Name: Bank Robbery Stories | Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast
Uploaded: 2022-02-16T19:40:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bank Robbery Stories | Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bank Robbery Stories | Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-16. Transcript available.

all right bank robbery story all right let's get out of this fucking
international jesus christ
um all right bank robbery story uh when i was in university oh jesus christ
that's one of the most
pretend pretentious beginnings of a fucking sentence ever but i know this is
from a different
country when i was in university i worked part-time as a teller if you go to a
community college you
have to start saying that if you went to a community college where'd you go to
college uh
when i was in university i was on the hill of bunker um when i was in
university i worked part-time as a
teller at a bank here in toronto i was talking about bank robberies last week
and how you can
rob a bank with just a note and has anybody called anybody out yeah you know
give me all the money i
have a gun all right and then you just write back fuck off unless you show me
it
then they just have to walk out of the bank um i work part-time as a teller at
a bank here in toronto
one morning when the bank just that's a great beginning to a movie
fuck off until you show me and he pushes it right
and then the guy on the other side pulls out a gun
tries to shoot shoots through the glass but the guy who said show it to me
ducks
and then the manager gets fucking one right in the head
and then what happens i don't know there's a love interest um when i was in
university i worked part-time
as a teller at a bank here in toronto one morning when the bank just opened and
relatively uh
and relatively empty two men mass came in screaming saying they had guns hands
in their hoodie pockets
pretending like they had guns the balls that takes to risk your freedom and
then not what if there's a
guy in there that has a gun anyway they walked over to the vault and tried to
open it when they realized
the vault was locked they ran out of the bank the dumb fucks assumed it was
like a movie where the
vault door would open and there would be a pile of cash just sitting there the
best part of the story
is they ended up getting caught no way about an hour later based on a witness
seeing them flee
these dickheads got charged and went to jail without a loonie to show for it
i guess that means any money some loot um all the best and go leafs and raptors
toronto fan all right
good luck to both your teams there wow i bet they don't tell that story in
prison
what are you in prison for robbing a bank how'd you do it you know i uh
i'll tell you later did i ever tell you how much i like your shank um dad
robbed a bank wow dear billy
baby back ball sack burr all right you went with the long one there i want my
baby back baby back baby
back baby back baby back baby back ball sack baby back i go baby back baby back
baby back baby back
baby ball sack that's a tough one to do long time listener first time caller
thanks for making my drive to
work suck less that's that's all i'm here for you're definitely not here to be
educated i've listened
to you discuss bank robberies recently and that made me think of this story my
dad my dad who's passed
now was a badass when he was younger he and my mom did a good job of hiding his
transgressions from
me as a kid but when he found out that he had alzheimer's and was going to lose
his mental capacity
he decided to sit me down and tell me a bunch of crazy shit he did as a kid
before he forgot about
it was he worried that he was going to babble about it that's pretty cool that
he acted like
he was just a straight-laced guy anyway he was a very intelligent guy he worked
for the family car
sav salvage yard which had its start uh through less than legal means i'm not
with you he could look at a car
a car key someone was holding in their hand and he could cut a copy from a
memory later on
which he would use to steal the car and strip it for parts i mean there's
another great character for
a movie he almost got caught when he did this to his girlfriend at the time's
father
he stole his dad's car jesus his girlfriend's dad's car wow what took the cake
though was his bank robbery
story when he was 18 he had a buddy who worked at his town's bank long story
short they plotted a robbery
my dad was let into the vault by his friend and he walked out with a duffel bag
containing 400 000 in
cash in broad daylight carried it down the street and everything my dad hid the
money and they were
going to split it once things cooled down at the time he set the state record
for the largest bank heist
yeah things are not going to cool down unfortunately the fbi got involved gee
who saw that coming
this was a large sum of money obviously 400k
that is worth 1.5 million today and his parents got suspicious because he was
acting weird
