Name: Bill Burr | When Dictators Write In
Uploaded: 2022-01-06T12:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | When Dictators Write In' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | When Dictators Write In' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

all right so here's everybody uh i want you guys to tell me what you do as a
dictator
all right dictator rule for fatties hey billy pink nips uh here oh here's a
rule i would
implement implement if i were a dictator all airline ticket prices are
calculated by weight
the heavier you are the more you pay well i'll tell you airlines would love
that
because uh that does take up more jet fuel uh when you buy your ticket online
you enter your weight
you get your ticket based oh my god can you imagine all these people crying
you know and then they realize there's no place to cry anymore because there's
a dictatorship
and the dictator controls the internet you get your ticket based on the weight
you entered
then the day you travel when you check in you have to weigh yourself on the
luggage scale
if you're heavier than the way you entered you pay the difference but what if
you're
significantly heavier and you know that the person lied do they get off right
there it's my question
anyway if you're lighter you get a discount bags have to weigh a certain amount
because of fuel cost
why not people i have several more dictator ideas but i'm putting them in a new
novel
so i can't send them to you love the red rock show you crushed come to utah
please all right
i like that we can't just go after the fatties what about sociopaths and uh you
know pedophiles
uh dictator uh dear billy red rocks i am writing in to present my campaign for
my dictatorship
i was actually debating calling the uh special that billy red rocks dean delray
told me that
call it billy red rocks and i was like should i do that my wife goes don't do
that don't do that
like that it's kind of funny but then how funny is it if even the listeners
guess that joke i gotta do
better uh am i i am right so now i'm just gonna be live at red rocks clever um
i'm writing in to
present my campaign for my dictatorship which consists of two points i would
immediately eradicate the robo
calls you get for car insurance or whatever or whatever mainly because they
annoy the hell out of
me this would be my scheme to get the public on my side for what i implement
next in my policy i love
that see this is a smart dictator a little bread and circus this is where you
get the people that go yeah
they get on your side uh number two this is this is this is where i get i think
it's gonna get a little
stricter i would make dueling legal dueling legal across the board that's
hilarious if you feel you've
been wronged in any way you have the legal right to challenge the other people
to a duel and should they
accept you would be allowed to decide how to duel and then potentially kill
each other there must be
at least one witness to each party should neither combatant die the duel is a
draw and any further
action taken would be subject to local laws dude this is the most entertaining
way to thin the population
they should be televised televised duels and then there would be even more duels
because people
do anything they get on tv i i might hey listen i gotta tip my napoleon bonaparte
hat to you or
whatever i give you two vladimir putins on that one thumbs up or what do they
do they clasp their
hand and they shake it to the side of their ear and you know how bummed out i
am that we're gonna get
in a battle with russia again what are we doing hey i i live russia vodka
hockey tough people i mean
then what's what the is the problem jesus christ what are we mad at that they're
doing what the
fuck with oh you fucking cunt you fucking cunt you fucking god damn
what the oh i thought it went out i didn't go out what happened i think my
headphones went out wait a
second am i still going
it looks like it's still going yeah it is
it just crapped out and then all of a sudden it came back
all right whatever anyway i don't understand why we're upset at russia it's
like stop doing what
we're doing we do that all the time all right if we're gonna go in places where
we don't belong
and take over and kill people then why can't they um i'm sure it's a little
more complex than that anyway
um or better yet why can't both of us just stay the fuck home and leave other
people alone
all right so anyway should should a combatant be killed in the duel the victor
would be safe from any
further legal action taken from the losing participant side i.e if you legally
shoot someone
in self-defense you can still be sued civilly by the family this would not be
the case in my regime oh okay
well if you shoot somebody in self-defense why can you well i guess you can
still be sued because
they're gonna because there's less burden of proof that's so dumb um anyway but
what i'm seeing
is you know they've never they've never televised paintball
you know because i think at the end of the day it's just not interesting enough
to watch people saying
ow ouchie ow are you cheated you know but imagine if this was like the x game
version of paintball
where people actually died
you know i don't know what you would call it
shooting each other i don't know um
comedy bang bang um i would also allow inmates in prison to request a trial by
combat where they
or someone who or someone who agrees to fight for them would fight a state-sponsored
opponent
should the person die they die should the prisoner win they are cleared of all
charges all right that
gets a little crazy for me i was with you i was really with you until that part
um
you can let a child molester kill somebody from the state and then they get to
go free
i don't i don't think about that but whatever there's a lot of holes in my too