Name: Bill Burr & Jim Gaffigan Roast Each Other
Uploaded: 2021-12-23T23:23:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jim Gaffigan Roast Each Other' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Jim Gaffigan Roast Each Other' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-23. Transcript available.

My whole... I feel like my body is a lemon.
Do you do anything? I literally, right before I came here, I went to the heart
doctor.
You did?
Yeah, I've had a couple of buddies of mine, you know, die of heart attacks.
One guy was a little bigger, another guy would just look like me.
And just had a look at the widow maker thing?
Yeah, or something like that. I don't know what.
So I've been going every year, you know, old dad, I got to get my ticker
checked out.
So I do that and, you know, I try to keep my weight down and that type of shit.
I don't know.
Well, you know, let's talk about the weight down.
Like, I tour... I don't care. I'll tell the name.
Todd Glass. I tour with Todd Glass. I love Todd Glass.
Todd's one of the funniest comics ever.
He fucking... He eats... I tour with him.
We go out to dinner after the show.
He'll eat twice as much as me. Twice as much as me.
Yeah, but he probably works out.
No, I work out too. I work out...
You don't believe me at all.
I work out some.
I work... All right, look at these.
But walking to the microphone and walking off stage?
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
This is when you know you don't work out, when you take pictures of yourself
working out.
No, this is...
Are you an Instagram model?
I'm not taking pictures.
I'm showing you that this...
All right, that's...
All right, look at this.
Look at this. Hold on.
He has some sort of app out here.
Look at this.
That is graphing something.
Okay.
These are... Look at these.
What are those?
These are my fitness rings.
How many are closed?
All of them?
What does closed mean?
Closed means that...
What does it mean?
76 minutes exercising.
974.
Wait, but what...
Does this thing actually watch you exercising?
You're just walking around?
No, this is me exercising.
So, look.
What are you doing when you're exercising?
Physical, yoga.
I mean, look.
Yeah, but what...
How does this thing know if you just said,
I just did a half hour of yoga?
How does it...
It measures your heart rate.
How does it know?
It measures your heart rate.
You don't believe me at all.
I don't think that you just fucking worked out 200 days in a row.
No, I don't.
I did.
I did.
I don't look at right now.
You just fucking said, I did, twice,
and both times you averted your eyes.
You go, I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I worked out.
Well, I can tell you dropped weight.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
I mean, no, no, well...
I'm not trying to bring you down or nothing like that.
No, but I'm just saying that, like, there is...
Half your fucking act is about how you just like eating cookies and shit.
No, yeah, I know.
But, like, no, but, like, half of...
Why did I just tell you what your act's about?
Oh, is that what it's about, Bill?
Sorry, I'm on autopilot.
No, but, like, the...
But my point is...
And I'm not saying, I have a condition where I gain weight.
I'm not talking...
I have big bones.
I'm not saying that.
But I am saying that some people...
You got that farmer built.
No, but, yeah, that's the thing.
You're overall...
Is that some people...
Like, was your dad fat?
Was your mom fat?
No.
Genetically, you're thin.
Are you asking me that?
Yes.
Oh, yeah, no.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
I don't know.
I have to fucking eat borderline...
I'm 53.
I can eat borderline perfectly and work out, and I still gain, like, five
fucking...
I can go to gym 10 days in a row, have one douche of a day, and I'll gain, like,
three fucking pounds.
It's brutal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I work on it.
So, don't fucking you.
You fucking...
All you big bone guys...
Can you be more angry about nothing?
All you fucking big bone guys...
I'm not angry about nothing.
I'm not really angry about this.
It's about that shit from before.
So, I'm already idling at an eight.
It is...
Listen.
Yeah.
All of you guys do that shit.
What's that?
You guys who are out of shape see someone who's in better shape, and go, dude,
you can fucking...
Women do that.
I understand how it sounds like that.
Women say, guys just think about losing weight, and they lose weight.
That's actually, like, a catchphrase among women.
I understand that.
But what I'm saying is that I...
Here, I'm going to pull it up.
I'm going to pull it up here.
Oh, dude, fuck those things.
Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd.
All these things.
Like, ooh, look at what my watch said I took 10,000 steps today.
My watch said I did.
My watch said I did.
Look at this.
Look at those sneakers.
You don't work out.
What are these?
Those fucking...
Look at those fucking things.
I got these for my special.
I didn't buy these.
Jesus.
Like, by the way, I don't buy clothes.
Look at this.
I still got this fucking thing going on.
No, but all right.
Let me ask you this.
Your mom and dad, thin or not?
No, my dad's not thin.
No.
