Name: Bill Burr | Wife Comes Out As Asexual
Uploaded: 2021-11-03T11:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Wife Comes Out As Asexual' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Wife Comes Out As Asexual' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

uh wife came out as asexual after 15 years of marriage dear billy blue balls i've
been a fan
of yours since chappelle's show days but new to the podcast last christmas my
wife came out as
asexual parentheses fuck you 2020 she said sex has always been a chore she's
not doing it anymore
and i can handle it myself from now on
wow we talked about options and she doesn't mind oral a couple times a month
but that didn't last the last time we had any kind of intercourse was back in july
on our 15th wedding anniversary she said i know you're expecting something so
let's get this over
with and proceeded to just lay there
wow
in september i was rubbing her back and she just turned off her table lamp and
leaned more
into it i pressed my luck and kissed her on the shoulder she jumped out of bed
and slept on the
couch for the next three nights
i gave it another couple days and said we need to talk she said she felt
sexually assaulted
okay well if i was you i'd go to the luggage store and i'd pick out myself a
nice set and i would
fucking fill those things and i would just leave
she then accused me of being very selfish because i hadn't checked in on how
she's been feeling since
her revelation
this is true but what is there to check in on
she seems to have found herself while i have basically lost an appendage
um
yeah uh she's expecting you to do all of the fucking work to respect where she
is
and she's not even considering the fact that you just found out that she's been
living a lie
for 15 fucking years of your life and of course you have to take her consider
into consideration
listen
i don't think there's anything wrong with trying to put yourself in her shoes
but if she's not going
to do it the other way after she lied to you for 15 years then uh you know what
are we doing here
anyways he said i mentioned opening up our marriage and she just shut that down
because she claims
i would be spending all my free time looking for other women ignoring our
family
she offered me articles about marriage between sexual and asexual partners and
basically the
sexual spouse has to live as asexual too which i find to be very one-sided as
you should
as she would if it was the other way around she says i can leave at any time
and i asked her
if she had really thought that through and what it would do to the kids
yeah this seems like a fucking a loophole to get out of the marriage we have
three kids 11 9 and
5 her reply was very matter of fact we've been married for 10 plus years so i
am entitled to
half your retirement and i'm the primary caregiver so get out of the house
i'm not going to lie i could have strangled her in that moment but i went to
for a walk to cool off
yeah i mean
she's really coming at you with just no feelings at all i never thought i would
be in this position
considering a separation and the guilt of what it will do to the kids is
killing me
i'm trying not to become resentful but her my way or the highway mentality
really makes that difficult
obviously i'm not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do but
i'm only 42 years old
you spent a small fortune on therapy let's i think hear your thoughts on this
i mean she's a first ballot hall of fame cunt to just be honest with you i mean
she has no the way you're writing this she has no consideration for your
feelings whatsoever
and is upset with you that you can't read her mind she doesn't care that she's
been lying to you for 15
years she doesn't give a fuck um about her behavior what it's going to do to
her kids she's all about herself
and it's not going to get any better
and it seems like she's going to be
what does primary caregiver mean does that mean she makes more money than you
let me see i gotta get this through what does primary caregiver mean
uh it's a person assisting an underage child or a sick elderly or disabled
relative
any adult can become a primary caregiver for a relative in need regardless of
education
okay so she's the one taking care of the kids so
i'm entitled to half your retirement and this is what happened
okay she lied to herself for a long time about who she was
okay and she went along with what society said she had to get married and have
kids
and she never wanted to do it all right and she made that choice and now she's
blaming you
and she's taking no personal responsibility for the fact that she lied to you
and started a family with
you and now you have all of this connection
and in the process of lying to you is now going to take half of your retirement
and feels that she deserves that because she lied to you now here's the thing
unfortunately she has a vagina which means she's going to go to court and she's
going to win
so what you have to do is get the out of this
all right and all you have to do is work on you know maintaining a positive
relationship with your kids
never bad mouth this okay never bad mouth her to her kid to your kids all right
they when they get older
they're going to figure out who she is okay and you know i don't know is she
entitled to half your retirement
i don't know about that i have no idea but i know your kids are 11 9 and 5.
so you're gonna have to pay child support for the next 13 years and you're just
gonna have to man up
and just realize that that's what you're gonna have to do okay and she can take
your half your retirement
and she can take the house and she can do all of that but she can't take your
happiness
unless you let her and you can go out there as a 42 year old all right
and go out there and you can find a woman that actually is is deserves you
because this woman
doesn't and i'm sorry that this happened to you and you know
i don't know the only empathy i can have for this woman is maybe you know
society looks down on asexual
people so she felt she had to do this thing i don't know but the fact that she's
angry at you
is ridiculous she owes you an apology um unless you know you're some overbearing
son of a bitch and i
mean i can't tell that in your email i have no idea but if you're just being a
husband and you're
thinking she's loving you and enjoying having sex with you um i don't know i'm
not even convinced
that she's asexual okay maybe she is but you know when you get out of this
thing if you decide to
because listen i'm not an expert on this shit i'm just get this is just bar
room advice
all right brace yourself that there's another guy there's a possibility of that
but what you are in
the way you have described it is unfucking winnable you know like when you just
a team just realized
like we're not gonna win a championship this year and they just dump all their
stars this is what
you gotta do you just gotta pack it in you ain't winning the title this year
but um you know 42 is is
plenty of time to turn this whole thing around and um if you just really work
on that
and like i said stay positive with the kids and never bad mouth your ex
you know you can turn this whole thing around and then it just becomes a funny
story
and i gotta be honest with you the here's a positive thing who the is gonna top
this story in a bar
when guys start telling that oh i dated this chick she did this and that oh
yeah
i was married for 15 years my wife out of nowhere told me she was asexual
and you know i went to kiss her shoulder and she accused me of sexual assault
and then said she was entitled to half my retirement and she's gonna take the
house
i'm sure you could tell it in a funnier way um
yeah i mean i would just i don't know i feel for you man that's terrible
that's terrible man it's you know it's just so much people go through we have
woman she loses
weight she looks good she feels good about herself and then people stop using
her
because they can't handle that she's in shape i swear to god man i swear to god
every time i
start to turn the corner and i start to think positive about life and people
you know you guys write in you send me these stories i just don't get it