that's what they thought they didn't think is he gay is he did he get his
girlfriend pregnant like
the usual is he doing drugs they're like hmm he's acting strange i wonder if he
rubbed a bank
dude you got a badass family tree if that's what they think allegedly his
parents got him to admit
to them what he did and they called the fbi the fbi came out and basically
scared him into ratting
on his friends like a little he did and as a result neither of them got any
jail time
sounds like a white story here they just had to return the money he never gave
up
where he had hidden the money so whether or not the full sum was returned or
not is unclear
but i hope he at least kept a little the banks uh bill i swear to god i thought
he was
with me until i found multiple newspaper articles about the robbery and named
him by name
confirming all of this i was blown away is there any way that you can confirm
that he could actually
look at a car key and cut it from memory i mean i don't know anything about
cutting keys but that
seems like i thought he i was just making sure he wasn't an old man putting a
little mustard on the
story there anyway he was a great dad he was a great dad to me he turned his
life around and i
couldn't have asked for a better role model growing up that's great i miss him
but remember him fondly as
a father and as a badass when he was young how many people out there can say
their dad set a state
record that's exactly how you should bring it up and they'll be thinking you're
talking about track
be like no he robbed the bank for the most money at that time 400 grand
so why don't you tell me about your mother's pie all right thanks and go
yourself all right
um bank robbery story
oh my god hey billy radish taint god damn it do you guys ever run out of ginger
jokes i mean this is
fucking amazing i've been doing this podcast since 2007 you motherfuckers every
time i think
we're out of vegetables we're out of all these different things you can call me
my god
carrots radishes i mean it's just it just never stops we're not even up to the
top of the fridge
we're still in the crisper um you know it's funny i have a bright orange
refrigerator
in my office too i keep it real um bank robbery story hey billy radish tank i
got a bank robbery store
story for your chalky powdered donut ass this guy's just killing me with the
food references here
uh i used to manage the teller line who would have thought that this was going
to take off this is
fucking great i want to hear from tellers and all the dumb ways people tried to
rob your bank
banks um you'd think that this would trend more you know what i mean somebody
came in to rob a bank
and it didn't fucking work um wait a minute did all the bank robbers just kind
of go into like
identity theft they kind of do it on like the internet on the uh internet now
right anyway i
used to manage the teller line at one of the branches of a national bank uh the
one with the lawsuit
which one um one day this guy with sunglasses and a basketball hat comes into
the lobby and asked to
see the manager like some shitty heist movie the manager brings him into his
office 15 minutes later
the manager escorts the guy to a female teller and said this man needs 25 000
the teller goes yes sir do you
have a debit card the manager interrupts and says no just give it to him the
teller nods and starts
counting the money shaking the guy begins to laugh at her tears starts
streaming down her face i'm
assuming it was the bank robber tears start streaming down her face i
immediately go back
to the back and start hitting the silent alarms and telling the tellers at the
drive up that we're being
robbed i go back to the front to tell the tellers what's happening when the
phone rings before i can
get it another teller who is known as the dumb fuck of the branch picks it up
hello what we're not being
robbed no everything's okay imagine the person was talking real loud too oh no
the security department
checking on us it's the security department checking on us i'm behind him
saying hang up the phone hang
up the phone he turns to me and goes no this guy says we're being robbed the
guy robbing us is 10 feet
from us i finally get the dumb to give me the phone and i answer in the back
and explain the robber
leaves with the money the manager says the guy had a gun he said he's going to
shoot everyone in here if
we didn't give him the money i asked the female teller if she put the tracker
in with the cash she said she
did oh god the cops come and ask us questions and leave we're all waiting
around for hours the cop comes
back the cops come back with a bag of cash and two receipts saying they found
the robber and a jack in
the box down the street oh god so who was dumber one receipt was for a was for
was for cab fare
and the other was for a jumbo jack with extra large fries and a coke the rest
of the money was in the
bag thank well i gotta tell you if you're gonna go to jail i mean that's one of
the best ways to get
caught as far as like you just had a nice jumbo jack and extra large and a coke
