people is these same people wouldn't you
know would
you walk into the jungle barefoot wearing a pair of shorts
if there were bears tigers lions wherever the fuck you were at right i guess a
bear lives in the forest
i don't know is that like the suburbs of the jungle
i live in the forest i just got sick of the jungle too much murder you know too
much crime
just came out here where the air is a little fresher less hunters um
yeah that's what you do when you go into the ocean you're basically walking
into a jungle that's
underwater that has a bunch of in there that could kill you including
the water when you walk into the jungle could can the air kill you
does the air all of a sudden start moving in a direction that drags you along
and you got to be like
okay i can't breathe right now maybe i'll i just need to like sort of swim walk
parallel to this
until i can breathe again um yeah so i know you guys enjoy the beach i'm not
saying don't enjoy the
beach i'm just saying start coming at me with your dumb ass fucking stats all
right i know what i'm
dealing with here jacques custod's kid got killed by a shark who knew more
about the ocean
than jacques custod nobody so i'm not listening to you and you're stupid i googled
chances of hey
theory chances of shark attack and then you're gonna come at me hey hey bill
enjoy the ocean that's
what versi says to me enjoy the ocean as if he just debunked all of my fears
all of a sudden he's an oceanographer because he talked to the broad in his
phone whatever um having
said that my my daughter wanted to go in the ocean so i put the floaties on her
and i finally said
it and i went out there and you know i had i enjoyed myself you know if you're
into swimming in dirty water
i don't understand what the problem is well like we got pools you can see all
the way to the bottom
the only chemical in the pool is to help make the water cleaner as opposed to
whatever the
dupont put in the water or the raw sewage that people haven't realized just
around the corner that
somebody's dumping in there um all right bill we get it you don't like the
ocean um i do like the
ocean i also like the jungle i know i'm not a part of it actually is that
really true
i guess if you go back to caveman days i am part of the jungle and the forest
wow i just figured it out
i'm a spineless caveman
i'm a caveman that wouldn't have made it back in the day um
also i gotta tell you i'm into those kayaks you know just kind of going around
but you
got to make sure you get a bigger one you get one of the small ones you don't
realize it's just
for a kid you just sink down to the bottom but uh i've been watching people
cruising around
just off the coast i mean that looks better to me be above the water some shark
comes over it bites you
know do you know you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning in a
kayak than you do of
getting bit by a shark i would disagree because kayaks made out of plastic all
right so is the helmet
all right what and then the ore is made out of plastic the handles made out of
wood
i'm doing all the things i need to do to avoid lightning
500 people a year get eaten by show whatever the they said i don't give a