Your dad was...
All right, so when you worked in his office, thin or not?
So when he was in his 50s?
No.
No, he was one of those guys who was thin, and then metabolism...
Catches up.
Catches up, and then he wasn't thin.
I just...
This whole idea that you just...
Oh, you just rail thin in your 50s, and you can fucking eat moon pies.
It's not true.
There's some people...
Like, I have a friend who I went to college with who's like this big.
She's...
I mean, she's Asian, but she eats fucking boatloads.
You don't buy it.
Simple math, dude.
You gotta...
It's...
But wait a minute, wait a minute.
If you consume more calories than you burn...
I'm not saying that.
Some people's idol is higher, but this idea that there's people out there that
well into
their 50s and 60s can be eaten 5,000, 6,000 calories and still eat like they're
a sophomore
in college and aren't fat as bullshit.
I don't disagree with that at all, but are you saying that...
I don't know what you're saying.
Are you saying that, like, Rob Lowe doesn't have a genetic advantage?
Now, what are we talking about?
I'm talking about, like...
Women?
Compared to us, yeah.
Rob Lowe is like 80 years old, and he looks like he's 30.
When we were little kids, Rob Lowe was like 40.
Rob Lowe was a god.
No, but that's my point.
My point is...
Pull ahead of hair.
Right?
It's not right.
You know something?
I think God tried with him.
Yeah.
Where he slapped us together.
He actually tried with Rob Lowe.
See, that's what I'm saying.
And he takes care of Rob Lowe like a classic car.
Do you think Rob Lowe is, like, sleeping in oxygen tanks every night?
No.
He has a...
No, he works his ass off.
I don't know.
I think he does.
I think you're a hater.
No, I'm not a hater.
You're a Jim hater.
I'm coining a phrase.
Jim hater.
A Jim hater?
Jim hater.
Don't...
No.
Jim Gaffigan, Jim hater.
I'm not...
Well, look.
The point is, is like...
Also, there's a difference between, like...
I bet he has all of his meals, like, he knows what he's going to eat,
and they come in those little glass Tupperware things,
and he sits and somebody brings them, and then he eats it.
You know, like, it's like...
But here's the thing.
That's what I would think.
So, do you...
Like, look, there's a difference between, like, Tom Brady.
Like, you know, there's a rumor that he doesn't eat bread,
or he hasn't eaten bread in, like, a decade or whatever.
Mm-hmm.
And it's like the whole cheat meal thing.
Like, there is the difference between, like, so do you eat...
Most people, when they do a cheat meal, they do the whole day.
Yeah.
They go, oh, this is my cheat day.
It's not a cheat day.
It's a cheat meal.
And so, do you do the...
Do you have a trainer?
No.
It's harder to eat healthy when you have little kids, right?
And they're having their meal, and you're, like, sitting there going, here,
finish your...
Yeah, and then you don't want to throw out the food.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have that.
Like, my kids, they like pancakes and waffles.
They would eat that literally every single day.
They get excited.
They're rocking back and forth.
And I'm literally doing the Cosby bit.
Daddy is great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give us a chocolate cake, and I just do it.
And then, when they don't finish something...
You're like this?
You know, I'm like, I'm not throwing this out.
So, then, you know, but...
But there's times when you have more discipline than others.
Yeah, right now, I'm in a disciplined time because I've had it with myself.
So, I got to drop these...
You know, I put on, like, 20 during COVID, so I'm trying to take off.
I got, like, another 10 I got to take off.
And do you run?
No.
God, no.
Why would you do that?
I mean, I would run if someone was chasing me, but I'm not going to wear out my
knees before the axe murderer gets there.
I don't understand.
My knees don't even work anymore, by the way.
But I think some of that is...
Look, I talked to Rogan during the pandemic because I...
No, I talked to him, and I said...
I texted with him.
I'm like, look, I want to lose weight.
And he said, cut out sugar, cut out bread.
And I did lose weight.
And so...
And by the way, you cut out sugar, you cut out bread.
It's like your joints hurt less.
But after a while, you're like, what am I living for?
Do you know what I mean?
I do.
Your family.
You know.
But yeah.
I mean, sure.
My kids.
My kids.
I got to be honest with you.
When I cut out sugar...
Yeah.
When I look at desserts, it doesn't even look like it's edible.
It looks like clown food.
Like something like clowns would eat and they'd never have to put makeup on.
Like just with all of the wild colors, the creams and all of that shit.
It just looks...
It looks stupid to me.
And by the way, I think it's...
You know, this is totally a cop out and an excuse, but I feel like when you're
traveling,
when you're touring, I find it harder to eat healthy too.