that sounds that's
almost at this point being on a diet worth doing a little time for uh thanks
for all the years of
laughs and good times it means a lot truly go yourself another bank robbery
story tellers please
i got three of them two more coming here please for the love of comedy keep
fucking
writing these in did you guys ever see the one where the fucking idiot was
standing in line
to rob the bank he walks in and he takes out like whipped cream or shaving
cream
and sprays it all over his face and then stands in line i believe it was on
america's dumbest criminals
i believe and he's standing there and it's they immediately hit the alarms it's
melting off of
his face and when he walks up to the teller the fucking cops show up what a
fucking idiot
sir can you clean that off your face for your mugshot please
all right bank robbery story dear mr burr finally a little respect on this
podcast love the podcast this
person says so back in the late 90s i was living in tampa for college and
worked at a bank near bush
gardens what a great place to go to college tampa huh
fucking all the hot chicks walking around all the titty bars i mean you're not
studying
college is just to delay the rest of your miserable life so go have a good
fucking time unless you're going
after a dream other than that if you just picked a fucking major go to go to
college in tampa at least
you'll have those memories um jesus that was negative sorry uh so back in the
uh late 90s i was living
in tampa for college and worked at a bank near bush gardens which you know in
tampa that might be the
name of a fucking strip club i don't like the landing strip come on down to
bush gardens
wall the wall the wall pubes um so after opening one morning a guy came in with
his t-shirt pulled over his head
think beef is doing cornholio there's a great reference
i am called holy elf i need tiki for my bunghole um he walked up to the teller
next to me and yelled
give me hundreds and fifties she just froze and said what he had a tire iron in
one
he came in to rob the bank like he was going to clean up the neighborhood
he had a tire iron in one hand and kept using the other to hold open the neck
hole to see out of it
it kept closing up because he was shaking so bad oh this poor bastard i said i
think he wants your
larger bills but this dumb ass doesn't see this bulletproof glass i started
laughing
oh my god you just took but you took a gamble they didn't have anything else
the guy took the iron and hit the glass and didn't even scratch it he ran
outside with nothing
still attempting to hold the neck hole of his shirt open my manager was pissed
but i said he wasn't my
in my teller window so technically i didn't not cooperate with his with the
demands
dude you got a law degree in your future man you should become a lawyer um
anyway
a detective came in with two fbi agents and they were watching the video
they called me in when they saw me laughing on the video and asked
what was said they laughed when i told them
i gotta get some fbi agents any fbi agent you want to come in just say you work
for a certain
service and i want to hear all your dumb uh criminal stories um i got
transferred to a different branch
a month later and that one didn't have glass in the lobby i'm sure a a you
planned by the manager
absolutely they wanted you to get your mind right oh this guy thinks he's all
bulletproof behind the
glass we're gonna send him to a our first bank from 1860 that we never did a
remodel on
anyway ps now i'm a detective i was gonna say i knew you had something beyond
this job in your future
i think of that day every time i go to a bank robbery come back to south florida
soon wow
wow you got balls man you got balls
i mean yeah just give him the money you put the tracker in there and then you
know
go eat your brown bag lunch and be happy nothing happened to you
but thank god you didn't or else you know i'd have nothing to talk about during
this part of the podcast
jesus christ the dumb doesn't know what did you say to him
i think he wants your larger bills but this dumb ass doesn't see the bulletproof
glass
well i guess once you have a t-shirt over your goddamn head that's probably a
good eye
good indication he doesn't have a gun all right funny quote robbery story uh
yeah this this goes
straight across if you own a store somebody tried to mug you or whatever i want
to hear these ones um
all right funny robbery story hey hey billy bear back in it burr so i used to
work in a pizza place
i really wish you said parlor for my accent a pizza uh that was very busy that
was a very busy spot
after the bar let out because uh we had huge slices and were open until 4 a.m
well absolutely every town
has the big slice of pizza back on the east coast you gotta have it um we used
to have this great place
in boston one of the and it was a great slice of pizza too it was basically a
double wide slice of
pizza it was this bar called dominic's it was right across from the legendary
