Name: What If Bill Burr Was A Dictator?
Uploaded: 2021-12-03T12:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What If Bill Burr Was A Dictator?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What If Bill Burr Was A Dictator?' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-03. Transcript available.

first order as a dictator hey bill long time fan i'm too high right now to come
up with some
alliterations like all these other smart cunts so i'll just get right to the
point there's
nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with mentally tapping out just
being like you
know what i know my limitations i'm not good at that shit all right if you were
a dictator
like kim jong-un or adolf hitler at the beginning of their reign what would be
the first bill or act
you would do i've been wondering what your response would be to this as this
idea popped up in my head
multiple times as i drive through atlanta atlanta traffic
like if i was a dictator i would get rid of all the cars in the country every
single one i don't
care how far your job is i don't care if you have to get your kids or even if
your wife is pregnant
you better walk or take a fucking horse because i'd be the only one with the
car
god i fucking hate atlantic traffic atlanta traffic they just can't drive yeah
atlanta will do that to
you um all right well now that you went real selfish do i have to go selfish
too
uh if i was a dictator
uh nfl championships would count
um it wouldn't start with the super bowl nfl championships would count
that would be the first that would be one it would be a three-pronged attack so
that's
handle sports um
i don't know such a fucking big one like what the fuck would i do
i have to do something
i would give massive massive massive tax breaks to people for not having kids
um and an even bigger tax break if you didn't have a kid and you adopt it
instead
and then my goal would be to get the world population but i'd only be running a
country i just see it our country's population
well if you're a dictator i could then tell the banks
well you can never get out from under the banks even if you're a dictator
i would have the i would have the fucking
my militia take out the bankers
we'd start all over again
on a new currency
and everybody nobody owed any money
everything is forgiven
and everybody
you come back in with the new currency which i don't understand why they can't
do this
if everybody just agrees to it all right
everybody just comes back in
whatever you have in the bank is what you still have in the bank except you don't
fucking owe anybody anything
all right i would then have one four-day weekend every single month
not just thanksgiving there'd be a four-day weekend
every single month
okay and you think well why are you doing that bill that's going to make you
know the economy tank
i don't give a fuck
because the people who will eventually want to rise up against me
i think it's going to take a long time
hey he's a good shit man he gives you a fucking thanksgiving weekend
11 extra thanksgiving weekends
you know i would do a day i do away with dress down fridays
i think that was the beginning
of uh
the end of a lot of like respectful ways that people do business
the hostile way now i would do away now
another thing too
that uh you know
corporations would have to go back to answering their fucking phones
and not be like i'm sorry that's not an option
main menu
you know and just send you back to that first one again
fuck that
i'd get rid of that
oh jeez i'm on a i'm on a fucking roll now
i don't know then i would just do a bunch of things for like emissions get
everybody's emissions
down not saying you have to go to electric cars or solar panels just whatever
we needed to do
and uh really educate people on uh consumption and all that type of stuff and
what we're doing to the environment
and then uh then you'd have to deal with how we get along with each other
i don't know i would just set up like
try to set up some things that made people want to help out other people
educate other people that weren't doing as well
you kind of have to do that
then there have to be some sort of test that you know just because you're poor
doesn't mean you're
you know you're just automatically not a cunt
so you got to make sure that if you're going to help out less fortunate people
that are actually worthy of it because just like not all rich people are assholes
you know not all poor people are saints so
you kind of weed out
i don't know how the fuck you would do that
yeah that's a big one but if i just had to do one
if the one thing that i would do i would try to do
what is some sort of sweeping change that would fucking stop this
uh you know global warming horse shit i would try to do that
just so you know you see kids you're like what kind of world are they gonna
have
geez this has been an oddly like depressing one
dead kittens fucking global warming and shit
um dilemma
you know that's one thing dictators always fuck up man
they don't give an they don't give back enough
you know what i mean
i don't know why they always try to just hoard everything to themselves
it just builds resentment
you know didn't they learn anything
it's like fucking bread circus and shit
that they used to do when they could feel people starting to get hostile
give them a four day weekend why can't we have a four day weekend
all it is is just an extra two days off
every month
you know
let me ask you this
what if like one week
work week
every month you just had to go hard
on monday tuesday wednesday
all right
you don't have to put in 48
40 hours
you put in three 13 hour days
and they didn't have to pay you time and a half either
right
so they would get 39 hours out of you
they'd also have you nice and fresh on monday
because you get a four day fucking weekend
i mean what if that's what if what it was
what if i did that
what if there was 52
three day weeks
a year that you worked
right
but every weekend you had a
you worked three days
and then you had four days off
every fucking week
but you just had to go hard monday tuesday wednesday
that's it
there's no overtime
you just had to fucking
you had to show up ready to
you got to show up ready to play
monday tuesday wednesday
and then you get thursday friday saturday sunday off
you know what would happen
people would become raging alcoholics
they would put on fucking
oh my god
how many fucking pounds would you put on
yeah that'd be some
i don't know
see it always starts with a small idea
then it gets out of control
let's dial it back
once
a month
you go hard
for three days
and then you get a four day fucking weekend
that's it
that's it
and you get fucking two
in november
and then that becomes
everybody's favorite month
and then i would
i would
black history month
gets moved to march
so they get 31 days
which is more than 30
and two more than 29
or 28
and then you make up all those days
you fucked them out of
since you brought that up
there you go
there's some basic ones
you know
and if you go to a stadium
an opposing team stadium
with the other team's jersey on
and you're acting like a fucking jerk off
um
there should
there should just be somebody
like specific
for security
just for that person
just for that person
so the person doesn't get hurt
they are just removed
okay
but they have to do something
the hometown fans
can't just be mad
because he's wearing the other jersey
you're not allowed to attack
the person or hurt him
they are just removed
removed from the situation
and how they are removed
is a helicopter comes in
hovers over the fucking stadium
drops a line down
the person is put
into some sort of
like shrink wrap
and then is hoisted up
laughing
laughing
laughing