Because it's like, if you're going out to eat...
First of all, we know every restaurant, you know, a key ingredient is butter
and everything.
But so you can eat healthy.
Don't you find it depressing?
You're like, oh, you know what?
Oh, after my show, I'm going to go and have this Tupperware in my hotel room.
Like, how do you unwind?
You have a cigar and you have a meal, right?
No, I find the frustrating thing about touring is that you always have to be on
like the first
flight out because it's like, this is a show day.
What if something happens?
It's like, they have forecasts.
And if it's fucking clear, I can leave it.
And it just doesn't happen.
You got to fucking get up at the fucking crack of dawn.
And then what happens is, then you run down.
You just did a show.
You were wired from the show.
You couldn't go to sleep.
And then you got to wake up at six in the morning to get to the fucking airport.
And then what I've learned is when I land, I'm going to work out.
If I do that, I'm already so run down, breathing all this shit in.
I'm going to go down to the gym, hotel gym, and I'm going to get sick.
So then what happens is I don't do it.
And then I'm missing my kids and I'm frustrated.
And that's usually when I'll order the burger.
So, but I mean, yeah.
So I think we're agreeing on a lot of stuff, but I'm not agreeing with like
this whole,
you know, this, this whole, I know this guy, this, this guy.
No, all right.
The guy eats a whole fucking bison with whipped cream on it.
And he doesn't, I'm not saying that I'm saying that there are Todd glass under
the bus.
I mean, he's a beloved comedian.
He's beloved by everyone.
He's, I love him.
And, but like, what I would say is that, look, there, there are different body
types.
Your body type.
You could get absolutely fucking jacked.
Fucking yoked.
Look at you, dude.
You got those farmer.
You were throwing bales of hay at three years of age out there in Indiana.
Dude, you could get, you look like, you know what you look like?
You look like one of those fucking guys on the strongman things.
You see on ESPN.
Yeah.
Those guys are all from like Faroe Islands.
Hans or whatever.
No, I, uh, no, I, I'm just saying that there is, you know, we were talking
about the heart
thing.
Your knees all taped up with those big pasty thighs, picking up those fucking
rocks.
You see how those big round balls they set down on you.
Dracking an 18-wheeler.
I love it.
You're one of the strongest guys in the world.
And now we're going to destroy your body.
Pull this train.
It's like, what's so fascinating is they're all from the Faroe Islands.
They're from Iceland and the Faroe Islands.
It's like nothing to do with these places.
So they lift weights.

Bill Burr & Jim Gaffigan Roast Each Other

My whole... I feel like my body is a lemon.
Do you do anything? I literally, right before I came here, I went to the heart
doctor.
You did?
Yeah, I've had a couple of buddies of mine, you know, die of heart attacks.
One guy was a little bigger, another guy would just look like me.
And just had a look at the widow maker thing?
Yeah, or something like that. I don't know what.
So I've been going every year, you know, old dad, I got to get my ticker
checked out.
So I do that and, you know, I try to keep my weight down and that type of shit.
I don't know.
Well, you know, let's talk about the weight down.
Like, I tour... I don't care. I'll tell the name.
Todd Glass. I tour with Todd Glass. I love Todd Glass.
Todd's one of the funniest comics ever.
He fucking... He eats... I tour with him.
We go out to dinner after the show.
He'll eat twice as much as me. Twice as much as me.
Yeah, but he probably works out.
No, I work out too. I work out...
You don't believe me at all.
I work out some.
I work... All right, look at these.
But walking to the microphone and walking off stage?
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
This is when you know you don't work out, when you take pictures of yourself
working out.
No, this is...
Are you an Instagram model?
I'm not taking pictures.
I'm showing you that this...
All right, that's...
All right, look at this.
Look at this. Hold on.
He has some sort of app out here.
Look at this.
That is graphing something.
Okay.
These are... Look at these.
What are those?
These are my fitness rings.
How many are closed?
All of them?
What does closed mean?
Closed means that...
What does it mean?
76 minutes exercising.
974.
Wait, but what...
Does this thing actually watch you exercising?
You're just walking around?
No, this is me exercising.
So, look.
What are you doing when you're exercising?
Physical, yoga.
I mean, look.
Yeah, but what...
How does this thing know if you just said,
I just did a half hour of yoga?
How does it...
It measures your heart rate.
How does it know?
It measures your heart rate.
You don't believe me at all.
I don't think that you just fucking worked out 200 days in a row.
No, I don't.
I did.
I did.
I don't look at right now.
You just fucking said, I did, twice,
and both times you averted your eyes.