nick's comedy stop where i
started 30 years ago on march 2nd and uh one of the big thrills of my life was
when i got invited over
there to hang out and i got to hang out with the late great uh kevin knox frank
sanarelli don gavin
they were all there all the fucking legends and they'd be over there having a
couple of pops
and all you had to do is as a new comic was shut the fuck up buy around and you
get to hear some of
the greatest stand-up comedy stories ever and right next to the to the bar was
a window it was a pizza
place that was part of it and at the end of the night after you had a bunch of
fucking drinks
and you needed to air quote sober up that was back when we thought if you had a
double slice of
pizza you could actually drive a car 60 70 miles an hour down the fucking
southeast expressway through
the central lottery and you'd go over there and it was just the fucking best
and it was just a bunch
of drunk people drunk guys drunk chicks standing out there folding these slices
and shoving it down
our fucking pie holes oh that was one of the saddest days ever now there's a w
hotel there a soulless
w hotel oh it's so awful it's just so awful what corporations do to the vibes
of towns they just kill the
fucking vibes um and then because there's no vibe in their hotels they then
have to create a vibe
with with aquarium lighting or whatever the fuck it is they do over there all
right funny robbery
story um yeah the pizza place it was very busy spot after the bar let out
because we had huge slices and
we're open until 4 a.m now while i worked there tons of employees came and went
mainly because it was
really long hours uh regular hours involved working 4 p.m to 4 a.m four to four
wow so one night
while working a dude came in with a bandana on his face and he yells at me give
me all the money while
his hands is in his pockets that look like he had a gun without even thinking i
say go fuck yourself
and then he starts laughing takes the bandana off and asks how'd you know it
was me
apparently he used to work there but i had no clue who he was he took me it
took me a second to even
recognize him after telling me this so if this had been a real robber i would
have either just thwarted
him by standing firm or i would have got my ass beat or killed people there is
no
fucking reason to ever get killed in a robbery on purpose okay don't listen to
these stories and be
like i want to have a funny story so i can write into a podcast please do not
do any of this shit
um especially if you're working 4 p.m to 4 a.m slinging pizzas and hash to a
bunch of drunks
anyways just thought it was funny thought it was funny it's legendary just
thought
it was funny that i was so pissed that someone tried to rob us that i had no
regard for my own
safety please tell me they at least gave you employee of the month
give me all the money go yourself i don't even feel like i can you know in
honor of you i'm not
going to say go yourself because you already did it to end this podcast

Bank Robbery Stories | Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast

all right bank robbery story all right let's get out of this fucking
international jesus christ
um all right bank robbery story uh when i was in university oh jesus christ
that's one of the most
pretend pretentious beginnings of a fucking sentence ever but i know this is
from a different
country when i was in university i worked part-time as a teller if you go to a
community college you
have to start saying that if you went to a community college where'd you go to
college uh
when i was in university i was on the hill of bunker um when i was in
university i worked part-time as a
teller at a bank here in toronto i was talking about bank robberies last week
and how you can
rob a bank with just a note and has anybody called anybody out yeah you know
give me all the money i
have a gun all right and then you just write back fuck off unless you show me
it
then they just have to walk out of the bank um i work part-time as a teller at
a bank here in toronto
one morning when the bank just that's a great beginning to a movie
fuck off until you show me and he pushes it right
and then the guy on the other side pulls out a gun
tries to shoot shoots through the glass but the guy who said show it to me
ducks
and then the manager gets fucking one right in the head
and then what happens i don't know there's a love interest um when i was in
university i worked part-time
as a teller at a bank here in toronto one morning when the bank just opened and
relatively uh
and relatively empty two men mass came in screaming saying they had guns hands
in their hoodie pockets
pretending like they had guns the balls that takes to risk your freedom and
then not what if there's a
guy in there that has a gun anyway they walked over to the vault and tried to
open it when they realized
the vault was locked they ran out of the bank the dumb fucks assumed it was
like a movie where the
vault door would open and there would be a pile of cash just sitting there the