You go, I did.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I worked out.
Well, I can tell you dropped weight.
I'm not trying to bring you down.
I mean, no, no, well...
I'm not trying to bring you down or nothing like that.
No, but I'm just saying that, like, there is...
Half your fucking act is about how you just like eating cookies and shit.
No, yeah, I know.
But, like, no, but, like, half of...
Why did I just tell you what your act's about?
Oh, is that what it's about, Bill?
Sorry, I'm on autopilot.
No, but, like, the...
But my point is...
And I'm not saying, I have a condition where I gain weight.
I'm not talking...
I have big bones.
I'm not saying that.
But I am saying that some people...
You got that farmer built.
No, but, yeah, that's the thing.
You're overall...
Is that some people...
Like, was your dad fat?
Was your mom fat?
No.
Genetically, you're thin.
Are you asking me that?
Yes.
Oh, yeah, no.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
I don't know.
I have to fucking eat borderline...
I'm 53.
I can eat borderline perfectly and work out, and I still gain, like, five
fucking...
I can go to gym 10 days in a row, have one douche of a day, and I'll gain, like,
three fucking pounds.
It's brutal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I work on it.
So, don't fucking you.
You fucking...
All you big bone guys...
Can you be more angry about nothing?
All you fucking big bone guys...
I'm not angry about nothing.
I'm not really angry about this.
It's about that shit from before.
So, I'm already idling at an eight.
It is...
Listen.
Yeah.
All of you guys do that shit.
What's that?
You guys who are out of shape see someone who's in better shape, and go, dude,
you can fucking...
Women do that.
I understand how it sounds like that.
Women say, guys just think about losing weight, and they lose weight.
That's actually, like, a catchphrase among women.
I understand that.
But what I'm saying is that I...
Here, I'm going to pull it up.
I'm going to pull it up here.
Oh, dude, fuck those things.
Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd.
All these things.
Like, ooh, look at what my watch said I took 10,000 steps today.
My watch said I did.
My watch said I did.
Look at this.
Look at those sneakers.
You don't work out.
What are these?
Those fucking...
Look at those fucking things.
I got these for my special.
I didn't buy these.
Jesus.
Like, by the way, I don't buy clothes.
Look at this.
I still got this fucking thing going on.
No, but all right.
Let me ask you this.
Your mom and dad, thin or not?
No, my dad's not thin.
No.
Your dad was...
All right, so when you worked in his office, thin or not?
So when he was in his 50s?
No.
No, he was one of those guys who was thin, and then metabolism...
Catches up.
Catches up, and then he wasn't thin.
I just...
This whole idea that you just...
Oh, you just rail thin in your 50s, and you can fucking eat moon pies.
It's not true.
There's some people...
Like, I have a friend who I went to college with who's like this big.
She's...
I mean, she's Asian, but she eats fucking boatloads.
You don't buy it.
Simple math, dude.
You gotta...
It's...
But wait a minute, wait a minute.
If you consume more calories than you burn...
I'm not saying that.
Some people's idol is higher, but this idea that there's people out there that
well into
their 50s and 60s can be eaten 5,000, 6,000 calories and still eat like they're
a sophomore
in college and aren't fat as bullshit.
I don't disagree with that at all, but are you saying that...
I don't know what you're saying.
Are you saying that, like, Rob Lowe doesn't have a genetic advantage?
Now, what are we talking about?
I'm talking about, like...
Women?
Compared to us, yeah.
Rob Lowe is like 80 years old, and he looks like he's 30.
When we were little kids, Rob Lowe was like 40.
Rob Lowe was a god.
No, but that's my point.
My point is...
Pull ahead of hair.
Right?
It's not right.
You know something?
I think God tried with him.
Yeah.
Where he slapped us together.
He actually tried with Rob Lowe.
See, that's what I'm saying.
And he takes care of Rob Lowe like a classic car.
Do you think Rob Lowe is, like, sleeping in oxygen tanks every night?
No.
He has a...
No, he works his ass off.
I don't know.
I think he does.
I think you're a hater.
No, I'm not a hater.
You're a Jim hater.
I'm coining a phrase.
Jim hater.
A Jim hater?
Jim hater.
Don't...
No.
Jim Gaffigan, Jim hater.
I'm not...
Well, look.
The point is, is like...
Also, there's a difference between, like...
I bet he has all of his meals, like, he knows what he's going to eat,
and they come in those little glass Tupperware things,
and he sits and somebody brings them, and then he eats it.
You know, like, it's like...
But here's the thing.
That's what I would think.
So, do you...
Like, look, there's a difference between, like, Tom Brady.
Like, you know, there's a rumor that he doesn't eat bread,
or he hasn't eaten bread in, like, a decade or whatever.
Mm-hmm.
And it's like the whole cheat meal thing.
Like, there is the difference between, like, so do you eat...
Most people, when they do a cheat meal, they do the whole day.
Yeah.
They go, oh, this is my cheat day.
It's not a cheat day.
It's a cheat meal.
And so, do you do the...
Do you have a trainer?
No.
It's harder to eat healthy when you have little kids, right?
And they're having their meal, and you're, like, sitting there going, here,
finish your...
Yeah, and then you don't want to throw out the food.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have that.
Like, my kids, they like pancakes and waffles.
They would eat that literally every single day.
They get excited.
They're rocking back and forth.
And I'm literally doing the Cosby bit.
Daddy is great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give us a chocolate cake, and I just do it.
And then, when they don't finish something...
You're like this?
You know, I'm like, I'm not throwing this out.
So, then, you know, but...
But there's times when you have more discipline than others.
Yeah, right now, I'm in a disciplined time because I've had it with myself.
So, I got to drop these...
You know, I put on, like, 20 during COVID, so I'm trying to take off.
I got, like, another 10 I got to take off.
And do you run?
No.
God, no.
Why would you do that?
I mean, I would run if someone was chasing me, but I'm not going to wear out my
knees before the axe murderer gets there.
I don't understand.
My knees don't even work anymore, by the way.
But I think some of that is...
Look, I talked to Rogan during the pandemic because I...
No, I talked to him, and I said...
I texted with him.
I'm like, look, I want to lose weight.
And he said, cut out sugar, cut out bread.
And I did lose weight.
And so...
And by the way, you cut out sugar, you cut out bread.
It's like your joints hurt less.
But after a while, you're like, what am I living for?
Do you know what I mean?
I do.
Your family.
You know.
But yeah.
I mean, sure.
My kids.
My kids.
I got to be honest with you.
When I cut out sugar...
Yeah.
When I look at desserts, it doesn't even look like it's edible.
It looks like clown food.
Like something like clowns would eat and they'd never have to put makeup on.
Like just with all of the wild colors, the creams and all of that shit.
It just looks...
It looks stupid to me.
And by the way, I think it's...
You know, this is totally a cop out and an excuse, but I feel like when you're
traveling,
when you're touring, I find it harder to eat healthy too.
Because it's like, if you're going out to eat...
First of all, we know every restaurant, you know, a key ingredient is butter
and everything.
But so you can eat healthy.
Don't you find it depressing?
You're like, oh, you know what?
Oh, after my show, I'm going to go and have this Tupperware in my hotel room.
Like, how do you unwind?
You have a cigar and you have a meal, right?
No, I find the frustrating thing about touring is that you always have to be on
like the first
flight out because it's like, this is a show day.
What if something happens?
It's like, they have forecasts.
And if it's fucking clear, I can leave it.
And it just doesn't happen.
You got to fucking get up at the fucking crack of dawn.
And then what happens is, then you run down.
You just did a show.
You were wired from the show.
You couldn't go to sleep.
And then you got to wake up at six in the morning to get to the fucking airport.
And then what I've learned is when I land, I'm going to work out.
If I do that, I'm already so run down, breathing all this shit in.
I'm going to go down to the gym, hotel gym, and I'm going to get sick.
So then what happens is I don't do it.
And then I'm missing my kids and I'm frustrated.
And that's usually when I'll order the burger.
So, but I mean, yeah.
So I think we're agreeing on a lot of stuff, but I'm not agreeing with like
this whole,
you know, this, this whole, I know this guy, this, this guy.
No, all right.
The guy eats a whole fucking bison with whipped cream on it.
And he doesn't, I'm not saying that I'm saying that there are Todd glass under
the bus.
I mean, he's a beloved comedian.
He's beloved by everyone.
He's, I love him.
And, but like, what I would say is that, look, there, there are different body
types.
Your body type.
You could get absolutely fucking jacked.
Fucking yoked.
Look at you, dude.
You got those farmer.
You were throwing bales of hay at three years of age out there in Indiana.
Dude, you could get, you look like, you know what you look like?
You look like one of those fucking guys on the strongman things.
You see on ESPN.
Yeah.
Those guys are all from like Faroe Islands.
Hans or whatever.
No, I, uh, no, I, I'm just saying that there is, you know, we were talking
about the heart
thing.
Your knees all taped up with those big pasty thighs, picking up those fucking
rocks.
You see how those big round balls they set down on you.
Dracki