best part of the story
is they ended up getting caught no way about an hour later based on a witness
seeing them flee
these dickheads got charged and went to jail without a loonie to show for it
i guess that means any money some loot um all the best and go leafs and raptors
toronto fan all right
good luck to both your teams there wow i bet they don't tell that story in
prison
what are you in prison for robbing a bank how'd you do it you know i uh
i'll tell you later did i ever tell you how much i like your shank um dad
robbed a bank wow dear billy
baby back ball sack burr all right you went with the long one there i want my
baby back baby back baby
back baby back baby back baby back ball sack baby back i go baby back baby back
baby back baby back
baby ball sack that's a tough one to do long time listener first time caller
thanks for making my drive to
work suck less that's that's all i'm here for you're definitely not here to be
educated i've listened
to you discuss bank robberies recently and that made me think of this story my
dad my dad who's passed
now was a badass when he was younger he and my mom did a good job of hiding his
transgressions from
me as a kid but when he found out that he had alzheimer's and was going to lose
his mental capacity
he decided to sit me down and tell me a bunch of crazy shit he did as a kid
before he forgot about
it was he worried that he was going to babble about it that's pretty cool that
he acted like
he was just a straight-laced guy anyway he was a very intelligent guy he worked
for the family car
sav salvage yard which had its start uh through less than legal means i'm not
with you he could look at a car
a car key someone was holding in their hand and he could cut a copy from a
memory later on
which he would use to steal the car and strip it for parts i mean there's
another great character for
a movie he almost got caught when he did this to his girlfriend at the time's
father
he stole his dad's car jesus his girlfriend's dad's car wow what took the cake
though was his bank robbery
story when he was 18 he had a buddy who worked at his town's bank long story
short they plotted a robbery
my dad was let into the vault by his friend and he walked out with a duffel bag
containing 400 000 in
cash in broad daylight carried it down the street and everything my dad hid the
money and they were
going to split it once things cooled down at the time he set the state record
for the largest bank heist
yeah things are not going to cool down unfortunately the fbi got involved gee
who saw that coming
this was a large sum of money obviously 400k
that is worth 1.5 million today and his parents got suspicious because he was
acting weird
that's what they thought they didn't think is he gay is he did he get his
girlfriend pregnant like
the usual is he doing drugs they're like hmm he's acting strange i wonder if he
rubbed a bank
dude you got a badass family tree if that's what they think allegedly his
parents got him to admit
to them what he did and they called the fbi the fbi came out and basically
scared him into ratting
on his friends like a little he did and as a result neither of them got any
jail time
sounds like a white story here they just had to return the money he never gave
up
where he had hidden the money so whether or not the full sum was returned or
not is unclear
but i hope he at least kept a little the banks uh bill i swear to god i thought
he was
with me until i found multiple newspaper articles about the robbery and named
him by name
confirming all of this i was blown away is there any way that you can confirm
that he could actually
look at a car key and cut it from memory i mean i don't know anything about
cutting keys but that
seems like i thought he i was just making sure he wasn't an old man putting a
little mustard on the
story there anyway he was a great dad he was a great dad to me he turned his
life around and i
couldn't have asked for a better role model growing up that's great i miss him
but remember him fondly as
a father and as a badass when he was young how many people out there can say
their dad set a state
record that's exactly how you should bring it up and they'll be thinking you're
talking about track
be like no he robbed the bank for the most money at that time 400 grand
so why don't you tell me about your mother's pie all right thanks and go
yourself all right
um bank robbery story
oh my god hey billy radish taint god damn it do you guys ever run out of ginger
jokes i mean this is
fucking amazing i've been doing this podcast since 2007 you motherfuckers every
time i think
we're out of vegetables we're out of all these different things you can call me
my god
carrots radishes i mean it's just it just never stops we're not even up to the
top of the fridge
we're still in the crisper um you know it's funny i have a bright orange
refrigerator
in my office too i keep it real um bank robbery story hey billy radish tank i
got a bank robbery store
story for your chalky powdered donut ass this guy's just killing me with the
food references here
uh i used to manage the teller line who would have thought that this was going
to take off this is
fucking great i want to hear from tellers and all the dumb ways people tried to
rob your bank
banks um you'd think that this would trend more you know what i mean somebody
came in to rob a bank
and it didn't fucking work um wait a minute did all the bank robbers just kind
of go into like
identity theft they kind of do it on like the internet on the uh internet now
right anyway i
used to manage the teller line at one of the branches of a national bank uh the
one with the lawsuit
which one um one day this guy with sunglasses and a basketball hat comes into
the lobby and asked to
see the manager like some shitty heist movie the manager brings him into his
office 15 minutes later
the manager escorts the guy to a female teller and said this man needs 25 000
the teller goes yes sir do you
have a debit card the manager interrupts and says no just give it to him the
teller nods and starts
counting the money shaking the guy begins to laugh at her tears starts
streaming down her face i'm
assuming it was the bank robber tears start streaming down her face i
immediately go back
to the back and start hitting the silent alarms and telling the tellers at the
drive up that we're being
robbed i go back to the front to tell the tellers what's happening when the
phone rings before i can
get it another teller who is known as the dumb fuck of the branch picks it up
hello what we're not being
robbed no everything's okay imagine the person was talking real loud too oh no
the security department
checking on us it's the security department checking on us i'm behind him
saying hang up the phone hang
up the phone he turns to me and goes no this guy says we're being robbed the
guy robbing us is 10 feet
from us i finally get the dumb to give me the phone and i answer in the back
and explain the robber
leaves with the money the manager says the guy had a gun he said he's going to
shoot everyone in here if
we didn't give him the money i asked the female teller if she put the tracker
in with the cash she said she
did oh god the cops come and ask us questions and leave we're all waiting
around for hours the cop comes
back the cops come back with a bag of cash and two receipts saying they found
the robber and a jack in
the box down the street oh god so who was dumber one receipt was for a was for
was for cab fare
and the other was for a jumbo jack with extra large fries and a coke the rest
of the money was in the
bag thank well i gotta tell you if you're gonna go to jail i mean that's one of
the best ways to get
caught as far as like you just had a nice jumbo jack and extra large and a coke
that sounds that's
almost at this point being on a diet worth doing a little time for uh thanks
for all the years of
laughs and good times it means a lot truly go yourself another bank robbery
story tellers please
i got three of them two more coming here please for the love of comedy keep
fucking
writing these in did you guys ever see the one where the fucking idiot was
standing in line
to rob the bank he walks in and he takes out like whipped cream or shaving
cream
and sprays it all over his face and then stands in line i believe it was on
america's dumbest criminals
i believe and he's standing there and it's they immediately hit the alarms it's
melting off of
his face and when he walks up to the teller the fucking cops show up what a
fucking idiot
sir can you clean that off your face for your mugshot please
all right bank robbery story dear mr burr finally a little respect on this
podcast love the podcast this
person says so back in the late 90s i was living in tampa for college and
worked at a bank near bush
gardens what a great place to go to college tampa huh
fucking all the hot chicks walking around all the titty bars i mean you're not
studying
college is just to delay the rest of your miserable life so go have a good
fucking time unless you're going
after a dream other than that if you just picked a fucking major go to go to
college in tampa at least
you'll have those memories um jesus that was negative sorry uh so back in the
uh late 90s i was living
in tampa for college and worked at a bank near bush gardens which you know in
tampa that might be the
name of a fucking strip club i don't like the landing strip come on down to
bush gardens
wall the wall the wall pubes um so after opening one morning a guy came in with
his t-shirt pulled over his head
think beef is doing cornholio there's a great reference
i am called holy elf i need tiki for my bunghole um he walked up to the teller
next to me and yelled
give me hundreds and fifties she just froze and said what he had a tire iron in
one
he came in to rob the bank like he was going to clean up the neighborhood
he had a tire iron in one hand and kept using the other to hold open the neck
hole to see out of it
it kept closing up because he was shaking so bad oh this p